Vent - re: heartache

[Libby]

Well the beloved bf and I have been having problems lately and it seems no matter what I've done, I can not do any longer. It seems that I've always been the one to be the bigger person and 'fix' the problems or try to find solutions. I've finally figured out this week that its not me who has to change its him. I've had nowhere else I've been able to vent or discuss this but I thought best this would the place to do it. Its like we're all sisters on here helping one another out.

We're currently on a 2 wk break to decide if we should stay together and I know from my point of view - I acutally did see him as my future husband, growing old together and the father of my children. We've both actually planned our life out together and were working on it slowly, getting our own personal lives into shape to merge both of ours into one. Things were going to roll together some point next yr - probably in the summer.

I know theres a lot of IF's in our future right now and after talking with many different people on the net, some strangers, some close friends who live far far away - we're all pointing to the same conclusion....we're not meant to be.

A relationship shouldnt be based on the "IF's" b/c that would be like me asking him to change. Yes he may change into what I'd like/need for a short while but it will only give way back to the old ways and start to fail again. These are changes he needs to make on his own accord in order for us to continue.

I dont know what Im trying to ask you ladies here, just needed to vent/get it off my chest/brain I guess. Kinda hard to realize that something I've put my all into for a year and a half into is coming to and end. Feels like Im going to be getting a divorce or something

Not sure how to deal with this or wait out the 2 wks until we're supposed to speak again with our decisions. Does this mean its a bad thing if I think its ok to part ways? I mean if I stay with him - things need to change and may never change and I'll just end up right back in this exact spot 2 months from now all frustrated OR if we do part ways - I wont be all that heart broken? Sad that this chapter of my life is over but maybe more happy if and when I find my next victim er bf ?

Thoughts, questions, comments are welcomed. I find the more I this subject the better I feel...the less inside me. Hope no one thinks this is a pity party - just wondering if what/how Im thinking is par for the course?

The bonus - I have not forgotten my own personal goals and dreams - financially and have actually achieved those this yr and Im still right on track....vs soon to be ex bf (?) I think hes a bit intimidated that I can do it all on my own - w/o him - AND am constantly able to do it on a regular basis.

[frugalfarmwife]

Aww, hugs to you, you are at a big cross roads in your life. My biggest piece of advice is a comment that is so true:

"Women marry men for what we think they will become, men marry women for who they are"

All to often this IS what happens and it does end in frustration/breakups/divorce. Men don't change unless it's their idea and there really is something in it for them (k, same is true for women).

You deserve happiness and someone that accepts you for who you are and who you appreciate for who they are.

Hubby and I both went through really REALLY nasty break ups before we met, we were both used, lied to, cheated on and basically put through the wringer, so we really truly appreciate each other. We never really fight, we think long and hard on things and decide if that's the hill we really want to die on before we start discussions.

Take this time and do something just for you, relax a bit, maybe even a tiny splurge of some kind to feel good, you deserve it!

Wow, rambled a bit there didn't I?

kj

[Libby]

FFW - THANK YOU SO MUCH!

A lot of ppl have been validating what I have been feeling. Maybe this falling out was a sign? I dont know if I could withstand another round with the bf but this is where I have the problem, we've both been through the wringer and both appreciate each other - or least thought we did until recently.

The problem Im having is that I vowed to never accept another person like the one whos put me through the wringer. And here I am doing it. Like WTF am I doing? I think I may need a slap in the head. But see - its the gosh darned GUT feeling thats motivating me.....entrapping me. But on the same token, if I dont follow my gut instinct, Im probably going to wonder WHAT IF for long time in my life, if not forever.

Many past relationships have ended with ease. Unlike this one. Im not saying ending relationships have been easy on my end of things but none have proven this difficult to me - thus causing me to wonder - SHOULD I REALLY DO IT? I know I deserve someone whos worthy of me - and he once used to be. I dont think Im sitting here hoping he'll change back b/c I know this may never happen. I just dont know if Im willing to sit and wait it out.

I guess this is what the 2 wks no contact period is all about. The problem is I move quick with my heart. Leave it exposed for only as long as it needs be, and to be honest, Id like to know NOW if we're going to go on or not but sadly I must wait.

Again, FFW thank you for your kind words

[frugalfarmwife]

The MOST important thing of all is do not compromise yourself! I know I did that many times just so I wouldn't be alone and spent several years in a vicious cycle with it. Sometimes I wish it wouldn't have happened but it is part of what has made me who I am now, if I hadn't been through it I wouldn't appreciate hubby as much as I do! But, if I'd settled and compromised I sure wouldn't be where I am now! And I wouldn't trade my life/hubby for ANYTHING! (Even though I may grumble some days, lol)

Look in the mirror long and hard and make sure you're comfortable with YOU, then go from there, the answer will come to you.

And! Make some FUN plans for the next two weeks and keep us updated on them!

kj:

[Libby]

Well as of today, I have looked into going back to school part time via online courses or web courses for a certificate program. Its doable if I do one course/season/semester. But based on the grounds I get paid back the monies owed to me. W/o that I cant even think to look into the courses. Plus I need to wade through all the political school transcription crap.

Ugh such a journey awaits! But its something Id love to study

I hate this saying but Only Time Will Tell! Now that hurts to an impatient person!

[Daisygirl]

You know, Shorty, I have been through an absolutely horrible marraige and when I escaped that, I made a few decisions, I guess you would call the "standards to live by." The first of those was that I would rather be alone than with someone who did not like me exactly as I am. Sounds to me as though he is intimidated by you and that there may be some core differences between you. I think that if you are this tired, becasue the feeling I get from you is just that - exhaustion - then, you need to take this break that the two of you has established, and you need to figure out where you need to be. Then decide whether or not that is somewhere he will be with you. You cannot change him, he has to come along as is. Is it a fit? That is what you must ask yourself.

I am sending you the biggest hugs in the world, because even when someone is not quite right for you, it still hurts. I can tell by what you have accomplished on here that you are a strong woman, but even strong women get broken hearts. We are here for you.

[Darlene]

You are a smart lady to step back and realize what you want before you get married, not after. That's what all this time before you get married is for, to see if you should be a couple. He can be a wonderful person & still not be the right person, that's a hard thing to walk away from but in the long run it's best for both. Marriage is hard enough without problems from the get go.
You are so right in giving yourself time (& yep you can't change him, only yourself) and doing good things to make yourself the best you can be. Who knows where your future will lead. You're in the captains seat. Plot your course and sail on.

[Droppedonmyhead]

Years ago, a friend of mine gave me an excellent guideline for men and relationships. She said, "All relationships require work. But if you have to CONSTANTLY work hard at it to make it work, then it's the wrong relationship". Only you can decide if it's right or wrong. We can be very attached to people (even if they are wrong for us).

I noticed in your first post that you said something about him changing for you. Right there's the kiss of death of a relationship. You want him to change so you can remain with him. Is that really what you want?

I think you know what you should do, but you are unsure about breaking that attachment. It's never easy or fun. But sometimes we have to say goodbye to people in our lives. I know your heart's hurting right now and you have some heavy duty soul-searching to do. That old cliche is soooo true. . . If it's meant to be, it will be.

My heart goes out to you. I know the pain of what you're going through.

[AirForceWife]

I don't really have advice. I think that you have presented the situation like you see the objective side of things. I just wanted to send you a big hug. You have some tough desicions to make and I will be thinking good thoughts for you!

[MirandaK]

You sound as though you are thinking this through logically and you are probably making the right decision. As everyone on here has said, if you can't make it work with the personality you are dealing with, it will never work. The odds of him becoming the person you want him to be are slim to none.

I think that in relationships it really takes a while to see the true person. You have that honeymoon type period in the first year or so of a relationship that makes it easy to gloss over the problems (esp. the kind that have the potential to morph into catastrophies!) It sounds like you have reached that stage and he's not the one for you...Fear not, just when you think you'll never meet the ONE he'll show up and sweep you off you feet!!!!

[Libby]

Thanks ladies, I just feel that Im at a crossroad and dont know what to do anymore. Have I been that 'numb' to it all since we started dating over a yr ago?

Better yet - what am I to do when I say no to continuing on and he says yes? (I know its obvious - keep walking the other way but in that situation???)

[kabin63]

Hi Shorty,
You've been given lots of good advice, deep inside I think you all ready know the answer, but sometimes we just need someone to confirm what we all ready know.
Best wishes to you!

[Droppedonmyhead]

I doubt you've be "numb" to it all for the past year. He obviously has some good things about him or else you wouldn't have stayed with him so long. Are the changes you're wanting him to make of great importance or are they just bothersome/annoying things? If a relationship isn't a yes/yes with both people, then it's not going to be a relationship anymore. He might even possibly come back after 2 weeks saying that he agees with you. No one likes to be the "bad" guy when breaking up, but if it isn't working for both people, then it has to be done. You both tried, but it just wasn't a "fit". There's no reason to feel guilty about it. It wasn't meant to be.

[frugalnana]

Seems like the ladies have given you good advice and I agree I think you know down deep what is best for you. Sending you a big hug and keep us updated.

[miss_thrifty]

i totally agree with what evryone else is saying. Every women hasthat instict what she knows is wrong and whats right. we always dont listen to it, and we should, but thats how we learn. sending u big hhhuugggsss and have faith in yourself, u know what u need in your life and whats good for u!!!