Need Mother in law advice

**frugalfarmwife** · 06-28-2006, 12:09 AM

This has been a long time coming and she's finally drove her son over the edge, the problem is her son (hubby) is to kind to put her in her place so she's ruining what little relationship they have left.

Bit of background, hubby and I have been together 15 years, we live an hour from his family and they NEVER visit us here on the farm. I'm the "bad horrible woman that stole her favorite son" (don't worry, I'm fine with her version of that).

It's gotten to the point that I have to REPEATEDLY tell hubby that he should call his mom and check in with her and catch up, for every three times I tell him he'll maybe call her once. Again, in her mind I'm the bad guy that stole him and I keep him from her. (If only she knew how hard I try to keep them in touch!)

Her last visit here (k, she stops in unannounced one or two times a year but none of the rest of the family) she and I got snappy with each other but she ask for it. I TOLD her I told him to call her on mothers day but he didn't call, her comment was "he needs to remember who's most important" I responded "and that *amn well better be ME"

She also tells me constantly that she'd take him back in a heartbeat, sigh.

After our storms the other day (and yes I KNOW she knew about them) I told him to call her and let her know we were ok and finally had power again. For 45 minutes all she did was WHINE at him! This time it was "we never see you, what are we going to do with you? You DO have nieces and a nephew you know, why don't you EVER come up" On and on and on and on. This poor man, he doesn't get upset, he doesn't yell, he just gets quiet, she really is pushing him away.

I try to make time for him to go visit her without me but can't get him to go.

We do go visit for Holidays but then we get the "oh, you do exist" routine. We really have nothing in common with his family but we try, and as I said I'm the least favorite and it's obvious but I never say a word.

I've just had ENOUGH and need to show/tell her in SOME way that she's driving her son away. I do NOT want him to lose his relationship with her but she's really pushing it.

I don't want to fight with her but it won't upset me if she does get mad at me.

He really loves his mom and grew up very young to take care of his family, by 15 he was helping with the bills and keeping his younger brothers in line, he gave up a LOT for the family when he was young and now wants a chance to make his own way and prove himself in life.

So, how would you approach her, and yes I AM going to do it, just working on the wording.

thanks in advance,
kj

**Darlene** · 06-28-2006, 07:04 AM

I think I'd stay out of it. Your hubby as an adult needs to deal with or not deal with his Mom. Your gentle reminders don't make him, neither does her whining.
Big hug, I know this must be frustrating.

**Jeanna** · 06-28-2006, 07:16 AM

I agree with Darlene about staying out of it. You'll never get her to believe that it is him. After all you are the bad guy in her mind. I don't think I would keep pressuring you husband either. Maybe if you didn't he might take it upon himself from time to time to call her and since it was his idea, maybe it would turn out a little different.

**kabin63** · 06-28-2006, 07:25 AM

frugalfarmwife,

I agree with the above comments. I made the mistake of trying to help my ex (yes, I was married once before) patch things up with his parents, took it upon myself to do exactly as you are talking of doing and it completely backfired on me. My ex was so mad at me because he had to smooth things over with them after he wouldn't admit the truth to them. It is very frustrating to be in this type of situation, but ulimately it is up to your DH. I would consider myself very blessed to have a husband who is putting you first rather than the other way around.

**frugalfarmwife** · 06-28-2006, 08:01 AM

Hubby does know that I'm planning on talking to her about it, quite honestly at this point no contact at all would be better than what we're having to deal with. He and I had a long talk after his last call to her, he's so hurt and frustrated and honestly it makes him work that much harder to make this farm a success just to prove it to her.

She also goes on and on about how he deserves a higher salary (she doesn't even know how much he makes and she'd be suprised if she did) And goes on about how he deserves weekends off, etc, they are not a farming family so have no clue as to life with crops and critters.

Yes hubby is a WONDERFUL man, I'm just tired of what she does to him, it's sad to see him this way, he just gets quiet.

And if I don't have him call her it's even worse she really lays it on then.

Not going to do anything just yet, maybe this is partially just venting but darn it he's my life and I get like a mama bear when someone hurts him. We ARE each others family and have each others backs no matter what.

Thanks so far guys,

kj

**Buckeye5** · 06-28-2006, 09:32 AM

My hubbies family is different too. I used to get upset about it, but it caused tension between us, so I finally ralized it was best to let hubby and his family figure out what works for them and their relationshps, without input from me. I wouldn't talk to her about any of it, it will only give her more excuses not to like you. I would just let hubby and mom figure things out, and if Dh wants a closer relationship with her, then let him do it on his terms. You'll just end of looking bad. So, my advice is not to talk to her. Dh knew it Monther's Day, but he chose not to call her, so he must want that type of relationship with his mom. Lay low and just secretly keep hoping that they both will come around on their own terms.

**banana** · 06-28-2006, 10:09 AM

I would stay out of it also. I confronted my mil once since my hubby refused to stand up for us, and she still holds it against me to this day! mil currently lives 90 miles away but just told us she wants to move by us when she retires in a year or two. Boy am I gonna have my hands full! Whenever she is around she wants dh all to herself and demands that he take her here, there and everywhere, leaving me out and occasionally leaving our son out also. I hope when she does move he is big enough to set up some boundaries with her otherwise it will be a total mess.

**betharoo0** · 06-28-2006, 10:12 AM

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
I know how you feel. i too am the big bad wife. but i chime in with all the others, stay out of it. i believe it will backfire. you know your dh chooses not to speak with his mother, and ya know.... i would not even get in the middle of that either. i would not encourage him to call anymore, what good is it for him? does he feel uplifted after the call? or does he feel like goin out to the barn and bangin his head against the wall?
With my MIL, i hardly talk to her(biggest complainer, and does NOTHING to better her situation) and i hardly visit her, even with DH, i STAY home! shes my mil NOT my best friend. i tryed to have a relationship with her but she was sucking the life out of me. and its better for dh that i dont go because then he don't have to hear it from me either! ohhhhh his family could PUSH my buttons! grrrrrr!
see my friend, that conversation would have to be one that he would have to take. if he wants a relationship with his mom. It seems that maybe shes just a little to attached to her boy and seems resentful he moved on in his life. my mil is the same with my dh. its sick!!!!! seriously!
when we read about simpicity, whats it say about relationships? what if they are so toxic they take your joy?
i don't know what else to say sorry if i rambled, someday i will learn to use capital letters and puntuation!
And i was wondering where you have been! hugs and prayers for ya, and your dh too.

**babetteq** · 06-28-2006, 10:14 AM

Your hubby seems to be making his own decisions on how he wants to deal with his mother (ie: not callling her). It's between the two of them and he needs to figure out his relationship with her. Why oh why would you push keeping a relationship intact that is so obviously toxic? You can't choose your family, but you sure can choose what you do with them and how much contact you have.

As far as mil calling to complain abotu how rotten you all are, perhaps a "if you're not going to call with something polite adn positive, don't call at all" message might be in order. And enforce it... the moment it starts getting snarky... "I'm not interested in this... I'm hanging up now". I wouldn't put up with this behaviour from my kids or friends... why from the mil?

my two cents worth

**frugalfarmwife** · 06-28-2006, 10:26 AM

Sigh, and I don't suppose I can shoot her either can I? (I'M KIDDING!)

I try to keep them in touch because I know how much they really care for each other, his father died a few years ago and hubby is the only child that doesn't use her, the other two use her shamelessly for money and babysitting. (no, I don't say a WORD about it)

What's so hard for me is that I come from a very different family, we're NOT huggy-feelie or in each others pockets, we each lead our own lives and if our paths cross we visit, we don't hold back on how we feel and don't lie to each other ( and NEVER discuss politics! LOL) If we feel slighted we just say so and discuss it, if we don't like something we say so.

We all believe our lives are our own and live them that way, we might not see each other for several years at a time but sure don't guilt each other about it.

Ok, will take a different tact with her then, won't mention her to hubby and just won't go out of my way. And she almost NEVER calls, probably because I'm the only one that answers the phone. I've NEVER gotten nasty with her and tried to be kind, but recently the barbs have gotten a touch testy so I've started chucking them back at her.

And another thing that doesn't help is that she's in a financial "situation" now so she's selling her condo and going to add onto son #2's house for herself, we're REALLY going to duck when the fur flies there. She and I discussed LONG ago that neither she nor my mother will live with us. (My mom and I are so much alike we'd KILL each other in no time flat!)

Thanks for listening guys

And yes, I'm alive here, just SO far behind with the garden and yard work that I'll never catch up so not here much.

kj

**Buckeye5** · 06-28-2006, 10:38 AM

I think you have made the right decision. I know what you mean about being behind in the garden, hey it least it's not raining in my part of Ohio today. LOl

**frugalfarmwife** · 06-28-2006, 10:47 AM

Originally Posted by Buckeye5

I think you have made the right decision. I know what you mean about being behind in the garden, hey it least it's not raining in my part of Ohio today. LOl

Sunny here too! Yesterday it poured all around us but not a drop here! I'd gotten so far behind being laid up with the bum foot that the weeds were waist high in some areas! That plum wore me out pulling them! Veggies are growing GANGBUSTERS THO!

Hope we can stay dry today too!

And again, thanks everyone, it felt good just to get this off my chest

kj

**Buckeye5** · 06-28-2006, 11:15 AM

Your welcome, hope your foot is feeling better.

**miss_thrifty** · 06-28-2006, 12:41 PM

frugal fram wife,
i know how u feel that u want to help your husband and help them deal with their situation. But I agree with the others, if he doesnt want to deal with his mom, he wont and pushing him welllllll its like getting ahorse to drink if he dont won't too. lol
My hubby didint call on his moms bday and and didnt send a fathers day card even though i reminded him and told him Im not doing his job anymore, Its his parents and if he wanted to send them something or call he would have when he should of. But hubbys mad at them theyre not the best grandparnets in the world and now they only come here if theyre in town shopping and bring a treat to kids to make up for the lack of visiting with them. They dont take them overnite or weekends anymore either. Its 45 minutes away form us. And I wont send the $60 dollars of gas with our truck to go out of the way to make my kids see their grandparents.
Like u I tried to fix everything up, I have been calling her to just chat and she has no interest in taking the kids or visiting unless theyre up here in town. So I decided what the heck, no more!!! They know where we live. If she can spend $50 a nite on bingo more then twice a week she can darn well come get the kids if she wants them!!!! lol
Sorry i venting too lol

(((HUUUGGGSSS))) to u and by the way my MIL actaully beleieved at one time I would take her in since she had no girls , if his dad dies. I dont think so !!!!! lol we would be head to head too!!! arghhh lol

**hillbillyartist** · 06-28-2006, 03:42 PM

My MIL sounds similar to yours, I can barely stand being around her because she has hurt my husband and like you said you get protective of those you love.
I would reccomend writing her a letter, just as though you were going to really send it and just get it all out, then you can rip it up. It at least makes you feel better. I did this a couple of times , thinking I would actually send them but then realized she would somehow turn them against me and I would be the bad guy, so I tossed them.
Good Luck , I know how you feel, unfortunately mine is planning on retiring soon and will be 1/2 mile away, I am really worried.