Need advice about a friend thing

[deadmort616]

About a year ago I had this friend. Lets call her Sam. Sam was my best friend.

I was moving out on my own for the first time and in with my boyfriend and I started to act really weird and freak out a whole bunch. Mostly I just turned into a crazy person. Sam went from being cool with me to not giving a rat’s ass. I would have talked to the crazy person before not giving a shit. But whatever.
So one day she was to come over but instead she didn’t call me and I was forced to wait for her at my house all day long. I didn’t have a cell phone and it didn’t occur to me to just not care. We made plans for the next day and she didn’t show up that time either. I got pissed off and told her to go away and that I was blocking her on the IM.
A few days later a friend of mine told me that she wanted to talk to me. I went online and unblocked her with the intention to fix this stuff. The conversation didn’t go very well. Basically at one point I was like “this is your chance and you shitting all over it”
And she said, “Well then I’m shitting all over it”. I think I signed out and then was all emo.
My boyfriend went online and asked her why she wanted to hurt me and she said, “Truthfully, I’m sick of her shit.”
I was sid for a long time after that and refused to talk to mutual friends for a long time.

Well it’s been about a year and I try not to think about what happened. I have grown up a lot and looking back I can see how childish and tightly wound I was.

I wish to wave the white flag but I don’t want to be rejected. I’m going back to collage in a few weeks and I don’t want weirdness.

What I need to see what was my fault and what was hers. I admit I was acting messed up. But because I was in the situation I cant see anything clearly.

Advice?

[latierra84]

wow.

ok, i had a very similar situation happen to me. i never reached out or tried to touch bases with her. three years went by. i found out that on july 18, she committed suicide and it broke me inside. i still feel extremely guilty because i never tried to get in touch with her, never tried to clear the air between us. and i regret it so much. a mutual friend of ours said that i should remember that she never reached out to me either and that she could have and that is true and made me feel not so bad, but still.. it is hard to deal with now that she is gone. id say.. try. even if its just an email saying that you think about her from time to time and hope that she is doing ok and that she's happy, and even if she doesnt respond, at least you know that you reached out.

[jenloveschip2001]

I know how you feel. I am going through a dispute with my oldest friend right now. She moved in with me and my husband 3yrs ago and I ended up kicking her out because she took avantage of my help. I could have gave her a chance to change the situtation but I was so angry I didn't really think before I acted.Not long after this happened we ended up making up. That was three yrs ago. She is one of those people that only call when she wants to brag about something or she is upset and needs someone to talk to. She never just calls to see how we are. I cofronted her on this and she has gotten mad and has brought back up what happend 3 yrs ago. I think she is depressed because her husband that my husband and me set her up with and her are having marriage trouble. When we kicked her out she went out the next day and married him after less than a month of knowing him. So I think she blames us for her being in that marriage, and that is why she is bringing that back up.I have tried calling her several times and she never calls back or answers the phone. She has sent me one e-mail and I e-mailed her back but she won't email again. I can't resolve this with her if she won't communicate with me. I would says to make an effort to work things out with your friend but if she gives you a hard time about it and won't let it go then don't worry about it. You tried your best and she is going to be the one missing out. Also there is a very good chance that she may act like you did during that period and then say wow I see why you acted like you did, it is hard sometimes to balance friends and boyfriends and life. And everybody makes mistakes. I hope everything works out.

[Dancing Lotus]

Could you send her an email or letter saying that you realize you were being crazy and you just want to clear the air.

[Darlene]

We've all done/said things we have regretted, good for you for owning up to something you didn't like about yourself and taking steps to change. Sounds like you've done some growing up, maybe she has too. I'd send her a card apologising for your behavior and ask if she'd like to get together and see if you can rekindle your friendship. Let her know about the positive changes you made and that you miss her. Worst thing she can say is nothing and then you just move on and consider it a lesson learned. Good luck!

[latierra84]

but........ dont keep someone in your life who just brings negativity. youve got to look out for yourself and keep things positive and in a good direction for you.

[OzFreeBird]

Is this a person you met through the internet?

I"ve found that even if you think you know someone really well, even if you met 10 years ago, for some reason if you met through the internet, the relationship won't ever be the same as if you originally met in a supermarket or interest group etc. I"ve had a few internet friends I considered close and have known (and met face to face constantly) for a decade and they have all gradually dropped off the wagon.

You have to think "why do I want to clear this up" and "what is in it for me". May sound cold but I feel that you meet people in life for:

- A reason
- A season or
- A lifetime.

Maybe you met her for a reason, and the time of your friendship is now over? Some friendships take a lot of effort and the giving/taking balance is out of whack. There is no point continuing a friendship where you won't receive your own fair share out of it. I call people who take more than they give "professional victims".

At the end of the day you are the only person who has to live with themselves - I have a feeling it might be your conscience talking and you still feel guilty about what happened and can't let go. Its not so much that you want to reinstate the friendship, you just want forgiveness and closure on your past actions so you can get on with your life.

Ironically often when you feel guilty about your actions or that you've done wrong, the wronged party doesn't see it the same way. They have usually moved on and have let it go - so again the only person who is carrying any sort of burden is yourself.

Only you have the power to forgive yourself. It really makes no difference whether you and your friend make up or not; if you haven't forgiven yourself, you'll never move on from this. Cut yourself a bit of slack and accept that we all make mistakes, and that sometimes the opportunity to redeem them never presents itself - forgive yourself and get on with life!

[FrugalMomof3]

You know they says "Men come and go but friends are forever" maybe in this aspect it may or may not be true BUT if this is a negative friendship then maybe it's better to let go, otherwise if it's important to you and so is your friendship with her, maybe send her an email or something. Best of luck and let us know how things turn out.

[kabin63]

I have learned that people come into your life for a reason, season or life time. The lifers are few and far between. The reasons are plantiful and the seasons come to stay for a while before leaving.
Give it a shot toward reconcilliation. The worst that can happen is no response, but at least you know you have tried.
I think we all have a few regrets in life, but hopefully we learn from them.
Best Wishes!

[deadmort616]

Is this a person you met through the internet?

No. A real person who goes to the same collage as me.

[Libby]

When I wrote off my friend or cut her from my life - it was easy for me and now 5 yrs later (? - approx?) I have no regrets. See she called me on becoming more and more distant and wondered why were werent hanging out as much and we simply grew apart as her sudden need to be one of the Jones'. Something I was never interested in.

I finally stopped ignoring her vm's and emails and replied once and it was mega long. Plenty of reasons, examples and possible solutions. I explained how truly hurt I was and outlined how and when she started changing and made sure it was clear enough as day for her to reflect back to who she was when we first met and became friends. Shes soooo not that person anymore.

She has never called nor replied to that email. Her time with me has come to an end and due to her lack of response - I gather she agrees. Or she has something to hide in which event, I dont need someone like that in my life. No 'professional victim' as someone else mentioned. She can go find another sidekick that WANTS to be used and abused at her whim.

Not this girl. Sometimes you just have to chalk up your losses and take the hit. And trust me, this one was well worth it. I am actually proud of myself for sorting out the bad from my life b/c as you see - my life has gone nothing but UP!

This is something you truly need to sit down and decide. Do you want this person in your life? Do you actully take from this person rather then giving? Will they enhance your life or just cause you anguish all over again? Sometimes paths cross but then again sometimes ties are made.

Which one is she?

[i.m.cheap]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe it is time to grow up now. If you are in college, it is time to stop acting like you are in high school. Your boyfriend should not be going online to ask your friend what the problem is.

Why do you "need to see what was my fault and what was hers"? Ten years from now will any of this make any difference? I would send a card, apologizing for any "crazy" behavior, and ask if she would like to remain friends. Then just forget it. If she responds, great. If not, life goes on.

[deadmort616]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe it is time to grow up now. If you are in college, it is time to stop acting like you are in high school. Your boyfriend should not be going online to ask your friend what the problem is.

That is not harsh. It’s insulting.

I told you that it was a year ago and I am different now. Much different. Reread my post before you tell me to grow up. You will see me telling you that I have. In fact, I even admitted to acting childish.

On another note, I don’t want to be friends with her. I want the wave the white flag. This means that we don’t hate each other but don’t like one another.

Do I want to be friends with this person?

No. She ditched me when I needed a friend most.

Does it bother me all that much?

No. Not really.

Why does it matter now?

She’s friends with my friends. We all act like a large clan and she’s part of it because she’s friends with them. This means I have to deal with her. I can’t just say, “ *-off” and then not see her again.

[i.m.cheap]

I am sorry you found my advice to be insulting. I have two daughters, one 29, and one 11. I would have given the same advice to my adult daughter if she had presented me with the same issue you did.

[deadmort616]

You advice was good.

The fact that you told me to grow up despite the fact that I admitted I was being childish was insulting.