Am I sacrificing my children's safety for financial stability?

**Daisygirl** · 07-29-2007, 07:23 AM

I feel like the worst Mom in the world, but I am making some tough decisions.

I know have full custody of my children, much to my delight. My exhusband managed to get the child tax benefit suspended ($392 a month) and is refusing to pay child support ($500 a month). Eventually it will all straighten out, but it could take 6 months for the government to get through all of their red tape and for them to track him down and start taking money off his pay for the children (at which point Mr. Deadbeat will probably quit said job anyway.)

My biggest expense, only $5 a month less than my mortgage, is childcare at $650 a month. I have looked for cheaper, there really isn't any. In Canada it is legal for kids to care for their siblings at the age of 11. Chloe is 12, and Rachel is 6. I found someone to drive them to school and back every day for $50 a week, and I am planning to pay Chloe $20 a week, to watch her sister before and after school. That cuts my expenses in less than half, totally $280 a month.

I feel so guilty! Do you guys think I am risking their safety for economic stability or am I over dramatizing the situation? I've tried talking to their idiot father and his response is unprintable, he will not help out. I leave for work
at about 7 am, they will be off to school at 8:30. They will get home at 3:45 and I get home at 5:20. They aren't allowed to answer the phone unless it is me, they aren't allowed to go outside or open the door for anyone. There are 3 neighbors I trust that will be home at these times, and I am 15-20 minutes away. A good friend works 5 minutes away in case of emergency. Chloe has taken and passed the babysitting course.

Input, ladies: what do you truly think of this?

**Libby** · 07-29-2007, 08:05 AM

Check with the city to see what the legal age for a babysitter is and if there's any conflicts of interest b/c its a sibling watching another sibling and be sure to ask if there's anything else you need to know etc - can you find this online?

I think it will all work out fine - you're worried and scared b/c its the first time you're doing this. Its perfectly normal. All parents are like this. My parents did the same with me - let me go to school on my own in the am and I had to call both of them when I was home from school too to check in and then had to begin a few chores. It made me learn accountability and responsiblity.

As long as the ground rules are all laid out clearly (aka posted on fridge) and BOTH of your daughters know what is and isnt allowed and expected then it will workout. Post all the necessary emergency phone #'s on the fridge as well as your friend who's 5 mins away, your work # and the names & #'s of the few trusted neighbours who would be around in that short time after school. Just establish boundaries and a potential 'chore chart' or 'routine' they must do until you're home from work - this way you know they're occupied and not up to anything in your absence.

PS: My older siblings never got paid to watch me when they had to. My parents called it "family duties" and explained it as this - no one paid them (parents) to watch us children

its just something that had to be done.

**mom21ofeach** · 07-29-2007, 08:14 AM

When I was 12, and my siblings were 11 and 9, we stayed by ourselves after school from 2:45 until 4:45. That was in the late '70's. We had very strict rules: no friends over, don't answer the door, don't answer the phone. We called our mom at work when we got home. If she needed to call us, she would let it ring once, hang up, then call back. That was her "signal" that we could answer the phone. This was waaaaay before caller ID!!!

I think they will be fine, but I can understand your nervousness! It would make me nervous too.

**Holly** · 07-29-2007, 08:22 AM

Since she's passed the baby sitting course and she of age to do it then it should be ok. ( Only thing I'd tell them is not to tell alot of people they are by themselves )
You have backup for the school and friends to help.
You sure are NOT a bad mother because you've went through alot to keep them safe.
They will be fine

**FrugalMomof3** · 07-29-2007, 09:08 AM

I dont think there is anything wrong with that at all, as long as she is old enough and knows the rules, my oldest DS used to watch his younger brother and sister all the time but for an hour here or there.

**TreasureFinder** · 07-29-2007, 09:33 AM

If you're nervous, can you just try it out for a few days a week to see how you feel about it? Do you have the option of hiring the other childcare for just part of the week at first?

**baxjul** · 07-29-2007, 10:08 AM

I think that they would be fine, she had the babysitting course, knows what to do. Do you think that she is responsible enough?

**Marie78** · 07-29-2007, 10:19 AM

My family couldn't afford to pay for a sitter either and at 11 (before you had to be be 12 in order to baby sit) My 10 year old sister and I would come home from school and lock ourselves in the house during the winter and stay there from 3-6pm until my mom came home from work. We were allowed to play outside with our neighbor friends (in nice weather) in their yard from 3-6 as long as is was in their yard. During the summer my grandma didn't live too far away ( a few blocks) and she checked on us to make sure all was okay throughout the day. I honestly don't remember what we ate for lunches during the summer. I wouldn't have been able to prepare anything more than a sandwich or cereal at that age.

We survived, and you have neighbors you trust to keep an eye out for your children. You should let your children know that the neighbors will be watching to make sure no one is invited over while you aren't home. It may make the older daughter think twice in a few years about inviting boys over to the house when you aren't home.

**bumplett** · 07-29-2007, 10:32 AM

Do you really want everyone's opinion?

I don't want to hurt your feelings, really, I don't - but I wouldn't do it.

Maybe it depends on the maturity level of each child, but my son is almost 12 and I will not leave him alone for any longer than 30 minutes ~ now given, my friends do tell me that I'm overprotective - and I have friends/family that have children in the same age range that come home after school by themselves - but the whole idea makes my skin crawl - there are far too many what-ifs - is it really worth it?

I'm sorry to be the party pooper - and I certainly don't think that it makes anyone a 'bad' parent to have to make these choices, but I couldn't/wouldn't do it.

**frugalfarmwife** · 07-29-2007, 10:40 AM

Ok first of all 20 wacks for the dead beat dad, GRRRRRRRRR men (and women) like that just frost my butt! HOW DARE HE not provide and put you in a position like that!

Now I'm one that thinks this situation COULD work out as long as there is a good support system set up for them, and they know that they could be checked on at any time.

Best of luck, and if you find him I'd be more than happy to take a wack or two at him!

kj

**jamie79** · 07-29-2007, 10:48 AM

Have you considered hiring a teenager that you know. The teen could come over in the morning and get them off to school and then be there for them when they get home. Yes it would cost you money but not what your putting out for childcare.
As far as the ex goes, I would NOT have any conversations with him about ANYTHING. If he calls and harrasses you I would document. Plus since he is not paying support I would change my phone number

**Michelle68** · 07-29-2007, 11:00 AM

In my opinion, as long as your older DD is mature enough to handle the responsibility, I think it will be okay.You've covered all the rules with them and you have someone to drive them to and from school and you have trusted neighbors who will be there in case of emergency. My mom was a single mother and we also had to stay at home when we were about the same age. (And I didn't get paid for watching my little brother.)She really didn't have much choice in the matter because she just didn't make enough money to pay for child care. It sounds like you're in the same boat at present.

--Michelle

**Neeley** · 07-29-2007, 11:31 AM

My DD was mature enough at age 12 to take care of herself and help look after her brother(age 10 at the time). They spent the entire summer at home. I had no reservations about it whatsoever. We started out by leaving them alone for short spurts and gradually added on to it. I worked at our family's business and had the luxury of being able to take whatever phone calls and leave as needed. DH also worked close by and could leave if needed.

You know your daughters best and I say do what works for your family. Good luck!!!

**YankeeMom** · 07-29-2007, 12:53 PM

I was in your exact position last year when I went back to work. I do feel your pain. I was soo soo soo guilty...and my oldest was 14!

You know your daughters better than anyone. If you feel they are responsible enough, you've taught them all the necessary skills they will need to take care of themselves for less than 2 hrs a day, and it's legal in your community, then you do what you have to do.

I can't say the guilty feeling will go away any time soon. It's been a year and I still feel guilt. Shoot, my older girls (ages 15 and almost 13) will have to walk 2 blocks to my boys' school and wait at the playground with them for 20 mins each day until I can get across town from my college class to pick them up. THAT is giving me hives just thinking about it. But part of growing up is letting them go. A little bit at a time. I don't like it, it's still not comfortable to me. But that's life I guess.

**Daisygirl** · 07-29-2007, 12:56 PM

Thank you all for your opinions. I like the idea of the chart of #s and rules on the fridge - I had not thought of that before. And of course I am not offended that some think it is too young. If you ask for opinions you must be prepared to receive them.

Chloe is really mature for her age. She has been babysitting neighborhood lttle ones for a while now (only when I am home for her in case of emergencies.) Both of them have always been very careful to follow whatever rules are laid out. My neighbors know that no one is allowed in and they know that the girls are not allowed out (not at this point anyway.) I have provided them with my telephone number at work as well.

Okay, deep breath, tomorrow is the first day.

D$*#% that deadbeat father of theirs for putting me in this position.