I'm so depressed right now...I could cry...

**brenda67** · 09-30-2006, 08:21 PM

I think I should cry maybe I'll feel better...I'm so tired of begging my boys to help me out...cleanup after themselves..I'm sick of cleaning..cooking..doing laundry...doing bills.. I'm tired of trying to make my legally blind brother happy....I'm just sick sick sick of it all..My Dh hubby does nothing but take the garbage to the dump..and mow the lawn..thats it! Oh and he does work 40 hrs a week..I guess I should be grateful for that.. I know that things can always be worse and poeple have it worse then me...but I'm tired of doing the same things everyday... the only thing I do that I enjoy is baking coupons and stockpiling...I always put my kids,brother and Dh hubby first before anything..I know it's the way it's suppose to be and normally I do enjoy it...but right now I'm recentful towards all of it.. I don't go to the bars,I don't do drugs, I drink only once and awhile and thats at home... and I don't like to go visit anyone cause I'm to busy taking care of the family...I do nothing for myself...I feel guilty if I go to buy something for myself even if it's a need..my bras are to big...I wear the same clothes that I've had for years..I know your thinking why doesn't she just go buy them? I just can't bring myself to do it...I've become so mindset on needs verses wants and that the money can be used for other things or emergencies or the kids...I never was one to go without till frugality entered my life...I always looked nice had nice clothes had nice shoes had my hair done..I just sometimes hate myself for not just going and spending a bunch of money on myself..I've tried to do this and once I hit the stores I never walk out with anything for myself...I've totally lost myself somewhere...I feel so alone..there is no one who shares my interest not even my Dh...No I'm not pmsing so thats not whats wrong with me so I can't blame it on that..I keep thinking maybe I should leave my Dh and kids for a week or so and disappear for awhile....I really just want to run away...walk out on my family...I'm so overwhelmed with hate for them all.. Whats wrong with me? Am I losing my mine? Sorry for rambling on but I really have had it with everything..

**3-boys-4-me** · 09-30-2006, 08:47 PM

Wow, I don't know what to say other then I know how you feel. Here I thought I was alone all this time.
My Mother lives with us. I clean, I cook, I clean, I yell, I cook, I do laundry, I do it all. My DH tries to help out when he can but most times it's just easier for me to do it myself.
Trust me when I tell you that you need to take some time for yourself. Go out and get your hair cut. Do some shopping for just YOU! Get a new outfit or two and strut your stuff. It really will make you feel better.
Don't worry about the money. There are times that you must invest in yourself!
Leaving your family is not the answer. You need them just as much as they need you. Just take some YOU time, do something you enjoy. The house and everyone in it will be fine for a few hours. Get out for awhile, you will feel better. Hugs to you and know you're not alone!

**auntie2many** · 09-30-2006, 08:53 PM

Have you thought of speaking with your doctor and maybe getting medicine for your depression. Also, you may want to speak to a pastor of a church and ask for guidance or maybe ask to get in touch with the women's ministry director. I will keep you in my prayers.

auntie

**staceyy** · 09-30-2006, 09:17 PM

Frugality can be a good thing if not taken too far. It sounds like you have crossed the line and taken it to the extreme. Remember "everything in moderation". Frugality should add to your life not become a curse.It sounds like you were happier and looked better before you became "too" frugal. Maybe you should find a happy medium. Also surrounded by males all the time isn't too healthy. Is there a female group you can join maybe a class or church group? I would visit the threads on these boards regarding "what do you do to not feel deprived" and "what do you do to treat yourself". You have to treat yourself on a regular basis and it doesn't have to cost much. It sounds like you've lost your balance and you're suffering because of it.

**wantsabug** · 09-30-2006, 09:35 PM

I am so sorry you are feeling so down and out. I think everyone feels like this at some point in their life. I have had a terrible year but somehow I just keep trucking along. I lost a brother and a sister to cancer this year. Now I am dealing with my 95 year old Mom who was found in the floor a couple of months back unconscious. She has been in and out of the hospital and nursing home. I have not had any time for myself to just sit and relax because I don't know when I might get a call that something worse has happened to her. Of course I worry about my daughter (Voodidit) who has bad days with her MS. You need to just find a couple of hours for just yourself. Tell the family they are on their own, that you need some down time. My husband and I picked apples in an apple orchard today. That may not sound like fun to some but just being out in the fresh country air, trying to find the ( Biggest) apples we could find, driving through the orchard, I can really forget the bad times for a little while. I even found some denim jeans on sale for 2.99 that had been 16.00 . You deserve to have things for yourself, sounds like you do a lot for your family. Go spend a little money on yourself for a change, it doesn"t have to be much . I am happy with my 2.99 jeans. Believe me regardless of how hard it is sometimes, cherish your family while you have them ( even though they can be a pain in the butt at times). Things will get better for you. Don't give up

**kabin63** · 09-30-2006, 10:57 PM

to you Brenda. I agree with the others. You have to carve out time for yourself. also agree that you have crossed that line into too much frugality. See, you have to take care of you in order to be good to anyone else. Chances are your DH and family liked it better when you did more for yourself. Sometimes self sacrifice is just too much. I know all this because I did the same thing as you. Took care of everyone else and no time for me. I hadn't bought clothes for myself in a long time and I finally went out the other day and bought myself a brand new sweater, even paid full price, because it was the rarest of finds. It was something I actually like. My hubby told me to go get myself some clothes when I need them, but I can be a martyr for the cause and it's not always good for us. I get depressed because I take better care of them than I do of myself. Hang in there, it really isn't going to help if you run away, but carve out that time for you and you will start to feel better...And don't feel alone, we have all been there, are there, or close to it.

**dolphin** · 10-01-2006, 12:00 AM

I'm so very sorry that you're feeling so bad. I know that feeling and I am praying for you. Once in while we women know we need 'something' to keep on going. Perhaps it is perimenopause, overdoing it, lack of real life friends, lack of just about everything, but I can tell you right now, you are not to be a slave to 'all'. You must do something for yourself, to make you feel better. I suspect you've taken on a bit too much and are not getting the support at home that you need. Couseling may help or you may want to speak to your medical doctor about how you're feeling. Lots of times them can recommend a medication to get you through the rough part and there's nothing shamefull in that. It's called, taking care of yourself. God Bless and many Prayers coming your way.

**Droppedonmyhead** · 10-01-2006, 07:00 AM

It's no fun feeling like you're the only one sacrificing for the family. I agree with the others in that you need to make some time for yourself and you should buy the things you need. Look at it this way, you're not doing yourself nor anyone else any good by sacrificing your basic needs as a woman. You are getting resentful about it and your family would be shocked that you didn't go get what you needed. You are contributing a great deal to the family and home. You need to treat yourself now and then. YOU DESERVE IT!!!!

**JustJoy** · 10-01-2006, 07:49 AM

If I've learned anything in the past few years, it's to make sure I take care of ME! I used to be a person who always put everyone elses needs and wants before my own, and what did it get me? Major resentment! I felt that no one appreciated what I did, etc.... It also led to depression & anger. Now I make sure I take time for myself everyday. It doesn't have to be anything big and usually isn't. I'll give myself a manicure and/or pedicure, read a magazine or a few chapters in a book, meditate, take a walk..... My ME time is very important to my mental health

Another word I've added to my vocabulary is.. NO! I used to say yes to almost anything people would ask of me. Not anymore....I'm not saying that it's easy and I don't do it all the time, but I'm working on it.

Another problem I've always had is asking for help. I felt I should be able to do everything on my own. Big mistake. I'm getting much better at this too.

Might I suggest sitting down with your DH and boys and letting them know how you are feeling? I don't know the ages of your boys, but I'd let them know what chores they are expected to do... maybe even write up a list for them and come up with some consequences if they fail to do what is asked of them. I had a problem with my teenage step daughter for awhile when she was living with us for a year. She did absolutely NOTHING around the house. She felt because I am a homemaker (and home most of the day) everything around here was my job. DH and I talked to her and told her what was expected. Doing her laundry, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning her room once a week, picking up after herself and occassionally helping me with some of the housework.

If you do all these things and are still feeling the same way as you are now, you may want to consider seeing a therapist and/or Dr for some meds. There is absolutely no shame in either. BIG

to you.

**babetteq** · 10-01-2006, 09:29 AM

I know how you feel too. I think what you're going through is common to many women, specially homemakers. It's when we spend our energy and time and love on everybody else because we love to do that, until before we know it, we've lost ourselves and we resent the stuff we used to love, and our family is taking us for granted because we dont' demand appreciation.

Our mental health is critical to the success of our family. If you can't do it for yourself, then you must do it for them. Fact is, we need time for ourselves, we need to do things for ourselves that make us feel good about ourselves and feed us emotionally. If we don't do that, we end up feeling just how you are now.

Add 'self care' to your budget & time. Use the money for going to a nice restaraunt (by yourself or with a girlfriend) or get your hair done, or buy a new outfit. a new pair of shoes, do something fun WITHOUT the family. It's money and time just for you. IF you bring family with you... you will end up just looking after their wants and needs. It's hard to do at first, because you've conditioned yourself to think that you aren't as important as everyone else. Ha! You're wrong. You're actually the glue that holds the rest together... which means you're MORE important. Who takes care of you? If your answer is 'no one' then YOU have to take care of you.

BTW, bras that don't fit aren't a luxury.... in our society/culture a good fitting bra is important for our comfort and how poeple treat us depends on what we look like, so there are some basics to take care of. 2-3 bras that fit. That goes for underwear too. I beleive that every woman needs at least one set of bra and panties that makes her feel pretty too. THAT'S for our mental health and self esteem.

Listen to what everyone says here. You'll find that many of us have gone through the same things.

babs

**northernmom2boys** · 10-01-2006, 09:48 AM

Im so sorry you are feeling down

My dh and I went to Wal Mart yesterday to get a few things.They had bras on sale for 10 dollars so I was going to get some,well they went in my cart and then after 20 mins I took them back out thinking 10 bucks for a bra I dont need that now.So we kept shopping and my dh ended up buying a cell phone(much more than 10 dollars)I dont fault him he needed one and he works hard .My problem is I never feel I need or deserve anything.On the way home my dh scolded me for not buying the bra and never being selfish for myself.We need to take care of ourselves or we are no good to anyone else.
I hope you feel better soon
Michelle

**suzysaver** · 10-01-2006, 10:59 AM

So sorry your feeling so bad.
I would take some time for yourself as soon as possible. Just get out of the house and go for a very long walk, stop and look at all the world around you.
I went threw depression for 4 years, there is no shame in getting help.

Something that helped me. I realized that I have choices every day, I can choose to get up in a rotten mood and stomp around.....or I can wake up and be happy. Go spend a little money on yourself, no guilt....you deserve it, your working so hard. I would also sit down with the whole family and discuss this, make a chart of chores for the boys...so you don't have to ask and they now what is expected of them. Carve out some time for yourself eat day for something you enjoy.
Please get the help you need and your in my thoughts.

**Katybird** · 10-01-2006, 11:10 AM

The other ladies have given you great advice so I will just offer

and

.

**Michelle68** · 10-01-2006, 12:46 PM

Hugs to you, Brenda. I think, as someone else has said, there is a fine line to being frugal and being overly-frugal. It's definitely time for you to take care of yourself, pamper yourself and have a little "you time". For instance, like you I rarely buy myself clothes but when my DH gave me a gift card for my birthday last year, I went to the department store and bought a few sets of very pretty underthings on sale. I felt nice and my DH said he liked it, too.

Another thing I do, although it's not much, is buy bubblebath at the dollar store. When the kids go to bed, I run myself a nice bubblebath

and even if it's only for a few minutes, I soak, relax and have a little down-time. It sounds like you need to do the same for yourself, maybe not necessarily with a bubblebath, but try to find ways to be good to yourself now and then. You'll be healthier and happier for it and those you love will be, too. Hang in there. We're here for you.

--Michelle

**leezza** · 10-01-2006, 12:51 PM

Brenda,

First off I am sorry that you are having a rough patch right now.....sounds like most everyone can relate in some way or another, and I hope things look up for you again soon....

Some questions and comments:
*how old is your brother and why do you have to have sole responsibility for him???? there are lots of groups out there that help people with disabilities live on their own.
*how old are your children???? take away all their comforts until they do their part and help out.
*DH, he should be behind you all the way because if momma is unhappy the whole house is unhappy.

JMHO,
leezza