Should I say something to her...very long rant

**MANDERS** · 06-06-2002, 09:00 AM

Ok here it goes.I'll start with sunday since that's when dh family met us at red lobster for dh birthday lunch.We all get there and my nephew starts acting up,won't eat won't sit down or behave(he is almost 4)well she ends up saying that him and dd need to be seperated cause they aren't behaving.Ok well excuse me but my child was behaving before you got here and is eating her food and being a kid.Ok well she goes on to spoon feed her 4yr old and he spits it out.Hello my 13mo old feeds himself.Then my nephew spills his drink all over her,don't even ask what is said.Ok so i tell dd that if she eats all her food she can have dessert.My sil tells her son that he can't have any if he doesnt' eat.So what happens dd eats all her food(first time for shrimp)and I get her a sundae.Dnephew doesn't eat a thing not one bite and his moms get a big ice cream and shares it with him and says its not fair cause Lauren got one and he didn't.Oh yes it is she ate her food and he didn't.

Now on to last night my sil calls and asks us if my nephew can stay the night cause she just can't get anything done(she called at 9pm)and that she wanted to take a bath by herself.So we say ok,she was here in 20 min didn't come 2feet away from her car and said see ya later and left no hug kiss nothing.so we go inside and he has a poopy diaper that was there for a very long time(before he came over)so I made him wipe his own butt cause someones got to teach this kid something.(remember almost 4)then I call dmil to tell her that she won't be watching him today cause I have him,so she trys to call sil and she isn't there.then when she did get ahold of her she said she just got out of the tub,but before they got off the phone she said she has to go so she can take a bath.HMMMMM....I figure she has a guy over there.

This poor kid can't even dress himself,has never been taken to the potty(besides me doing it)he is totaly out of control and doesn't mind for anything.I am working on potty training him today,but I kinda feel like I shouldn't cause its not my kid.And let her deal with it.but he needs to be trained.the whole reason of her bringing him over was she never has any time to herself except when she is at work and her son is at his dads.She is complaining to the wrong person about that one.I am going to say something to her when she picks him up.neither one of his parents spends anytime with him or acknowledges him.A part of me feels he would be better off over here,but that is a long shot.What should I say to her.

**mustang80** · 06-06-2002, 09:54 AM

OMG Amanda! My DH family is the same as yours! My 3 1/2 year old nephew is NOT potty trained, and goes at my house on the potty. They (SIL and MIL) get mad at me for encouraging him. C'mon now, why do you still want to change diapers??? Much less pay for them! SIL DD wasn't trained until age 4 also. My SIL is just lazy.

Also my nephew does not eat. He licks pbj off of crackers, and leaves the slimy crackers. This is his breakfast, lunch and dinner. It is the most disgusting thing!

My DD's beg not to have to eat with him, its so repulsive. Wouldn't you be taking him to a specialist to see why he won't eat??? I think he has a swallowing problem because SIL did not give him any baby food until he was 9 months or older. Now he's afraid he will choke.

On the behavior issue, I have the same problem. If my niece (very active 6 year old) is running through MIL's house, my DD's get in trouble for "making Chelsey run". WHAT??? One DD is on the computer, and the other one is watching tv! How can they make her run??? Restaurants are a disaster. Niece and nephew are wandering all around the table, etc. My kids have always behaved in public as well as at home. I have gotten compliments in restaurants on my kids behavior. I am embarrassed to go out to eat with them.

I don't know what to tell you to say. Is she DH sister? My SIL is DH sister, but we are very close friends, have been since we were in Jr. High before I met DH. If anything needs to be said, I leave it up to DH, and usually he will say something. He doesn't care if they ever speak to him again. He even wants to stop the Christmas gift exchange because they give him crappy gifts. He's going to start WWIII with that one.

I am thankful I have a DH that sides with me. I'm sorry I don't know how to advise you, but thought you might like some company on these issues! LOL You're not alone!

**keilley** · 06-06-2002, 10:29 AM

Is there one in every family? My sister's dd who is 2.5 is a terror. Her family could not go anywhere without her making a scene. She throws a fit in the restaurant, refuses to get in the grocery cart, refuses to be buckled in her carseat, she kicks when her diaper needs changing, she pinches and scratches my kids.

My 5 y/o said "Mom, is she an alien?" I asked why he said that. He said "She is so bad." LOL. She stayed with us a month. We worked with her until she was a well-behaved child. We went to the grocery stores, went out to eat(2 hours)...no problem.A week later, my sister calls and says, "I want to send her back. She is so bad."

Arrrrrgghhhhhh. My dh said, "No way! Even if we had her for a year, she'll be back to her old self in a week."

Lay down your house rules with your nephew. Tell him, "in our house, this is what I expect you to do." Don't expect any carryover anywhere else. It's a waste of time and energy.

Keilley

**TheFrugalDiva** · 06-06-2002, 10:43 AM

what really bites my hide....is when that SIL will start telling everyone who will listen...whats wrong with MY children...when she has one thats a crack whore...one thats a pot head....oh but SHE is the only person in the world who knows how to raise children....(she is the LAST person in the world I will take advice from)

oh and about the swallowing problem because of no baby food til 9 mths....I have to doubt that...of my four boys...2 of them never ate ANY food...not one bit...they were totally breast fed til at least 11 months....and they dont have ANY food issues now LOL they will willingly eat anything that isnt nailed down!!! Not to say that that kid doesnt have SOME kind of problem..he obviously does..LOL...but Im a strong advocate of breast milk only in the first year..thats another thing I used to have to fight my SIL on...she kept telling people I got some sort of sexual thrill out of breastfeeding..that it wasnt normal! can you believe that??...she would tell STRANGERS this!!!and then she would try to go behind my back and feed my kids stuff...ggrrrrrrr......they were fat chunky babies....alwasy at the top of the growth charts...and yet she would gripe that they need REAL FOOD to grow!!..

oooo ok I better stop...the whole SIL issue gets me fired up!!!! lmao

**milach** · 06-06-2002, 11:13 AM

I have realized one thing- there is no such thing as bad kids, just bad parents. The reason your nephew acts up is because your SIL lets him act that way. By nagging him to eat, behave or whatever doesn't do anything. Why should he eat? he know's he'll get dessert at the end regardless. Why should he stop running around- he knows he won't have to sit in the car until he calm down, much less spanked. It sounds like your SIL's method of discipling is telling him "Stop, or I'll tell you to stop again". Granted my son is a very picky eater and doesn't eat his meals. But I no longer cook him his own meals, he doesn't get any snacks afterwards if he doesn't eat, and yes, he goes to bed most nights without supper. I've mentioned this several times to the dr and all they say is he'll eat when he's hungry. He's been doing much better as far as atleast trying his foods, but we still have a long way to go. I know this is my fault, by cooking him what he wants because "I can't let him starve". No more- your SIL needs to do the same.

I do agree that you need to come up with house rules for when he's at your house. Does a 4 year old really need to be potty trained? My son is 2 1/2 and he knows how the potty works, what doing pee pee and poopie means- it's just a matter of getting him to want to do it. At 4 years old, it sounds like he's more lazy than anything (can't blame him when his mom treats him like a 6 month old baby spoon feeding him and changing his diaper, dressing him) I'd say rule #1- we use the potty here. There's no reason for you to be changing a 4 year old's diaper just because his mom doesn't encourage using the potty. In your other house rules address the other issues that concern you while he's visiting. I'd print them up, show them to his mom. If he can't abide by them- he gets sent home. If she doesn't like it- too bad. Just because he has rule of the roost at her house, doesn't mean he does at yours.

I really do wish you the best in this- you need to put your foot down and say something. Just remember- it's your house, not his.

Laura

**audpodge** · 06-07-2002, 09:36 AM

One definate advantage to being in the military is that you are usually too far away to call on for regular babysitting by family members. Not that I don't love my dn, but you know what I mean.
Friends children on the other hand ... TOTALLY different story.
I'm not sure if my dh and I are the strange ones or if maybe we have a sign that says "LUNATICS! Settle in here!" The problem that I run into is that my pateince with other peoples children is pretty short and I have never been accused of being the most tactful person in the world. Last Thanksgiving we had som friends over with their 2 ds and I thought I was going to kill them. All of the kids were playing outside and her youngest kept getting into my car and honking the horn. She did nothing. I go out there and lock my car. What does he do? He stands on my hood and starts jumping on it. I yell out the kitchen window for him to get off. I know that this isn't going to work, but I was actually dropping a hint to his mother that I was real crazy about what was going on. She looks at me and says,"You can go spank him if you want." I lost it. Why would you do that. My kids aren't perfect, but damn! Do any of you spank? Your own kids, I mean. I know a lot of people are against it, but I'm all for it. What do you think?

**bamamomto4** · 06-07-2002, 11:58 AM

Oh Gosh-I feel for you.I would say something to her for sure! It seems she's lacking some parenting skills and something he does,is because he KNOWS he can get away with it.
He knew if he didn't eat his meal,he would still get a dessert.And she prob knew she would get him one if he didn't,just so he hush up a while.

If his parents are not giving him the attention he needs,alot of the things he does,is to get attention.Does he behave at your house? Does he willingling use the potty?

I have a huge issue when our family comes over and the moms leave their kids for me to watch.They could be climbing the wall and the mom say "Well he does at home.." WELL NOT IN MY HOUSE HE DON'T!!!! And what gripes me to no end is they let their kids play on MY computer!! I hear "he knows how to turn it on.." "he can play the card games.." Well excuse me but I bought this computer,and my own kids don't just get on here when ever they feel like it. And she wonders how things get deleted off of hers.....

and the swimming pool....I could care less who swims in there.The only rules are no dunking other people,diving or PEEING in MY pool!! But................They let their kids in and I have to babysit them....Sometimes I feel I have to cause I would just die if a child drowns in our pool(and I'm talking about 2 and 3 year olds who CAN'T SWIM!!!!...)....and their parents certainly don't watch them,so someone has to.

Anyways..sorry for rambling on about my family on your post LOL

I hope she realizes what she's doing to her son....or not doing.
Let us know what you say and how she reacts!

**bamamomto4** · 06-07-2002, 12:05 PM

Oh and to answer audpodge...we spank sometimes but not alot.
I always feel bad if I spank my kids LOL And if dh spanks one...I get mad at him LOL...isn't that weird!!!

But I do make my kids mind.They don't run around and act like they have no sense.My 3 year old is the worst.She doesn't like to mind,back talks,and does what she wants to do....I have to put her in her place and spank her more often that the other 2.Of course the baby is only one,so he's good

He kinda goes with the flow...if he gets into something and I say stop...he stops....what a sweet boy I have

**MANDERS** · 06-07-2002, 04:07 PM

Ok yesterdy my dnephew was an angel at my house,yes we had to work with him some but he was pretty good for a kid that gets no attention or discipline.Well when he woke up(remember he spent the night)his pullup was dry!I immediatly put underwear on him and it was about an hour later when I took him potty he went.Well he did this 3 more times and no accidents.We even went to the library and dh work with no accidents untill...............
he gets home she said she asked if he had to go and he said no so she doesn't take him so he pees on the floor 3 times.Not to mention that she called on her way home from work and asked if he wanted to come home(first time she called all day)of course he said no.I told her that I ordered pizza and it would be here in about 5 min.She said well I'll go on home then and he can eat here and you just call me when hes done.OMG i was ticked.Anyways she picked him up last night and we told her how great he was and everything.And dh said that maybe he should stay here for a while till we get him trained and so he can learn things(he can't even dress himself or buckle himself in the car MY dd buckled him in and even brushed his teeth)Well she had to go then.

This morning I call to check up on him to see if he pottied this morning she said no(it was 11am)she had probably put a diaper on him.I told her he can come over here,and she said that he spends friday nights with his dad.Ok if he was going to be gone in a day then why in the hell did she need to get away from him wed.Anyways I replied with well you need to tell his dad that he needs to work with him and that you just can't ask if he has to go potty you have to take him.I also said everyone needs to help out with this cause I am not his parent and shouldn't be doing this and I can't do this all by myself.then she had to go.I also informed her that she brought him over with a nasty couple hours old diaper and she said well he didn't tell me.OMG!!! then she went on to say he knows he is supposed to tell her cause he knows he will get diaper rash.Let me tell you that she is getting a phone call from me today and I am going to let her have it once and for all.

**Lori Biever-Launder** · 06-08-2002, 04:54 PM

I have a real thing about picky eaters. I tell everyone that I am not a short order cook! You eat what I make or go without. My two boys eat almost everything.Neither of them are wild about green peppers or lima beans, but eat just about everything else.

My youngest nephew is like this. He eats NO (ready for this?) meat (except hot dogs and hamburgers, of course), no veggies (except canned corn and green beans), no milk, no cheese, no eggs...he basically lives on crackers, chips and Eggo waffles. When they came to our house for Christmas one year, DH and I SLAVED to make a turkey dinner with all the trimmings. You know what he ate? An English muffin that I had in the bread drawer!

My boys aren't perfect by any means, but they behave themselves when out to eat. I HATE it when kids get up and wander around and their parents completely ignore them. I have pulled little ones away from door that were open to parking lots on BUSY streets on more than one occasion.

Amanda, let us know what sil has to say about this. I am dying to hear her explanation!

**AmyBoz** · 06-08-2002, 06:59 PM

There is definitely one in every family. My sil has 4 kids and just told us all last night that they are expecting a 5th in December. Three of them are total nightmares and one is good, but it is only because they ignore him and he just does his own thing. Although, we noticed yesterday that he is starting to act out with anger which is NOT a good thing. They are scary parents...they ignore their bad behavior, always give in, let the kids run the house, and always make excuses for them. It makes the rest of us crazy. I totally agree with whoever said that there are no bad kids, just bad parents. When the kids are at MY house, they know the rules, they know that I will give them quite a talking to if they don't behave, and they are just fine. But at their house, or anywhere else the parents are in charge of them, watch out! I would definitely say something to your sil. It's a difficult situation to be in, but the bottom line is the good of the child. I don't know if she is planning on enrolling him in kindergarten when he's 5, but they sure as hell won't take him if he isn't potty trained! Not to mention the embarassment he'll suffer.

**MicheleMomof3** · 06-10-2002, 12:03 AM

I agree with the person who suggested a list of rules. Politely say, In your house you choose to deal with him however you wish. But if you want my services as a babysitter then you must agree to my rules. Otherwise I cant have him showing my kids my rules dont matter. Plus he wont listen to me if he knows he doesnt have to follow rules. Id be careful about going off on her. Maybe she needs someone to politely but straight forward tell her what she is doing. How diffcult she is making his life. Its no ones fault but her own. And does she *really* want that hanging over her head??
Also, heres my 2 cents on being 4 and not being trained. Any kids who isnt trained by the age of 4 is cause of one of 3 reasons....1. The kid is lazy & wants to remain the *baby* or 2. The parents are lazy or 3. There is a medical reason for this. Otherwise there is NO reason in the world a 4 yo should not be trained.
Im all for Attachement Parenting. But Dh & I do it a bit differently. We let our children lead us but no control us. In life there are certain standards and rules as adults in society we must follow. And I dont think anyone who has to walk a mile in a 4 yo's shoes want to see whats it like to go to pre-school or the playground with a diaper on. Theres a time where YOU have to be the parent and make decsions your kids are not capable of making. Most parents like your SIL just simply do not like the *job* of being a parent. Too much work to make sure they are responsible children. Or maybe she doesnt like to be the bad guy. If she never makes him do anything then in her mind he will always prefer him, which is sometimes the mindset in divorce situation. Its selfish behavior. Its always about them and not about the child.
Its a sticky situation to be in. But if you dont nip it in the bud it could set a bad example for your own children. Let us know how it works out.
~Michele~

**Michelle** · 06-10-2002, 09:46 AM

Amanda, any updates with this situation? Did you talk to her? I agree with what Michele has said. Good luck!

Chelle

**MANDERS** · 06-10-2002, 02:13 PM

Nope haven't talked to her yet.It was her birthday this weekend so I didn't want to spoil it.Though yesterday we were all over at mil house for sil bday and dnephew was in a diaper I took him potty twice and dh loudly said that is not your resposiblity and its not your kid,just so sil could here.I think maybe I should write her a letter than just tell her,sometimes I can get caught up in the moment and fly off the handle with no warning.By the end of this week she will know how I feel(and how the whole family feels too)And my nephew stayed with his dad this friday and he pottied over there and he tried to take the credit,she told himt hat I have been working with him and I am the one who had trained him.LOL can't really train him when his parents reverse it the second they get home.I'll write the letter today or tomorrow and let you read it first to get some input.This is what I really want to say......You suck at a parent and care about nothing except yourself.I think you have totally neglected your child in his developement.For someone who would not take parenting advice from a 22yr old(meaning me)you are sure letting that 22 yr old raise your kid.Maybe you should've taken my advice a lot sooner.If I wasn't a nice person I would call social services and have him snatched out of your house quicker than you can blink an eye.but I love this child so much I can't do that.I will not potty train him myself and teach him things when you go and reverse it for free.If you want me to do this he must stay with us for a month so you will not srew it up.

What do ya think,lol.This is how I really feel + more.

**CountryMom** · 06-10-2002, 07:30 PM

Wow, I don't know what to say.

I think it is great that you are helping your nephew out. I hope his mom wakes up soon.

I haven't really been around any children like you have discribed. I agree it is probably poor parenting. My dcousin acted out A LOT when she was younger to get attention. She got plenty of attention from her parents (they probably should have ignored her a bit), but she thought she needed more.

She is 7 now and thankfully has outgrown that stage. I think the arrival of her little sister helped a lot.

A letter is probably a good idea, maybe it will wake your sil up.