Please allow me to vent...You don't need to read

**RuthNY** · 11-26-2005, 02:36 PM

This is the 2nd Thanksgiving since being out of my ex's house. As you can imagine there have been a ton of adjustments being made by all.
Last year I just let things fall where they may. Kids (adult) felt sorry for Dad and spent the day with him and their SO's. They went out to eat with ex. I wasn't really part of it.
This year I talked to all and decided it was easiest to let the kids go out with their father and then go to their SOs families' for the rest of the day. BF & I went out to eat on our own with the understanding that I would cook for my family on Sunday. Then it got to be BF & I'll cook Sunday for both my kids and his kids. I'm really ok with this, even tho each others kids don't really know each other. Mind you I have been on vacation for two weeks and now I'll be cooking a huge dinner on the last day of that two weeks.
I later on Thursday found out that ex dissed the kids ( went out the night before, didn't feel up to going out) and Noone in my family spent ANY time together on Thanksgiving. DD was so mad, she said she would have rather eaten at my house on T'giving, she just felt bad about her dad being alone. Guess what...he CHOSE to be alone, no surprise to me.
I've been such a patsy in all this because I've felt guilty because I was the one to move out, but no more!I told DD I will be cooking next year ON Thanksgiving and I want something decided for what will be done on Christmas.
I'm really pretty mad about all of this. I won't vent to anyone in real life, which is why I'm venting here (sorry). GRRRR...

Sorry, and thanks for listening (if you did

)

**Darlene** · 11-26-2005, 02:41 PM

This family stuff sure is complicated sometimes. Big hug Ruth.

**Kimberlina** · 11-26-2005, 02:44 PM

We don't mind you venting here at all- you know that. We all do it.

I'm sorry the Thanksgiving plans for your family fell through. Hopefully next year the kids will remember this and make their plans a little differently. Unfortunately, some people are just self-centered and self-destructive, and there is nothing you can do to help them. I've done things (that I didn't really want to do) for people because I felt sorry for them, and it has NEVER turned out good.

Here is to a good Sunday with all the kids- I know you will make a wonderful, comfortable atmosphere for your family.

**RuthNY** · 11-26-2005, 02:45 PM

Thanks Darlene. I really can't believe I'm in this position. I was married for 27 years!
I didn't really post this to get hugs (even tho they are appreciated). I posted this so I could read it like someone else so that I could get perspective on this situation.
Thanks again, friend, for the understanding.

**Kimberlina** · 11-26-2005, 02:45 PM

That "never turned out good" should say "never turned out well."

Sigh.

**RuthNY** · 11-26-2005, 02:51 PM

Kimberly your kind words are appreciated in any order they come out.

**Early Bird** · 11-26-2005, 03:04 PM

Well, at least the kids are finding out his true colors -- and without you being the bad guy.

I think it's wise to make your Christmas plans NOW.

**2boysand1girl** · 11-26-2005, 08:02 PM

I think you handled it very well. Nice Job

**canadian gardener** · 11-26-2005, 08:20 PM

What EB said. Heheheheh nothing like people finding out his true colours. Time reveals ALL!!!

So you win.

And next year just calmly do your thing, on the days that is conveniant to you, and if they come they come, invite them, but leave it up to them.

Don't sweat it, or stress out over it.

If they continue to let their father hurt them, that is their problem.

You should just widen your eyes and look a bit surprised if they complain or try to draw you in, and gently remind them that they are ALWAYS welcome with you. As in you poor fool child you, of COURSE he did that (but don't say it)! Let them draw THAT conclusion themselves.

Try not to agree with or take sides with them against their dad, as sooner or later they will get over it but might remember your anger on their behalf and be miffed at you.

Just remind them in advance (and issuing the invite well ahead of their dad might be good too) and if they don't come don't fuss.

Time wounds all heels.

**Scattymum** · 11-27-2005, 04:06 AM

I agree with Margery

heres a ((hug)) for you

**daddys3chicks** · 11-27-2005, 07:43 AM

HUGS - family dynamics are no fun!

**Mom23boys** · 11-27-2005, 04:20 PM

**Missy** · 11-27-2005, 04:34 PM

I have nothing to add, the other ladies said it well. You're free to vent to us anytime, we're here for ya.

As a child that's been in this position myself (Parents were married 17 yrs, messy divorce, etc) ... I respect my mother moreso for hanging back and letting me learn on my own to see dad for what he really is. Of course she had hurt feelings and opinions, but she let me see for myself (mom and I had a close relationship anyhow) and because I learned it myself, i don't feel like i was tricked into "sides" or anything. Now i'd rather spend my holidays with her, and have her involved with our goings-on. No pressure no guilt.

hmmm, looks like i went off on my own little thing there. Can't remember my point...

Anyhow, we're here for ya, vent anytime.