Who pays the bills in your house?

**Marie78** · 02-22-2007, 03:24 PM

I am wondering how you and your SO divide the bills and make it month to month? I have been going through a personal dilema with the bills. I have been unemployed for about 5 months now and I only get around $1,000/month to live on. I have a feeling that I will be making less once I go back to work. The only options in my area are full time entry level jobs at ~$7/hr or part time jobs, some paying as high as $8-$9/hr. Either way, it doesn't seem like I will likely make much more than $1,000/month take home. Between paying for half the cost of our apartment, utilities, and then my own bills (college loan, car loan, car insurance, health insurance, cc minimum, food, and gasoline) I pay ~$1,200/month to cover everything. Then there are those extra expenses like dental work, gifts, and misc that I don't have any money for.

My fiance makes ~1,400/month and has less bills to pay then I do. He pays for half of our apartment and utilities. Then his own expenses are (car loan, car insurance, food, and gasoline.) His car loan is $100 less than mine and his car insurance is a little less too. He won't have to start paying his college loan for another 3 1/2 years. He also has a $7,000 EF for himself.

My problem is that we have been together for 4 years and living together for almost 2 years. I moved here to be with him. The area we moved to is very economically depressed. I didn't have a job when I first moved here and he still made me pay half of the bills. In fact, he paid them upfront and then he made me pay him back the money for my half of the rent and utilities after I found a job. I wasn't able to save any money for myself and then I was let go from my job, without an emergency fund saved. Ironically it was the month that I made my last payment to my fiance.

I had to borrow $300 from him this month to have a bad tooth worked on. He expects that money back too. I just want to know if this sounds right to people? It seems like I should be paying for a percentage of the rent and utilities based on how much I earn. If we did that, I might at least be able to break even with my bills each month. It just seems like together we bring home $2,400/month. That seems like it should be more than enough to cover our expenses. I know my fiance isn't struggling financially and hasn't been since we moved here. That's all I have been doing since I moved here, I have been financially struggling to keep my head above the water. He thinks that he is "helping" me by making me pay him back what he lets me borrow. After 4years I am just disgusted with this money situation. He doesn't want to get married until he's closer to finishing grad. school. This means that I could theoretically struggle financially for 3 1/2 more years.

I have tried to talk to him about our money situation. He says that he shouldn't be expected to pay more rent and utilities just because I can't afford them. His solution is that I should work 2 or more jobs to afford my expenses. My solution was that we move to a less expensive apt. We actually don't pay very much here and we have heat included. It's a safe area and we have enough space for us and two cats. I am sure he would hate to move from here and suffer in a smaller apt. He likes to have a lot of space. What he doesn't understand is space is money, and I can't afford what we have. I was just wondering what other people do? It seems like if I am engaged to this man there should be more combining of the income to better the both of us, not just to better him and fluff up his already funded EF.

**cheappearls** · 02-22-2007, 03:37 PM

IMO, if you are going to get married it shouldn't be "your money, my money". I haven't worked since me and DH got married (SAHM) but it's our money, no matter who makes it.

You "borrow" money from him? Why doesn't he just give you money because he loves you? That's kind of like giving you a gift then expecting you to pay him back for it. If you plan on getting married, why not start acting like it together? A wife does borrow then pay back her husband (At least I hope not.).

I'm just trying to wrap my mind around this. Good luck in figuring something out.

**IntlMom** · 02-22-2007, 03:39 PM

Well, in our house, I do the work of the actual paying of the bills. But they are OUR bills. We don't divide up our home between his/hers - everything is OURS. It really is so much simpler that way.

**IntlMom** · 02-22-2007, 03:40 PM

Originally Posted by cheappearls

IMO, if you are going to get married it shouldn't be "your money, my money". I haven't worked since me and DH got married (SAHM) but it's our money, no matter who makes it.

You "borrow" money from him? Why doesn't he just give you money because he loves you? That's kind of like giving you a gift then expecting you to pay him back for it. If you plan on getting married, why not start acting like it together? A wife does borrow then pay back her husband (At least I hope not.).

I'm just trying to wrap my mind around this. Good luck in figuring something out.

This is actually exactly what I was thinking....I was just trying to be a bit more diplomatic about it!

But your way was much clearer!

**Darlene** · 02-22-2007, 03:49 PM

Please don't marry a man who is like this with money & treats you like this. To have you in pain with your tooth, borrow from him & he expects you to pay it back...What's it going to be like when your married? What he's doing doesn't seem very loving.
I do not work outside our home. My husband & I are a team and share whatever money comes into this house. There is no yours or mine there is ours. All big spending is discussed. He makes the money, I pay the bills.
This is one of the major building blocks to a sound marriage.
You deserve to be part of a team, not on a seperate one. Being engaged is the time that gives you a major glimpse of whats ahead for you. Warning flags are all over the place. Personally I'd consider this a life lesson, move back home to be closer to friends & family & move on. You probably know alot of this in your heart, I wish you well, really.

**annymoll** · 02-22-2007, 04:02 PM

I pay the bills in our home. I am a SAHW( kids have all flown the coop). All money in the home is OURS.All financial holdings, stock, savings and
investments belong to us both. All household accounts are ours together.We have life insurance policies set up to protect the one we love in case of death.I worked before we were married , and for some time after our marriage. We always put our money together,saved first from it, paid bills, and took care of everything together.I have an account of my own that I play around with, husband is listed on the account as well.
I would'nt be living with him.

**ritabelle** · 02-22-2007, 04:11 PM

Ever since we got married, all our money has gone into a joint account. Sometimes I make more, sometimes he makes more, but all the bills are paid from the joint account. I am the one who pays all the bills so I give him his "allowance", his money that he doesn't have to account to me for, and I have my own as well. Then we discuss any large purchases before we make them.

In relationships where the money is still divided, the most logical and fair split I've heard of is to figure out what percentage of the income each of you bring in (him 60%/you 40% or whatever) and then the usual amount of bills, and you each put into a joint account your percentage of the bills (if the total is $1000 in bills, then he puts in $600, you put in $400). You each get to spend freely the remainder.

Why should you be penalized because you make less money than him? And the option to move to a smaller apartment should be one you make together. My personal problem would be what happens if things don't change and you owe him some huge amount when you get married? Does it go away or does he ask for monthly payments from his new wife?

If it's going to be 2 years until you get married, and the job market is that bad where ya'll are living now, he should think about why you're living there with him instead of somewhere you could have a better job and make more money.

**FrugalMomof3** · 02-22-2007, 04:46 PM

I agree that there shouldnt be your money and his money especially if you guys are deciding on getting married. I dont feel you should have to "borrow" money from him, he should be willing to give it to you without asking for repayment, that sounds a bit like a red flag to me. I think you need to re-think this relationship because if things like this are already happening now, what can you expect once your married?

I dont work, my DH does but whatever money comes into the home is ours together, I think you need to have a heart-2-heart discussion with your fiance about things or maybe it's time you moved on, but that's JMO.

**wanderlusting** · 02-22-2007, 05:15 PM

Me and DH lived together for two years before we got engaged. Living together is supposed to test the waters to see if you want to get married. If you don't want to live your married life like this, you should sit down and have a talk. When you want get pregnant, does he expect you to work 2+ jobs to pay your "half"? Or if you don't plan on kids, what if you get ill?

When we were just living together, we kept seperate accounts but DH paid a bigger percentage of the bills since he worked a good full-time job and I was part-time employed and a full-time student. We pretty much made sure we had the same amount of spending money and then the rest went towards bills and savings.

**wanderlusting** · 02-22-2007, 05:17 PM

Originally Posted by FrugalMomof3

I dont work, my DH does but whatever money comes into the home is ours together, I think you need to have a heart-2-heart discussion with your fiance about things or maybe it's time you moved on, but that's JMO.

Tracy you do work! You run a household and are raising three kids!

**Ani** · 02-22-2007, 05:21 PM

Wow, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation! I would not put up with that if I was you.

I make quite a bit more money than my hubby does, and we never even think about it. It just all goes into our bank account and all of our bills come out of the joint pool and we share all of the rest of it for the groceries and gas and fun money that we need. There is no "his" or "mine". I would never dream of it. It's been like this since we were engaged. If I made him "borrow money" and "pay me back" he'd be forever in debt to me! lol

I really hope you're able to sort this out with him. This does not sound like the makings of a stable marriage, sorry to say.

**FrugalMomof3** · 02-22-2007, 05:30 PM

Originally Posted by jennybethg

Tracy you do work! You run a household and are raising three kids!

Thanks and your right, and I think I do a pretty good job, lol I am also the housekeeper, wife, taxi cab, accountant, bill payer, etc,

Thanks for reminding me!

I am the type of person that doesnt believe bills/money should be split, if your in a relationship where there is talk of marraige then no, no 50/50 but if you just starting dating and got an apartment together than maybe things should be split but make it a reasonable split especially if one makes more than the other.

With that being said, my DH always made more than me and ALWAYS had more bills than me and we put our money together (except child support payments, I didnt feel I should be obligated to pay for these, especially to his ex-wife) but bills, car loans, student loans, etc we paid them without saying who had to pay what amount, etc... Relationships are joint, while to make a relationship last each person is equal 50/50 that doesnt mean the bills should be split that way.

MY DH used to have terrible credit and me, well I had a defaulted student loan back in the day, lol and we used OUR money to get back on track, even though he had wayyyyy more past debts than me I didnt care because I love him, there was no, "well this is my money and I am not paying your past debt/present debts for you", if that was the case I dont think we would be married. Relationships are working together and not separating everything is my point, I wish you the best of luck in what you decide but for me I would have a nice talk with your fiance. Again JMO!

**Cele** · 02-22-2007, 05:56 PM

This is a serious red flag. Ironically I don't the money is the real issue. It's control and lack of respect. He cares so little for your physical health that he "loans" you money to see a dentist? He thinks the answer is you holding down multiple jobs? What is this guy? The local banker? His behavior, IMO, is so very disrespectful to you. Not to mention mean-spirited.

I can tell you this: the things your SO does that bug you when you're dating are the things that will make you crazy after you marry. I hope you will consider the type of life you're signing on for with this guy.

**brainyblonde** · 02-22-2007, 07:12 PM

Originally Posted by Cele

This is a serious red flag. Ironically I don't the money is the real issue. It's control and lack of respect.

I agree with Cele. This man has major control issues that won't improve with a wedding band and a marriage license. (If anything, it will only get worse.) I also believe his behavior is selfish and immature.

Marriage is a joint partnership that is seldom 50/50. We pay our expenses from our combined income and always have.

**claimsgirl66** · 02-22-2007, 07:23 PM

I would be concerned too about committing to marriage if these are his views on money. It kind of seems, and maybe I am wrong, it is his way or no way when it comes to $$. And you guys should be a team.

I am also curious how he came to have these attitudes on money? Is this how he was raised? Did he come from a poor family so maybe he is really insecure about not having money?

The ladies are correct, I think a real heart to heart talk on money, its role in your relationship as you move forward, and where you both see yourselves and your finances 5 years down the line is in order. Better to get these things out in the open now! Good luck.