Ugh!!! In-laws!

[Cricket1]

Well, with Thanksgiving almost upon us, I'm getting crankier and crankier and I know it's b/c I'll be spending time with the inlaws!! They are nice people, but I find as they age they're getting more and more miserable. They would never be mean to anyone's face, but it is SOOOO hard to please them. They are always talking about how they've "been burned" by others and how you can't trust anyone.

They are also perfect. I've spoken up to them before about how I disagree with them on certain things (my kids, for instance) and then they get completely bent out of shape and give the silent treatment. Hours after we get home, the one who didn't get bent will call and ask for an apology and point out what we did wrong.

Here's an example: last year my kids (ages 4 and 2 at the time) didn't sit down very long to eat, but they had some food and I felt they ate enough. My mil did not so she spent the next hour telling them what to do. Then my oldest son was blowing through a straw at his brother (there was nothing in the straw--he was just blowing air). My youngest loved it and they laughed about it. My fil yelled at my son to stop blowing his germs around. I told my fil that I didn't feel that they were doing anything wrong and so he didn't talk to me for a while.

Sorry this is soooo long of a rant and if anyone has any suggestions, I'll gladly take them! We have drastically cut down our time that we spend with them because they are hard to be around. My dh is fine w/them bossing our kids around, but I'm not. I have already told that on Christmas, they are invited to our house for two hours only. I just can't be around them that much b/c they drive me nuts and then I wind up chewing my dh out for things when we get home.

Help!

[yankeegal]

Cricket,
I feel your pain! Oh my goodness-your situation sounds a lot like mine did when DH and I were first married, with small children. My MIL is the expert on child-rearing, cooking, housekeeping-you name it.She did everything right, and I did everything wrong. I used to dread the holidays until one day-DH put her in her place. Firmly, but gently. Told her that while he appreciated all she did for him as his mother, he did not appreciate her belittling the mother of his children, period. I think it is hard for anyone to be critical of their parents, but I believe there is a way to do it-tactfully and with love and where it is your hubby's parents, sounds like it will be up to him. Things were really tense for awhile. We have since worked it out. I still bite my tongue a lot, and some holidays still require that little extra bit of specially spiked eggnog, but knowing DH has "my back" makes all of the difference.

[Cricket1]

LOL!! Yes, some holidays do require beverages, don't they?!?!? DH has said things to them before, but they're slow to take a hint. Even when they are beaten over the head with that "hint".

[Darlene]

I'd go visit and then come home to eat. We've been doing it that way for years and it really made things ever so much better. On Christmas we stay home all day. Holidays are for relaxing & enjoying. Wishing you luck.

[lottaLove]

This sounds very familiar. I wonder if the second DH puts that ring on your finger your MIL magically knows everything? To get our DMIL's offending behaviour to stop (when I was home with the baby, my house was spotless....when I was raising my son, this is the way it was done.....bla bla bla bla!!!), I kindly and respectfully (well ok I quietly, while biting the inside of my cheek) told her that while I appreciated hearing stories about what her life was like when she was a young mother, and while I thought it was wonderful to know that whenever I needed help, I could always ask for advice, she had already had her chance to enjoy raising children. Now it was time for her to sit back, spoil her grandchildren rotten, and let me and DH learn for ourselves how difficult yet rewarding it is to be a parent. I told her that by constantly bossing every aspect of our lives, she was taking from us the joy that she had the first time she got to enjoy every aspect of being a parent.

I won't lie, she still puts her two cents in where it isn't welcome every once in a while, but she no longer questions my parenting skills. If me and DH make a decision, then our decision is no longer under speculation. My MIL and FIL no longer try to act as parents to their grandchild, instead they sit back and enjoy their time together instead of being so darn critical all the time.

I would definitely say the month or so of tension that existed was well worth the peace that followed!!!

[dmvezina]

Good luck!!

My mil is one of those people that always says she's going to come, even picks a date & everything, and then is a no show!! I think I'm kind of glad!! LOL

[nwmissourigal]

I have a very dear mil. But she is 81 and I am seeing as she gets older it is harder to please her. I am trying to stay neutral with my kids. I just want to be a grandma and spoil my grandkids..some say to much...but I raised my kids and was the "meany" and I am not going to do that now and I do have one daughter that has "the mil from you know where"...The holidays are pretty enjoyable. My mom and dad are both gone, so I just try to enjoy my dh mom as much as I can...Blessings...kathy

[Telephus44]

I have a different issue with my MIL - not sure I'd trade, LOL. My MIL just constantly buys things for us because she was "poor" when she was just married and had her babies, so since she doesn't want us to be in the same boat she buys us everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. We didn't want to take a vacation with them to FL because DH had just started a new job after 10 months of being unemployed and we were trying to save money, so she bought us a timeshare (no kidding! We have the title) so that we couldn't say we can't go on vacation because we can't afford it. Since my son was born before my baby shower, she went out an bought us everything she thought we'd need - even though I had my shower the day he came home. So we now have twice the amount of stuff we need (and no where to put it). She is a terrible spendthrift and while I can try and reserve judgement when she fills up her own house with "stuff" I find it a lot harder when I just keep getting things from her. I always suggest "maybe later" when she brings things up. DH won't confront her directly, but he'll drop some hints that she never gets.

[YankeeMom]

I'm feelin' ya.
My FIL is the SAME way. He's so grumpy. Even youngest ds isn't looking forward to going. He's only five and said to me, "I like Grandma, but Papa is MEAN!". And sadly, he is. Not abusive, just grumpy, cranky, impatient, etc. There's only so much of that man I can take. What gets me more than anything is that dh, mil, and all the other inlaws LET him do it. They let him walk all over them & their children and they all stand aghast when I stand up to him. Thankfully, over the years dh has come to see that what his father does is not right and he supports me completely.

Alcohol helps. I'm bringing two bottles of wine tomorrow. I might share

[Cricket1]

Funny, the common thread seems to be alcohol in large quantities!!!! Telephus, my mil buys, buys, buys as well. I think it's truly the only thing that brings her happiness. The stuff that she gets is always plastic junk toys that just wind up trashed a few weeks later. Last year I told her that she needed to stop buying my boys so much stuff and she said, "If you don't like it, just donate it." Okey dokey! DH has told her numerous times that if she would like, we would be more than happy to accept donations to their education accounts!!

Well, perhaps I should start drinking now and just attend totally comatose!! LOL. My sister has one of these mil's too and she admits to drinking heavily when she needs to spend time with her. So much easier with my family--there's four of us girls and if we don't like something, we just tell the other one to knock it off. Hmmmm....novel concept, being honest and direct.

[Amanda W]

Hmmmm....novel concept, being honest and direct.

Isn't that a great idea? It would never work with my DH's family. Whenever I'm upfront about something I don't like or feel is wrong, they act like it's completely not my place to say anything about "their" family.

I wish you luck though! I volunteered to work tomorrow, so I get to skip out on Thanksgiving at their house!

[Stella]

I used to have a BF and his mom complained ALL the time. I would have to shut my mouth when we went to visit her. Unfortunatley she lived 5 hours away so it was always a weekend trip for us.
My BF parents are really nice, but man his mom can talk. And she tells the same story 4 times like you have never heard it before. More annoying than anything. Oh, yeah and his father is always right, no matter what you might say.