my name is helen and i am abrasive.....

**rosey7415** · 11-30-2011, 01:47 AM

first off.....let me start this by saying that i get along great with my step daughter. she hangs out with us a lot and is always dropping over here. she is a blunt and a to the point type of person....and i am too. i think we get along great........... and when she left she wasn't mad at me.

she was here today and raking our leaves. she is unemployed right now and can use the money......and my dh and i have bad backs and just can't do it anymore. (some of you may remember my posting after raking 5 barrels and suffering because of my spinal stenosis.)

well, after she left i went into the kitchen where my dh was at the moment and i said jen did a great job of raking. i'm so glad we did this. he said jen said i only yelled at her 3 times today. i said "what"? i didn't yell at her. what do you mean? he said you yelled at her for picking up the wood and stacking it. ( some branches that our neighbor just gave us as she had her tree guy cut some hanging branches down for safety reasons.) i told him that i said that to her that she shouldn't of bothered as she had enough to do already. she said you don't want to look out your window all winter and see that ugly pile, do you? i thanked her for doing it. that was it. we didn't discuss what the other 2 things were because.......my dh said you are abrasive. i said i was nice to her!! he said don't get mad....it is just you. it is the way you are. it is your tone. you can be very sharp...... don't be offended.

my feelings are hurt. maybe the truth hurts. i thought of myself as a very nice and caring person. i never thought i came across like that. but abrasive???

now you all know my flaw...........i am helen, and i am "abrasive".

**daylily** · 11-30-2011, 06:09 AM

DH has an aunt that is "abrasive". She speaks in a loud, bossy tone of voice and sounds angry when she's not. If you didn't know her personality you would often be offended by her words and tone. It took me decades to learn that! I spent years being intimidated by her and finally decided when I was in my 40s that I really didn't care what she thought. It was about that time that I came to realize that she wasn't what I thought she was!

If your husband says you are abrasive, if I were you, I would believe him! It's always difficult for us to see and hear ourselves as we appear and sound to others. I've realized that I can sound bossy too, just like my dad, when I only mean to be helpful and give good advice

I have to be careful. Why not ask your DH why he feels that you are abrasive? Is it your tone only or also the words you use? He sounds like he could give you a loving critique and is willing tohelp you work on this. Best of luck

**lelap** · 11-30-2011, 08:17 AM

What a dilemma! I'm also loud and abrasive--mostly because I'm around people who can't hear.

When the kids were young and still living at home, I had to be loud for them to hear men when they were upstairs.

Now I live with my MIL who says Huh? after every sentence--I get a sore throat from having to speak so loudly.

Last year before my mother passed away, she had trouble with her eyes, but her hearing was fine. I'd be spending time with her and she would complain every time that I always yelled. So it was a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation. MIL wanted to know why I didn't speak up, and my Mother wanted to know why I yelled all the time! Sigh.

Breaking old habits is hard to do. But in your situation, I would bring up the issue of " she only yelled at me three times today." It sounds like she has some issues with you.

**peanut** · 11-30-2011, 09:24 AM

{{{Hugs}}} I have been told I 'overwhelm' people. Not entirely sure what that means.

DH drives me batty because his tone of voice sounds so autocratic and demanding...and controlling. Means I respond by being testy and angry with him. No one likes an autocratic, demanding spouse. Funny, when other people are around he sounds normal, and that's what irritates me most. He can be decent and nice if he sees a need to, but he doesn't apparently see a need to around me when we're alone. Absolutely infuriates me more!

Maybe Jen is feeling like that. I don't know. How we perceive things and how they really are can be two very different things. Big

**frugalfoster** · 11-30-2011, 09:42 AM

I read somewhere that arguments are caused by 10% of what's being said and 90% of the tone of the voice... I found that interesting!

**Incognito** · 11-30-2011, 10:43 AM

Originally Posted by frugalfoster

I read somewhere that arguments are caused by 10% of what's being said and 90% of the tone of the voice... I found that interesting!

It's kinda like that book "Call of the Wild", where Jim Thornton is rough-housing with his dog Buck, petting him while cursing him in a loving tone, which Buck adores.

BTW, you won't be the only 'abrasive' person here on FV.

**oheoh's momma** · 11-30-2011, 10:46 AM

ME TOO ! hugs

**krbshappy71** · 11-30-2011, 11:05 AM

It probably just rubbed her the wrong way that day. The phrase "you dislike in others what you dislike in yourself" always sticks in my head. You mentioned that she is the same way so she probably just said that off-handedly to your hubby not thinking it would get back to you. (I can't say as it was really necessary for him to say it to you, I mean really, he could have just said "uh huh" to her and moved on but ah well)

I'm not loud but I can definitely be abrasive. I've been warned by my bf that his mother "says what she thinks, she doesn't have much of a filter." I think a lot of people do that, especially after you've been around someone a lot, you get comfortable and don't worry about how you are coming across because you know they already know you.

I like to refer to myself as "brutally honest"

If someone asks if I like their sweater I'll tell the truth as nicely as possible. But I'll tell the truth. If someone offers to help me and I don't need their help, I'll say so just as you did. At least they know where I stand.

**frugalfranny** · 12-01-2011, 03:13 PM

This is an interesting read.........sometimes can be 'rough reality' to hear how someone else sees us........

I would discuss this further with DH.......especially since your feelings were hurt........why let it 'fester'??? Then you decide if this is something you want to work on.....or change......or
just accept that it is you and life goes on.

**rosey7415** · 12-01-2011, 05:57 PM

thank you all for your responses. i did not know what to expect. i didn't know if anyone here would blast me. but no, everyone was supportive. i needed that. now that i know i am trying really hard to come across sweeter. we will see how long it lasts...lol i do want to improve myself all the time.

daylily ....thanks i will.

lelap.....between your mother and mil i can see how you can't win lol
i have to yell for my mother as well as there is NO WAY that she would get a hearing aid. the tv in my house is so loud i get headaches.

peanut....same situation here. he is not controlling, but disrespectful of me. he talks to strangers in the supermarket better than he does to me.....we are in therapy for that now......

frugal foster and incognito...i agree!

incognito....glad i am not alone..........real glad about that! lol