Is it easy for you to set boundaries?

**homesteadmamma** · 04-07-2005, 10:08 AM

This is one area I'm working on right now through a group of sessions I'm taking. Its very interesting for me because I find I can set good boundaries in some areas, but when it comes to one family member I have a difficult time.

After a great group session last week, I was finally able to set a boundary this week with that family member and not feel any guilt about it.

How about you?

**paelthom** · 04-07-2005, 10:11 AM

Nope, this is something that I am not good at - unfortunately.

**jlxian** · 04-07-2005, 10:17 AM

I think family is especially hard for boundary setting. There are so many issues or baggage items involved with family -- and it seems that if you are having trouble setting boundaries with a family member there are even more of those sticky issues involved.

It's painful, but doable. Congrats CJ! Thats a big step -- I know from my own experience!

**SCDowney** · 04-07-2005, 10:38 AM

I have a hard time setting boundaries too, but am getting better at it. Have to work at it all the time. I set boundaries last year because I felt the people close to me were draining the life out of me. In another thread, I had posted last winter about a friend who really crossed all boundaries. I have been successful while continuing the friendship. I used to be a doormat, but finally found my cohones!
I wonder if this is a stage I'm going through; I get so angry (furious actually) sometimes when I feel someone is "crossing the line." I want to say harsh things, but never do of course.
Does anyone else feel like this?

**pkellyc** · 04-07-2005, 10:42 AM

Tough one for me too. I seem to be all bark and no bite and everyone knows it. I am doing better with a sister who thinks her family should come before my own and a daughter who will not take responsibility for herself. (even though she keeps reminding me she is an adult) Barely, she is only 19 going on 20 and still in college.

So good for you and congrats I hope it's contagious!

**PrairieRose** · 04-07-2005, 10:48 AM

With my extended family I'm pretty good at it. With my immediate family I have more difficulty. I do pretty good most of the time, it's just the "every now and then" that gets me.
Congrats Cj, I'm very happy for you that you seem to be making progress in that area.

**Michele Annette** · 04-07-2005, 11:39 AM

I was finally able to set some boundries starting a few years ago. It was very difficult at first, but it got easier as my family moved further and further away. It's hard making demands on someone that lives so far from you and isn't involved in the daily grind. I know if I lived closer to my family that I would have a much more difficult time.

**homesteadmamma** · 04-07-2005, 12:55 PM

After reading your responses, my question then becomes "why is it so hard to set boundaries with family members"?

**paelthom** · 04-07-2005, 01:22 PM

For me, it's because I am just such a sucker for a sob story. I cave in too easy. I can set boundaries with Ryan but not with my sister (obviously). Extended family it just depends on how weak I am at a particular minute.

**Dedlered** · 04-07-2005, 02:16 PM

I have a difficult time with boundries as well

**SCDowney** · 04-08-2005, 10:44 AM

I have a hard time with family because I was conditioned that way, I believe that family comes first, and this is how I have gotten my sense of connection with them.
In spite of that, I have been working on my boundaries, and ways to feel close with them without being a doormat, for the last couple of years. I've had great difficulty with one niece, beccause it helps me feel that I have a close connection with her. I feel really guilty when I set boundaries with her, I love her dearly, but I don't see how it has helped her at all.
My sisters are easier, because they have recognized this in themselves and helped me.
My mother is difficult! I have challenged her lots in the last year and feel very badly about it, but it is easier that she doesn't live near me. She has backed off alot. I am going to spend time with her at the end of the month; she is in her eighties and I want to reinforce my connection with her after the difficult fall/winter we've had. Should be interesting!
In short, for me, it is all about my connection with family.
Good luck, everybody!

**Michele Annette** · 04-08-2005, 12:07 PM

Shelia summed it up best for me:

I have a hard time with family because I was conditioned that way, I believe that family comes first, and this is how I have gotten my sense of connection with them. In spite of that, I have been working on my boundaries, and ways to feel close with them without being a doormat, for the last couple of years.

I don't talk to one of my Aunts so much anymore as she would refer to my DH as the "Big A". She one time at the guts to say to me at a family reunion( DH had stayed at home)...I hope you won't be having kids with the "Big A". I was so angry and at the time I didn't have the nerve to tell her off right then and there! Finally I did talk to her about it and told her how much it hurt my feelings and how dare her make such a judgement based on someone that she doesn't even KNOW!! Not only does she not know DH, but has no desire to even get to know him!! That really made her feel bad and for good reason, since that really hurt my feelings and I thought her and I were close at one time! Not anymore, and I proceeded to tell the whole story to ALL my family members, to warn them, if they as so much make such a judgement again, I will have nothing to do with them! I was so angry!