Help DS on websites he shouldn't be

**leela21** · 09-22-2006, 11:20 AM

I am absolutely furious!!! First let me say I have a program on the kids computer(which is in the living room) that tells me everyplace they go online records all their chat sessions etc. I get an email every morning reporting their wearabouts. This mornings report showed our oldest checking out a couple xrated sites briefly. He is 16. I realize he is curious and this is his first offense but I am very upset and want to strangle him! I have several hours before he is home to calm down but please can you give me suggestions on how to handle this? I can't reach DH on his cell so he won't know until after work. By the way I know it was DS1 because the other two were at a red sox game with their dad at that time last night.

I should also say he is an awesome kid that gets high honors and has not given us any trouble whatsoever.

**bumplett** · 09-22-2006, 11:34 AM

don't shoot me - but I think that I would prefer to give him a copy of playboy - it's far less offensive

I hate online sites - if he knows now that you can see where he visits, it only means he won't visit these sites from home - he'll go to a friend's house instead -

I'd stick a few magazines under his bed & tell him that the online sites only show the twisted, disfunctional side of male/female relationships.

**nuisance26** · 09-22-2006, 01:46 PM

~ I was very curious at this age also. I don't know what your moral or religious beliefs are but this is a great time to have a calm discussion with your son about his curiosity and guide him towards a respectful attitude towards women. I would have your DH discuss your expectations with him as well. I CAN understand why you are upset, though. I'm trying hard to not imagine my kids when they discover their sexual identities. I've said a prayer for you and your family today.

**celina** · 09-22-2006, 02:02 PM

heck i'd say a maxim or swim suit issue would do the trick

breathe, its normal...its natural to be curious, this is a hand you can only play ONCE that you monitor...cause after that he'll hide stuff from you...

so i'd say get a subsciption to sports illustrated or leave a maxim hanging around...and see what happens..

my friends went through this and she was glad she waited, it didnt last long and she later was able to use her hand of knowing she was monitoring his usage because of something waaay more serious

**celina** · 09-22-2006, 02:03 PM

oh and i'd guess if he's looking he isnt doing...

**voodidit** · 09-22-2006, 02:12 PM

I think it's natural for a boy his age to look at stuff like that. I don't know how open you are with talking to him, he may feel better being busted by dad when it comes to this.

**lottaLove** · 09-22-2006, 03:56 PM

I agree with voodidit. I think the fact that he looked very briefly means that he was just curious. (maybe he got spammed in his email, and followed a link out of curiosity??)

I wouldn't want to blow the monitoring card just yet. This is the first time, so I would do what the ladies above suggested, and maybe leave a Maxim laying around somewhere that he can see it.

If you notice that he keeps going to these websites, and he starts to search for them all of the time, then I would definitely confront. It is good to be curious, but not so good to accidentally come across twisted websites and who knows what else on the internet. JMHO

**PrairieRose** · 09-22-2006, 06:28 PM

I have to say that my 3 kids are grown and gone but what I would do is simply this. I'd take the wait and see aproach. You're aware of it, you can monitor it and if it gets to be a reg. or often thing then you can talk to him about it. I would probably approach the subject from the view of what these things mean for the women of the world in general and to the women involved in the movies specifically. I would assure him that you understand his curiousity and you're not shaming him for that but you just don't want to see any 'problems' arise from this sort of activity. Be sure to tell him he can talk to you about anything, you're not going to be surprised or shocked as you were a teenager yourself not all THAT long ago and things haven't changed that much in the interum. Remind him how much you love him, what a great role model he is for his siblings and how proud you are of him. If you reinforce how great you think he is he will most likely to try to live up to your opinions of him. If on the other hand you berate him for this he's likely to to go the other way as well. Don't panic. It's ok.....he's just a kid and sounds to me like he's normal.

**Lady_V** · 09-22-2006, 09:43 PM

I thought about what I would do if it was my DD in ten years...
I can understand how you feel about the on-line stuff... I agree, some of them are very ... well... unreal. If you let him know you can see where he is going, he will go other places, and 1 boy, home alone is much different than a bunch of boys clustered together looking at that stuff. That's when 'the stories' come out complete with a bunch of misinformation.
I was far from virtuous when I was 16 although my parents thought I was a virgin bride... so, everyone has secrets. My mother never talked to me about sex, just told me that if I get pregnant, my dad would cut their bits off... not exactly helpful. Luckily, my aunt, the family black sheep mailed me a book on sexuality when I was 11. It wasn't full of positions or anything as adult as that, but it did cover masturbation, birth control... the things teenagers really need to know, that most don't want to ask parents about in fear of house arrest and usually getting half-truth from friends who learned from friends.
I am not saying you should give him "The Joy of Sex" but, he is at the average age of active people... I know, scary thought... As I look at my DD, I really don';t want to think about her having sex, but, I will make sure she is prepared.
It's time your DH and DS1 have a "Guys Time" where they can talk about how things really are. Even buy him a condom, but with the understanding that you don't condone it, but if he is going to be active, to use it. My parents lived in a shell, so I was the one who had 'the talk' with my brother. Some of his friends... didn't get 'the talk' at all... and they were the ones who were pushing baby buggies at their graduation parties.
It's hard to talk to them about sex... it's harder -not- to.
Totally just my opinion, others don't have to agree with me, and I suspect most won't.

**Cele** · 09-22-2006, 10:01 PM

You have every right to be furious. We went through this with DSS several months back. He is 13.

First, he knew he was being monitored. I see no reason to keep this from your children. They need to know you will see what they're doing...and that there are consequences for doing the wrong thing. Second, he directly disobeyed us by visiting such sites. Third, he lied about it (initially) when caught.

We went easy on his first offense (banned from the computer here and at his mom's for three weeks). He did not learn his lesson. A few weeks later, I caught him again. He said he "just couldn't help it". We told him that is an unacceptable excuse. He is banned from the computer at our house permanantly. His mom takes the keyboard from her house to work everyday so he can only use the computer after she is home.

Yes, kids are curious, and yes that's normal. Breaking rules, deceiving others and lying are not acceptable or normal.

I'm not a terribly conservative person, but there is no way I would give a child Maxim, Playboy, or any other form of porn. What a terrible message on many levels.

**leela21** · 09-23-2006, 06:44 AM

Thanks everyone with the input. DH and I talked to DS. He knows about the program and has known for quite a while. I had no desire to "catch him" doing something wrong. Prevention is my idea. Anyhow he did not deny it. We told him we know curiousity is normal at his age and that his hormones are raging. I explained a little bit about the dangers of sex addiction and how the internet could make that all too real. We told him he is not allowed on the computer for a month and he must research and write a one page paper on teenage sex addiction. I will be providing the information sources. I also do not feel comfortable giving him any magazines. He is well educated as I have given him a book to read and have talked to him on many occassions and when he goes for his physicals I make sure we discuss sex with the doctor and I gave him condoms last year as he has had a steady girlfriend for almost 3 years. Yes it is very difficult to talk with your kids about sex but the consequences can be devastating if you don't.

**miss_thrifty** · 09-23-2006, 09:39 AM

i was wondering ig u had any programs to stop and block some of the porn sites. Yes he's deffently nornal , mines ds 14 now and he's been trying for the last year testing from time to time. i look at everythin g he's been in too, but it's hard, and i know being aparent isnt easy. and curosity will get to them.I have Norton internet security and weh the odd thing didnt get blockes auytomatically i put the address i found in it to block and certain phrases , so he couldnt do searches. Like he use to look at fancy cars, but put in sexy cars, sometimes these girls had clothes , others had hardly any on, or pop ups with nudty. So i banned it by the norton, and tried and tested in google search, it would block the pics, he couldnt get in any, and its underthe parental control, so ther is apassword u need.

**Daisygirl** · 09-23-2006, 05:09 PM

I think there is a big difference in educating your children about the biology of sex and in educating them about sexuality. There are ways to reduce the level of what comes up on the internet if searches are done. At his age, he is very curious and if he is looking at the less hardcore images and you are NOT providing the images, that might be something you would have to live with.

Sexuality is a positive part of life and growing up. I thinking trying to banish all sexuality from your child's life is the wrong way to go about educating them. Sexuality should be a beautiful and positive experience -- just hollering "wrong, wrong, wrong" makes for people who have trouble with normal sexual relationships later in life.

I don't think, if it were my child, I would want to punish them for exploring sexuality and assauging their curiousity. I would want to encourage them towards a positive viewpoint.

Hopefully, since you are asking opinions, you are not offended by mine.

**leela21** · 09-23-2006, 06:38 PM

Not offended in the least. However what my Son was doing was not exploring his sexuality in a healthy way. He was viewing pornography. He has heard enough to know what is online is an unhealthy form of sex. Providing no discipline in my opinion is the same as saying it isn't that bad. Hopefully once will be all it takes. We took the time to acknowledge his natural desires and curiosity. We also let him know that we knew that he knew what he was doing was wrong. I feel he needs to be held accountable for his negative actions.

**Cele** · 09-24-2006, 05:03 PM

I agree with you Leela. Kids need boundaries, and they have to held accountable for their behavior. As my dad always said, "as long as your feet are under my table, you'll obey my rules". I absolutely hated getting that speech as a teen, but he was right.

Honestly, I'm surprised at how many people here seem to see porn as no big deal. I realize it's a moral/values issue and I don't judge anyone for their opinions. Nor do I judge adults who wish to view such things. I do hope parents see the connection between online porn, chat rooms, and pedophiles. There are some sick, dangerous people out there trolling the Net for victims.