My parents are too young to be ageing.

**Dancing Lotus** · 04-11-2011, 08:53 PM

My Dad is getting ready to retire this June, I'm worried.
He is delusional about his finances. The man has never paid a bill or bought a single grocery in all his life. My mother has been begging him to wait but he just won't listen. Says he hates working and won't work a single day longer then he has too. He spends money like he has tree.

My parents both have different ideas about what retirement is.

Basically they don't agree on anything.
My father has no idea who my mother really is. She has a secret life that he is completely opposed too. He makes fun of everything she loves. He thinks both self help and spirituality are a load of crap. She meditates for an hour everyday.
He thinks health food is a gimmick , she eats super-foods and drinks her herbal teas every morning. It goes on and on. My mother expressed to me that she is worried she is going to have to give up everything that makes her happy in order to keep peace with him.
It worries me too because I know how depressed she could become. I love my dad but he has no respect for "different" ideas. If it can't be proved with a scientific equation it isn't real and he will tell you so.

I know for fact the only thing that keeps my parents together is the fact that he goes to work 8 hours a day and for those 8 hours my mom can be herself without ridicule. I'm not worried about divorce, in fact I think it would be healthier for them both. But I know my mom will never leave him and she will just live the rest of her life miserable. Isn't retirement something that couples are suppose to look forward to together? I don't know why I'm sharing all this other then I just spent the weekend with them and all of this really hit me. I saw the panic in my moms eyes every time he said the word retire. I also heard him pick on her more then once. He even argued with her about how much money he spends on drinking vs how much she spends. Lets see, she doesn't drink, has never been drunk in her life. He on the other hand has a glass or two of bourbon every single night. Sometimes I think he doesn't even live in the same zip code if you know what I mean.

On top of all of this I really got a good look at my Dad's health. All of a sudden he looked so old , so fat and so well unhealthy. I helped him move a desk and he was wheezing. I always thought of him as strong. He has had a few shake ups this year but still lives in denial that he cant' eat like a teenager. I think we are all in for a rough ride.

**Spirit Deer** · 04-11-2011, 09:05 PM

I know it's easy to worry about stuff like this, but really, this is between your parents. Stay out of it for your own sanity. You aren't going to change either one of them.

**mauimagic** · 04-11-2011, 09:12 PM

Spirit Deer - wise words.

Since we are the parents our DD is worried about, I hear the despair in your voice. SD is right, they need to figure it out and you need to invest yourself in your life. Hard though isn't it? Please come here and vent all you want - who knows - we may be able to come up with an idea or two. Take care.

**Dancing Lotus** · 04-11-2011, 09:23 PM

It isn't anything I thought I could fix and or get involved in, just my feelings at the moment. I watched my mom be very unhappy for years. I introduced her to some things I was reading and she ran with it. The last three years or so she has been a very different person and I do not want to see the light to go out on her. I just wish she didn't have to do everything behind his back like she should be ashamed.

**Brat** · 04-11-2011, 11:50 PM

Who knows your dad may find a hobbie that he likes to do and will be out doing that...

They may find that they like spending time together once he doesn't have to go to work all the time..They may find things that they like to do together..

It is a different life after retirement..Your dad may get board with retirement and find something to do with his time..

**Englishlady** · 04-12-2011, 04:28 AM

I can understand your worry.

My Dad had a job that caused him a lot of stress and made him snappy with my Mum.

We used to worry about how they would relate to each other when he retired.

Well, were we surprised! my Dad became much more relaxed when he retired and has all sorts of interests that keep him busy.

He is much more laid back and seems quite content with his life.

We think his job was the cause of the problem, just too much stress maybe.

When that stress was removed, he was much better.

Whilst he was never lazy, when he retired he started going to the gym 3 times a week, he is nearly 77 years old and is still going to the gym!

**nuisance26** · 04-12-2011, 07:45 AM

~Maybe you feel in some way that when he rejects her beliefs/lifestyle he's really rejecting yours as well since you turned your mom on to some of her new hobbies? Does he have the same issues with you? Maybe the way you respond to it can be instructive for your mom.
If I was in this situation I'd encourage my mom to lead a group outside the home. It could be anything she's good at even cooking tutoring or spiritual coaching. She could be a consultant. Just something to maybe bring her a little income, raise her self esteem and keep her out of the house.~

**Dancing Lotus** · 04-12-2011, 08:17 AM

Originally Posted by nuisance26

~Maybe you feel in some way that when he rejects her beliefs/lifestyle he's really rejecting yours as well since you turned your mom on to some of her new hobbies? Does he have the same issues with you? Maybe the way you respond to it can be instructive for your mom.
If I was in this situation I'd encourage my mom to lead a group outside the home. It could be anything she's good at even cooking tutoring or spiritual coaching. She could be a consultant. Just something to maybe bring her a little income, raise her self esteem and keep her out of the house.~

Wow, you hit the nail. Yes I guess I do feel he is attacking me as well. But I keep things to myself when it comes to him because I know it's not worth the upset.
He thinks psychotherapy is "garbage" I would love to study it, LOL

I love the idea of encouraging her to find like minded people to interact with outside of the home. I'm just not sure how to convince her to demand that time for herself. You see, my father believes she should be available to him 24/7 and heaven forbid if her schedule interferes with his plans. I'm not faulting him for this one, she taught him to expect it. In fifty years he has never even poured his own cereal. Okay well maybe a few times, like when she was in the hospital.