Do you struggle with your own expectations of yourself being too high?

**Dedlered** · 02-08-2006, 05:03 PM

Primarily, I think that society plays a more dominant part in this. Let me ask you this... How long have people been "trying to keep up with the Jone's"? I think that some of the expectations of our self and our society hinge greatly on what the people we perceive to be the "it or in" crowd think or do.

Look at teenage girls and their wish to be "thin" "smart" "older looking" ~ This is all based on what society shows us, how they think a woman should look or act Thus pushing teenage girls expectations of themselves to be too high.

Society tells us that our children should be well rounded in order to succeed in life. We, as parents, push those expectations on our children so that they will be accepted into society, thus thrusting high expectations onto our children.

**Englishlady** · 02-08-2006, 05:04 PM

Hmmmm, maybe cultural maybe it depends on "where you are coming from" in the metaphorical sense too

I had a nice lady GP some years ago and I had been having( at that time) really bad tension headaches, and as she said to me " just because you *know* they are tension headaches won't make then go away"

Well, 'aint that the truth, these days I am less likely to be dissapointed with myself than I am with others, but then I get annoyed with MYSELF for reacting in that way, as if I can control any one else

does that make sense?
I read the book "City Dharma" by Arthur Jeon and whislt it was a bit er, "alternative" in some respects, the one good thing I got out of it was that "you can't control anyone else anymore than you can control the weather"..............he goes on to say that if we can get to grips with this then we can " let things go " and be more relaxed.( He does go into more detail than that of course!)
Does any of that make sense?

Ooh, I hope that doesn't make me sound smug! it's just that, the way my life has unfolded, I long ago realised that what others(strangers and maybe aquaintances) thought of me didn't matter, their opinion, was just that, THEIR opinion, NOT mine...............if I came out "wanting" or "lacking" ( according to them) then hey, ho, so be it.

To give any credance to the opinions of people who don't know YOU are or YOUR circumstances, is the road to madness

or at least discontent

I am not a competative person though,( never have been) so never felt the need to  "join" in such silliness as keeping up with the jones

**canadian gardener** · 02-08-2006, 05:30 PM

Oh English Lady you don't sound smug at all, very wise as a matter of fact.

Laura and Mojjo, those are some terrific insights!

it may have a lot to do with gender and the expectations of society. women do seem more prone to be troubled by such things. Boys just go ahead and do what they want, and ask forgiveness later while girls ponder the consequences and are often frozen into fearful immobility.

Lately I've been thinking about how language and the culture we are born into affect our whole world view, our view of life if you will.

Stuff like this, it's part of the background noise in our lives, and we don't see it, till we focus in, and then suddenly we see how our expectations sometimes set us up for failure and disappointment with ourselves.

Or that fearful immobility, afraid to choose or do something in case it won't turn out to be right.

One of the things I've been teaching my bible study as we study Romans is this concept of Grace, that God loves you and understands you won't be perfect and makes up for that gap and supplies perfection for you thru Christ. (non Christians just plug ears and hum tunes)

The biggest thing where I've seen faces light up and invisible burdens roll off is the concept that God won't get mad if you make mistakes, that mistakes are in fact God's little learning opportunities in our lives.

Or as IKEA put it in one of their catalogs quoting somebody else, "Mistakes are the priviledge of the active person!"

I've been doing a lot of thinking on the things that make up how we see life lately and how it affects the choices we make in life, where we go, how much we accomplish, whether we view life as fun or satisfying or as if waiting for the cosmic shoe to drop and the present happiness to shatter.

Philosophy R us today

**homesteadmamma** · 02-08-2006, 05:45 PM

This is a really interesting topic. My expectations for my kids are a whole lot different than societies. All 3 of our youngest kids have special needs and by placing high expectations on what they could achieve, they've achieved most of them and even more than what I or society expected. Is that wrong? I don't think so and because we put such high expectations on them, they will live normal lives.

Society does tell us our kids need to be well rounded in education, in sports, etc. etc. As parents we have choices has to whether we want to listen to what society says. We can put expectations on them, however we need to be very careful in how we do that I think, because if we don't the pressure they will then put on themselves will be with them throughout their lives kwim.

As to keeping up with the Jones, again society does put pressure on us to do so. Whether we choose to follow the Jones or not is our choice and I'm glad I don't follow them. I think there is nothing more ludicrous that to try to keep up with the Jones. We won't ever achieve it and it's senseless to even try.

I personally think we need to look at expectations differently and we need to begin to learn that we won't ever be perfect, no matter how hard we try. We can set standards we'd like to achieve, whether it's a better Bible teacher, a better parent, a better person, etc and work towards achieving those standards. However, I'd like to think that if I fail it's okay. Does that make sense. Thats why I've never set such high expectations that I can't reach them, because I know how dibilitating it would become for me if I continually failed.

**thrifty gal** · 02-08-2006, 06:39 PM

I struggle with high expectations of myself. A lot. I keep wanting to be the best I can be in so many areas, and it really gets hard sometimes.

**canadian gardener** · 02-08-2006, 06:46 PM

that is a good point CJ

Without goals we don't go anywhere. And coaches and parents are good at coaxing acheivement out of kids and athletes as a result. Achievement that on their own, the kid or athlete might never gain.

I was thinking, maybe it's the difference between goals, and standards.

Standards are what we use to tell us when we have arrived, when it's good enough, when it's ok to quit, pass or fail, that kind of thing.

Standards might vary though. The standard a neurosurgeon or a nurse might have on the job might be very close to perfect. Hitting perfect most of the time and within nearly perfect all the time.

Standard for my kids cleaning their room might be lower. I may accept a loosely pulled together nest, that has the laundry picked up, no garbage on the floor but fall seriously short of Canadian House and Home pictures.

Goals need to be high. Sometimes perfection as a goal may get us moving, but sometimes it might paralyze us with fear.

That is where it's helpful for a parent or coach to come along side the kid as I did with dd and help them figure out their goals. Dd wasn't accepting anything below 95% on her math tests, and less than that she considered a fail.

We had to lower that standard. It wasn't a good standard of performance. I think we settled on 75% which was much more reasonable. Her goal was perfection, but most days as long as she hit her standard, life was good and she could relax.

A child like ds on the other hand considered that I ought to be happy with a sentence a day when I knew he could crank out a page a day. Grade ten.

I didn't let him rest, and I demanded higher.

He thanked me later.

but it's hard sometimes to know when it's us, ourselves when to quit, when to say, hmmmm done enough, good enough and when to keep trying.

**Nath.** · 02-08-2006, 07:33 PM

I have high expectation of myself in some field in my life, but not about everything in my life. (Does that make sense

)

Example: In my sport (bodybuilding), I have very high expectation of myself and I'm very hard on my body and mind.

When getting ready for a show, I will never accept that I miss one training, that I cheat once in my diet or that I miss one cardio session, NEVER. Even if I'm dead tired or sick. Even if I have to wake up at 4hAM to book everything. And family is aware of this. Offseason (when not prepping for a show), it is different, I slack off a bit, cut the cardio, and enjoy more time with the kids and DH.

But for the rest of my life....I'm pretty much average LOL.

I won't go nut if the house is not spic&span. And I'm not the best employee in the world, but not the worst either....I'm average....I do my 8 to 5 and that's it.

With the kids, I don't push thems like some parents do. As long as they do their best, I'm satisfied.
Same with DH, I don't mind if he doesn't workout or a tad overweight...I only wish he did a bit more cardio to keep his heart healthy....I want to grow old at his side.

Nath

**homesteadmamma** · 02-08-2006, 07:39 PM

Margery, I think goals and expectations are totally different. A goal for me is paying off our van. An high expectation is thinking I'll lose all my weight and be down to a size 8 again. (It ain't going to happen. Yes I might lose all the weight I want to lose, however a size 8 is unrealistic.)

I wonder why we set such high expectations on ourselves and in doing so, set ourselves up for failure. I wonder if that isn't why so many get so discouraged and depression sets in, kwim?

**canadian gardener** · 02-09-2006, 02:26 AM

yup. Expectations set too high definitely have me beating myself up on the inside at times.

As karen said, knowing the problem and being able to do something to fix it, are two different things.

When I become aware that I'm doing it, I try to put a cork in my inner critic.

Nath is onto something too, that we have different expectations of ourselves in different areas.

for example when I worked as an RN, I went to work with a very high standard. LOL I think it went and spilled over into my germ phobias a bit. And yes I am into a bit of overkill.

It's just been my particular life experiance, and feeling the guilt if my asthmatic kids get sick or I do, and I look around, if the house is up to the standard I tell myself it's OK, I couldn't have prevented it. But if I sluffed off on the dust control, I tend to think, dang, it's my own fault for not doing what I could.

But for some reason, relaxing the whole perfection thing seems to be hard in the minor stuff of life.

I just remember the feeling of freedom and joy that washed over me when I applied that knowledge to how I clean my floor.

If I missed a spot, I decided who cares, or if a hair got immortalized in shiny splendor in the wax, who cares. I'll get the spot next time, and the hair, well it's going to wear down and pull out of the wax eventually.

I love the quilt that you allowed a mistake in Valerie. That reminds me of a Jewish and a similar Mennonite custom I heard of. Because only God is perfect both these groups purposefully leave part of the house unfinished, or in the Mennonite tradition, they make a purposeful tiny mistake. Other groups do that too.

And Nada you are right, it does definitely affect weight issues. How society expects us to look and weigh, and that isn't always reasonable or healthy.

**Dedlered** · 02-09-2006, 10:09 AM

It's always a great feeling to me when I realize that there can be areas in my life that are good enough for me.

I am not settling for mediocracy, I am just comfortable in my own space.

Great topic!! One that really helps me to realize that it's okay to be me.

**homesteadmamma** · 02-09-2006, 10:31 AM

Originally posted by Dedlered
It's always a great feeling to me when I realize that there can be areas in my life that are good enough for me.

I am not settling for mediocracy, I am just comfortable in my own space.

Great topic!! One that really helps me to realize that it's okay to be me.

Laura - BINGO!!!! I love that it's okay to be me. You hit it bang on.

It's okay to have areas in our lives that are good enough for us. It's wonderful to be comfortable in our own space, even when it doesn't meet other's expectations. It's okay to not be perfect in all areas of our lives!!!! Maybe we have the word expectations and perfection all mixed up.

**Michele Annette** · 02-10-2006, 02:43 PM

I have high expectations of myself in many of areas of my life. This is troublesome at times because I tend to burn out quickly. I'm learning though. I have given up gourmet cooking on a regular basis for a healthier lifestyle. I have given up a spotless home for more career building opportunities. But I'm still a freak about certain things being clean in my home. I realize that I can only do and focus on so much and the rest is just fluff.

**sarathom** · 02-10-2006, 03:05 PM

I used to put very very high expectations on myself...that probably was why I had to deal with (and recovered from) bulimia! And I was a fitness instructor, fitness appraiser, weight training instructor and the fitness & health coordinator at the facility I worked at....hmmmm....a bit hypocritical of me to preach healthy living and yet I was dealing with my illness!

But now, I have found moderation and balance. I have allowed myself to enjoy life and relax. And although I encourage my children in all aspects of their lives, I don't push them to achieve, achieve, achieve! They are slowly developing the areas of their lives which are their strengths and I encourage them to follow those paths. My kids are very stress free and love life. I had a lot of pressure put on me in my childhood to be the best....to be perfect!

I must say that our lives are very fun. My dh, myself and our kids live a quiet relaxing, laid back life but still accomplish a lot! Works for me!

**Telephus44** · 02-11-2006, 05:22 PM

I find that only recently have I started to relax some of the higher expectations - I truly have come to believe that they aren't mine, but they are set upon me (and not necessarily by my parents). I went to a private high school and a prestigious college, and I am very intelligent, but whenever I go to re-unions or so I always feel guilty that I haven't published a book, or fed a small village in Africa, or made partner at a law firm - that instead I'm just poking along, wasting my education. I've always felt kind of guilty over that.

This year, I landed my dream job (ok, it was a job I had held before, was laid off, and got it back - that's how I know its my dream job) and I took a good long hard look at what I really wanted to do with my future. And its not anything really grandiose - nothing I would be able to brag about at a re-union - but its something I want to do for me. So I've been trying to let go of the high expectations that were set on me. I have instead been trying to follow my own personal goals - which have nothing to do with my formal education. I'm finally learning to be comfortable with that, although I'm not completely there yet.

I've also been following the Flylady idea that "perfect" is a dirty word - and I try not to think if anything I'm doing is perfect. It is ok to make a typo, or leave a dirty spot on the floor after mopping, or not park the car dead even between the lines. I just have to get it "good enough" and it will work.