Am I crazy to think of doing this?

**my4littlebuffaloes** · 03-05-2006, 04:26 PM

My grandfather is dying. He has been battling cancer for a few years now and right before Christmas they totally screwed up his chemo treatment and he has been going down hill fast. He has been in and out of the hospital ever since. He is home now and is refusing any medical care or even hospice. He also is not eating. So it won't be long.

He is in SC and I am in CO - a SAHM with 4 kids. I have not seen my grandfather in over 5 years and he has only met 2 of my kids. I am thinking of flying out on friday and spending the weekend with him. Also maybe taking my oldest and my youngest (she would fly free). It will cost $1200 for plane, hotel and car. Would you do it?

Jennifer

**Cele** · 03-05-2006, 04:42 PM

I'm sorry to hear of your grandfather's illness.

I don't think the money matters, assuming you're not spending your mortgage or grocery money for the trip. You know that this is your last chance to see your grandfather, and $1200 is nothing compared to the guilt and sadness you might experience if you don't go.

I think you making the trip is an excellent idea. As for taking your children, it depends. Is your grandfather well enough to enjoy a weekend with small children in his home? Are you prepared to explain what is happening to him to your children? Are you prepared for your emotional response--and how will that affect your children?

I hope that others will give you additional ideas, and I wish the best in whatever you decide.

**Pepper** · 03-05-2006, 04:45 PM

Absolutely!!

Cele gave some good questions for you to think about concerning the children.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

**fernykins** · 03-05-2006, 04:53 PM

I would go..... I went from Ca to ND to visit my grandmother for her 92 Bday........ It was great... She was sick and had adult damenta...... We had to turn around and go again six weeks later for her furnera......
Fernl

**slowtypinwoman** · 03-05-2006, 05:07 PM

I would go without the chidren though.

**guest32** · 03-05-2006, 05:31 PM

I would go, and take lots of pictures of your children. If he is as bad as you say, he will not be in any condition to have small children around, and like stated....it will be very hard to explain it all to your children. I was 12 when my grandfather died of colon cancer in 1972...it was awful. We HAD to go to the hospital to visit him for the two years preceding his death...I always dreaded it. I still try to remember him the way he was before he got sick. At the end, it was just awful to see him like that.
I'm sorry about your grandfatehr, but I think you should visit him. I know he would appreciate it and probably like to see you too.

**Valerie in WA** · 03-05-2006, 06:04 PM

I would probably go. You might consider using taxis rather than renting a car. If it was cheaper.

I would also contact a local hospice and ask about the services they provide and then I would talk with him about it. Hospice is not about prolonging life; it's about making the remaining days comfortable. I wonder if your grandfather understands that. Hospice care may be as little as providing support and education to his wife (if he has one) or as much as putting in IVs for pain medicine, and anything in between, such as help with bathing. It is up to the PATIENT to decide what care is desired.

**3-boys-4-me** · 03-05-2006, 06:14 PM

I say if you have the funds to go, then most definatly go. But I agree with others above, I don't think I would take the children. Take tons of pictures of them though, and let him know everyone at home is thinking of him. I am sorry to hear he isn't doing well. Take advantage of this opportunity to see him, you don't want to have any regrets.

**frugalbutterfly** · 03-05-2006, 07:37 PM

I think I would go. However, having has lost a child to cancer myself, seeing my aunt die, a horrible death from melonma, and my dnanny with a massive stroke, I don't think I would take the kids. I would want them to have good memories of that person and not the permant of seeing them like that. We limited the kids with Angie, just did not seem right for them to have those memories. Well, they where very little, Andrew was only 18 months so, he was always here. Chris was 3 1/2 and Johnathan was 5. They stayed more with my parents, I was also pregnant and very high risk so, yes, we needed tons of help with Angie and the kids. Well, my dss was 12 at the time and he would see her daily off for the month Angie was home until she went on. He would see her everyday, we just did not want them around when it happened, as you don't know when or how it will go. He would stay the night a few times with us but, when it was obviously close we kept them away just to protect them. My dp's kept the kids, except AJ. Angie did not have to "taste" the pain of death though so, it would not have been as "negative".
Well, with dnanny, she was in SC also with my daunt and the weekend she would have been comming home, she had a massive stroke(s). Well, I did take Johnathan. He was 10. Sarah and dnanny where very, very close and I thought of taking her but, decided not to put her through that. Johnathan being older and having been through his sister dying, I chose to take only him. We talked alot about it before he went to see her, I gave him the choose, he did not have to go in to see her. He did fine, at the time it was not known she would die but, was still hooked up to all the machines and such. We talked after that alot too. I wanted to make sure he was ok with it. Dnanny was ok at the time, still just confused, etc and I did not take him the next 2 times we went up to SC to see her.

With my daunt, it was a very horrific death she went through and it would have been very detrimental for kids to see that. My dcousin, Lindsey, lived near by and see her alot anyway so, she seen her, Lindsey was I think 12. She was uncomfortable with seeing her like that. I feel it was not the best idea for her to be there but, I am not responsible for her well being, per say.

Now, me, well when I was in the hospital and on life support, and yes, it was though and said and according to all the drs I had at the time, I was going to die, no way around it. So, my dfamily, felt my dchildren should have been able to tell their dmommy good-by. Now, the kids where, oldest, he came to see me, 18, Johnathan was 11, Chris was 9, AJ was 7 and Sarah was 5. Everyone involved felt the kids should see me, including all the medical staff I had, which drs alone over 10 except, for DH. He was thought of being terrible to not let the dkids tell dmommy, good-bye. I was given last rights and blessing of peace with "death", that bad it was! Well, gee, that would have been very, very horrific for them and those would be lifetime memories, I was hooked up to the respirater, IV's from head to toe, litterally, all kinds of pumps machines, bumps and massive bruises, I was very badly damaged and my body showed how bad it was for me "internally", I was swollen all over so, much so, my rings would not even fit on my pinky, I had needles and plugs everywhere and apparently it was very shocking to even the drs to see me like that. Well, DH said nope, not letting them see me like that, why have a lasting last memory of someone you love looking so "sick". I was in really an unbeleivable amount of pain even being on diprovan(to keep me in the coma) and all the other garbage they had me on. They did not see me until, I eventually came out of the coma and was out of ICU, too scary for them. I seen them everyday when I was transferred to the rehab. Now after the surgery at Shands and the amount of pain I was in, again DH would not have brought them to see me like that, which where we over 4 hours away there anyway.
Now, someone with cancer you can bet, it would be just as bad even with meds.
Even, if they where not "close" to someone and you take them to see what "death" is, that is going to scare most children. SOme people would take them just to say good-bye and this is part of life, well death yes it is, but do they have to see what someone is going through dying in pain or the sickness is viewable to the eyes??
So, in my experience with yes, being a part of death and dying, I would not take the kids and put them through that. It woudl be hard on any kid, let them be a kid, they don't "need" the exposure to so much, they will get to that point in life but, why now?
SO, even if it is not as bad as mine was with all the machines, IV's, pumps, etc, it is not likely to be a happy, pretty peaceful sight, they should be given the oppurtonity to have wonderful, happy, memories of love they have for the person. Now, if it was an "easier" one(of which, I can't think of any death experience being an "easy" painless one), then take them.

He still shoudl have hospice though. I think people sometimes don't have the right "vision" of what hospice is They are there to try to help a loved one go in "peace" and dignity. I know we had it for Angie of course we had to have someone here, had she fallen out of bed or something happened, I would not have been able to help her. We did most of the work though. They where here more for someone for Angie to hang out with if I had to rest or kids needed to go to dr. or whatever. They helped change her bedding, feed her, play with her, bathe her, etc, things I could not do for her. The day we did get round the clock care, at 12:04 am, Angie died, comfortably with someone she was ok with. She wanted us near but, don't think she wanted us right there, KWIM, only night Andrew has slept through the night to this day at 9 years old.
My daunt had hospice but ddad and I went up to SC to be with my ddad's dfamily and help. Well, we did most of the care, they came in everyday to check on how she was, ran some tests, etc., so, it is the dfamily that does most of the care. Is it he is just not really excepting he is going or he is that scared(I promise and can testify, I have been there myself and it is beautiful and not scary and you are with loved ones), or is it he thinks they will keep him longer or not take proper care like dfamily would? There could by many reasons why he does not want them involved but, I would question why and help figure out what can be done. Hospice is there to help!

Oh, and even taking a small child or baby, I would be very careful with They know when something is going on, they scence it When Angie was diagnosed Andrew got very emotional and yet he was only 3 weeks old, he always had to have either myself or dh is his view and wanted comfort the whole time, they know just being little and unable to take or word or understand things does not mean they don't. Alot of people will say no they don't know but, oh yes they do They feel the same emotions us adults feel just not able to get it our other then cry or want held, etc(more then they "normally" would).
We rented a van to go up to SC to see dnanny 3 times, most of the dfamily from FL went the first and I think 2nd time. Of course my dparents paid for all of it though. We rented for about for or 5 days each time, I think was less then $400 each time. That is comming from FL maybe like 600 miles from here, not sure what it is from where you are or where you are going. I think we got the unlimited miles or something. I called all over to get the best rate for rental each time. We stayed with dfamily everytime. My daunt and ducle have lie a 6000sq ft home so, we there was lots of room you might say. WIth my ddad's dsister, we stayed with his dmom and then my dcousin and I stayed with other relatives.
Is there any family you might stay with?
I would go but, I would leave the kids or if you take them, I woudl try to get it so, you can go see him and not take them.
If, he refuses to do hospice, how about, church? They might be willing to come help or at least bring foods so, your dfamily can focus on his care and not worry about food.
Lots of hugs to you!

**frugalbutterfly** · 03-05-2006, 07:38 PM

Woah, I did not realize that was so long, sorry

**pita1213** · 03-05-2006, 07:45 PM

how old is your oldest child? i think if they were junior high or high school age i would consider taking him/her if he/she was comfortable with seeing grandpa the way he is.
dh lost his grandfather this summer. he had been battling lung cancer. he did a couple of rounds of chemo and then got sick of teh side affects and in typical grandpa fashion, told teh doc to shove it.
hospice care is a wonderful thing and helped grandpa and grams through the most difficult time in their marriage. like someone else said it is not about prolonging life, but about making those final days as comfortable as possible. the nurses helped ease his pain as well as help gram take care of some things she couldn't do herself. even if a hospice nurse doesn't come to help your grandpa, they still could be a good resource if greif counceling is needed for anyone in teh family.

**Mom23boys** · 03-05-2006, 07:54 PM

I would definately go. As for as the children are concerned, I would do what you think is best for them.

**pkellyc** · 03-05-2006, 08:57 PM

I lived with and took care of my father until his death from cancer. He wanted to die in is home and we made that possible. My father did not have the need for hospice not everyone does. When they did come in they read to him and did try to comfort him. They were strangers and he was a very private man, he did not need them. He was surrounded by all 5 of his children their spouses and 13 grandchildren all of whom he dearly loved.

He could not take chemo it made him deathly ill. He did have blood transfusions and they worked at first but in the end they too had no effect at all.

As far as our kids go they were there. My father lived 7 years with a cancer that should have killed him in two. We would bring him to UCONN which is a medical learning/ teaching/hospital so they could run tests on him to see exactly why he was living so long. The doctors would frequently ask us what we thought. We believe he stayed with us for as long as he did because of all the grandchildren. They made him mad, they made him laugh, they made him tired, they made him smile, they made him love, they made him want to live.

So I say bring your kids if he wants to see them. It's not like they never seen anyone sick before. Our kids have nothing but wonderful memories of their grandfather. They do remember him being sick but they remember the man more. They were young between the ages of newborn to 15 years old his granchildren. My dd's were 9 and 7 at the time. They lived with him and watched him get sick. In our house death is just and extension of life and he was just getting ready to start a new one. We mourned him, we all miss him, but we were there for him. But as far as the kids go, traumatized from seeing him sick? Not one of them.

guest7 · 03-06-2006, 06:35 AM

I am so sorry your grandfather is suffering. I am glad the family has accepted his decision and right to refuse medical care. I KNOW that is so hard!!

I would highly recommend going. Please go.

But, depending on the age of the children. Small children or immature children might not be capable of understanding and might be a ruccus in the house. That is hard for any to say. there are lots of suggestions here.

However, I am still angry that my late great mom would NOT allow me to see my late greatest Memere before she died. Just wanted to say goodbye. I was 25!! Geez!

**MOMMYDEAREST** · 03-06-2006, 06:43 AM

sorry to hear about your grandfather if you can afford it, then go.!!!! i''m sure your grandfather will love to see you. that way you don't ever sit back & regret not going!!! good luck. keep us posted