I am beside myself! PLEASE help me!Sorry Long

[mom23boyz]

I dont even know where to begin.
The last few months I have noticed changes in my DS15. Nothing bad I'd say...the way he dresses was a BIG thing. I was fine with it,in fact completely support him and stand up for him with his brothers(14 and 16) because he chooses not to be "just like them" he started spending ALOT of time with his cousin(girl 14) sometimes I feel like their relationship has gotten excessive. Not anything weird just that he doesn't spend time with friends outside of school just her. They go to different schools and I like it that way. I love her but she is a bit of trouble maker I have noticed. He ALWAYS wants to be at her house and NEVER here. Hes told me that she drinks sometimes and shes gotten in a few fights.Tried to get him involved in a few too.
About a week ago he started bugging me to let him change schools.(where she goes) I am DEADSET against it! I didn't send him to that school to begin with...for a reason. I am not flexing on this one but he keeps asking. Then 3 days ago and again last night he asked to get gauges in his ears(big round african like lobe stretchers) me and DH agred this was not a good idea. DH said "whats going on with you? Are you on drugs?" He said "no I am just me and different than my brothers. I dont wanna be like them all the time." thats fine. I am FINE with that. Last night I found out he deleted the whole family except his cousin from his Facebook page....I told him he adds me back or I delete it. I can't have him being so secretive. Ok so this morning I got on his profile. I have NEVER looked at my kids emails, text messages nothing I trust them. HOWEVER I started wondering whats going on with him so I logged on as him and read through his status'. Most were "normal" I hate my Mom shes so mean and just normal goofy stuff THEN I find it. My heart sank and I thought I was gonna lose it. I cry as I type this...(italic is DS and xxx is his friend)

Dudes!!! I think my dog likes Weed!!!!! Lol she wouldnt leave me alone!!!!!!!
January 22 at 10:25am

xxx Dont you have your mom as a friend??
January 22 at 11:25am ·

Lol not anymore my dude i deleted all my family members except Brandon
January 22 at 11:26am ·

xxx Nice so princess doesnt leave you alone??
January 22 at 11:28am

No lol the pit bull Teanie, i blew smoke in her face, and she just kept coming back lmao! But she would run away when i would light the lighter, dont be mad the weed wasnt mine, it was my cousins
January 22 at 11:30am ·


xxx Why would I be mad??? You can do whatever the hell you want!! I'm not your girlfriend hahahahaha
January 22 at 11:35am ·


Lol no i mean like im supposed to be gettin us some bud and i didnt want you to think i got some n didnt share, you know?
January 22 at 11:36am ·


xxx Oh yeah it's kool but I'll be mad if like one day you lie to me and dich me to go smoke haha but yeah I understand
January 22 at 11:44am


Nah dude i would never do that
January 22 at 12:08pm ·






xxx Ight
------------------
So now what? I just don't know what to do. Hes a pretty good kid overall. He plays football...has always criticized people who drink or do drugs now this?!? Til now I thought just typical teenage attitude etc. Any advice? TIA

[Mrs K]

No advice, just positive energy sent your way!

[Lisahas2cats]

I feel your pain....we went through some really tough times with DS when he was about this age.

Get your emotion out now. You will want to stay as matter of fact as you can when speaking with him.

Here is some of what I said to DS....In the grand scheme of things, marijuana doesn't bother me. However, it is illegal, and we are bound by the law as it stands. You are a minor, and my legal responsibility. You have made a choice to put yourself at risk, and we will figure out how to deal with that. The dog didn't have a choice, and you think it's funny but it isn't.

Reality......you can put him on absolute lockdown, but if he's determined, he will sneak around you. So you have to decide how hard you're willing to go. Are you going to go to school with him? Sleep in his room? Tear his room apart looking for pot and other things? For us, we had to ride it out. DS wasn't getting the dog high....and honestly, for me, that would be what would send me into orbit with rage.

I dont' have any real answers, and I"m sorry. Be prepared for every word coming out of his mouth to be a lie on this issue. He'll say he's done it a time or two (go ahead and multiply this by at least 5). He'll probably cry. Or rage. This is why you will have to have your emotional ducks in a row. I went the route of telling DS that his legal choices impact the whole family (as in, if he gets in trouble, *I* also face legal problems). He was grounded from all outside activities, and couldn't go anywhere without us. He still found a way around. I didn't start liking him again very much till he graduated high school .

Having said all that to say, you are not alone. I wish you the best of luck.

[Ponderer]

Yup....Lisahas2cats knows just like I do. My son is now 21 and it has caused some major major life long problems for him. He has quit since Dec 16, but only because he literally had no way of getting to any.

They lie....no matter who they are once this comes into their life, and unless it is a bad experience out of the starting gate that causes them fear and to never do it again, they lie about it. Plan on that.

I am very sorry you are having to experience this.

[bookwormpeg]

I'm sorry....sending you hugs and prayers....hang in there..

[frugalwarrior2]

Sorry mine came down w/ red eyes yesterday. He's 19 and it's my house but i just pray. He knows he will have to do a pee test for this job he wants. Should be interesting. He came home from college smoking a pipe and making them for friends. He claims he doesn't smoke pot but.. he's so pro??
Looking back on his application he put a smoking room mate is ok. didn't think anything of it at the time. You just can't judge how stupid they can be at this age. We have rampant heart trouble but that he doesn't even consider.

[Ponderer]

They can easily use someone elses urine for a drug test. They put it in a condom and tie a string to it and the other end of the string they attach to some place on their jeans....or they wear sports shorts that have the string in the waistband and use that. They tuck it in an "area" that keeps is safe as well as at their current body temp. My son has told me much.

I have decided drug testing does not do much for those getting a job. The only drug tests that have a chance of working are the ones performed randomly for those employed, since they cannot prepare for them.

[mombottoo]

This is a toughy. All we can do as parents is teach our kids right from wrong, acceptable from unacceptable and hope they figure it out in the long run.

The fact that your son finds it funny to get your dog stoned bothers me more than the fact that he is using marijuana. Lots of people smoke pot, many of them have families, very lucrative careers (legal ones) and have degrees of various levels. I am pro-choice when it comes to smoking weed, however, 15 is way too young to smoke weed, cigarettes or drink alcohol. Anything he chooses to do now will affect him....problem, he isn't going to believe it cuz he's 15.

I've had these conversations with all 4 of my kids (none of them were getting the critters high though). The first thing I would do is make sure weed is the only thing he is using...that means an all out drug test. He's going to be pissed and chances are craps going to hit the fan in your home. You have to be kind, loving and firm all at the same time...without throwing out threats (ie: punishments) that you won't be able to follow through on. Since you have found out through his FB that "cousin" is also getting high, I would inform her parents (take paper copies of his FB so you have hard proof). I would also ground him from associating with his cousin for the time being. I had my kids sign a contract outlining what was expected of them and what would happen if they broke the contract.

It's your house, your rules and he has to accept that fact.

[butterflywatcher]

So sorry to hear you are going through this, but you are not alone. My three kids are 15, 16 and 19. Our 19 year old caused so much grief for us beginning at 15. To make a long story short, he started hanging out with trouble-making kids, stole my husband's anti-anxiety pills, sold them at school, got caught, got prosecuted, expelled from school, was sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night, smoked (still does) weed, drank here and there. Oh, and he DOES have huge gauges in his ears! He kept getting piercings in various spots, including the gauges totally against our wishes. In fact, my husband and him have gotten into huge, pointless fights over it.

I tell you all that, to say that more than likely, he will grow out of it. Try to make some compromises with him. No drugs, of course, but he's going to do whatever he can get away with when you're not around. Try to remember that you are an adult and he's just a kid. You have control over your emotions and can be rational, he pretty much can't. Make sure he knows he's loved by you and his dad, not just with words, but actions.

Set straightforward rules and consequences for breaking them. Don't stray from this. But please don't make yourself sick fretting over him. When my son would stay at friend's homes over night, I would be sick with worry, not sleeping, till it dawned on me, "is me staying up all night, worrying going to stop anything that might happen with him?" No, it would not. I had to pray about it and put him in God's hands.

Anyway, he's 19 now and we are super close. He stays home now more than he has in the last three years! He has a steady, serious girlfriend. He talks to me about church which he previously had despised. He has left all his idiot friends alone, has had a job for almost two years now, got his GED last year, and just told me the other day he's going to let his ears shrink back down so he can get a better job. He wants to go to cosmetology school to learn to cut hair.

Think of it like this, there are kids out there who are your son's age smoking crack, doing meth, getting drunk every day, doing all kinds of sexual stuff. It could be really worse. Stay a constant in his life, but let him pay for his own mistakes. Tell him you know about what he's doing and make sure he's ready for the repercussions of what he's doing.

As far as Facebook and cell phones go, I don't care if my kids get mad or not. Unless they paid for it, those things are mine, and I will look at what's on them all day long if I want to. Kids are dumb and will put all their business online. I found out last year that a few months earlier, my daughter had went behind my back and went to a Kiss concert with a friend only because she posted pictures on the internet which I found in about two seconds googling her name. She was grounded for four months for that!

Oh, and lock up all your pills! Seriously.

Stay strong!!!!!!!

[oheoh's momma]

the issue is that he is 15. 15 year olds think smoking pot is fun and being annoying to parents is normal...I don't have an issue with the pot but the fact he lied about it would send me over the edge.. (getting the dog high would also)
I raised 4 teenagers who smoked pot and drank I knew did not like it but thye told me truth about it. I took car keys from kids when they partied..
Talk to him about the lying more so than the pot. This could be expertimental. Let him get his ears gaged if he wants to be different it is not a big deal.
Tell him he is always tell u the truth even if u don't like it...
If he keeps secrets from u he will keep worse. so nip it in the bud now...
Don't give him money to buy his pot make him get a job to pay for it...
Pray momma that it is a phase and love him through it.
(all of mine done drugs, drank, got pierced, and tattos) all are great kids who handle responsibility well.
I am not advocating drug use I am saying don't over react...But momma trust your heart, my kids never went beyond the experimental use I was very lucky..
Pills and harder stuff are a different story though hugs pen

[madhen]

I don't have kids, but I would not have the slightest qualm about telling him that I looked at his FB and found his statements. He will try to deflect re: your invasion of his privacy. I would probably calmly tell him your respect for his privacy is based on his respect for being part of the family, and that he lost his right to privacy when he started committing crimes in the family home.

After that, I think it is a conversation between him and you, as to what he can do to regain your trust, and then you'll just have to move forward from there.

Until then, I would openly, and with his knowledge, check his room, his backpack, his car (or your car, if he uses it), and I would also check his cellphone and his computer and put an end to his visits with his cousin.

As already suggested, I would call the cousin's parents, not accusing, but just to let them know that you found evidence that she is using drugs, and that you thought they ought to know. You might enlist their assistance in making sure that she stays away from your son (and he stays away from her), as they obviously are influencing each other to make poor choices.

I would probably also inform his teachers of the situation, so they know to be on the look-out for any sneaking around when he is away from you.

I wouldn't read too much into the dog thing. He probably blew one puff at the dog when she got curious about what he was putting into his mouth, and blew the story up to sound cool to his buddy on FB.

[mombottoo]

Sorry I don't agree with notifying anyone except the cousin's parents and I wouldn't do it over the telephone...once you notify the school they can and most likely would notify the authorities and the authorities could charge him with a crime, as well as, call CPS.

Facebook wouldn't be an issue for me because, he would no longer have an account or cell phone (if he has one). The pot smoking aside, he has broken your trust, he lied to you and while I may be pro-choice he broke the law as it stands. Far as the school goes I would make sure that he has been attending his classes and I would ask them to call me if he were to be absent from any class and leave it at that.

If he wants to put holes in various parts of his body he can do so once he is an adult...he is a KID...kids don't get to make the rules, they get to follow them.

[frugalfoster]

We had a teenage boy (not a relative) who came to live with us. He had been flunking out and was an extremely intelligent kid. One morning I went in to wake him up and found a bag of weed and a pipe laying on the covers (obviously not as intelligent as I thought). This boy had been in one bad living situation after another. He was considered "trouble" by his step mother and she just didn't want to raise him anymore. Instead of the father sticking up for his son, we ended up with the boy.... So after finding the weed....(he knew I had... I woke him up).... I sat on it for a week until I cooled down. I then ordered a drug testing kit over the internet without telling him. The conversation that took place after it arrived went something like this.

"I ordered a drug test kit and it came today... (so my dh went in with him and got a urine sample).If it comes back positive you have 30 days to get yourself clean...if it comes back negative then you don't have to worry...but just know that that drug kit came with 12 testing sticks...so I can test you whenever i feel it necessary. You want to live here...you stay clean".

I have to say i never needed another test stick...the boy went on to finish high school...bringing up his grades from failing , to a 3.5 in his senior year. He then went on to college and graduated with a double degree and became the student body president in college. The choice was his in the end. He just needed to know that he would suffer the consequences of a bad choice.

Sure kids will be kids...but the bottom line..we are the parent. It is our responsibility to keep them as safe as we can. I don't agree with looking the other way when they start to stray. Until they are 18, it is up to us.You do what you think you need to do to get your son through this troubled time... I feel for you!

[bunnys]

I agree with many of the posters who are concerned about getting the dog high. It shows a complete lack of sensitivity toward another living being and is exceedingly cruel.

I think that often parents think they have no leverage over their kids who are out of line but the reality is that they have plenty of leverage.

First, he still relies on you for everything in his emotional, physical and spiritual life. But if you don't recognize what you have to control his behavior with and leave some things off the table as untouchable, you are giving your power away and pretty much quitting before the fight begins.

Please consider using guilt to appeal to his better instincts. He loves you and it will kill him if he knows you are disappointed in him and no longer trust him. Even @ 15 he wants to please you. I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with applying guilt. The most important factor in human relationships is being able to trust people you love to treat you with dignity and respect and they should feel bad about themselves if they don't live up to their word.

I would expect anger, pouting, begging and a lot of lying. And then more lying. He will probably turn this around on you and attack you for invading his privacy.

I would randomly drug test him, frequently.

And I wouldn't let him be alone in the house (or with the dog or for that matter with any younger siblings) again or for a long time.

I'd also say no to those gross earrings. Plastic surgery to fix that mess is expensive. He can screw up his ears once he's paying the medical bills.

Excellent post FRUGALFOSTER.

[alotofgooddeals]

my son has a facebook...and i have read someof his messages before and woh...i question him on them and he acts like there is nothing wrong....I have taken away his facebook numerous times because if he cant make the right choices then i will have to make them. There has been no mention or drugs or alcohol though that would throw me over the edge....my first thought was to tell you to close his facebook page and pull him from school and homeschool him and never ever let himout of your site...haha...I have threatened my son with this. I know this is not logical but man why does raising kids have to be so darn hard...

Good luck with whatever yo choose...

QUOTE=mom23boyz;1610913]I dont even know where to begin.
The last few months I have noticed changes in my DS15. Nothing bad I'd say...the way he dresses was a BIG thing. I was fine with it,in fact completely support him and stand up for him with his brothers(14 and 16) because he chooses not to be "just like them" he started spending ALOT of time with his cousin(girl 14) sometimes I feel like their relationship has gotten excessive. Not anything weird just that he doesn't spend time with friends outside of school just her. They go to different schools and I like it that way. I love her but she is a bit of trouble maker I have noticed. He ALWAYS wants to be at her house and NEVER here. Hes told me that she drinks sometimes and shes gotten in a few fights.Tried to get him involved in a few too.
About a week ago he started bugging me to let him change schools.(where she goes) I am DEADSET against it! I didn't send him to that school to begin with...for a reason. I am not flexing on this one but he keeps asking. Then 3 days ago and again last night he asked to get gauges in his ears(big round african like lobe stretchers) me and DH agred this was not a good idea. DH said "whats going on with you? Are you on drugs?" He said "no I am just me and different than my brothers. I dont wanna be like them all the time." thats fine. I am FINE with that. Last night I found out he deleted the whole family except his cousin from his Facebook page....I told him he adds me back or I delete it. I can't have him being so secretive. Ok so this morning I got on his profile. I have NEVER looked at my kids emails, text messages nothing I trust them. HOWEVER I started wondering whats going on with him so I logged on as him and read through his status'. Most were "normal" I hate my Mom shes so mean and just normal goofy stuff THEN I find it. My heart sank and I thought I was gonna lose it. I cry as I type this...(italic is DS and xxx is his friend)

Dudes!!! I think my dog likes Weed!!!!! Lol she wouldnt leave me alone!!!!!!!
January 22 at 10:25am

xxx Dont you have your mom as a friend??
January 22 at 11:25am ·

Lol not anymore my dude i deleted all my family members except Brandon
January 22 at 11:26am ·

xxx Nice so princess doesnt leave you alone??
January 22 at 11:28am

No lol the pit bull Teanie, i blew smoke in her face, and she just kept coming back lmao! But she would run away when i would light the lighter, dont be mad the weed wasnt mine, it was my cousins
January 22 at 11:30am ·


xxx Why would I be mad??? You can do whatever the hell you want!! I'm not your girlfriend hahahahaha
January 22 at 11:35am ·


Lol no i mean like im supposed to be gettin us some bud and i didnt want you to think i got some n didnt share, you know?
January 22 at 11:36am ·


xxx Oh yeah it's kool but I'll be mad if like one day you lie to me and dich me to go smoke haha but yeah I understand
January 22 at 11:44am


Nah dude i would never do that
January 22 at 12:08pm ·






xxx Ight
------------------
So now what? I just don't know what to do. Hes a pretty good kid overall. He plays football...has always criticized people who drink or do drugs now this?!? Til now I thought just typical teenage attitude etc. Any advice? TIA[/QUOTE]