having a hard time with the passing of my dad.

**jinx** · 03-29-2007, 10:14 PM

I have been trying to go on with my life, but I am having a very hard time handling the death of my father. He passed last week. The funeral was on saturday. He was sick for a very long time, off and on for 15 years. It started with anyerism surgery, then leukemia, hernia surgery, a heart attack, emphsyma, the list could go on. Although everything he has been through he never complained. We used to call him the energizer bunny, not matter what happened he kept on going. But not this time.
several months ago he began to say that his stomach was bothering him. He went for a gi workup in nov, everything appeared okay, they thought it was a combination of meds and diet. All through the holidays I could tell he didnt feel well, but he always said his stomach was upset. After complaining to his physician he was sent for a colonoscopy, that was the end of Feb. They found stage 4 colon cancer, there were 3 large tumors, and one of them had preforated his bowel. Emergency surgery was done, there was peritonitis, but it was under control. He survived the surgery and was doing okay, the colostomy was healing. After a week in the icu he was moved to a regular room. 2 days later he asprirated, and a brocosopy was done, he oxygen level went so low that they put him on a ventelator.
I was his health care proxy, he had told me what his wishes were. Together with my mother we knew he wouldnt want to be on a vent. After discussing his prognosis with his doctors, my mother and I decided that if there wasnt any significant change we would have him removed from the vent, and stop all medical treatment except for comfort medicine. They didnt expect him to make it through the first night off the vent. He lived for a week and half more. He was very lucid at times, and at one point asked if it was okay with me if "papa let himself go" I said it was okay daddy. My mother during all this was wreck. Her way of dealing with something like this is to deny it, but she knew what was going to happen.
I spent a whole month at the hospital with my dad. I spent an average of 10-14 hours a day with him. I promised he would not be alone. When He was being wheeled into surgery, he asked me not leave him because he was scared. I had to take leave from my job. which wasnt a problem.
I was with him when he died he wasnt alone, i promised.
Together with my mother we made all the funeral arrangements, now I am in the process of handling all his affairs. I am an only child, and my parents had an old fashioned marriage. My dad handled the business end, and my mother only had to deal with cooking, cleaning, taking care of me when I was a child. It worked for them for over 50 years.
I miss my dad, I still want to pick up the phone to call him. MY two ds are also having a hard time with this, but they seem to be handling it better than me. I thought that if I wrote about this it would make me feel better, I hope it will.

**jamie79** · 03-29-2007, 10:20 PM

Give yourself time. Its only been a week. My mother passed last May 10th so I know how you are feeling. She was sick for a long time too. It will get better I promise

**Libby** · 03-29-2007, 10:23 PM

jinx - Sorry to hear of your fathers death....nothing I can say or do will make your pain go away except for time. Cliche I know, but its true, you need to deal with it in your own way. If talking helps you and makes you feel better, feel free. We're all here to listen.

I know when my mom died I just shut down and holed up. Dropped out of university and hid. Took me a long time to get to where I am today but you know what, its all on my terms. I am now ok with my mothers death. Do what feels right for you - write it out in a journal, write it out in word documents for your eyes only. Print it and throw it away. Just get it out.

Do I miss her? Of course I do but the best I can do is know shes in a better place now and not in pain from all her medical problems, watching down on me laughing at me going through my life trying to figure out up from down. Im sure shes given me a nudge or two in hopes of sending me in the right direction.

If you wish, feel free to PM me to talk. *hugs*

**Missy** · 03-29-2007, 10:28 PM

big hugs to you.

I wish i could do something to take away the hurt. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Know that everyone is wishing you the best.

**northernmom2boys** · 03-29-2007, 10:32 PM

Im so sorry for your loss and I dont have any wise words Im afraid.I hope you find peace after time has passed....hugs

**Dixie** · 03-29-2007, 10:33 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree with Jamie and shorty, it takes time to go through the grieving process. My advice is to take all the time *you* need.

**fernykins** · 03-29-2007, 10:52 PM

Everybody handles greif in different ways...........Its ok to miss your dad......... I know I miss my mother and it will be 13 years in April. Take your time and handle it the way it seems right to you. Its only been a week. Big hugs and prays for you and your family
Fern

**wanderinggrandma** · 03-29-2007, 11:33 PM

Jinx you are a wonderful daughter. Your dad was very very blessed to have your loving care while he was so ill. You have watched someone you love decline, made hard decissions and ultimately lost your father. It is going to take time to heal and grieve. Somedays will be easier than others. It may really help to talk about your dad. Share the good times you had with other-your family, friends or cyber friends. Share your sad times, don't be afraid to lean on others. It will take time. The hurt and loss will fade.

**Marie78** · 03-29-2007, 11:42 PM

I am so sorry for your loss and you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

**mikandmari** · 03-29-2007, 11:50 PM

My Dad passed away in 1999. His suffering was similar to your Dad's, and your story brought it all back to me.

Time does ease the pain. Your story made me cry. But, I want to thank you... at this point, it's a good hurt... I can't explain it. I miss him, but I have so many good memories. Thank you so much for sharing. I can tell you had a great relationship with your Dad, and that is what would matter the most to him, that he'll live on in your good memories.

**Michelle68** · 03-29-2007, 11:55 PM

Jinx, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's passing. He was very lucky to have you with him until the end and you were lucky to be able to be there. This will take time to heal. Don't try to rush it. Just let us know if we can do anything to help you through it.

--Michelle

**cheappearls** · 03-30-2007, 01:05 AM

**pqb57** · 03-30-2007, 05:52 AM

I am sorry to hear of your loss. Prayers to your family. I think your father had a wonderful daughter.

Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright: for the end of that man is peace.
Psalm 37:37

**TheRootedNomad** · 03-30-2007, 08:00 AM

I'm sorry for you and your family's loss. I too cried at the very real emotion it evoked in me. I've watched my father's health decline recently and I find it very scary. I think there are very special connections in parent/child relationships and that there are never really words that can fully explain them, only emotion. Sending payers and hugs your way. (and hopeing you know what a wonderful gift you were able to give your dad by being there with him)

**kabin63** · 03-30-2007, 08:18 AM

Jinx,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father in 1998. I still miss him, but am finally at peace with his death too. I won't deny that it took me quite some time to heal from it. They say it takes, on average, 3 years to grieve the loss of a loved one. So, don't rush it, just take your time and grieve him, let yourself cry as much as you need to, it really does help.
There are many of us here that have lost one or both parents, so just know that we are all here for you. It's a process that we must all go through.
I will share that my FIL has been gravely ill for the last 2 months and there have been many shakey moments. I feel so much for what you have and are going through. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.