My Mother grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[227melissa]

My mother is appalled by our frugal lifestyle, but yet has a negative balance in her checking account. She always send us money for Christmas and asked me to hold the check until after new years. I've told her over and over just send a cheap card for the Dollar Tree and that's all. I've worked out a budget for her and my stepdad at least 10 times, she says I can't do it grrrrrrrrrrr. They make more money than us, between SSI and my stepdad still works at 75 and brings home 800 a week, but never have any $$$$$. How long can that man possibly work ???????? They have a brand new house, 2 new cars, and just about support my stepsister and her 2 kids, my Mom shops non stop at the mall for clothes she does not need. They just filed for Bankruptcy last year, but she keeps spending. Told her to go to Goodwill, yard sales, etc. if she wants to shop, but of course I can't do that excuse again. I give up, we have serious past issues from my other stepmonster that she does not want to discuss, but I have tried to let that go. I really don't get her 70 years old and wants to live week by week by the seat of their pants one step away from losing everything ??????????????? Thanks for letting me rant.

[nodmicks]

That is tough and sadly you can't change it

[Paws]

I'm so sorry. I know this bothers you, but she'll only change if she wants to or is forced to by circumstances.
The only thing you can really do, is be there with loving support and budgeting skills when she is ready to face the facts, or has no other options.
In the meantime, hugs to you.

[krbshappy71]

At 70 yrs old, surely you aren't expecting any major changes from her?

Don't send money to bail her out.

Don't expect anything to change.

Change the subject if she starts whining, or end the convo altogether with excuses such as "oops my biscuits are burning!" she will figure it out eventually that you are not the Whine Line.

Discuss the weather.

Discuss the children if you have any.

In general it sounds like the relationship is wrapped up in money discussions lately so try to move it towards different topics instead. This may seem mean, but when my mom starts driving me nuts I launch into a story about my dogs. She has NO interest in my dogs and I know that but I have NO interest in the things she is ranting about that she refuses to change so its fair game.

Your conversations don't have to be about money unless you let them. HUGS. My mother drives me nutty too.

[peanut]

You can't change her. You can be there for her when she decides to change. I tried to change my mother too. It didn't work. She ended up bankrupt about five years before she died. Unfortunately she had mental health issues that exacerbated the problem. I feel for you, I really do. But from one who has been there, please protect yourself emotionally too. Don't get sucked in by the whine.

[Beejay]

My mother is appalled by our frugal lifestyle, but yet has a negative balance in her checking account. She always send us money for Christmas and asked me to hold the check until after new years. I've told her over and over just send a cheap card for the Dollar Tree and that's all. I've worked out a budget for her and my stepdad at least 10 times, she says I can't do it grrrrrrrrrrr. They make more money than us, between SSI and my stepdad still works at 75 and brings home 800 a week, but never have any $$$$$. How long can that man possibly work ???????? They have a brand new house, 2 new cars, and just about support my stepsister and her 2 kids, my Mom shops non stop at the mall for clothes she does not need. They just filed for Bankruptcy last year, but she keeps spending. Told her to go to Goodwill, yard sales, etc. if she wants to shop, but of course I can't do that excuse again. I give up, we have serious past issues from my other stepmonster that she does not want to discuss, but I have tried to let that go. I really don't get her 70 years old and wants to live week by week by the seat of their pants one step away from losing everything ??????????????? Thanks for letting me rant.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN !!!!
Just this morning, my sister told me that my 79 year-old mother is thinking of trading her 2008 Pontiac in for a new car because it is making funny noises ! The car still has 2 years of payments on it. When she bought this car, the trade-in was a car with $13,000 still owed on the loan, so this was rolled over to the new car. Her current vehicle has 2 liens on it. One with the auto finance company, and another lien from another finance company with the car as collateral for a large loan. She is still working because she cannot afford to retire. I just found out that her cable (TV) has been off for a week because of non-payment. She has an account in collections for a cell phone that she had got for one of my brothers.

Believe me, the above is only the tip of her financial iceberg ! I have tried to help and advise her in any way I could. But, she simply does what she wants to do. I have constantly prayed about it and have decided that I cannot take the stress of her situation on myself anymore. Sometimes, we just have to let them go on and take the plunge to the bottom ! Sending you a big HUG and a LOT of sympathy !

[bookwormpeg]

You can't change people. Protect yourself. Don't feel guilty.

[227melissa]

thanks for all the support and no I will not bail her out or stress myself out anymore. Thanks for listening.

[hnybny91]

IVY. My mother tells me one week how she needs to find a second job she can do from home because her main job is not bringing in enough and the next week we are over for dinner and she shows us this new water purifier she bought (they already had reverse osmosis - a necessity in my area.) My 22 yo son looked it up and the darn thing cost FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! My parents went through bankruptcy about seven years ago because they kept buying useless junk so you think they would have learned their lesson!

[Lady_V]

Mom is the same way... she doesn't understand how I can NOT have every latest and greatest -- while it's still NEW anyways, lol

She lives relatively expenses free. Her fiance pays the mortgage, the utility, taxes, etc... Mom doesn't even HAVE to buy the food.

She goes to Vegas at least twice a year, to the casino in Rhode Island monthly, Aruba at least once a year, to Florida at least once a year.

She is in debt to her eyeballs... when she complains to me that OldMan and I are doing everything wrong, I sigh and tell her... well, we may be doing everything wrong, but when you die, we will be able to buy glue and build you a casket out of your credit card bills. That usually shuts her up a bit.

She also doesn't send checks anymore, the whole "Mom, your check bounced" put an end to THAT.

[227melissa]

I talked to my mom on dec 26th which is her birthday, they had prime rib roast for Christmas dinner. While my stepsister and her 2 kids ( that live with my mom by the way) ate high on the hog, she couldn't even send me a Christmas card. Both her checking accounts are in the negative and she's eating a 30 dollar roast grrrrrrrrrrrr. Oh well that's her problem I'm staying out of it.

[frugalwarrior2]

Well she's your mom but your adults. She will do what she will do.
You need to adopt a protective tag line like-They know what causes that now mom. or if you spend it you won't have it. Just use it over and over until she associates it w/I love you but NotMyProblem mom. As far as the checks-rip em up.
And as far as her negativity towards your frugality? Well she doesn't have good judgement so her comments about your spending should bounce off. Opinions only count from those w/ success. If a drunk came up and highly recommended you drink more would you listen. Well,she's a financial drunk. She can't stay on a budget so she want everyone to overspend. Ignore.

[erinalexmom]

I agree with the "financial drunk" statement. I can tell you its no fun being the sober one in a room full of drunks. But its doesnt mean your the one in the wrong. Just because your in the minority doesnt mean your not the only one doing whats right. Hang in there!