Should I cancel a dinner invitation

**shoiji** · 01-10-2012, 04:34 PM

Well, I was invited to a friends house for dinner. She will be serving macaroni and cheese, potatoes and turkey. Can't eat the macaroni and cheese or potatoes. Unfortunately no matter how many times I express I am allergic to these types of foods she does not listen or remember. Realize I could bring a side and possibly eat the turkey. But do not know if the turkey is processed or not and can never get a straight answer out of her.

So I think I will be cancellng out of this meal. Feel bad in a way to doing this but there have been to many times when I have eaten at her house and ended up with an allergic reaction.

Should I still be cancelling the invitation? Just not sure how to handle this. No amount of telling her I am allergic to whatever foods will prevent her from listening or remembering.

**Uniwolf** · 01-10-2012, 04:41 PM

this is just my humble op, shoiji but here it is. Can you afford to be sick, and is it smart to knowingly do something; in this case eat something; that you know is going to make you sick?

Sorry for being blunt, but to me a friend would make special menu plans if they know you have food allergies, and has invited you to dinner.
(hugs)

**WV_mom_of2** · 01-10-2012, 04:42 PM

If I wanted to see her and enjoy a meal with her I might consider just taking my own meal. You could just tell her that you are allergic to so many things that you know she can't keep up with the list so you brought your own. That way you still see her but take care of your health too.

**Libby** · 01-10-2012, 04:45 PM

I'd call her and speak with her directly, no emails, no voice mail tag and bluntly ask what she's serving. After hearing her menu, ask if she remembers you have food allergies. Then if shes not getting the clue that she should offer to change the menu to accommodate you, politely decline the invite. I know it sounds mean and selfish to do it this way but being sick isn't worth it.

**Ceashels** · 01-10-2012, 04:58 PM

I would take things that you can eat along with you. She might not remember all of your allergies or may not be listening (that's another topic).

So I say go, enjoy your own food and offer to share the recipes with her. If she see's you show up and eat NOT what she has prepared, it may just start to click with her.

**Lady_V** · 01-10-2012, 05:10 PM

I am going to HOPE that she just forgets that you have the allergies... and not ignoring the fact that you'll be keeled over from it later.

If the invite was given so you can spend time together, you can call her and tell her that you appreciate the invite to dinner, but since you have the allergies, you have to bow out of that part, but would really like to get together after for dessert (you bring the dessert so you know it won't kill you!!!!)

I can't eat certain things either - the outlaws STILL ask if I want a burger (they've known me since '96, think they would remember???) I don't feel bad about bringing my own food to the pool parties, but I will decline if they keep inviting me for more formal occasions where I will sit there watching others

**madhen** · 01-10-2012, 05:17 PM

I agree with the others. If the invite is an informal one, and you like spending time with her, take some food that you can eat. If the invite is a formal one, and you will feel uncomfortable sitting at the table watching others eat, bow out and suggest the two of you get together at another time.

**Nishu** · 01-10-2012, 07:16 PM

I would just cancel. You've told her before, she doesn't seem to get it, and you don't deserve to be sick.

**mndtrp** · 01-10-2012, 08:21 PM

My wife and I run into this situation often. Neither of us expect the host to cook separate food for just my wife, although some do, so we just bring stuff she can eat. We don't care the reasons why there isn't food she can't eat, since it doesn't really matter.

Besides, we aren't going to dinner for the food, we are going for the company.

**hnybny91** · 01-10-2012, 10:05 PM

I have Celiac Disease and there are many times I can not eat what is served. I either bring my own food or eat before I go. If this friendship means a lot to you I would just bring a side dish you can enjoy that is big enough to share and eat her turkey.

**grneyegrl** · 01-10-2012, 11:50 PM

i feel your pain..i too cant eat much carbs..type 2diabetes..what i do is bring a side of veggies or salad..or ask if they would like a salad or suggest sides..i can eat any type of meat..but stick to chicken most of the time..

the best meal i had with friends i didnt know what was being served..they make green beans,baked potatoes,salad and steak..it was the best..didnt eat the potatoes....

**go3817** · 01-11-2012, 05:45 AM

Originally Posted by shoiji

Should I still be cancelling the invitation? Just not sure how to handle this. No amount of telling her I am allergic to whatever foods will prevent her from listening or remembering.

I wouldn't cancel if I enjoyed spending time with these friends.

I run into similar problems a few times a year as I don't eat grains, sugar, dairy... well, I only eat meat, veggies, some nuts and, rarely, fruits. If I refused every dinner invitation where I didn't eat any of the foods offered, I'd essentially refuse all of them.

It's a bit uncomfortable for me to discuss my food choices with others, especially if they are not very close friends, but every time I have to do it I realize it wasn't as embarrassing, difficult, awkward, or "impossible" as I imagined it to be. I don't expect anyone to cook something that I can eat, although some friends are very accommodating.

Here's how I was taught by a wiser online friend to handle this:

"Thanks for the invitation, I'd love to come. I don't eat X and Y though [no need to explain why]. Would it be okay if I came and didn't eat those foods? I can bring something to share that I do eat."

Often I'm asked what I "can" eat, and the host prepares something that we've decided on together. But otherwise, I still have a backup plan by bringing my own food.

So far, no one has told me I shouldn't come if I don't eat macaroni and cheese, or cake, or whatever other food.

**NikoSan999** · 01-11-2012, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by mndtrp

My wife and I run into this situation often. Neither of us expect the host to cook separate food for just my wife, although some do, so we just bring stuff she can eat. We don't care the reasons why there isn't food she can't eat, since it doesn't really matter.

Besides, we aren't going to dinner for the food, we are going for the company.

Totally agree with this. If you really like this person why take the chance on damaging a friendship over a serving of mac & cheese. Maybe she just can't remember. Whatever the reason is it worth an evening of getting out of the house with someone you enjoy being with?
I'd just take my own food and enjoy having a friend who wanted to include me in her evening by her choice.

**nodmicks** · 01-11-2012, 11:43 AM

I would bring something to share that I can eat. Her not getting it likely has nothing to do with being inconsiderate. I know my MIL loves me but she can not quite grasp the diabetic and gluten free diet I need and It has been years. Many people can't grasp these things.

**krbshappy71** · 01-11-2012, 11:51 AM

Hugs to you. My suggestion is to take your own meal, as though you were invited to a pot luck. I don't expect anyone to keep track of my health and habits, even my own mom keeps racking her brain thinking that I can't eat ANYTHING, she is the type to remember everything about everyone. I just tell her to make whatever everyone else wants and I bring my own food or if we go out I find something on the menu I can eat and if it wasn't much I just eat more at home later.