Blended families dilema -- ughh hMIL!

**ama** · 08-07-2006, 08:49 AM

I'll try to make this short....

Dsd is here (11) and I am having none of the usual problems. The kids are all getting along and we for once are actually one smoothly blended family. Instead I"m having a new problem I never saw coming!!

My inlaws -- often come and pick dsd up and take her to go swimming, shopping, have sleepovers etc. Fine -- they want to spend time with her I totally understand that. She's here for the summer -- only 3 months.

The problem is that ds (13) is horribley left out and knows it. And dh is totally not understanding why I'm so mad. They say "oh...well we didn't think he'd want to hang out with a bunch of girls. Well damn it, at least invite him and let him turn you down. Do these people have a brain or it is their heart they're missing!

The final straw -- I was off work Fri and we were all supposed to go to Greenfield Village. A museum etc kinda place. Well MIL called Thurs eve to tell dh she wanted to pick up dsd Fri and take her to an amusement park and bring her home Sun. Dh says " AND GET THIS -- "well ok, we had plans but I understand you want to spend time with her.". OMG I am livid. Not only is this man totally unsupportive that WE as a family had plans -- but what about me already taking the day off work. RUINED it. So dh went to work and I figured I could get some things done and they even ruined that without even trying I guess. They had the nerve to tell dsd they would pick her up at 11am so I spent my day off sitting around all day and they didn't come til 9p!

So instead of this family filled weekend we had planned we did NOTHING. TG that ds found sanctuary at my parents house where they spoiled him.
Then to top it all off -- the IL's were TOLD that we were having family pics taken on Sunday and didn't even call til 1pm to ask when WE WERE GOING TO FRICKIN COME AND PICK HER UP. I am beyond mad and this is straining my marriage incredibly b/c dh totally sees nothing wrong with the fact they are totally leaving ds out. I've been married for 5 years -- they've always been at least polite to ds but this just really puts it under the spotlight that not only do they not have a relationship wth ds but they're not even trying!

I come from a blended family. TG my STEP-grandparents never made me feel any differently than my younger bros. We were all treated exactly the same. My dh thinks I have unrealistic expectations -- I say I've actually been in many blended families and I know how kids should be treated. My GOD I've had plenty of boyfriends and their families who whole-heartedly accepted me and my ds and I marry into this kind of situation?? WTH?

Lets NOT EVEN mention the fact that dh had the damn nerve to tell MIL I was mad that they were leaving out ds when this all first started. So wrong on his part to open his mouth. And she said "I don't think I'm doing anything wrong -- I just miss my gdd". So now I have MIL telling dh "well don't tell your wife we're taking Jazz to Cedar Pointe (amusement park) -- I don't want her getting mad. UGHHHH -- shoot me now someone

**JustJoy** · 08-07-2006, 09:00 AM

I sure feel for you. I've been a stepmom for the past 7 years and I can totally relate to the grandparent situation. My SD (now 16) and I have never really gotten along. She just doesn't want to give me a chance. I'm the one who took daddy away from her. ARGH!

Hang in there hon.... this too shall pass {{HUGS}}

**Darlene** · 08-07-2006, 09:14 AM

Sorry.

To me the biggest problem is your husband. He shouldn't have changed plans without consulting you. Has he always "let" her (MIL) get her way? Leaving your son out of so many plans is downright mean. I can understand wanting their gd all to themselves every once in a while but it seems to be too often. How would anyone feel when one is going to such fun places and not being able to go because you are not "blood" relative?
My guess is MIL has always wanted things her way & your husband doesn't like to say no to her.
Making this better starts with him.

**Mom23boys** · 08-07-2006, 09:17 AM

Sorry that you are having to deal with this.

**fernykins** · 08-07-2006, 09:32 AM

I feel sorry for your ds........ I would never put my ds's in that situation. I have 2 sons with stepchildren as of today....... My #1 son is getting married today. I will have 2 verry pretty sgd's twins. my son to be dil can't have anymore. My #3 ds married a woman with a 5yo son who is autisum. My son had her take him to a Dr for tests...... They just throught he was slow. My son came to that marriage with a 5yo daughter. His wife is fantasic with her.
Children are a blessing. My ILs were a blessing the took my 3 from my first marriage and my sisters kids which I raised and treated them the same as their real grandchildren. a very good teacher. Good luck with having your dh understand no child should be left out.
Fern

**kabin63** · 08-07-2006, 09:48 AM

ama, I can feel for you. I have been a SM for the last 15 years. It hasn't always been easy either, but things have worked out for the most part. I didn't have any children of my own when we married, but we had one together. It is hard to blend a family. It really seems that your MIL is having a hard time connecting with your DS because he is not blood related. So sad too, because she could be missing out on so much with him. My mom has always treated my DSK as her own, but they are all adults now, but she has left me the right model. I have 8 SGK and I love them each as if they are my own. I would never not include them in anything, even if they didn't want to. Some of them are the same age as my own DD, so that is nice for them too.

Darlene is right though, the change will begin when your DH gets his priorities right, whether it is developing a back bone with his mother, or sticking up for you DS and insisting that she include him too. Best of luck to you!

One more thing. I haven't been to greenfield village in along time, but it is fun to go there. Hope you get to make that trip soon.

**Backtoreality** · 08-07-2006, 10:12 AM

My heart goes out for you. we have been a blended family for nearly 21 years; soooo hard. My sDD lived with us for 15 years, She called me mom and I treated her like my own. We also adopted a nephew from my SIL who passed away 16 years ago. Looking back on it, it was hard work, really hard work

; but I wouldn't change a thing. We have 5 grown children, each with their own personalities and own set of problems. But I love them all as my own.
Hang in there, I wish I could tell you that things will get better, only God knows that. But please give it your best effort, children are worth the work! (Hey who is going to take care of us when we are old and gray?!?!

)

**MirandaK** · 08-07-2006, 10:55 AM

The most important thing is for you and DH to get on the same page. If not, this will continue to haunt you. Maybe not right away but next summer when she is with you it will pick right back up.

Have you sat down with DS to discuss the situation with him? I'm sure he'd like to know that you feel as bad about this situation as he does.

Good luck with this. I can't imagine how you must feel. rock - you - hard place.

**bumplett** · 08-07-2006, 11:16 AM

I think you should have a heart - to - heart with your MIL. As difficult as that may seem, I think she would appreciate you coming to her.... and it may create more respect.

Good Luck

**Telephus44** · 08-07-2006, 07:01 PM

I agree that your DH should not have changed the plans without consulting you - and I'd sit down and have a conversation with him about that! I think it is one thing to take a grandchild on an outing, but not at the expense of tripping up your whole weekend. He should have been more considerate to that fact.

I don't have any personal experience with blended families, but I think you do have a good point. I agree with MirandaK and I'd sit down and have a talk with your DS, so that he understands where you're coming from and he knows that you feel badly about it.

**miss_thrifty** · 08-07-2006, 07:46 PM

Most inlaws are hard to deal with, I feel for you,and i dont know what MIl is like to sit down and chat with, but hubby has to meet u half way, or it makes too much tension in your realtioship. And thats not good for anyone. i feel for your son, its not fair to him to be left out. She should even try to schjedule time with him alone if they thought he didnt want to do girl stuff. It looks like favoutism, and we have it in my family tooo, hubbys nephews and neices. Our kids are usually on the last of the list, and told why dont u be like so- and so. Dang hurtful to my oldest 13 yr old.
have aherat to heart to show him how much your son is hurting, and how would his daughter feel if it was the other way around. Kids remember how their treated , and and it aint a easy time whren your ateen in the first place. Talk to him agian, then talk to his mom, tell her how much your son hurts, and how much it would mean to him , to feel like he belongs to this family too. HHHUUUGGGSSSS

**Daisygirl** · 08-08-2006, 05:42 AM

Oh, no, your poor son. I hate to see things like this, and unfortunately it seems to happen all the time. I know that if I were to marry my Mom in particular would have some trouble accepting any stepgrandchildren and treating them as her own. As for me, I just don't get it. Kids are kids, no matter whose blood they have and the more children we can influence and make happy in our lives, the better off we are.

I would talk to your son and your husband, but unless you two put your foot down together, there is no reason for the mother in law to make any changes, and your husband is simply allowing her to make you look like the bad guy.

Best of luck, and big higs coming your way.