Need Some Advice

**Lady_V** · 09-20-2006, 10:53 AM

Where else can I turn to for advice but the 'Frugalities Counsel'?
We had originally planned a family vacation of a road trip to Memphis for June, after DD gets out of school. It seems as if the plans are changing for a very unhappy reason.
DF's Paw-Paw was diagnosed with Emphysema almost a year ago. The man never smoked a day in his life and lived a very busy and healthy life on the farm. Before he retired, he was the Captain of a riverboat... hence how he contracted the Emphysema. Sadly, they don't think he will make it the end of the year.
Here is our delema... We are trying to save the money to fly DF home to Memphis from Boston. He wants his family (me and DD) with him when he goes through all this, and he is deathly afraid of airplanes. Last minute flights, even for bereavement will cost as much as it did when the 3 of us flew down for Thanksgiving last year.
DF thinks it would be cheaper for the to drive to Memphis (from Boston) than it would be for just him to fly there. We would need to find a hotel. His mother (who we stayed with last year) no longer has her house and is sharing a 2 bedroom apartment with a friend. His brother has a 1 bedroom apt. He may offer to let us stay there, but without getting too in to it... I will just say that it is not an environment I want to thrust my 6 year old in to. The rest of DF's family are scattered in the immediate area, but none have the room for the three of us. Of course food will have to be tossed in to the finances as well. He may not be in the right mind, but I have to make sure that both he and DD eat while we are there.
I think if he flies there alone, he can definitely stay with family, and of course, they will feed him.
As much as I want to be with him, and as much as he wants us to be there too, I also have to consider DD. She is in first grade, it will take a day to drive there, a day back... 3 days for wake and funeral, so 5 days minimum... (I am the only one who can drive so I know it will take almost a week in total since I can't safely drive the distance in one shot). Missing a lot of school is not an option. The Ex and I have an agreement, no missing school for vacation (not technically a vacation, but still missed days)
I suggested that DF go visit Paw-Paw now, but he doesn't want to see him like this. When we saw him in November, he was frail, but he still looked and acted like Paw-Paw. DF doesn't want the memory of his Paw-Paw failing to thrive. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I have to respect his wishes and his memories.
I don't know exactly what I am asking... but I know that if I put everything out there, someone can offer me some advice.
We have NO idea when we need to leave, it can be as soon as tomorrow or as far off as 6 months (we also have conflicts about time vs. pain... we don't want him to live a painful life).
What would you do if it was YOUR family???

**MandiDawn** · 09-20-2006, 12:20 PM

Well, I am a firm believer in putting your spouse before your children (to an extent . . not if he's abusive or something like that ) You children grow up and leave, but your spouse is there forever. So if he needs you to be by his side, then I think you should be by his side. Can your DD stay with your ex while you go down there? Any other family member she can stay with and still go to school?

**Michelle** · 09-20-2006, 12:27 PM

I replied to this in your blog

**kabin63** · 09-20-2006, 12:41 PM

I agree with Mandidawn. Is there anyone your DD can stay with for a week while you go down there? I think you should go with him if you can.

**bumplett** · 09-20-2006, 01:31 PM

I personally don't think a 6 year old should attend a funeral - or see an elderly relative in great pain - (unless it's a very close relative) but that's just my opinion.

I agree that you should try to leave dd at home w/ someone that can be trustworthy enough to make sure she goes to school everyday, and someone that she feels close to & comfortable with.

Go with df if at all possible, he needs you.

**Sari** · 09-20-2006, 03:44 PM

I was also going to suggest maybe your daughter staying with your ex. As far as the trip, start pricing rental cars (if needed), gas, hotel, food. Write down all the estimates and compare driving to flying. Once you have that figured out, you can start saving for it.