Children ~ Goals and/or Expectations

**Dedlered** · 02-09-2006, 11:18 AM

Margery's thread on expectations got me thinking...

Where do we draw the line on goals/expectations for our children.. How do we teach them that it is okay to be themselves but still do their best.

I may be looking at this the wrong way and this may be a double edged sword for me but in my house, my ds (13 yo) is encouraged to do his best in everything that he does but... and this is where my expectations come in... when he does his chores, he rushes through them trying to get by on the bare minimum thus not living up to "my" expectations of what the finished chore should look like.

Mind you, every other thing he works at is done at or above expectations.

Am I looking at this the wrong way or are my expectations/standards set too high?

**canadian gardener** · 02-09-2006, 01:45 PM

Might be, might not be.

I know with dd we had to help her lower her standards in school work, she was just setting herself up for daily drama and hysterics when she didn't reach her standard.

But housework, yeesh, that one I was always on her case.

On the other hand ds LOL well, you had to help him SEARCH OUT and SET a higher standard where it came to writing (his least favourite school subject). So we demanded of him. That was where the page a day rule came into play.

But he was super tidy and if I set him to do a job around the house it always had his extra little spit and polish added to it.

I guess my point is, that kids are different than each other, and from us.

What matters to them is different.

As long as your child is reaching for the stars in other areas, and not turning into a slacker then maybe it's ok to compromise and

I'd actually suggest you and your child sit down and hammer out an agreement about what constitutes a finished chore. What it looks like and put it in writing.

I can't remember if I did that with dd, but I vaguely recall thinking seriously about it.

I remember thinking about posting index cards in the inside of the medicine cabinet of the last house with a listing of what constituted a clean bathroom in the bath that she and her brother shared.

I never did go that far, but I remember thinking about it.

Didn't have to worry about him cleaning it, it was her.

Wanna know how they turned out?

He is a bit of a slob now. Leaves stuff lying around, and she is turning into a clean freak. TOO Funny!

**canadian gardener** · 02-09-2006, 02:00 PM

If you are growing an adult who works fast, and efficiently you may have succeeded already.

As long as you two get a compromise agreement that satisfies both of you as to what the standard of a completed chore looks like

(and that you might have to lower your standard, your kid might have to raise their idea but you can explain why you refuse to budge on say bleaching the toilet, while the chrome in the tub might be clean but not polished dry)--

but what looks terrific from where I sit, you have a child who doesn't waste a lot of time fiddling and daydreaming and making the dreaded chore last all day which was a problem for dd.

**Dedlered** · 02-09-2006, 02:03 PM

Great Insight Margery and I like the ideas of the cards in the bathroom as this is the worst area.... his bath is also the guest bathroom,

I will have to do a little more searching on this subject

**leeleeaub** · 02-10-2006, 01:53 AM

I do believe that each and every child should have different expectations. One child has more energy, another has more book sense, another is more crafty.
It is one thing to be lazy and another totally different to struggle to do something. They may not be good in one area but excel in another.
Maybe for the housework part make a list of jobs and sit down with your child and ask them which of those jobs they would choose to do.
As far as the school work goes, what I did with mine and it is by no means the "correct" way if there even is such a thing is: When they got home from school I would give them a snack and tell them as soon as they got done with their homework they could play, watch 1 hour of t.v., play video games or whatever they wanted to do within reason. If they had a test the next day I would tell them to study and then I would make them a practice test, if they did well on the practice test I knew they were prepared enough to be able to play.
Something that just popped into my head and I had a lot of other mothers doing this was for a spelling test I would have them write each word 3 times thinking about the word as they wrote it.
Then I would call out the words and have them write them. My son that was not doing well in spelling started making 100's on his tests once I began doing this.
The best way to find out how to get your child to be better at anything is trial and error and remember that what works for one child might not work for another.