Grab your coffe girls....advice needed.

**FarmerSue** · 06-17-2007, 08:44 AM

My dad died one year ago. Throughout my life (35 years) I have always been close to my mom and when my dad got sick we were even closer. I came home as much as I could and it was really a long drawn out and very sad illness. Morphine played a major role near the end. When my dad was well he could be a bit of a grouch, although a cute grandpa teddy bear of a grouch. Fast forward 1 year, my mom has had a new boyfriend for about 6 months.....after 38 years of marriage. Now they want to shack up. My brother is recovering through cancer of the brain and he says he never sees her. I call and call, never around. She has been on two vacations with him to places close to my farm but never showed up here......she lives 8 hours away and couldn't manage a stop over. She never EVER talks about my dad EVER. Whenever I do she gets quiet and changes the subject.....I know he's over there and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings or whatever.

I know you're going to say back off and give it time. She and I have definitely hashed all this out, she knows how I feel and that we miss her. It really does suck. If you would have told me one year ago that I just lost my dad and in a year I wouldn't even recognize my mom I would never have believed you.

**tink** · 06-17-2007, 09:40 AM

I am sorry. It must feel kind of like you have lost both parents. It truly does suck. Grief does horrible things to people, and can make them seem very different from who you've always known them to be. It sounds like your mom is trying to pack as much "living" as possible into her days, and after watching her partner of many years pass, it probably has shaken her to the core. It is very hard, I am sure. It may be easier to be mindful that she is still grieving for your dad.

I wish you the best. And I know that today, of all days, you are feeling the loss of your dad. You're in my thoughts.

**miss_thrifty** · 06-17-2007, 10:53 AM

All i can give you is great big huuggssss for the loss of your dad!!!!
It cant be easy losing him and your mom moving on with a new life. It doesnt mean she didnt care about your dad. I think that its hard on her too but thats why she wont talk about him. hhuuggsss

**AmyMCGS** · 06-17-2007, 11:03 AM

I've seen it happen at work (nursing home)... after caring for an ill partner for a long time, people seem to quickly jump into a new relationship. I think some of it is from not knowing what to do with themselves now that their role as caregiver is over.

I'm normally not in favor of "shacking up", but at least she's not leaping into a marriage. Hopefully the relationship will run its course after a while, and she might return to the mom you've always known.

**leezza** · 06-17-2007, 01:46 PM

Sue,

First off I am so sorry for your loss, both in different ways. I think loss really does change people.

If I may make a suggestion: since your mom is in such a place right now you may want to find out about this guy and do some background checks and stuff......to make sure she isn't being taken advantage of. Also I don't know about canada but here in the US the SSI and some retirement plans you would be better off to shack up, (because if you remarry you loose all of the money).......I told my hubby that if anything happens to me to find someone nice and shack up......that way he could collect all that money I have paid into the system for so long.

I do hope that things get better for you soon.

Kind Regards,
leezza

**mikandmari** · 06-17-2007, 02:48 PM

What do YOU think of this guy? Does he seem trustworthy & well-balanced, or the 'smooth' type?

Is he pushing her to move quickly into a commitment? Or does he avoid you & your brother, and try to keep your Mom away from you two also? Leezza is right about doing the background check.... Do you think your Mom is a pretty good judge of character? Or an easy target?

On the other hand, if he turns out to be okay, and they are just so nutty in love (like teenagers) it will just be self-defeating to try and compete with the guy. After 38 years, your Mom probably doesn't know HOW to be alone.

I'm going through a similar thing... but I'M the Mom... my 20 year old son & I were always 'best buddies' from the time he was born (he was always very mature for his age). Well, he fell in love. His girlfriend is completely possessive and controlling

... she avoids our family as much as possible. He is constantly with her.

I've learned that if I try to compete, I will lose. He'll have to learn the hard way that this is NOT a healthy relationship. In the meantime, I've had to reassess our relationship... and learn to let go and move on with my life. (But I'm still waiting for the day they break up

).

**kaykwilts** · 06-17-2007, 11:03 PM

I don't know what to tell you but to just give you a

**jamie79** · 06-18-2007, 10:42 AM

I am sorry for your loss. It seems to me like your mom has a lot on her plate with the loss of her dh and her son being sick. It sounds to me like her behavior is a reaction to that and she maybe fears losing her son too so she is trying to pack more life into living. Do you see what I mean? Its not easy for you to stand by and watch this go on, I know. When people are grieving they act in all kinds of ways. Sending good thoughts to all of you

**Mamaw** · 06-18-2007, 11:43 AM

Perhaps your Mom is trying to pack as much living into her days as possible. She probably is at a loss without your father to care for and be with. I think I would try and check out the new boyfriend to be sure he is legit. If he is, I would invite both of them for a nice dinner someplace and try to get to know him a bit. Your mom probably needs your love and support and is afraid to ask for it. I know that I am not good about talking about someone who is gone that I loved very much and miss horribly. If the subject comes up, I will try to change it simply because I know I will sob my heart out and embarrass everyone around me. Most people lose patience very quickly with anyone who is grieving. I would bet some of your moms friends are telling her to move on with her life and to just " get over it" If so, she might be very uncomfortable talking about how much she loved your Dad. So long as you know that she loves your Dad, your brother and you then try and continue a relationship with her. If it means including the new boy friend, its still better than cutting off family ties. Maybe the relationship will seem much less attractive after everyone lets it go. Just my opinion and of course I dont know your family so take it with a grain of salt please. Either way, hugs to you! I hope it all works out.

**Edna_E** · 06-18-2007, 12:24 PM

Grief can make people do some wierd things, and it sounds to me like your mom is grieving and reacting to probably both the death of your dad and the months of caretaking prior to his death. They say that people should try not to make any major changes for at least a year after the death of a spouse, presumably because one is still adjusting for at least that period of time. She may be trying to fill in aspects of her life.

Also, however, you really can't control your mom at this stage of her life. She is not mentally incompetent, just making different decisions than you might want her to. The main decision you CAN make is to what extent you want to be a part of her life. That decision is always reversible if you decide to be very active and later want to bqack off, but may not be reversible if you decide to back off and later want to be closer. Think carefully.

Hugs and support to you. And if it helps any, I seriously considered throwing my relationship with my mom away after my dad died - she talked and it was mean and ugly talk.