How do I help this friend?

**BlissMommy** · 06-12-2011, 09:13 PM

I have a friend who is about to be served with divorce papers. Her husband left 2 months ago and she has no job. He is going for primary custody of their son, because she refuses to keep a clean house. It really is bad and infested with cockroaches, I've gone over and cleaned repeatedly, but she continues to leave food out, rests after just 15 min of cleaning maybe 2 or 3 times a day. I keep trying to tell her what the reality of her situation is, but she says I'm stressing her out, so I'm keeping quiet now. She has no family to rely on and this is the last month her STBX will cover her rent or bills. I can direct her some places for help in July, but after that she has to get a job or she is out of luck. What can I do to help her without breaking my bank or stressing myself out emotionally. I'm a Mom of 5 with a 5 month old and a full time grad student. I'm attempting to get my finances in order, so I want to help her, but I can only do so much.

**Debbie-cat** · 06-12-2011, 09:21 PM

Gosh I feel bad for her but there really is nothing you can do! You have so much on your plate already, I don't know how you find the time to even help her a little. I think reality will slap her in the face once the divorce papers are served and hopefully she will start to take care of herself. Hugs

**Daisygirl** · 06-12-2011, 09:23 PM

It sounds like she needs some professional help. What you are describing can be an outward symptom of severe depression. I truly feel for her.

It's unlikely that you can get her to change. Try talking to her about going to counseling - if she is on unemployment or welfare it may be covered.

You are a very good friend to try so hard to help.

**qtkitty** · 06-12-2011, 09:24 PM

I know that this is going to sound harsh ... however until she is willing to help herself it doesn't matter how much you help her it will not help.

It seems like courts are more willing to have the kids stay with the mom unless the parent is found to be wanting. A roof over their head, clean home, food in the cabinets and no signs of abuse or neglect would be the things to make sure of.

She could be suffering from some depression.. coming out of a relationship and having all this stuff heaping on you at one time would be more than enough to through anyone into a depression tailspin.

**Ceashels** · 06-12-2011, 09:40 PM

You are wonderful for wanting to help her out. Hugs to you.

I agree that she needs some professional help first and foremost as she is already in a tailspin. I also don't see you able to take on the responsibility of her considering how much you already have on your plate right now. Blessings to you.

**Paws** · 06-12-2011, 09:47 PM

Originally Posted by Daisygirl

It sounds like she needs some professional help. What you are describing can be an outward symptom of severe depression. I truly feel for her.

It's unlikely that you can get her to change. Try talking to her about going to counseling - if she is on unemployment or welfare it may be covered.

You are a very good friend to try so hard to help.

I agree with Daisygirl...What's been described is a classic sign/symptom of severe depression...Nothing is going to help until she gets professional help...counseling and possible/probable medications.
Hugs to you for trying...hope things work out.

**BlissMommy** · 06-12-2011, 09:58 PM

Thank you everyone. I guess I just needed more voices telling me the obvious. She is on some kind of medication for depression, but I'm not sure what. I'm taking her next week to various area food banks, I hope that helps a bit.

**Momto5RN** · 06-12-2011, 10:14 PM

how old is her son ? as much as i would hate to see a mom lose custody of a child = to me the child needs to be where they are safe clean and fed . can you find out who the dr is that ordered her depression meds and call them for her - does she complain of pain at all any chance she has an actual medical condition too like fibromyalgia or CFS on top of the depression ?

**Contrary Housewife** · 06-12-2011, 11:26 PM

I think the best you can do right now is tell her that you'll be there for her when she wants your help. You can't force her to change what has apparently been a longstanding problem without her direct participation and right now it sounds like she is unable or unwilling to face reality. Sadly, she is going to have to reach that point on her own.

**mauimagic** · 06-12-2011, 11:30 PM

BlissMommy - she is so lucky to have someone as kind as you for a friend. Wish I had any other ideas than those that have been expressed.

**pollypurebred39** · 06-13-2011, 12:32 AM

Wow, what an awful place to be. Depression has a way of destroying all in it's path. She clearly is unable to help herself. Depression clouds everything, including cold harsh reality. I can only hope that the judge involved in the custody will somehow be able to see that she is suffering from a severe illness and somehow intervene. This is not a pull yourself up by your bootstraps kind of thing, this requires professional help. I'll be praying for your friend.

You are are great friend to show her compassion, and wanting to help her. I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing, just be her friend. You can't fix this, this is just too big. Just be her friend.

**Ramona** · 06-13-2011, 12:38 AM

You're doing all you can for her by being there. Emotional support is priceless and seems to be all she can handle just now.

You're a very good friend ♥

**greekislandgirl** · 06-13-2011, 03:10 AM

You didn't say anything about the STBX but perhaps he is the better custodial parent in this situation. Fighting for custody is not appropriate in all cases - it's only appropriate when the parent has reason to believe they offer the better living situation (in many different ways, of course - not just $ or space!). It sounds like this is not the case here. If she is unemployed, out of money, and living in a dirty environment, how would adding a child to that situation help anything?

Probably the best thing you could do for her would be to try to gently steer her toward some counseling for her issues, perhaps she needs time, therapy, maybe medication to get her life back. She should work on being mentally healthy, finding a job and supporting herself, and of course living in an at least not dangerous environment (leaving out food doesn't sound too sanitary to me).

I doubt that the court would forbid her from seeing her son, if custody were awarded to the father. But it might just allow her to have the space and calm in her life to get back on her feet. Single fathers can make excellent parents - I don't understand why there is such a preference for mothers being custodial. It should be on a case-by-case basis and should start on an equal footing, but that's just my opinion.

**Gabe** · 06-13-2011, 05:03 AM

How long have you known this person and has she always been like this?

**Lindsey** · 06-13-2011, 06:23 AM

Is the dad a good one? If so, it sounds like the better place for the child right now. I'm all for equal rights for dads though, if they deserve it.

I think it's great you are trying to help out your friend! Best of luck.