:o( family turmoil...

[mombottoo]

Looked to see if there was a spot for "elderly parents", but didn't find one. It has been a rough few months and I am at my breaking point. My dad became unable to live independently last November (health issues/dementia) so he & his companion moved in with my son & his wife. Well, in February my son and my sister got into an argument and on February 28 she came to take my dad out to lunch and never brought him back. Which is fine, if she wants to take care of him and his companion more power to her. Prior to this my sister and I hadn't spoken in over a year and our relationship is IMO beyond repair. I have apologized numerous times for my part in the previous family upheaval, but she said my apologies weren't sincere...and at that point I just decided to cut my losses and figured she could kiss my backside.

Now, since dad has been living with her, mine and his relationship has changed...due to where he is living. Dad has severe memory issues due to the dementia and it seems he moans & groans about not talking to me or seeing me (I was very involved in my dad's life up until February 28th). Over the course of the past few months, she has threatened to block my number both on the landline and on dad's personal cellphone, written me numerous angry e-mails and made many threats about preventing me from having contact with our dad.

Due to his health issues his licensed was revoked. Once his license was revoked she took him down to the SOS office and had him add her name added to his car title by telling him his insurance would be cancelled if he didn't put her name on the title. My dad owned his car free and clear. It has always been the understanding that upon dad's death his "assets" would be sold and the funds would be used to take care of his last expenses. The car is the only asset my dad had and now she will get it free and clear. Which if my dad had the means to have his final expenses paid for wouldn't matter.

I was also on my dad's checking acct. and had been since 1999...she had that account closed out and had a new one opened with her name, all without telling me.

I know, due to the anger in her e-mails that if I don't do something soon I will end up not being able to have any type of a relationship with our dad. I am considering having guardianship proceedings started and asking the court to appoint a 3rd party guardian for my dad (non-family member). Not only would it prevent my sister from picking and choosing who has contact with our dad, but it would put a 3rd party in charge of overseeing his financial affairs as well. I also know that once I start these proceedings crap is going to hit the fan even more than it has, but since my sister seems to be using dad's memory against him and getting him to do things he wouldn't ever have done I feel as though I have no choice. Has anyone ever had experience with a 3rd party guardian before? And, is there anything anyone can think of that I could do that wouldn't be so drastic?

[annymoll]

A third party guardian could move your father out of state , if they so chose. You could both be prevented from seeing your father, if all the bickering causes him trouble.They may feel a nursing facility is his best option.If your father has no estate other than the car and your sister is providing him care then IMO, let her have it.That would be cheaper than using up the funds to provide 24 hour care that he seems to need. She can also deal with tieing up any loose ends after he passes.I think it is proper for her name to be on the checkbook now, along with your father.She can pay for his last expenses..You could seek a third party for financial conservership only, but the court would review the case and if your sister is accepting responsibility and providing him care and managing his limited funds.... why would they change it?I assume it would cost money to initiate it.I would just go and get him for the day and take him to your home or out, if he wants to go.If he tells you she is preventing contact, or she sends you emails that say she will I would consult an attorney for guidance.

[mombottoo]

She has already made numerous threats. She doesn't have the money to pay for his final expenses...she's never planned for her own expenses. I like the idea of a conservatorship, that might solve the problems more than a guardian...thank you.

[frugalfranny]

Think you need to talk to an atty........with an estate atty. often the first visit is free.

I would suspect that if you go with the 3rd party guardianship......a fee will be involved....and can his estate afford that?

Each state is a little different....but check it out SOON!!
It will, hopefully, give you some answers.....and relief.

Did your dad not have any power of atty. or anything? What about a will?

What about the 'companion'? Does 'the companion' have the mental facilities to help with your dad?

Get some advice............YESTERDAY........this will tell you where you stand with the mess.

Sorry you are having to deal with this.......BTDT.......it is the pits.

[Anna43]

It doesn't sound as if your father has any estate or income for a conservator to administer. I'm assuming his only income is social security and, if that's the case, then a payee could be appointed by social security if your father is unable to manage his own funds. A payee must account for use of the funds to social security once a year. BTDT. There are legal and court costs involved in a conservatorship which is really unnecessary unless substantial funds are involved.

I would not fight with my sister about any of the financial issues. She's made the choice to take over and as long as the physical care she's providing is acceptable that's really all that matters. If its not then you can contact your state's agency that deals with elderly abuse for an investigation.

Concentrate on your relationship with your father. Visit him and do not get involved in any arguments with your sister. In fact, kill her with kindness thanking her for caring for your father. Ignore any negative she throws your way. Its hard to fight if one party refuses to engage. Continually tell yourself you're only interested in what's best for your father and right now that means ignoring your sister's hostility.

Dh was payee for his mother for her last 6 years and believe me when I say there was never any excess income. In fact, my brother-in-law, sister-in-law and dh & I often contributed for her needs.

[Newsnerd68]

I agree that speaking with an attorney is your best bet. But please shop around and make sure you obtain an attorney who deals frequently in elder law and/or estate issues. There are attorneys who will agree to speak with you for a fee, only to tell you it's not in their area of practice (I worked for one).

You might try calling your state's bar association. They will normally recommend an attorney who practices in the area of law you need. And, when making your appointment, make sure you mention that you were referred by the bar assoc. Many attorneys will offer a reduced consultation rate if you go through the bar assoc., but only if you mention it. (I used to call it "saying the magic words." I wasn't allowed to ask clients directly how they were referred when making an appt., but I'd do everything I could to get them to say it. My small way of helping and it's why I USED to work for an attorney.)

Good luck!

[227melissa]

This is the reason I thank God every day I'm a only child !!!!!!!!!!

[mh3rdwheel]

I feel for you. My mom has Alzheimers disease and is in a nursing home, my sister is I think her guardian, she has power of attorney to make all decisions for our mother, NONE of our brothers and sisters want anything to do with her (my mom), Mary takes good care of mom she did the same for our Aunt until her death, she had a lovely funeral service at a church she went to for years (no charge for the use of the church, etc.).

My mom if she makes it through the year, my ds took out money for burial costs, I think it is called preplaned.

Good Luck.

[Momto5RN]

the fact your dad has dementia and she has him putting things in her name is possibly fraudulent activity . problem would be cost and time to prove it because some days people with dementia can seem really good others really bad .

see if your state - county etc has a senior services # you can call
if anything like NJs you should get to talk to a MSW about

i would save those emails in case you need proof of them .

[frugalfoster]

Since there is no estate to speak of, I suspect this is more of an issue of the bad feelings that are harbored by your sister because of some situation that happened between the two of you. Both of you need to make sure that you set those feelings aside, for the benefit of your father. After he is gone from this earth, then, you can decide whether or not you will still have a relationship with each other. In the meantime, he is not a pawn in this game of control. Family relationships are complicated. In even the best of families, siblings can't seem to get along. (I speak from experience). Call her today, try to work it out... he may be gone tomorrow...then it's too late....

Good luck to all of you.

[Libby]

My personal view on this and others will disagree - if she's wanting to play the martyr - she should legally become the guardian and responsible for everything: caring for your dad physically and providing for him as well as financially. Any debt left from him after he passes is on her shoulders only. Point this out to her - if she wants to play the game, she needs to do it legally and not ask for any handouts or 'help' from other siblings.

Don't dwell on the past, focus on the future.

[bumplett]

I agree with annymoll.

Don't argue over money or cars, if she's taking care of him, she does need to be on the account.

I'm on my parent's account due to being in the same area and responsible enough to take care of what needs may arrise.

If my sibling moved in and took over the bulk of responsibility, then by all rights, that sibling should assume the financial responsibilities as well.

If your dad can't drive, he doesn't need a car in his name, but they still may want to use his car to transport him to appts, etc.

My hubby's grandfather (88 yrs old) is now living with my MIL. He can't care for himself. His truck was put into my MILs name, and she has access to all of his bank accounts. She has 4 siblings, but she is the one he lives with.

All that matters is the care your father recieves. Not the money. Let the anger go, and call your dad today, just to say you love him and you're thinking of him. Really, right now. Pick up the phone.

[just-me-in-tn]

She is correct about the insurance on the vehicle. A vehicle can not be registered in the name of someone without a license unless it is a collectible vehicle that is meant for show or just holding on to as a collectible. And, without it being registered, you can't get insurance on it. However, my question is.......if he has no license, why does he even need the vehicle? If she wants it for her own personal use (including driving him around), she should buy it from him. JMO.

[frugalfoster]

all that matters is the care your father recieves. Not the money. Let the anger go, and call your dad today, just to say you love him and you're thinking of him. Really, right now. Pick up the phone.

exactly!!!!

[heartofmine]

I agree with bumplett...