How To Keep My Kids from Becoming/Acting Spoiled...

[QM]

I need help with my two DDs--ages 7-1/2 and 5. They're both (especially my older daughter) acting very spoiled these days.

For example (and trust me when I say I have many more!), I was telling DD1 (7-1/2 years old) on the way to Value Village that we'd look at new and second-hand Halloween costumes. Her reply was, "I don't want second-hand!" I told her that every year I had bought her costumes from kijiji and she never knew or cared that they were used. Her answer, "Yes, I did! One year I didn't like my costume." I asked her when and she doesn't remember.

It's hard to explain, but she has this certain air about her where she thinks she deserves everything. I make her help around the house to let her know that everything isn't done for her and she usually helps cheerfully, but I don't understand how I can change this weird "attitude thing".

95% of the time I have to remind her and DD2 to thank me or my hubby for gifts or purchases. They'll do it...it feels like it's out of obligation...and sometimes mumble a thank-you without looking into your eyes.

Now that DD1 got a princess dress (50% off the lowest ticketed price...brand new and was actually cheaper than Value Village used dresses), DD2 isn't happy with her costume because it "isn't pretty". DD2 was supposed to be a kangaroo. What am I supposed to do? Force her to be a kangaroo when her sister is a princess? Sell the kangaroo dress and check out their princess dress inventory for a dress that will fit her? Forget Halloween altogether?

I don't remember being that way as a child. What am I doing wrong? I remember not taking my parents' money for granted when they bought me things. I remember being thankful and saying 'thank-you' and not going around thinking I deserved it.

Any suggestions on how to nip this spoiled behaviour in the bud?

[nuisance26]

~Not all of that is "spoiled". A lot of it is the age. They are awfully young to be consistent with expressing gratitude. They are still young enough to believe the world revolves around them and what they want. They also don't fully understand what work is or the value of money.
Are you giving them an allowance based on chores completed? It may help them understand the correlation between effort expended and rewards.
Do you pray before eating and before bed? Modeling behavior is helpful too.
I'm a tough love person. When my kids are ungrateful I take away the items from them.
I started on little things though, like the milk I pour for them or the lunch I made. If they didn't say thank you I'd take the cup or plate back until they did.
I get a high compliance rate now for everything.
We don't do Halloween so this is easy for me to say but I'd inform the dissenter that you aren't spending any more on her costume. She can go as a kangaroo, make her own costume or not go at all.
You might give her the opportunity to earn the money for a second costume by doing chores for you.~

[SwirlyThing]

I agree that some of that is age. And kids that age do not necessarily understand that money comes in limited supply.

But if my daughter complained about a 2nd-hand halloween costume, you can bet I wouldn't buy her one at all... or I'd tell her she can have a costume only if she makes it from things around the house that we already have.

[Greebo]

Sounds to me like they're old enough to start doing chores around the house on commission (earning an income) - and so not this year but perhaps next year, they can choose whatever costume they like, from the money they've earned.

[2ndGenGranola]

Not all of it is "spoiled" behavior.

If she is around any other kids her age, the kids are going to know if the costume is this seasons, last seasons, etc. Kind of like wearing a 60's bell bottom in the 80's stone washed era. Some kids can really give them a hard time if is was last season's. It may not stick out to you but it does to them. I am in complete shock when I sit and listen to the boys. They know all of the dates of the bionicals/leggo/whatever!

Maybe try sitting down with her and discussing the issue. Try to find a workable solution for both of you. Get to the root cause and don't just brush it off to "spoiled" behavior.

Sometimes the kids want to please us by following along with some of our fashions/style/choices when it is clearly not them. My Mom always made me wear pink or yellow. That is sooooo not me. I am NOT a pastel person. I felt so ugly in the pastels. Sometimes we limit their choices to much (do you want the pastel pink or the pastel yellow? Ok, I'll choose the yellow but I really want the animal print over there) Now that I am grown, I wear jewel tones. I feel so much prettier and it does not cost 1 cent more. It has nothing to do with "spoiled" behavior but everything with knowing your likes.

[SwirlyThing]

I personally disagree with making allowance tied to chores. I see chores as something everyone does because they live in a home... it's expected just because they are part of the family, and everyone pitches in to take care of the home. That way you cannot end up with a teenager who decides they don't want to do the chores and figure they can get away with it, and just skip this week's allowance.

Now if you have chores that are required regardless of money, and offer extra work they can do to earn money... that seems like a better plan.

[Greebo]

I personally disagree with making allowance tied to chores. I see chores as something everyone does because they live in a home... it's expected just because they are part of the family, and everyone pitches in to take care of the home. That way you cannot end up with a teenager who decides they don't want to do the chores and figure they can get away with it, and just skip this week's allowance.

Now if you have chores that are required regardless of money, and offer extra work they can do to earn money... that seems like a better plan.

Oh I think there are chores that everyone simply does, period, and I think there are other jobs that should be on commission.

What I don't like is kids getting free money. If you want to know why in detail, read this: Momma's don't let your babies grow up to be Greebo's (Teach them about money early)

[QM]

~Not all of that is "spoiled". A lot of it is the age. They are awfully young to be consistent with expressing gratitude. They are still young enough to believe the world revolves around them and what they want. They also don't fully understand what work is or the value of money.
Are you giving them an allowance based on chores completed? It may help them understand the correlation between effort expended and rewards.
Do you pray before eating and before bed? Modeling behavior is helpful too.
I'm a tough love person. When my kids are ungrateful I take away the items from them.
I started on little things though, like the milk I pour for them or the lunch I made. If they didn't say thank you I'd take the cup or plate back until they did.
I get a high compliance rate now for everything.
We don't do Halloween so this is easy for me to say but I'd inform the dissenter that you aren't spending any more on her costume. She can go as a kangaroo, make her own costume or not go at all.
You might give her the opportunity to earn the money for a second costume by doing chores for you.~

I keep hoping that's it's normal for the age, but I'm not sure that anything is 'normal' for a certain age. I'm sure there are many 7-1/2 year olds that aren't acting like this.

I know they think the world revolves around them (maybe it's "just the age"), and I want them to know they are special and loved but in all reality...the world DOESN'T revolve around them!

We've been trying to give them an allowance based on the quanity and quality of work they do. That reminds me...we need to start the chore chart again. Based on the effort of the chore a monetary value goes to the chore. Making your bed you get nothing for (because it's part of living in the family) but helping me with the daycare kids you'd get paid for.

We pray before every meal and eat supper as a family together around the table 9 times out of 10. I often remind them how there are so many children (even within our own city) that miss meals because a) they don't have the money to afford food or b) their parents don't care. (Maybe I shouldn't say the b point, but when parents can afford booze and cigs and not food for their own kids, then it's selfishness IMO.)

I'm going to try your taking stuff away until they say thank you. I just wish they'd appreciate all the little things they have. I'm sure I take things for granted, but I try to always remind myself about how blessed we are.

DH has to be on-board with the kangaroo only, make your own costume or no costume at all...and I can guarantee he won't be. Maybe they get their sense of entitlement from him. Who knows?

But if my daughter complained about a 2nd-hand halloween costume, you can bet I wouldn't buy her one at all... or I'd tell her she can have a costume only if she makes it from things around the house that we already have.

If it were up to me, I'd probably do it your way.

Sounds to me like they're old enough to start doing chores around the house on commission (earning an income) - and so not this year but perhaps next year, they can choose whatever costume they like, from the money they've earned.

They have no sense of money. I get both of the girls to put money in their piggy banks (which gets deposited into their bank accounts), but I can guarantee they think they're just saving it up to spend on something fun for themselves. When I was a young teenager I thought of saving up money for my future. I wish they could have the same aspirations. I guess they're young. Maybe I should get some good books from the library about how to teach your children about how to handle money.

Not all of it is "spoiled" behavior.

If she is around any other kids her age, the kids are going to know if the costume is this seasons, last seasons, etc. Kind of like wearing a 60's bell bottom in the 80's stone washed era. Some kids can really give them a hard time if is was last season's. It may not stick out to you but it does to them. I am in complete shock when I sit and listen to the boys. They know all of the dates of the bionicals/leggo/whatever!

DD2's kangaroo costume is BRAND NEW! We bought it off the clearance rack after Halloween last year. She doesn't know or care that it's new. She said to me this morning that her older sister's costume "is pretty" and hers isn't. It's true. The kangaroo costume isn't "pretty"...but it's VERY cute!

Now if you have chores that are required regardless of money, and offer extra work they can do to earn money... that seems like a better plan.

That's pretty much how we do it. The chores that are "extra work" they get paid for.

[Libby]

Have you tried calling them on their behaviour the moment you notice it starting? They may not know they're doing it. At this age, *I* feel that this is where children learn how to manipulate their parents.

What about doing some volunteer work where they get to see other children their age enjoying life w/o the latest and greatest things being sold? That could help them understand that they don't need what their classmate is flaunting.

Perhaps this is where DD is starting to feel the effects of peer pressure?

[Nishu]

The best thing you can do is to cut back on what you buy them. An overabundance of stuff is probably aggravating their attitudes. Secondly, If they act ungrateful, just take it away. In the situation where your daughter said she didnt want secondhand, I would have said that she didn't have to have a costume at all. Seriously, the best cure for a spoiled child is a child that has to go without.

The allowance thing is completely unnecessary IMO. I found any work/pay system too time consuming to implement, and it didn't actually encourage any positive behavior. It seemed to make them think that they had the option not to work if they were okay with not getting paid. My kids have chores now and they get them done because that is what is expected of them.

Asking them to buy their own things is going to backfire as well, since they aren't going to be able to earn enough for things like Halloween costumes unless you're paying them union wages. Paying for their things some of the time would undercut your own system. Plus I wouldnt expect them to have a strong sense of money. Asking them to pay themselves would mean almost nothing to them.

[McD]

Did DD1 get to pick out her costume? Did DD2 get a choice in hers? The reason I ask is because DD2 complaining about being a kangaroo while DD1 gets to be a princess seems like normal kid behavior. I remember being upset one year because my mom wanted me to dress up like a ninja turtle to match my older brother. That's not what I wanted to be and if he got to have a choice in his costume, why didn't I?

Once Dubya was three, I let him pick out his own costume. And by pick out, I mean I asked him what he wanted to be and I found the cheapest/easiest way to make that happen. Same will happen with Moo Cow. This year she is going to be a shark. It's a costume I am borrowing from a friend and fits her ferocious attitude. Next year, she'll get asked the same question as Dubs.

I noticed a shift in Dub's behavior when he started school. More attitude, more sass, more behavior that I consider inappropriate. When I started to get to the bottom of it, I realized 1. His actions/attitudes are going to shift as he gets older. 2. He is going to continue to push and test me to figure out what his boundaries are. 3. The attitude, respect, etc. that we expect from him are not modeled to him at school.

So what do we do to combat that? 1. We continually and consistently remind him of what we expect from him. 2. We don't let the little things slide. If he forgets to say please, he is reminded. If he doesn't look us in the eye when he says thank you or he says it with sass, he doesn't get the item. 3. We're still trying to figure out the best way to handle that. When Wesley is told to do something (pick up toys, dirty clothes, come to the dinner time, help his sister, etc.), we say please. We aren't asking him to do it, but we still tell him politely and with respect. Generally, he parrots that courtesy back when he asks us to do something. I think his teacher does a great job of treating the kids with respect and using manners. However, some of the other teachers (especially the lunch aides) he encounters do not. I have concerns about this, just haven't figured out the best way to handle it. I don't expect them to pussyfoot around him, but if I don't snatch things out of my kid's hand, then neither should they just because they are older and in a position of authority. That's not a behavior I want him to emulate, that's not an action they would tolerate out of him, so why are they demonstrating it to him? And it's rude.

Just keep on doing what you are doing and be consistent. It may feel as if you are hounding them all the time, but if that's what it takes, then do it! Stay strong momma.

[heartofmine]

I typed out a whole post and it went to la la land! ughh

Basically I agree with Nishu on cutting back on what you buy for your kids. When you are giving all the time they start expecting it.

[QM]

Have you tried calling them on their behaviour the moment you notice it starting? They may not know they're doing it. At this age, *I* feel that this is where children learn how to manipulate their parents.

I try to call them on their behaviour when I notice it. Maybe I don't all the time. I don't know. I'm definately going to make them stop and give me better eye contact though.

What about doing some volunteer work where they get to see other children their age enjoying life w/o the latest and greatest things being sold? That could help them understand that they don't need what their classmate is flaunting.

I just looked into the kids and I volunteering, and it looks like there aren't any programs where they use kids' help. Unless it's third party. The girls could do some sort of fundraising of some kind and donate the money to a shelter or missions service, I guess. I'd rather they help me volunteer in a church soup kitchen so they can see first hand all the homeless people needing food.

Did DD1 get to pick out her costume? Did DD2 get a choice in hers? The reason I ask is because DD2 complaining about being a kangaroo while DD1 gets to be a princess seems like normal kid behavior. I remember being upset one year because my mom wanted me to dress up like a ninja turtle to match my older brother. That's not what I wanted to be and if he got to have a choice in his costume, why didn't I?

I didn't give DD2 a choice. Since DD1 has no costume to hand to her (like I've found off kijiji in years past) she had more of a choice this year. And now that she has a 'pretty costume', DD2 wants one.

Just keep on doing what you are doing and be consistent. It may feel as if you are hounding them all the time, but if that's what it takes, then do it! Stay strong momma.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'll keep perservering. What else can I do.

[shoiji]

Well you could always go the route that was common growing up. Take a cork and burn one end. Once cork is cooled rub the burned end around your face. Then put on old clothing with holes, find a stick and tie a kerchif on it. You are now a hobo. A sheet with eyes cut out and you are a ghost.

I think you children are also at the point where they are expressing an opinion. How about next year not going out and purchasing a costume. State months before hand that they can reuse parts of a costume or look in their closets to see what they can come up with. If your child has a pair of black pants and a black turtleneck you can make some ears out of a headband and a long black tail and with some makeup for whiskers they are a cat. Since you older daughter is old enough to get creative tell her you already purchased a costume. That if she wants to be something else then she can use part of the costume you already purchased or see what she has in her closet that can be another costume she wants to wear.

This year I plan on being a fashion don't. Like you see in the magazines. Just need to put some clothes on from my closet that do not go together and make a rectangular mask for over my eyes.

With the kangaroo costume see if she could put a skirt around it with a purse and kerchief around the neck.

Just try to make some suggestions and explain that sometimes when something isn't what they want it is better to try and figure a way to make what they want instead of complaining.

[McD]

Can you 'prettify' the kangaroo costume up? Sparkles? Glitter? A matching colored tutu?