I am not ready for the teenage years

**justpeachy92** · 01-26-2007, 09:04 AM

My oldest dd is 13. She has me so angry right now. I really thought I was doing well raising her and now I feel that I have failed, gone wrong somewhere...missed putting the fear of god in her. We have talked to the kids so many times about what is appropriate, what we expect of them, internet safety, sex, drugs etc. Well Wed. evening I found out she opened a myspace account, even though she didn't have permission to do this and has been told within the past year that she can't have one. So as of yesterday morning she knew she was in major trouble with one heck of a grounding for having the myspace account, but when I read things on there she wrote, and what here internet friends wrote I was shocked. Then to top things off I get a call from her school principal yesterday afternoon, she has been suspended from school because she skipped class and was caught making out with a boy at school. I am so emotionally drained right now, last night we had a long talk and laid down the rules for her and future consquences if things don't change. She has gone from straight A's on last report card to C's on the current one. We rent and I love the neighborhood we are in, but my dh and I have agreed that we will move when our lease is up in June if that is what we have to do in order to get her in a different school away from these friends. What gets me the most with our talk last night, she admitted that she doesn't feel ashamed for what she has done, she just hates that she got caught. Right now I really wish my babies weren't growing up and the biggest stress in my life with being a parent could be getting my 2 year old potty trained. Though if anyone has any advice on how to get through these years with teenagers easier I am open to suggestions.

**i.m.cheap** · 01-26-2007, 09:57 AM

I feel your pain! I went through the same thing with my daughter, now 28 years old. It was not a good time. I cried, we went to counseling, she even spent a year in a group home for girls after running away from home six times in 15 months.

Maybe I am not the one to be giving you advice, so here is a hug

**Megareader** · 01-26-2007, 10:06 AM

The teenage years are definitely rough. My dd is now 18 and we are finally getting along. Hang in there, it will get better.

**cheappearls** · 01-26-2007, 10:43 AM

I don't really have any advice besides keep talking to her. I really hope things get better.

**Hollyhandi** · 01-26-2007, 10:57 AM

Hugs to you.
Keep the lines of communication open .
Your in for a rough ride . ( moving will not help, there are that kind of friends everywhere, believe me I know )
My son has a myspace and he knew when he opened it what he had to watch out for. ( JMHO but when you ban a kid from something they will move heaven and earth to get it their way. My space can be a decent place just let your dd know she's going to be monitered at any time and she won't want it anymore also JMHO )

**Hollyhandi** · 01-26-2007, 11:02 AM

Good Luck. ( It will get better )

**Neeley** · 01-26-2007, 01:09 PM

Originally Posted by Hollyhandi

Hugs to you.
Keep the lines of communication open .
My son has a myspace and he knew when he opened it what he had to watch out for. ( JMHO but when you ban a kid from something they will move heaven and earth to get it their way. My space can be a decent place just let your dd know she's going to be monitered at any time and she won't want it anymore also JMHO )

I was going to say the same thing. I believe if something is forbidden it makes someone want it more.
I allowed my 11 year old and 13 year old to have a myspace page and a Xanga page. At the same time I got my own page as well in an effort to monitor their activity. They were all into it for a while and now it has lost their interest and they only look at it once in a blue moon.
DD loves a couple of other websites that are for people of all ages. So we have a "2 hour/hands up" rule in our house. First she is only allowed 2 hours of internet time per 24 hour period. Second, at anytime her dad or I will shout "hands up!" at which time she has to immediately raise her hands in the air. This gets her fingers off the keyboard and we come and look at what she is doing. If we just walk up behind her or come over and look she could easily close a page she may not want us to see, etc..Hand up gives her no time to change pages. Plus we check her internet history frequently. So far the only crime she has committed is using the word b*ch once in a story she wrote.
I do not have any advice on the skipping class. We are homeschooled and I am not sure I could give good suggestions on that.
DD has a boyfriend and I know she has kissed him, because she told me. I am ok with that - 13 is a normal age to get your first kiss. (they only see each other in person about once a month so I know they are not doing it daily)I am not sure how I would handle the "making out" though. I do believe if you make her friends off limits it will probably only make her want them more - like the Myspace thing.
I agree with previous posts in that you should keep the lines of communication wide open. I know sometimes as a parent I forget what is was like to be a teen and all that teens have to go through. Raging hormones, middle school cruelty, the need to fit in or be totally outcasted, asserting independence, and just trying to find your own way - it can be really tough for the teen and the parents.
I am sure it will get better. You know your daughter best and what is the best way to handle her - follow your heart and head. Good luck!!! Keep us posted on how it is going.

**justpeachy92** · 01-26-2007, 02:12 PM

Thanks for the advice and hugs. It is all greatly appreciated. Right now she has is not allowed on the computer unless it is for school work and she was told she will be monitored then. She will be monitored more when she earns back more computer time, and I like the idea of the hands up rule. With 3 kids younger then here it is about impossible to be right here watching the oldest at all times. I think she is aware of the fact that I have a toddler that keeps me on my toes and she has used that to her advantage. I agree moving sounds extreme, but we knew when we moved here from Fl, it was temporary till we got in a better position to buy a house. I do remember what it was like to be a teen, and in our talk I did share some of the issues I faced and told her she can ask me anything and I will always be open and honest with her. I just want her to make it through these years and not compromise who she is.

**jamie79** · 01-26-2007, 02:22 PM

Welcome to the teen yrs. I have two of them. Just remember this too shall pass

**yankeegal** · 01-26-2007, 03:55 PM

The teen years are hard...they know everything, or at least think they do. I think you are doing the right thing. When our DS started to "slip" into unsavory behaviors, private school and military school brochere's(sp?) started showing up at the house. He knew we weren't going to fool around. Things got a lot better pretty quickly. Hang in there.

**Darlene** · 01-26-2007, 04:09 PM

I agree with much of what's been said. She's testing the boundries as many teens do. To me the biggest thing is for you and hubby to be a united front, privileges are earned and always follow thru with other parents (call them)to know that your daughter is being supervised. Offer to have her friends hang at your house, that way you can keep an eye on things. She needs freedom with boundries. Good luck & I know it's hard. Dd & i butted heads for years & now she's about 22 and we are very close.

**JEM** · 01-26-2007, 05:23 PM

I have two teenage girls!

dd1 is 16 and dd2 is 14. They are both in high school. I think with dd1 it is getting better although she was threatened with a grounding last week for the way she was responding to me and it has gotten better. DD2 has been and will continue to be our big challenge she too went on and signed up for MySpace. But she signed up as an 18 yo. We let her resign up again with correct age 13 at the time. She also made a MySpace account for her sister both with correct ages they never get on it.
We had them watch all those shows they had about it and neither was interested to go on anymore.
Neither have been suspended but have had detention in Middle school. The only thing that helped with dd2 was Color Guard she loves it and will do anything to remain on it. Good luck and hugs

**claimsgirl66** · 01-26-2007, 06:20 PM

I wish I could tell you it will get better, but likely you will be tested many times. Sometimes you need to pick your battles. We did keep the computer in the dining room so use was monitored. One time my dd got too "mouthy" & pushed my buttons to hard, and I did make it perfectly clear that no one speaks to me that way... I did not tolerate that kind of language and attitude from customers, strangers etc...so what made her think I was going to tolerate it from sassy teenager? My dd is 22 now & tells me she realizes how trying she was.
I used to chat with other parents at high school functions who had both boys & girls and my informal poll showed girls were "worse" than boys and that while we love them dearly, teenage girls can be horrible creatures.

I do agree with one of the other ladies that school activities seemed to help. My dd was in a couple of sports so I knew during those seasons she toed the line & got decent grades or otherwise she would not have been able to participate in those activities.

I will paraphrase a favorite line of mine from "The Golden Girls "( one of my favorite TV shows); Dorothy's son was marrying someone she did not approve of, but she said she would do what mothers have been doing for years: smile and bite your tongue & then complain to anyone who will listen

**kabin63** · 01-26-2007, 06:26 PM

I have a 13 year old DD. I am beginning to see the way things are changing. Well, I felt just like you last August when she turned 13. Imagine, this is a kid that didn't want anything to do with boys, etc...
She goes to a school dance 1 1/2 weeks after school starts and comes home with the announcement that she has a boyfriend. The nerve of her!...LOL Just kidding. I thought I was going to cry though, but she's been pretty good. I know they hold hands, but she says that she isn't ready for the kiss yet. I don't know why though. Everything about her has changed this year. She wears almost all black, nail polish too, wants her hair dyed (I let her go Black/Brown), etc. I figure that at this point it's better to choose the battles, so to speak. She hasn't asked about opening a myspace account, but wants to know if she post to boards like I do here. I haven't ok'd it yet, but I suppose I will have to give her a little room eventually.
I went through this stuff with Dh's girls already, but truthfully they aren't my kids. Although we did have our struggles.
Best wishes with your DD. I know it will all work out eventually. Keep talking and keep those lines open. Someday she will wake up and find out you aren't so dumb or out to ruin her life. I know, easier said than done, but man 7th and 8th grade were my hardest years.

**LastDragonfly** · 01-26-2007, 08:53 PM

Hugs to you my dear,

This is what I would do, it picks up where you finished your story. I would ground dd from any computer, phone, extra activities for until the next grading period. Unless there was a marked improvements on grades the grounding would continue thru to the next grading period.

I would give her incentive to pull herself back together: ie, "we are considering moving", and I would tell her that when the grades come out on the report card w/o further behavior problems at home or at school she could open a Myspace account. The catch being that everyone of her friends, MUST ADD YOU to your new myspace account. First time that doesn't happen....no computer time. You will still be able to log into your account and check to see if she is logging on behind your back.

As for kissing a boy, well, what can I say except thank god it was only kissing. I would let her know that it is natural for her to be curious, but if I were you, I would gross her out by talking about everything else she needs to know about what happens when she doesn't kiss anymore. I'd show her gross pictures, give her pamphlets etc. Of course you don't want her to totally tune you out, but you get my drift.

Mostly I think you are crushed because you feel betrayed. I'm sorry honey, I wish I could tell you that they will magically grow up without giving you more pain than childbirth, but that would be a lie. This too shall pass...Like a damn kidney stone!
Hugs honey. Keep us posted.

I've survived my son-22, dsd#1-21, dsd-17 and dd-16 (or at least I think I'm surviving), of course I've got two more dds to go.