More annoyed than offended...

[Michelle68]

So, I'm talking to my mom on the phone the other day and am just so darned excited about getting my Christmas shopping done already. Some may recall past posts in which I've talked about my mom's negativity and lack of understanding or support for my frugality, but I'm telling her about my accomplishment and she says to me in a slightly-sneering-but-"you-know-I'm-just-joking" voice: " Where did you do your Christmas shopping...at garage sales?"

Okay, well...hmmm...I actually just kinda laughed it off, but my husband and son found the comment offensive. Actually, my son said I should of said, "Why yes, as a matter of fact. But if you don't like yours, I can just take it back to the neighbor's" And now I find out that I need to spend an extra night with mom and stepdad due to my son's high school football game play-off that will be held in their city the day after Thanksgiving. Sigh

Thanks for letting me vent a little.

[Momto5RN]

i would have said no - i gave dumpster diving a try and really hit it big - just to freak her out !!!

[bunnys]

Maybe she equates frugal with cheap and that if you aren't willing to spend a significant amount of money on her, (i.e., something you value) then you don't care much about her.

She may have a point. But it's ok not to spend a lot of money. Maybe you should think about spending some of your TIME on her present by either making her something that really shows you invested effort into making it nice or by giving her some of your time to do something with her or for her that will show her you value her rather than picking up something at a garage sale or consignment shop.

Good luck.

[Michelle68]

Bunnys, actually I don't really buy Christmas gifts second hand. Mainly because when I Christmas shop, I try to find things specifically for each person and it's difficult for me to find what I'm looking for second-hand. Not that I have anything against shopping second-hand and I have seen some beautiful things that I would be very grateful to receive as a gift in thrift stores.
I shop mostly on the internet and am lucky enough (and take the time) to find good sales and use discounts.

I wish that I were creative enough to make her something (I am constantly amazed to see the incredible creations that my knitting friends on FV and FB are able turn out). Thanks so much for your suggestion, though.

[Spirit Deer]

I have the same situation with my mom and my writing. I've simply stopped discussing it with her. I don't need to be slammed for doing something I enjoy and which brings in extra money for us. She's not going to change her attitude about me writing 'that trash' so all I can do is change how I deal with her. It's easiest just not to even get into it at all. Sad she can't be happy for my success, like your mom can't for yours, but that's just how it is.

Don't let her get you down. Be happy about your successful shopping and just let your mom's negativity go. It's her problem, not yours.

[Russ]

I like Spirit Deer's idea. No point in giving her something to be negative about.

[Michelle68]

Spirit, more power to you for going after your dream. I think that perhaps my mom (and yours) are just unhappy prople deep down and it makes the feel better to tear others down. The sad thing is, my mom wasn't like this when we were growing up. She taught us to be loving, generous, good-hearted people. Unfortunately, she has a total knack for picking the wrong guys and she tends to change herself when she marries/is in a relationship to fit the person she's with. My current stepfather is not a bad person and they have been married for many years AND he does treat her decently, but he has his faults (such as being materialistic, feeling he is superior to others and not treating others very nicely at times. ) It's especially difficult because I know the person she used to be, not the person she's chosen to be.

So enough of my therapy couch session,lol. Out of curiosity, what kind of book are you writing, Spirit Deer?

[Michelle68]

Also, thanks Russ and Spirit Deer for the excellent suggestion. I think I will do just that. Sometimes it just feels danged good to get it off my chest.

[nodmicks]

I'm sorry Michelle That was really uncool for her to say.

[peanut]

{{{Hugs}}} to all of you who don't feel you have your mom's support. Sometimes it's hard for us moms to understand what is truly going on with our children and their lives, especially if they live a long ways away. I have no idea what my youngest is up to, but she is sounding discouraged. The trick is to know what to say when. Not knowing her life, that's pretty hard to know.

Still, at least I *want* to encourage them! SD and Michelle68 your moms take the cake! Big {{{Hugs}}} to both of you. Michelle, I would seriously consider telling your mother that you will not be exchanging Christmas gifts anymore, as she is an adult and doesn't need one. I don't get gifts from my children. They are too short cash and don't want to make me anything apparently.

[Sumacaroni]

My parents make tongue-in-cheek comments and joke about my choices due to frugality but I think it makes them very uncomfortable (perhaps flat out jealous) to know that we will have a paid-for property and no outstanding debts loooong before we are retired (if all goes as expected) and they can barely make ends meet because they've always spent the paychecks long before they come in. Anyone who doesn't support someone else's life choices, whether out of jealousy or disagreement in principal, it's only a problem if you let it get to you. Come here to FV and get your KUDOS!! We support you cuz we're like-minded same principals and all that good stuff!

[Spirit Deer]

Michelle, I haven't spent much time on my novels for several years, but I was quite successful at writing and selling short fiction for many years. I've since quit. Currently, I'm a contributing editor for a small camping magazine. My mom is aware of it but I don't discuss the specifics with her. She doesn't consider writing to be work in my case. If other people do it, then it's work and to be respected. If I do, it's a waste of time (her words). I've quit trying to figure it out.

The odd part is my mom is NOT a negative person. If you met her, you'd like her. Everyone does. I don't know why she's so opposed to my writing, and I don't expect I ever will. *shrug*

[Contrary Housewife]

I'm constantly amazed by the number of people whose only social skills are being rude, condescending or just plain mean, and who couch offenses with a "joke". How do they get anywhere in life?

[Michelle68]

Contrary, I know what you mean. The funny thing about my mom (as Spirit Deer said about hers) is that she really is not a mean person. She's simply unhappy and trying to keep up with her husband's attitudes and beliefs. When we see her, she gives us the biggest hug and we know she is very happy to see us. We also know she loves us. Also, when we do give her presents, she seems grateful and never makes snarky comments. After spending any amount of time in their presence, though, the negativity and remarks start again. My son, who is a great kid, very respectful, an honor student, etc. told me last night, "You know mom, Grammy must think I am the worst kid in the world the way she's always getting after me." And I know she doesn't feel that way, but that's what comes out when they talk. It's sad because I know he doesn't feel close to her and doesn't really like to be around her because of the negativity.

Thanks for all your responses. They've made me laugh, think, and feels loads better.

[VanVivCam]

Big Hugs to you. Trust me, I know how you feel!!! My dad is the one that talks about us being frugal. One year he made a remark about Chad and I needing to buying a new couch instead of using the hand me down from my hubby's aunt (which are ALWAYS in great shape!! ) He talks about me getting a better vehicle (which I drive a 2008 Toyota Tacoma 4 door, 4 wheel drive) He talks about taking nicer vacations (we went to disney this year ). He almost ALWAYS finds something negative to say. It's weird. After YEARS of cussing under my breath, I now just try to ignore it as much as possible. Good luck with your family time during Thanksgiving. May I suggest you take along a really good book to get "lost" in whenever she starts talking