Confession of a (reforming) big hearted idiot (long)

**Lady_V** · 09-20-2011, 03:25 PM

I have known "C" for 12 years. Wonderful woman, single mom, disabled - basically she was a lot like me. I would bring her kids things from time to time because I knew she couldn't afford it and she would have done it for me if the tables were turned. Last year "C" got married. I am not too crazy about the wife, she's a spend-now-worry-later person. I'm not married to her, so it's not really any of my business.

On Sept. 1 I was at my friends house to help her pack. Since traffic was light, I got there 15 minutes early and was waiting for my friend to come home from the store.

While I was there the property manager showed up looking for her, I was sitting in my car... she came up to me asking if I knew where she was because the Sheriff department was coming that night to evict them. (Things didn't go well in court, they thought they had until the 15th). She felt badly about it as my friend has 3 children living at home, 2 of them with special needs. She had tried to convince her boss to give them until the 15th.

So, there I am, sitting on her front steps waiting for her to get there before the Sheriff arrives so I can help her get the important things out (kids meds, paperwork, anything she can pawn, etc). Waiting, waiting, waiting. Finally, my phone rang, she had to stop to pick up her wife at work and was at her in-laws house but would be there in 20 minutes. At that point,

#1) I was waiting there for an HOUR.

Why did I stay? Because I didn't want the Sheriffs to come and lock the kids meds in the house. I knew exactly where they were and would beg for them to go in and get them, taking them to the police department if needed. I knew those kids NEED their meds.

I told you I was a big hearted idiot... but, wait... there's MORE!

When they finally got home and I told them to call the property manager, the rest of the night was spent with them online looking for apartments I knew they would never get in a million years. A 4 bedroom house with a pool??? Seriously? They were facing eviction, a dump with most walls would be better than in the van.

#2) I knew of some motels that rent by the week at reduced rates, and even considered paying for a week so they could all stay together while they looked for a new place. When I asked how much they had towards the new place so I can look for places when I got home, the answer was $0. There was NO money.

The landlord gave them until the 3rd. They ended up going to a Motel 6 in their city so the kids could stay in the same school since it started on the 7th. They aren't getting a weekly rate and all 5 of them are in one room. There's no money left to put towards renting an apartment since she's barely working now. They have been looking at more rentals, but with no money for first/last/deposit, all they are doing really is wasting gas.

She called me to come visit her over the weekend but I had plans. I called over today to see what she is doing tomorrow morning since I had some free time, I would go by and take her out for a cup of coffee and have a serious "what are you going to do from here" talk. She told me that the wife is only working 4 or so hours a day, Basically, just enough to squeek the motel fees out.

She told me that yesterday she picked their kids up from school, she pulled in to the motel driveway and saw police lights in her rear-view. She had, but forgot to put the registration sticker on the back plate. Not a big deal, the officer was nice and told her to put it on as soon as she parks... thats when he noticed the son (one of the special needs children) had taken his seatbelt off. $25 fine.

#3) I bit my tongue hard when I told her she HAD to pay that because she is the only licensed driver in the family and they will suspend her license if she doesn't pay it... I almost blurted out that I would bring a check for it when I go to visit.

It's hard to sit by and watch my friend crash and burn. The entire time I knew her (before marriage) the bills were paid, there was food in the fridge, the kids had shoes on their feet and jackets in winter. She didn't have an extravagant life, but she made sure the roof was secure.

Thank you for reading... and feel free to tell me I'm an idiot for always wanting to help.

**Momto5RN** · 09-20-2011, 03:49 PM

aww you are not an idiot you are kind and empathetic but i think you are also learning that you will be an enabler if you continue to jump in .

**mh3rdwheel** · 09-20-2011, 03:57 PM

Originally Posted by Momto5RN

aww you are not an idiot you are kind and empathetic but i think you are also learning that you will be an enabler if you continue to jump in .

I agree and I would probably do the same, I am such a softy.

**shoiji** · 09-20-2011, 03:58 PM

I am finding myself in a similar position. Unfortuantely all you can do sometimes is sit back and hope they do not completely crash.

**oheoh's momma** · 09-20-2011, 04:20 PM

wow this is such a drastic change. But do not enable her. Maybe you can do something to help her that does not involve cash. Washing clothes, buying some bread, fruit, pb and j. Something is not right people do not change personalities over night. hugs and Pray

**frugal is fun** · 09-20-2011, 04:25 PM

I agree with the don't give them money!

a bag of groceries and doing their laundry would go alot further.

**Nishu** · 09-20-2011, 04:29 PM

Wow what a mess. If this woman used to be responsible and and semi-together, there HAS to be something going on here don't you think? If you offer to help at all, or at least offer some kind of advice, maybe your 'come to Jesus' talk should include that bit about how she previously had been a responsible person.

**Lady_V** · 09-20-2011, 04:49 PM

Thanks everyone... and I do know what's wrong... her wife.

She's taken control of the finances, my friend had allowed it and is now paying the piper. My wallet is closed to them, and it will remain that way. The wife is the type to offer you tap water while cracking open a Pepsi.

I thought about bringing some healthy shelf-stable snacks since they don't have a fridge. They have a cooler they use the hotel ice with and a microwave they plug in to cook dinner. Laundry really isn't an option unless I pay for the machines at the hotel since it's an hour away from my house and I an not lugging laundry around.

That brings me back to... helping AGAIN.

Is there a line between giving and enabling?

**nodmicks** · 09-20-2011, 05:00 PM

Hugs and you are not an idiot at all. I would bring over some shelf stable food and snacks just because then you know the kids get to eat.

**l8eebugg** · 09-20-2011, 05:30 PM

You are a good and caring person. I have been in this situation with friends. Finally, I stopped..I help the kids but only give money if they do some work for it. THere is lways something I could use a hand with. Now they rearely ask for money, used to be at least once a month, now maybe once a year. Learned they do not want to do any work for it. Meanwhile I am working an extra job. Also they did things I won't dream of doing, for example coffee at Dunkins, multiple trips to town, no coupons or buying at best price. In a nutshel,l "Keep your wallet shut!" Do they recieve SSI/medicare for the children? Just curious. Hopefully your friend will realize what a mess they are in.

**Ramona** · 09-20-2011, 05:49 PM

Boy, there's a situation that you can't fix! Two grown women floating through life, dragging the children behind them.

I'd do what I could for the children but that's all.

**Nishu** · 09-20-2011, 05:54 PM

Originally Posted by Lady_V

That brings me back to... helping AGAIN.

Is there a line between giving and enabling?

You can buy a bunch of snacks for the kids and tell them they are magical snacks, nutritionally appropriate for children but if anyone over the age of 20 eats them, they'll get hemorrhoids and break out in big purple spots.

That's the best I got...

**Libby** · 09-20-2011, 06:29 PM

I don't think you're in the wrong for wanting to not see your friend suffer and if that means you paying $25 so she can keep her drivers lic to provide for her family then so be it. You are doing the best you can. Friends are like family and no one wants to see their family fail.

I agree, do not give money. Offer emotional support, the occasional food item(s) for the kids best interest if its in your budget.

Are there any shelters around the area they're in? Would you be able to help connect them?

**thefrug** · 09-20-2011, 06:54 PM

What about local churches? Or civic clubs? Women's shelters? Theres got to be something around somewhere. Keep your money.

**Lady_V** · 09-20-2011, 08:58 PM

I am going to sleep on it tonight and then think on it more in the morning.

Yes, there are shelters; no, they aren't anything you would want to put your children in... if you could get in at all... you also have to be in by 6 which is hard if she's working.

Purple spots and hemerhoids... LOVE IT!

I will mention the churches to her, but I know programs here are stretched very thin here and may not be able to offer the assistance they need.

The children do receive checks on the first of the month. The wife got her hands on them and had them spent as soon as they came in. That ticks me off to NO end since one of them belongs to "C"'s 19 year old daughter. (Because of her special needs, she is still considered a minor and in school until she's 22... but, that money is meant for her care).

They got themselves in over their heads, renting a place they couldn't afford based on their income. They COULD have afforded it, technically, by using the kids checks... IF she wasn't out spending money buying every electronic gadget to be released...

Now, the kids are paying for it.