Sympathy/Support fatigue

[ml2620]

I am feeling fatigued in the support/sympathy department with my husband and just need to vent a bit. I don't have a lot of friends and my family would be very upset if I said anything (and they'd never forget).

Lately, I've just been feeling like my husband is such a loser and having trouble dealing with the day to day chaos of him. He operates a seasonal business and this is the busy season so he extra chaotic, but the business never makes more money than breaking even but takes away from our quality of life.

The house is a mess with too much of the wrong furniture in it. He's like a napoleon if I try and get a handle of the house and clean, declutter or set up organizational systems. He ignores them or tells me they just won't work. I work at a job I hate and pay all the bills including mortgage, but the house is such a mess and I am so ashamed of how it looks but he doesn't let me make it better.

His credit is awful so I gave him a credit card to do grocery shopping, gas, etc. At the time I felt it was important for his self esteem. While he doesn't order a bunch of stuff online or anything, he spent 700 at the grocery store last month, much of it food that went bad in our fridge!

He has very bad ADD for which he refuses to take meds or seek treatment. He takes care of our baby three days a week at home and I am concerned his habits are going to rub off on her. At the moment, and summer is never a good time in our relationship, I wonder what I am getting here and feel like I just can't take it.

I love my husband very much, I just feel like I need to get a handle on our life and he's making that difficult. He's going away this weekend and I am so excited for a break from him.

Has anyone ever felt like this and managed to get control of the situation? Please don't tell me I should get a divorce, I have no intention of doing that, its not that bad I am just having trouble coping and need an injection of strong woman serum from my fellow FVers!

[ladykemma2]

it sounds like he needs the regular structure of a J O B.

[Ceashels]

It certainly sounds as if he does need more structure...

I wonder why his business doesn't make money? Is his pricing too low? Does he let the income slip through his fingers? Perhaps being able to take a look at it with fresh eye could help him turn a profit?

As for the house... it is your house too! Give him a certain amount of space to keep his way and you take a certain amount of space to keep your way. You do not need to live under "his" conditions but find a compromise that can make you both happy. He needs to realized that he isn't the ONLY one in the house. It won't be easy but it may be worthwhile.

hugs

[Dancing Lotus]

I believe that all marriages have rough spots and that does not mean you aren't in love or should get a divorce.

The thing is , the first few years is puppy love and those things don't bother you. But as time goes on we start to notice. My guess is your hubby has always been this way but it's just getting old.

He needs to look at his business and find out why he doesn't make money. If it's been a long time perhaps it's time to think about letting it go.

About his ADD. It's not fair to you or your child for him to refuse to get treatment. It's no different that anyone else with a disease or addiction refusing treatment.
Look at it this way. His condition affects his behavior , his behavior effects his family. Would you live with an alcoholic whom refused to get treatment for years on end?

Then him how tired you are and that you love him too much to see these things come between you and that's why you need him meet you halfway.

[ms.mel.who]

Hang in there, marriage ebbs and flows.

Me and DH were just talking about things in our lives that take to much energy away from the family. Sounds like his job is not worth the effort and resources away from the family, especially if it is only breaking even.

The house thing - Sometimes when I am not totally sure what I want to do, my husbands opinion sways me. Figure out what you want, put your intention behind it, and he will jump on board with the organization.

Good luck!

[mystypooh]

hello, i can relate to everything you're saying. i'm going through the same thing, have been for 12 years with my husband. he has ADHD but thankfully this past year he went to the doctor for medication. it has helped a little bit but not like i was hoping. he only takes it M-F and on the weekends EVERYBODY suffers. he spends way too much money and doesn't think about the consequences. i also gave him a credit card because of his poor credit....boy what a mistake!!!! i've actually had to get in his wallet and hide his cards. it's not as bad now but it's still not perfect.

like you i also get excited when he goes on business trips. i feel guilty for feeling this way but sometimes i HAVE to have that break from him or else i'd go nuts. his behavior at times is so erratic that it's hard to understand or keep up....but i get through it. everybody, as you know, has those feelings once in a while, it just seems i have them all the time any more. i guess i feel like i'm not really benefiting from our relationship. i feel like i'm raising four children instead of three. another thing i can relate to is his influence on our children. mine are still young but they're not preteen age either, so i have noticed some things rubbing off on them and it worries me. i try so hard to "undo" the damage but i guess i won't know for a long time if it worked or is working.

okay, one more thing is the house but mine gets soooo irritated if something is out of place or he makes weird things for the house and it drives me insane. he likes to "invent" and right now my deck looks HORRIBLE! he likes to make gadgets and trust me it doesn't help the eye to look at. when i suggest more of a "cleaner" look he just rolls his eyes and basically ignores me.

sorry to ramble on but i get the gist of what you're feeling and i sympathize. wish i had some advice but i could use it too, lol. just know there's another person out there that feels the same way.

[dancemommy]

I agree with the idea of structure. My husband is self employed and works a TON of hours- he has a graduated degree and can bill out at a lot per hour, but wastes so much time as he seems to have ADD as well. A lot of what he does is not billable so the amount he actually collects for what he makes is not what it should be- drives me nutty. He also works weird hours- sleeps in late stays up late. I am going to work really hard when the kids go back to school to also get HIM on a schedule- as strange as that seems. He is in good shape, but I think having a workout routine, eat, and sleep routine would help him immensely. We shall see...

[happymomof4]

Good luck. Having issues with my husband right now also. I feel your pain. His is because he is lazy and does nothing at home. He has a job most of the time. Even when he doesn't he doesn't help at the house any more.

I work fulltime out of the home. This fall all our kids will be out of the house. The youngest is going to college. Our issue right now is that I can't co-sign any more loans because I am max out on my credit for co-singing because of putting 3 other kids thru college or car loans.

So we have to pay cash for the youngest to go to college. Dh is having a fit about it.

Didn't know until last night that all the money we have is his. LOL!!! Dh will be work all weekend I will get a break from him. We will see how things go next week when I pay the college bill.

[frugalwarrior2]

Yes,I can relate. DH has ADHD. Before meds he crashed our car by falling asleep at the wheel,lost several jobs,couldn't understand budgeting and finally fell off an overpass by getting shocked by his car because he touched the supercharger w/ the keys in the on position.
I told him he would be divorced if he didn't begin concerta.
He is now understanding of his behavior but previously he didn't see any issues. Download the ADD/ADHD checklist quiz for adult behavior. Approach as non confrontationally as possible.
-not staying organized
-having accidents
-missing deadlines
-difficulty w/ money and over spending
-impulsiveness and impatience
-not getting or being able to stay win the rules
-clutzyness
-lateness,missing appt.
All classic signs.
He will be calmer,sharper,be able to listen,get a better handle on business etc.
I live this w/ 3 out of 4 people. Oh, and undoing others organization=classic.
They don't think in linear patterns. so...