Do you struggle with your own expectations of yourself being too high?

**canadian gardener** · 02-08-2006, 02:06 PM

So I was teaching the ladies bible study yesterday and it came up again.

We started to talk about our own expectations of ourselves. Kind of like the bar is perfection and anything less than perfect just doesn't cut it, so we end up feeling like failures.

In christian terms that is often the whole Law versus Grace issue.

And I wondered how that is so wide spread.

So many people expect so much of themselves and others.

I rememberd a mother on Dr Phil. She honestly deeply loved her kids, but she was driving them nuts to be perfect at sports.

she wasn't perfect at sports, never had been, neither was her husband and neither of them were coaches or understood sports pschology, and how and when to bring out the best.

With all the best intentions, she was driving her kids on and on. When they acheived one goal, it was like yeah ok, now here is your next goal.

He actually had a bunch like that including some stage mums.

BUT it CAN'T BE JUST MOTHERS that do that to us. Or dads.

I think there is something inside us that gets a bit gibbled.

Striving for better performance is great. But somewhere along the line we sometimes get confused and aim for perfect and are disappointed in ourselves.

I dealt with that in dd when she came home to homeschool. Somehow she set her pass fail bar at 95%.

I never honestly NEVER set her up for that, and neither did George. Our other child, our son, didn't have that in him.

But it took several years to get her to lower her standards and be more realistic.

AND then there is the business of rewards and time off.

I remember seeing this in homeschooling quite a lot.

Some kid would do well on a test and what is the reward? Time off? A chance to rest on the laurels a moment? NOPE we are in some kind of race to get thru the book, so the reward for work done, is

MORE WORK!!!!!!

How long will kid's put up with that before deciding it's too much?

Today on Cityline TV they were talking about Valentines Day and husbands who make an effort to bring something home but it's the "wrong thing" or it's NOT PERFECT or he didn't put enough thought into it.

The men on the panel both said that for typical guys it won't take too long before they just stop trying to please their perfectionist girlfriend or wife and just go it alone or do what they want and forget the nice stuff and just put up with the complaining and whining.

Perfect is such an unreachable goal.

I'm thinking we need to have more stops along life's journey, not just to smell the roses but to enjoy our own accomplishments, and time to appreciate the work that others put into our lives, and focus on the things done well

rather than the things yet to be done, or the things that we think should have been done differently.

Seems like life would go much easier and smoother.

But WHY IS THIS SO HARD for us to do?

LOL just talking and wondering out loud.

Any thoughts?????

PS I've had some wonderful people thank me for my efforts along the way, and that does make me enjoy my life more, and try even harder to bring joy to others.

That attitude of gratitude goes a long way to easing life, and making it a happy pleasant journey.

(and thanks to certain village people who have been kind and gracious to me along the way, putting up with my little oddnesses and hobbyhorses, you are a terrific bunch)

**Dedlered** · 02-08-2006, 02:11 PM

In my opinion, it is society in general that pushes us to keep unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others.

These expectations could almost go hand in hand with the other topic that was started here, the bare minimum. Some people's expecations of themselves and their home environment are based upon what other people will think.

Please bear in mind, this is only my opinion and in no way shape or form is it intended to disrespect anyone.

**homesteadmamma** · 02-08-2006, 02:17 PM

No I really don't, not for myself. I just take life as it comes. I've learned over the years to really know myself and know what I can expect of me.

I do struggle at times though with putting too high expectations on the kids and dh. Now there is a whole other thread Margery.

**canadian gardener** · 02-08-2006, 02:29 PM

LOL CJ, not starting any new threads today, heheheh, THAT WOULD be ABOVE my bare minimum!

Laura seriously you are onto something. I hadn't thought of it in relation to the bare minimum but you are right.

I was still thinking about this, and I was thinking about how I like to write, but don't want to bother writing a book.

I love to just think out loud with the keyboard, and talk about stuff I like to discuss and that for me is the joy of writing.

Everytime I start a book, it takes the joy out.

Now why on earth don't I just stop there, take a deep breath and quit telling myself that because I like writing, and I do a lot of it, that there has to be a book in there somewhere.

Instead, I would like to remain content doing what I'm doing till I feel the joy grabbing me and pulling me into writing a book, and then I think I'd be ok with book writing.

Till then, I love just piddling around with my keyboard nattering away.

**missymomof3** · 02-08-2006, 02:42 PM

I think I have the higher expectations of myself than of anyone else. I am not sure why.

**Nada.Leona** · 02-08-2006, 02:55 PM

I was thinking about this the other day.

It's the same reason why so many women get so fed up with weight loss. We're human women, with human bones, and human breasts and human appetites and we're expected to fit into Jennifer Aniston's size -2 $400 capri jeans. Jennifer Aniston is human... just a different body. Same as my body is different from yours, from hers, and hers, and hers *points at random women reading the post*. It makes me angry to think of how we try to force ourselves into this cute little box.

**dcompton** · 02-08-2006, 03:01 PM

I have a wonderful friend who reminds me from time to time of what we call the Philosophy of Good Enough. I needed such a reminder a few days ago. Some things don't qualify for it, of course -- I would hate to think my neurosurgeon was acting on it professionally! But for large chucks of our life and the daily grind stuff we have to do, good enough really is good enough. It is easy to start obsessing over details and little things that really don't matter so much. This is not to praise mediocrity, but just to keep priorities straight. I am very grateful for having such a sensible, grounded friend for these reminders. And just to keep it even, I get to remind her once in a while too!

Donna

**QuilterMom** · 02-08-2006, 03:02 PM

I don't struggle with high expectations of myself, but with high expectations of other people (especially Christians - i.e. the people I go to church with and those in leadership positions in the church).

**leeleeaub** · 02-08-2006, 03:10 PM

I would say I do for sure. Mainly about weight and the flab around my stomache from losing so much weight so fast. I feel my body is gross. I watch women on t.v. and in movies and envy their bodies.

**Valerie in WA** · 02-08-2006, 03:25 PM

I do in some areas and not so much in others.

First example: I'm working on Becca's quilt. When I got to the point of stitching the blocks together I discovered that the appliqued flowers don't match up evenly. A flaw. But I let it go. In fact, three days later, I'm not even noticing it anymore. This is by far the most complex quilt I've ever done. It's a FABULOUS pattern. By little girl is likely to notice the assymetry, but if she does, I sure hope I've raised her to love the work I've put into the quilt more than she loves the appearance of it.

Second example: I do have very high standards for my own behavior. My Redeemer is so wonderful, so good and so perfect. He is my example of appropriate behavior. Is that a high bar? Absolutely! But, OTOH, my obedience is much smaller of a gift to Him than His life is a gift to me.

**canadian gardener** · 02-08-2006, 04:15 PM

welcome to dcompton by the way, Donna I love what you said about your friend's philosophy of GOOD ENOUGH!

LOL nope, not with the neurosurgeon, but a lot of life's things are fine with good enough.

I always think of that old Pareto principle, the 80 20 rule that I talk about so much.

80% of the benefit of most things comes from the first 20% of effort.

In order to reach 100% perfect or close to it, we would need to put out the remaining 80% effort!!!!! for the remaining measly 20% gain.

Just not worth it.

**guest32** · 02-08-2006, 04:16 PM

This is me. The queen of *what I think other's expect of me* It's never enough....

Medication helps
Thereapy helps
A good dh helps

But alas....some things never change.

**canadian gardener** · 02-08-2006, 04:35 PM

I struggle with that too, I go into the Bible study that I lead always thinking someone else would do it better, or that I'll get lost in a rabbit trail of a distraction (happens with me a lot-- ADD woman teaches Bible-- focus gone, very interesting rabbit trails, not sure if much actually gets accomplished but everybody sure enjoys the ride)

or I'll forget what I'm talking about mid sentence (the old ladies love it when that happens!)

or that I might accidently hurt someone's feelings or offend someone.

and no matter how much others reassure me it's like I'm always striving to meet some impossible goal.

but it's on the inside of me.

good enough

I'm learning the principle of good enough, I'm learning to let go my impossible expectations as I wobble thru life.

I'm learning that MOST of the time, 80% of the way to perfect is just fine, it's good enough, it's the finish line and it takes only 20% of the effort.

**canadian gardener** · 02-08-2006, 04:45 PM

anybody wonder if this is cultural?

**Mojjo** · 02-08-2006, 04:50 PM

I think it definately has something to do with gender. And I know my parents expected a lot of me...more than I hope I expect of my boys.

I think we translate our accomplishments with benefiting our families and loved ones. If we are perfect, or accomplish certain things than others benefit. The more you accomplish therefore the happier they are. This is where our logic is tragically flawed and where I am trying to change my own behavior.