Relationship question..

[Syn D]

My daughter just called very upset.. She just got back with a guy she had been engaged to twice in the past (she broke it off).. He is a good guy and she realized he is the one..

Well, a couple years ago his best friend (which use to be my daughters boyfriend, she introduced them) got with a girl that decided she doesn't want the people that he had in his life, in his life anymore including my grandson which knew him only as daddy his whole life (he stepped up when sperm donor didn't) and they were really close.. Well, with the new girls instigating, he proceeded to rip everyone in his life a new one and told all of them to stay away from him including the best best friend he had at the time.. Everyone except the guy my daughter is with. Well, the reason he was lucky we lived out of state was, he called and cussed out my hubby (if you knew my hubby and how the kids and I feel about him, you'd know that was a BIG no no), the man (my hubby) that did nothing, but be there for him and give him a dad figure that his dad never was to him, we supported him for a time, helped him fix his car, be there emotionally, etc.... The situation was so bad, to this day he is lucky we haven't ran in to him...

OK, the problem now is, daughter just found out tonight that her boyfriend is goin tubing with that guy and his girlfriend, knowing my daughter is not invited or welcome and knowing what the guy did to her and her son, let alone everyone else.. I know my hubby wouldn't even consider going and I know a lot of friends that had this problem in the past and didn't except it either..

My question is, honestly, how many of you would except your partner hanging out somewhere that your not welcome and it being with the person that hurt your partner more than anyone else ever has???

My daughter isn't trying to pick his friends (he has a childhood friend that she doesn't like, but is ok with him hanging out with his friend) She and I just think with all that guy did to her, he should really take her feelings in to considerations..

Also, her boyfriend knows the whole situation cos' he was in the middle of it from that start..

[craftypam]

If he's treating her this way before they get married; what will happen after?

[Debbie-cat]

I think he is being extremely inconsiderate of her feelings. I hope he realizes what he is doing and changes his mind. Hugs.

[Nishu]

Cold day in hell is the phrase that comes to mind.

[Syn D]

Well, he (her boyfriend) is now telling my daughter that she needs to be the bigger person and let them see my grandson (over their dead bodies) cos' they "miss him" and that she shouldn't be letting a 6 yr old (his age at the time) decide..

OK, for one, non of this was our doing.. For 2, my grandson went from coming home every time excited to tell what he did with his daddy, to coming home upset every time.. Daddy doesn't spend time with me anymore, him and Dana are always in his room, daddy got mad at me and I didn't do it (girlfriends daughter broke something and blamed him) he was in tears that time..

Well, with that going on every visit, my daughter told the daddy, I am going to cut down how often he is over here cos' he is always upset when he comes home. Daddy says "he is just a brat and is lying about all of it" "he is the one doing everything wrong, not her girls".. In 6 yrs my grandson never touched anything he wasn't suppose to when he was over there, yet all of a sudden it's happening when her girls move in and it's him doing it, I don't think so.. In 6 yrs our grandson never broke one thing of the daddys... If you are told he did something wrong, you ask him twice and if he still denies doing it, He DIDN'T do it.. He has always been that way, daddy should of known that..

The thing I don't get is, how can you put anyone over "your son" or your partner.. Be totally oblivious to what that person did to the one you "truly love"..

Daughters boyfriend has waited literally 5 yrs for my daughter to realize he is the one for her.. Then he does this, a total 360 just from last night when he told my hubby "I truly want to marry your daughter".. Then why would you turn around and put these losers above her just over going tubing..

[2ndGenGranola]

The daughter needs to distance herself from all of these people. Not a one of them sound mature.

[Michelle68]

The guy and his girlfriend sound like master-manipulators and have your daughter's fiance wrapped around their fingers. Has your daughter told her fiance how she feels about this? i agree with others who have posted here-- he's not being very considerate of your daughter's feelings and they all three don't sound very mature.

[nodmicks]

Nope. If someone wanted to exclude my husband/partner I would exclude them. We are a package deal. He is being very nonchalant about your daughters feelings. That is a big worry.

[Greebo]

Sounds like your daughter needs to question whether she wants to continue to be associated with this Jerry Springer set of people...

[Contrary Housewife]

Your daughter needs to either stand up for herself or dump this guy once and for all. She may love him, but he is inconsiderate and selfish. In any case, THEY need to have a serious talk.

[Syn D]

She just informed me that they had a long serious talk after she got off the phone with me the second time last night.. He heard her talking to me and I guess realized how all that he said was one sided and leaning to the wrong side..

For one, she made him realize that them saying they "miss" her son is more of them making my daughter look in the wrong than the sincere aspect he thought it was.. Also, it will never happen.. Then she made him aware how wrong it was for him to totally side with them and not her, etc.. Also that he is being a pawn for the "daddys" girlfriend, for her to make our daughter look totally in the wrong and her the innocent one.. She told the daddy a few years ago that she didn't want my grandson over there, that he needs the time to get to know her girls.. So, when she says she misses him, thats bogus.. I know the daddy probably misses him, but he is such a doormat nothing will change.. He will still treat our grandson as the "nuisance" as long as he is with her.. Non of us will allow that.. No kid let a lone one that you raised for 6 yrs that idolized you is a "nuisance"..

He just wasn't getting it, he is the type "can't we all just get along" and oblivious to some situations..

I was confused cos' he never once in 5 years not taken my daughter in to consideration.. When that whole thing happened a few yrs ago, he was right there by her side comforting her and saying how wrong it was.. Like I said, he is a good guy and has done nothing but been there for my daughter for the last 5 yrs. whether they were together or not.. This really confused us. All these years she has had minimal talk with him about them, I guess they bring the situation up every time he sees them.. Which to me goes back to him being a pawn for them..

My hubbys problem leaned more toward the fact the boyfriend thought our grandson should go over there again.. We try to stay out of the relationship, but when it comes to our grandson (which this guy is really good with) we will step up and say something..

I want to Thank everyone for their comments.. I am a hard person and sometimes question if how I am feeling is just me being um me, or if it is feeling other have also... My daughter calls to make sure she isn't being wrong, cos' she thinks like I do in a lot of ways.. If she is wrong we'll tell her, but if she isn't we will listen and have a long talk..

[frugalfoster]

Just saying...she's been engaged to him twice...that means she's broke it off twice....somethings telling her it's not right... maybe she should listen to it....

[Shantyel]

Just saying...she's been engaged to him twice...that means she's broke it off twice....somethings telling her it's not right... maybe she should listen to it....

yup, exactly what she said.. third time is not always a charm, it's usually a red flag waving..

[Syn D]

Just saying...she's been engaged to him twice...that means she's broke it off twice....somethings telling her it's not right... maybe she should listen to it....

I understand what your saying, but in this case, the calling it off was due to issues she had not him.. She changed herself, finding different interests than she had before - She wanted to go out and do things on the weekends the "dad" had his visitations and her boyfriend was more of a home body, but had no problem with her going out with her friends. Her problem was they are a couple and wanted him to go with (that was the first break up, she got tired of it, yet we appreciated the fact he did feel the need to go out all the time).. Now she found a new interest (cooking) and likes staying home and trying new things and having people over to try it.. Also, she has OCD bad and couldn't see how he could leave things lying around (arguments)..

The second calling it off, was she felt she just wasn't ready (that was 2 yrs ago), but she put a lot of thought in to it this year and realized he is the one for her..

Little incite on our daughter ~ the past 8 years, our daughter has had to step up and be responsible (started when she was almost 18), she put herself through beauty school, and worked while being a single mom, with no help from the donor and little help from us as we don't have a lot of money and live out of state.. That has made her a strong person, sometimes to strong.. Our grandson is happy and healthy and so is she, she has her own apartment and pays all her bills, she has no debts, she pays cash for everything except car repairs (she just charged a $200 starter for her car last week, but will have that paid off with her first check in July). Because of all she's had to do on her own over the past 8 yrs., she feels she has to be in control of everything and we told her, in a relationship you need to work together.. We are very proud of all that she has accomplished on her own, but would like for her to lift some of the burdens off herself..

About the issues of the previous break ups, They have spent a lot of time talking about it and have come to understandings, like they now go out one weekend a month, he tries to be considerate of her OCD and in return she agreed to nag less about mess.. None of the past issues that caused their break ups have come back..

When they sit down and have their serious talks, they both really seem to get a better understanding of the other and themselves.. As apparently happened last night.. She is not ready to call it quits this time, and definitely not over them.. She just needed him to see where he was wrong and apparently hearing her repeat it to me woke him up.. She isn't blind to when a relationship should end, as she is the one that always ended every relationship, but she also knows when they can work through it..

[thefrug]

Have her do like I do... hubby has one area in the house that he can keep as messy or clean as HE wants. The rest of the house goes by MY standards. lol When people come over, I just say " Thats his area,just over look it".