Sometimes helping seems hopeless.....

**hollyhill** · 07-05-2005, 04:39 PM

OK, what should I do.
I think you know that we are in difficult financial shape. My husband lost his job last year and has returned to school full time to retrain. We are barely getting by and are living on prayer. But there is always someone worse off right?
In this case it is a friend/aquaintance who we have been helping along for a long time of course when my Dh lost his job we could no longer hand over gas money or money for food when ever she asked. But we have still helped in anyway we could. I have brought over food when I have had a "windfall" and she often comes over and does her laundry at my place. (I hang my laundry to save on bills but she uses the dryer). She will still phone and ask for 25$ even though she knows we don't have it and her husband has a job!

Well they had alot of their stuff stored at their last home and they still had it there after 6 months. Theycould have moved it but they hadn't. So now they found out that there had been a fire and the home had been broken into and the landlord had sent the remaining stuff to the dump.
So now she is here crying, she lost all her family photos, her wedding dress etc etc etc. She found some stuff at the pawn shop and needs money for that....

My Dh has had enough, he says she sets herself up for all this. Who in their right mind would leave personal important stuff for so long in a semi abandoned house?

Also, he says he refuses to give her another penny until she stops smoking.

I feel sorry for her and try and help her however I can.

So how do you respond to those who don't seem to learn.

**homesteadmamma** · 07-05-2005, 05:02 PM

You quit helping them, period!!!! I think you need to support your dh in this.

We have another thread going along the same line here a few days ago. You can't keep helping those who don't want to learn. They will continue to take advantage of you.

The best way to help anyone is first pray for them. Then give them one of Dave Ramsey's books or a book on frugality.

I learnt the hard way that giving and giving only depletes your finances and that MOST people don't really want to learn as long as your continuing to hand out.

**mommy2many** · 07-05-2005, 05:21 PM

My honest opinion? Pray with them. Pray that they will understand how to handle their money.

**mom2matty** · 07-05-2005, 05:26 PM

I agree........as hard as it might be you need to stop helping, it just endables them to continue to use you for help!

Sending

and prayers for all of you!

**Darlene** · 07-05-2005, 07:59 PM

Let them learn how to help themselves. They have to find thier way on their own. You've tried to help them thru some tough times but nothing has changed. They need to do it on thier own. It's all about choices. You can do one thing or the other, each has consequences. They need to travel that road and make wiser choices and rise to the top or make bad ones & sink. What ever they choose it's their decision.
There is always more than one choice and they aren't stuck...let them go do...

**guest000** · 07-05-2005, 08:16 PM

I wouldn't have started giving them money. You guys are NOT a bank. I help friends all the time, but it has nothing to do with cash. If they want to come have dinner with my family and I, my door is always open. But calling to ask for money in specific amounts. Wow--where's the dignity?

There most certainly is going to be someone that is worse off than you are and giving that worse-off person a hand up is very noble. But handing out cash that you hardly have isn't good either.

Also, her leaving all her important stuff behind... she might not have been able to take it all, but I would have assessed which one of those items meant the most and dragged them along. I feel bad for your friend. She seems like she's in a tough spot where all bets are off and pride is out the window. I hope she shimmies out of that hole. It must be rough.

As for you, you're a VERY good friend, but don't give away what you don't have to give.

**hollyhill** · 07-06-2005, 12:37 AM

You all are right....but sometimes I wonder if some people are down for so long that they cease to think clearly, do you know what I mean.....

Maggie you were right on when you said....she has lost her dignity and

I feel bad for your friend. She seems like she's in a tough spot where all bets are off and pride is out the window. I hope she shimmies out of that hole. It must be rough.

Thats the problem..... I also think I should give some more of her background.

She has 4 children 3 with ADHD. Her husband works on and of as a waiter! And is trying so hard to do something which pays better. Everything seems to go wrong. He got a great job with a company a couple of years ago and then they went bankrupt 5 months later. Then he managed to get an apprenticeship with a plumber who laid him off when the constuction contract was finished. He worked for another year as a waiter (parttime) until he managed to continue his plumbing apprenticeship with another plumber. He got that job 4 weeks ago. Then this weekend someone stole his work boots and he can't afford another pair (they have no credit)......trouble just seems to follow them around!

They were almost homeless (they lived in a campsite in a tent all summer 2 summers ago with 4 children under the age of 8).
Now they live in what is basically a shack, totally unfinished inside, no insulation, no water holding tank so they can't take a shower etc....no funiture.....

See why I feel sorry for them.

I guess things have gone so wrong for us too. But people have been kind to us even though we own our own home. We have had to use the food bank at times but when I do I think,well maybe I should just sell our home and live on the capital....but at least we have the option. But they have nothing......just a few short steps to homelessness.

Yes, I help them with non monetary means right now because we have no extra cash to give. But it does show how little dignity she has left to literally beg for money from someone who hasn't any (me). I guess she tries because I am still compasionate, when everyone else has turned their backs on them. Everyone is tired of helping them.

Yes, I pray........

**Mamawolf** · 07-06-2005, 12:57 AM

OMG, can I just say are you her mom??? She comes to you with her hand out? Does laundry in your DRYER when you don't? You are certainly much more patient than I. I certainly wouldn't allow them to continue. Why should they ever find a way to do it on their own when you are providing for them?? I'm not meaning to sound harsh because all that is so sweet of you, but I believe you've turned yourself into a welcome mat, and she knows it and is taking advantage of you. I few "poor me" words, and you are giving her what she wants. Reminds me of a kid using the sad eyes.

**hollyhill** · 07-06-2005, 01:32 AM

LOL, no I am not her Mom.
I just feel extreemly sorry for her and adnoyed at her....
Just like I do for those in the homeless shelters I sometime serve dinners to through our Church Ministry. Know what I mean?

But she certainly doesn't do all her laundry here I didn't mean to imply that. But sometimes she is so dead broke that she hasn't chang e to go to the laundromat and yet her littlest still sometimes pees in his bed. I mean it is so pittiful.
Yet she smokes! But I understand it is very difficult to stop.....

I am now unable to help monetarily but before I would Tithe at church and some of that tithe would be for the poor in underdeveloped nations. It doesn't seem right not to help the poor on our doorstep, even those who make poor discisions (like leaving personal valuables behind to be stolen/dumped)......

Thank-you for posting this has helped me to think thru some of my feelings.

**gkp1031** · 07-06-2005, 06:05 AM

I think you are a saint for helping her out, but it needs to stop. First of all, if you are barely getting by, then you shouldn't be handing money to her. And, if she can afford to smoke, then she needs to stop and put that money towards something else--quitting should be easy, considering she'd be doing it to help her family. Just my 2cents!

**Hollyhandi** · 07-06-2005, 08:22 AM

Hi Holly,
Guess I have to agree wih your DH on this one.
If they can find the money to smoke then they can find money for other stuff.
I quit smoking when times got real tough for us. It wasn't easy but I decided do I want cigarettes or do I want food for my family..
My family won every time. She needs to get her priorities in
order and she never will if you are there to keep enabling her.
You need to think of your kids and family first.
I help anyone I can and have but there is a time they have to stand on their own feet and grow up.
I hope your friend gets help but I think you've done enough.

Hollyhandi

**pita1213** · 07-06-2005, 08:51 AM

are there any assistance programs they qualify for? what about the food banks? some curches will help pay certain bills for a month or two. has she looked into that?
they need to start doing something to get out of their substandard living conditions before the authorities find out and put the kids in foster care.

**Michelle** · 07-06-2005, 09:02 AM

You are very sweet and compassionate to help her.

I think though that you need to put your family first as hard as that may be for you.

**PrairieRose** · 07-06-2005, 10:17 AM

I know from experience with family members that you have to let them find their own way. You can give them everything you have, and they'll take it. In a few days they'll be right where they are right now. You can give her your friendship, advice and pray with her and otherwise she has to do it on her own.