What's a mother to do?

**guest32** · 03-07-2006, 05:14 PM

Sigh. This is such a long drawn out mess, but I'll try to make it short. Oldest dd married when she was 19, we were not thrilled, as her dh did not have a job at the time, and has not held a job longer than 6 months since then...this was 6 years ago. It has been a constant strain. They moved all the time (couldn't afford rent) and moved in with his parents twice. They have two little boys, 2 and 5....Her dh is currently working for his parents, as each time he lost a job, they gave him one at their business...then he would chase some $$$ dream, quit and try something else. They somehow bought a home with terrible credit and refinanced it last year...to the max. They have no insurance. Right now, her dh makes too much for them to qualify for medicaid, etc, but she constantly complains about them having no money, Dr. bills, etc, Meanwhile, they have cable internet, satelite TV, call waiting...all kinds of things they *could* cut out. They have been actively trying to have another baby? She makes no bones about this...they want more. Fine. But they seriously cannot afford it! She told her sister if they had more they would qualify for medicaid (for the kids, whatever it is called). Then I find out her dh is losing his job again. His parents are closing the business....and I found out today (from her sister) that she is, in fact pregnant again. She has had two miscarriages in the last two years which were really hard on her. And they *knew* her dh was going to be out of a job! I just DO NOT understand this way of thinking and find it terribly irresponsible! She was not raised like this...she was raised to work hard and do without till the money was there. I want to be happy for them...but it's like a train wreck! I know she has already spent their tax return...when she should have banked it for emergencies. But...alas, what's a mommy to do? It makes me sad....

**madhen** · 03-07-2006, 05:38 PM

My sister and her husband did something similar. They spent like there was no tomorrow, and always came running to my parents when emergencies came up, because they hadn't bothered to save anything. The biggest blow to my father was when they came crying about needing a second car and not being able to afford it. He GAVE them his truck, which he loved, and within a month, they had sold it for a down-payment on some larger, souped-up truck (which they crashed within a year.) The final straw came when my b-in-law quit his regular, good-paying job about two months after my sister announced she was pregnant. She then quit HER regular, good-paying job, because she wanted to stay home during the pregnancy. My b-in-law started his own business, and needless to say, the next couple of years were really rough. My mother moved in with them (my father died about a year after the truck incident), which almost caused a divorce, but which also probably kept them from losing their house and ending up on welfare. (Long story short, my mother ended up involuntarily donating about $45,000 to the cause.)

She is your daughter, but she is also an adult. I would maybe try sitting her down and having a serious financial heart-to-heart, but if she doesn't want to hear it, there isn't much more you can do.

Sometimes, all you can do with a train wreck is to try to stay out of the way of flying debris.

**FrugalMomof3** · 03-07-2006, 06:02 PM

Cathy,

Well all I can say is one day they will learn the hard way as WE have learned. God Bless you and your family.

I sure hope she realized what she is getting into, I mean I was married at 16, baby at 17 and baby2 at 19... I kept doing for my THEN husband even though he was doing the wrong things here and there I stuck by him, I had no choice but it seems to me like she DOES have a choice.

Just remember back when we were her age, how we knew everything, etc. and what our parents said to us went in one ear and out the other, even though WE know we weren't raised that way.

I guess after writing all this and thinking, was are they going to do now that her hubby can't run to his family for a job? How are they going to be able to pay their mortgage and their bills, I mean welfare helps but it doesn't pay for everything.

All I can say is God Bless!

**guest32** · 03-07-2006, 06:12 PM

Oh, I have tried to talk to her...her sister has tried....she just shrugs it off. She thinks we are picking on her and being mean. Part of the problem is she is really jealous of her sister who is 2 years younger than her. Dd 2 took a totally different path and it has worked out well for her....however, she has made HUGE sacrifies to get where she is. Yes, she has a nice sporty new car (cash) and is going to school (paid for completely by the GI bill) and has money to spend and just bought a house. Her SO has a very good govt. job he's been at for 12 years and makes good money. Together they make quite a chunk every month in NG drill pay (he's a capt, she's a sgt.) They also gave up everything they owned (sold) and went to Iraq for a year! They saved almost every penny they made over there and invested it. They deserve everything they have. They worked (and suffered) for it. Now dd1 whines to dd2 about money in hopes that she will fork it over....it drives me crazy! She is very generous, takes her sister to lunch, buys things for the boys, etc...but good grief! She finally told me "Mom...I didn't go over there and get shot at and blown up (her humvie was hit by an IED) so I could come home and make her life easier!"
Lots of flying debris......it's just painful to sit by and watch it happen. I spend a lot of time ducking and trying to stay out of the way.....

**FrugalMomof3** · 03-07-2006, 06:26 PM

I hear you! My children right now aren't old enough to get out on their own yet, but I already see one taking the right path and the other taking the wrong one. All I can do is try my best.

So you tried your best and unfortunately some have to learn the hard way.

BTW! congrats to the Dd 2, she has a good head on her shoulders!

**madhen** · 03-07-2006, 09:20 PM

You need to prepare yourself and your other daughter for the onslaught. My mother felt sorry for my sister, and ended up $45,000 poorer and literally kicked out to the curb for her efforts. People in that kind of a self-destructive spiral are as bad as drowning victims - they will grab onto you and drag you down with them.

I know she is your daughter, but please don't make the mistake my mother made. Some people will continue to use you as a crutch for as long as you are willing to let yourself be used, even if that means making your life miserable. And they don't like it much when you take that crutch away. Your daughter needs to learn a few hard lessons, and what better time than now, when she is still young enough to recover from her mistakes? It is just too bad that children are involved. All you can do is be a good grandmother to them and make sure they are fed and cared for, to the best of your ability, but other than that, I'd be getting under some Level V emotional cover right now.

guest7 · 03-07-2006, 09:50 PM

Madhen and Tracy- great advice!!
I'd stear clear of the path of destruction. Care and love the grandchildren- but by golly! Don't lend money to the adults. dd1 needs to learn about life. Your job is to make sure she gets it and I'm not talking about a loan. If she cries for money to buy baby diapers or food- just say sure- what kind of food/diapers do you want me to pick up, etc. That's what I always did when requests for money came this way. I got alot of "never minds".

my mother babied several of my brothers and once she died (2004), those brothers (age 30-37) thought they couldn't live without her. She forgot to teach them how to live! They became suicidal! I stepped up to the plate to help them through the grief and show them how to be self supporting. It's not easy- and I know my mom had a difficult time letting go of her babies. But she didn't do them any favors by not throwing them out of the nest.

my DH's daughter is much like you described. they don't have a pot to pee in and they're having another baby! They can't afford the 2 they have! she was always seeking money from DH- which he didn't mind- until he realized that she wasn't willing to cut back discretionary spending AND she planned another pregnancy. Haven't heard from her since DH said no to a request for money.

I plan to give my children a money manage book- or something from Dave Ramsey. Don't want my children to end up like hubby's children.

**guest32** · 03-07-2006, 10:14 PM

We never have and never will give them money. We made that perfectly clear from the get go. That's why they run to his parents....and quite frankly, it's that enabling that has gotten out of hand as it is. This daughter had a job in high school, had to buy her own first car, started college with our help. Then she met this guy....and seriously, it has been down hill since then. She quit school, and even quit her job abruptly because he wanted her to go away for a weekend with him! He has a GED, but has never held down a decent job for any length of time....even when she first met him! I just don't get it. He is always onto the next get rich quick scheme, and she constantly makes excuses for him.
I have no idea why they think more babies is going to solve this problem....and I can't stand the attitude that they think they deserve what everyone else has.
She hasn't told us yet about her dh losing his job...we had heard that they were closing the store in Oct....now she tells her sister it is April. She also has not told us about the pregnancy. It just seems unimaginable to me to *plan* a pregnancy when you know you're in for rougher times! She won't get a job because she says she doesn't want to be away from her kids. Yet, she complains constantly about being bored and the kids driving her crazy

I think there are a ton of underlying issues that are not being addressed, but I'm not sure how to approach them. One thing I know for sure.....her dh does not want her to work, or further her education (then she would have more education than him) I think there are some control issues that she's not facing, and can't admit to. I think he thinks the more babies they have, the more she'll be forced to stay at home. It's just a mess...
Thanks for letting me vent.
This weekend, me and both girls are planning a trip to my parents. She will be captive

with us for 5 hours in the car. I wish we could figure out a way to bring all this up and make her understand that we are concerned about her...not picking on her.

**madhen** · 03-07-2006, 10:26 PM

That's a tough one. One thing you mentioned, however, that might be getting in the way of you breaking through to her, is that you can't stand the attitude that she deserves what everyone else has. Maybe that emotion keeps you from discussing it with her in a way that doesn't put her on defensive? Because, in reality, she DOES deserve what everyone else has, but she has to do the things everyone else does to GET those things. She probably has just about all the same things as most women who act and spend the way that she does. If she wants more, she has to alter her behavior to mirror the behavior of those people she wants to emulate.

It is a long shot - I still say don the emotional kevlar, cut the tie line, and run - but I'm not a mother, and I've never been accused of being overly nurturing <g>, so maybe a five hour pep talk encouraging her to better her life, instead of telling her what she is doing wrong, might help. If she begs you for help, maybe you can offer to help by helping her work out a budget?

My sister is totally an emotional slave to her husband, and although his business is now up and running, he still has some really stupid, outdated and/or bigoted ideas that he fills her head with. I find that regular two- to three-hour lunches every couple of months, just her and me, where I actually let her speak her opinion and try my best to "educate" her on the ways of the world, seem to have really bolstered her self-esteem and her ability to think for herself. She still has a LONG way to go, but she is definitely better. Unfortunately, the biggest eye-opener and turning point for her was when she was diagnosed with cancer. It is amazing how being able to see the end of your days, and knowing they could end before your current calendar becomes obsolete, helps you understand the true definition of "value" and "riches" in your life.

Good luck, and let us know how that car trip works out!!

**midwestgal** · 03-08-2006, 01:25 AM

Great advice here. It's good you have the fortitude not to hand over money. It doesn't solve anything in the long run. My father tried that with two of my siblings, and it was just money down the drain. I and my sister received almost nothing, and we still have hard feelings about this. Parents should be very careful that they don't punish children who act like responsible adults and take care of their children! The squeaky wheel can get the grease and ireesponsibility is often rewarded.

**Darlene** · 03-08-2006, 07:49 AM

I'm sorry, I know it must hurt. I want you to know that you did your best & and that she's the one who chose to go this route.
Wish things were different. I'm sad for the children who are growing up with values and choices that aren't in their best interest.

Hope you can still be a positive light in their lives.