A little advice appreciated here...

**catzz64** · 01-23-2006, 01:37 AM

I was uncertain which forum to post but finally opted here so please feel free to move me if you choose

My question is this, and mind you it is weighing very hard on me! My SO (we have been together for about 8 years now and have an 18 month old together) have been offered the opportunity to move 2000 miles accross country to stay with his parent in their home for as long as we need to (rent-free) to get on our feet and save up for our own home or what have you.

(a few facts) I am 40ish or so ish, have a 20 yr old dd 200 miles from me here in college (she says go), have an 11 yr old that would be leaving with me and taken away from his dad, but would have the ability to travel to see him as he wanted across country (have already discussed with his dad, not a huge issue there, son is a little apprehensive as any kid would be leaving friends and such). MY parents do not know, my grandmother is 92, in decent health, my mother in her 60's still works full time and takes care of her, as well as my dad who has failing emphysema. I don't know how long my dad will last. He has become one of my best friends over the past few years as we both have suffered disabling health problems.

The main reason I want to leave is because we have NO support when I have problems. My health issues will not get better if I don't take care of myself and get the help I need.

I guess what I am asking is have any of you had to actually leave parents that were ill to take care of themselves on one hand to take care or yourselves? I know they are going to want/need me but if I am not well myself I cannot take care of them. I can't even take care of my toddler on my own right now without help I don't know how they think I can take care of them in their dying days.
The other part is have you ever lived with family in order to help get ahead, and what pro's, con's did you find in doing so???? I'm curious to hear before actually signing up!

thanks to all for any input...I've had a rough ccouple of weeks!

**Pepper** · 01-23-2006, 02:14 AM

Cathi

Hi. My dh and I did live with his parents for about a year early on in our marriage. Our main reason for doing so was that dh had been laid off and we were only able to hold out for 4 months before our resources were totally depleted! Still to this day I do not know how we made it that long as we never had any savings. While we were there we were able to get caught up. Dh found a good job and we were able to financially put us back on our feet. This was not an easy time. Mainly just because we felt like failures for having to move back home with parents. Of course this was only the feeling in the moment! As I look back on it now, I thank god that dh's parents offered us the opportunity as we are better because of it!

I'm sorry to hear of your health problems. In my opinion, your health is the most important. I can only imagine how your feeling now with other family members ailing and questioning whether or not you should pack up and go! I've never been in that situation and I am sure it is going to be a tough decision.

You need to do whatever is in the best interest of your children. They need their mother! Of course, you should also consider the in-laws. Do you get along? Do they meddle too much (for your liking)? There are tons of questions you should ask yourself in that situation.

I'm sure I haven't been the greatest help but just wanted to let you know that I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts as you make this decision!!

Chey

guest7 · 01-23-2006, 08:03 AM

You need to think about your own health first. Texas will be a very healing environment for you. The east coast is rough.

LISTEN UP: Underage children NEED the parent...Parents don't need adult children... grandparents don't need the grandchildren. There are resources for the elderly. You are NOT abandoning them because you are NOT responsible for your parents. You ARE responsible for your children!

It'll be a tough move for the 11 yr old, initially. but kids are resilient and parents move across country all the time.. kids are fine. Besides 11 yo can come back to the east coast to visit with dad, family and friends. It's a nice vacation for him. Your college dd is all set. don't worry about her.

I say move!! this is an opportunity for you and dh to grow together, relieve some of the stress, and stay in some nice weather, and finally- grow a relationship with the other family.

Your mother will take care of her husband.

He has emphysema... he must have smoked? .... I'm a little cruel here and this is my own personal thing- but my dad smoked-- got emphysema and I said to him "well- that's what you get for smoking!" Dad drinks alcohol and now has liver disease! "oh well! what'd ya expect?" Mom died of lung cancer... 'well she smoked cigarettes... let that be a lesson to her children and grandchildren" Not that I don't miss her.. I do, but you need to understand that you are NOT responsible for your parent's health. Move on and make your life better for your family. Where-ever that might be.
Either way, I know you'll make the right decision for your own situation.

**homesteadmamma** · 01-23-2006, 09:15 AM

No advice, just wanting to say hope your health improves soon.

**ironmaiden** · 01-23-2006, 09:20 AM

Tough questions. How long do your think your dad has? I watched my father die of emphysema and lung cancer. And I'm truly glad that I was around. I was single at the time though and had no one and nothing else to worry about.

How long is this offer to live with them good for? I mean if your father only has a year left, could you postpone this for a while?

How much money do you think you could save? Would you end up buying a home near his parents or back here?

What would be your support system out there as it seems like you are getting help out here?

**FrugalMomof3** · 01-23-2006, 10:48 AM

Hi there!

First and foremost your health and responsibilities I would say is your top priority. I know you love your family dearly but you have to worry about you first.

While I've never been in that situation I know a few that have been, they were able to save money, put a down payment on a house with it and now they are doing great.

If I had the chance to do something like that (in your current situation) I would. While it may be a little rough the first couple weeks it will get better.

Whatever route you decide I wish you the best of luck!

~Tracy~

**Mamaw** · 01-23-2006, 05:49 PM

I would say that whatever will help your health the most should come first. Just be certain that which ever you decide actually will help you and not make it worse. If I were to live with my inlaws, the stress would be so high that any medical condition I had would become worse. KWIM? But if you have a better relationship than we do, by all means, go for it!

**pkellyc** · 01-23-2006, 09:08 PM

I have other reservations and have lived with family. How is his parent? How are you? Are you clean and the parent more relaxed? Or visa versa? Are you able to forgive easily? Is the parent? How is the parent with small children? Are you willing to be a guest for a long period of time? It is the parent's house after all.
I lived with my dad but I had the run of the house. I brought in my own things in and removed some of his. I did all of the cooking so food was never an issue. So I guess what I am asking is how well are your personalities matched? It did work out fine with my father but we were father and daughter. I worked around him and he worked around me. He forgave me and my family for any irritating things we did and we forgave him.

**i.m.cheap** · 01-23-2006, 10:50 PM

My opinion is that I would not do this to save on rent. Move into a small apartment if you have too. Does your SO have a job? How long would it take to find a job after the move? I would not give up my privacy to go live in anyone elses home, but that is just me. Home ownership is not the great thing that some perceive it to be. Owning and maintaining a home can be very expensive. There are first time home buyer programs to help if this is what you really want. Sometimes you need little or nothing down. Explore all of your options before making a 2,000 mile move.

**bamamomto4** · 01-24-2006, 12:39 AM

If you have health issues,that should be your number 1 priority right now. If its money issues and his parents have agreed to help you out,and this is your only choice,then I'd go.I hope you can make the right choice thats good for YOU!

Now,just to ramble a bit.I would pick up and move just about anywhere right now....all due to family issues. My dad just passed away,I'm not speaking with hardly ANY of my family.If I moved I would feel like I was getting away from it all.Maybe that sounds like I'd be running away from my probs and maybe I would be,but I am going SO nuts right now. I wish I could move out of state,if for nothing else but my sanity

Let us know what you decide

**FrugalMomof3** · 01-24-2006, 08:17 AM

I agree, home ownership is not what everyone perceives it to be, sometimes I wish I still rented as the bills just keep pilling up and I feel lost, like I am in a neverending story.

I wanted to buy a house so bad so we saved up so much money but now with having to pay your own heat, water, garbadge, sewer it's WAY more expensive then renting.

Weigh your options and your priorities, if you have no choice but to move then do it if it will help you keep your sanity.

~Tracy~

**catzz64** · 01-25-2006, 04:42 PM

Thank you everyone for your input! It has been tremendously helpful. I'm so not one to put myself first and I know me and my kids are priority one here! We've still got quite a bit of thinking here but we're pretty sure it's going to be a go (with a lot of preparation) I still haven't told my folks

I need the right time and words....

Scott and I are working at trying to make sure we have things lined up well there (him hopefully having a job to go to when we get there) and I'm checking out the schools. I told my ex so the 11-yr old is ok with it and all, and I think I'm ok...I just still have some medical tests that need to be completed here before we leave as well, so it will be a month or two I think.

I also want to really talk with the in-laws and set down some "house rules" so we know up front what is expected while we are there, that way there are no surprises or hard feelings or whatever...they are good ppl, I think we can make it work well if approached in the right light...

Again, thank you all

(but don't stop the prayers, I think I might be needing em!) LOL

**canadian gardener** · 01-25-2006, 09:12 PM

sending hugs, you got good advice, all the best. Tough decision but it looks like you are a sensible and thoughtful person.

all the best.

**foxxyroxie** · 01-28-2006, 06:50 AM

My only concern is that will the SO eventually become DH? If not, don't move. You will be giving up all of your life to him and he hasn't given anything up for you, in fact, he wants to move to make it EASIER on him!!

As long your relationship will benefit and grow from this, I say go for it!! Kids adapt easily to new schools and friends. You can still go back and visit your parents and your son can still go back and visit his dad.

I'll pray that God gives you the wisdom to make the right choice -- for you and your family.