How do y'all deal when....? (Sorry its a very long & personal reflection)

**Libby** · 08-21-2007, 11:40 PM

Just wondering ladies - also trying to get some tips to help me out here - how do you deal with something you thought was the best thing to ever hit your life and then realizing it needs to end and end now?

As odd as this sounds, this past weekend my bf and I were having a quiet night in after he got back from visiting with his son for the day and we were talking over our teas. A lot of things came out that we said we'd talk about later on when we had time and I guess this was it.

We talked about our future and how we were making plans and plans on the plans etc plotting if you will and then we started looking at the pro's and con's. We started realizing how different we are to each other and how we sometimes come back to the same difference of opinions. We both realized just HOW much we love each other but our love wasn't going to keep us happy and healthy in our planned future together including his son coming to live with us. There was never any doubt that love was lacking in our relationship.

We had toured model homes, open houses, read the newspaper ad's for apt's for rent etc. We decided he was going to live with me and my dad but we hadn't finalized it nor asked my dad how he felt. We figured out routines, routes for his commuting and local things he may need: banking for him etc - we were working on everything. The complete package believe it or not. I had never felt so sure about my future with someone until I met him. Everything was so easy - which for me is not right. Nothing is ever easy for me in terms of relationships so this should've been a huge warning sign for me.

Then we made a mutual decision to end 'us'. To break up and part ways.

We still love each other dearly and care about each other immensley and have super strong feelings for each other - we saw each other in our senior years. We really did - this wasn't part of the 'honeymoon phase' etc b/c of the committment we had towards each other and our planning.

I'll admit there were some issues but these are things on his end he needs to adjust but he's not ready nor willing but its something I could definately live with and work with him on until they went away but if he's not willing - I can't do a thing right? This is where we began to notice how opposites we are, how our circles would never have crossed and we would've never had met.

It saddens me that its over - but the break up is actually mutual. I was very upset at the 'end' being right then and there on Sunday afternoon. But Im also glad it ended on a good note - very friendly, well as friendly as could be. It wasnt a screaming match with words of hatred but it was also something we both really didnt want to do but knew we had to. Somehow, we just knew it was over. (If that makes sense?)

So here I sit - a few days later, things have calmed down. My questions were answered on Sunday and a short 5 minute phone call last night to really end it and give us our necessary 'space' to cool off and try to move on. I honestly think we can be friends in the future but he's the type to not be. But then again he's also told me he's never had a gf like me so it could be possible but he could also revert back to his old ways and I'll never see him nor hear from him again. This I acknowledge and will have to accept. Yeah I know its over, get over it - but I mean this is someone I was SOOOO in tune with not just close and in a relationship with.

Seeing as I've never felt this way with someone, this has me worried - did I just throw away my future? I know the answer is obviously NO but I cant help but think and wonder about it ya know? Hence me posting this thread - asking for help from my kind friends here at the village who are always there for me.

Funny thing is Im not looking at old pics and bawling my eyes out. I'm actually recalling all the things we had planned to do, places to visit in the short term and remembering all the good that we had and am just very sad that its over - kinda like the same sad as when you go to the store to buy something you've really wanted for eons only to find that its sold out everywhere or its sooo not what you thought it was with the hype and all - is that wrong?

I dont regret meeting him. I dont regret falling in love with him and being with him and yet I dont regret letting him go. Im sooo confused.

Sorry this is so long - thanks for reading.

You just let the best thing that ever came into your life walk out the door. How do you cope?

**leezza** · 08-21-2007, 11:56 PM

Shorty,

You sound very together to me, I am sorry for your pain and loss. It will take a lot of time to figure out what your next step in life will be, but it sounds like you are smart enough to know what is right for you and your life. I wish you luck and send positive thoughts your way.

Kind Regards,
leezza

**so68** · 08-21-2007, 11:56 PM

My heart really goes out to you. You definitely still love him. I think maybe you're still a little in shock over the whole thing, and that's the reason why the impact hasn't hit you. It sounds like you're wondering if this really was the right thing to do. Are you certain some things can't be changed? Is there a way you both can negotiate on some things? Think things through. There's a good chance he's reconsidering this too. Maybe he'll realize that those things he wasn't going to change maybe can be changed in order to save your relationship. Let us know how it goes okay?

**jacqueline** · 08-22-2007, 06:26 AM

i think you are so lucky to be able to be "adult" about things and both recognize that both of you would be better off separate than together. and now you have some great memories that aren't tarnished by the bitterness of a bad breakup (even if you do drift and never see each other again).
i've had so many relationships come to an end in very bitter ways. esp my last breakup. it has damaged me and the way i view relationships. in fact i have been single for the past 5 yrs or so (i kinda quit counting haha) but in looking at a silver lining--i do know what i don't want and won't put up with ever again so i did get some valuable information out of it LOL.
good for you that you are going on with life ~ the right one will show up and you can look back on it and know that this was a special someone on the path to the right someone. i don't think you sound confused at all....actually you and your ex sound pretty smart to me.
best wishes that your special fella is somewhere in your near future

**Daisygirl** · 08-22-2007, 06:56 AM

I had a relationship last year that ended in a similar way. I sill love him to pieces but came to the painful realization that there were certain things about him that were dealbreakers. The positive side of this is that loving such a wonderful person has really set the bar high for the next person. I won't just settle, and niether will you. You had 3/4s of the enchilada, honey. Now i is time for the WHOLE enchilada/ When I had this breakup I finally realized the meaning of the word "bittersweet." I am so sorry this has happened to you. We are all here for you if you need to vent.

In your maturity, you know that it is time to move on. I am glad the change came peacefully, because you can always look back on this relationship as a beautiful stepping stone to the rest of our life.

Hugs.

**frugalfarmwife** · 08-22-2007, 07:46 AM

Hugs to you shorty, been there, done that too.

Remember that everything that happens in your life has a reason and helps shape who you are.

Also know that you will always remember him fondly.

It's funny, just last week I was thinking about an old boyfriend (and dear friend) that I hadn't seen or talked to in over 20 years, I couldn't get him out of my mind. Finally I went and tracked him down and emailed him, he was in a town pronounced just like mine for business and had been thinking of me and the fun times.

It was the ONE good breakup in my life, he was from FL, I was from OH, we parted as friends on a very good note. It was so nice to contact him, he's happily married with two beautiful little girls and a wonderful life.

And the funny thing, the very first contact he told me that he thought of me so fondly because it DID end on a good note. He was SUCH a good guy and so sweet, but we never would have worked as a couple, I know that.

Maybe you'll drift apart, maybe you'll stay in touch, but know that this relationship has touched you and made you a better person in some way.

I hope you can have as many fond memories for as many years as I have

Hugs,
kj

**baxjul** · 08-22-2007, 07:55 AM

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It seems like you'll come out better for it though.

**frugalfarmwife** · 08-22-2007, 08:54 AM

You know, there's a quote that's really fitting for this, I'm sorry I don't know who first said it, but:

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

kj

**Libby** · 08-22-2007, 09:06 PM

Thanks ladies...Im still out in left field on this. Not sure how Im truly feeling but I can only imagine. My boss who's met my now ex bf knew there was something there b/c right off the bat I told her he's the one thats worth keeping. She had met a few other past bf's

She knew there was a connection right of the bat as well and has helped me through a lot of this past relationship. I admire her for this - she's kinda stepped in like a mother figure for me since I lost mine at 20 yrs when life just starts to happen.

I noticed today that Im getting upset and angry over the tiniest of things at work and work related but she has justified that it is indeed work b/c we're so mad at the same things. I just cant help wondering if I am secretly lashing out at others b/c of my inner turmoil. I dont want to do that nor intend to but subcionciously - I wonder if thats what Im doing?! I've asked her to tell me if I'm getting too excited over something or snippy as I dont want this break up to affect my work relationships. If that were to happen then this relationship would truly cost me a lot more then the best thing I had in my life

I think 90% of the time Im alright and then the other 10% I just float off into la-la 'what if' land. But as said earlier, Im not devistated. I must be stunned. There's no other way to describe it.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Boy have I ever smiled b/c I made a lot of relationships end

But no one seems to be able to answer my initial question: how does one go about trying to cope??? *scratches head*

**Daisygirl** · 08-23-2007, 05:17 AM

The only way I know how to cope with this kind of stuff is just grit my teeth and power through. It is not pleasant, nor am I particularly pleasant to be around in these types of situations, but I survive it. One morning you just wake up and you feel like living again. You just have to survive to the point that you get to that morning.

Big hugs and grit those teeth

**Luv2BeFrugal** · 08-23-2007, 06:11 PM

Hey Shorty...just wanted to send ya a big hug!

We're all here for ya!

**Libby** · 08-29-2007, 12:50 AM

Hey ladies - just wanted to say thanks for the support!

I've been laying low from the village and thought it was time to come and check in.

It's been about a full week w/o any contact from him. I have a frew friends who know of his wherebouts/going ons etc and they feel compelled to tell me what he's up to and with whom. I politely told them:

"Thank you but stop. I'm the one who was with him not you and even I'm not obsessing over him and STALKING him like y'all are doing."

Besides what's the point in knowing. It's not like we're going to get back together. And I think deep down, as much as I loved him and probably still do - I don't want to get back together with him. I just know it won't work out - atleast not at this point in our lives.

This past week has been busy which has helped however when asked "how I'm doing" etc I just reply with 'I'm doing fine' but lately I've been realizing that its not HIM that I truly miss (as awesome as he is). It's the actual fact of having someone to share my daily going ons with who cares about me and is truly interested in me for who I am with all my lil quirks. I hate to sound like a teen ditz here but I don't know if this is part of the healing process or if this is my way of showing me that it wasnt him that I loved or was meant to be with. What do you think??

I still think of him daily - things I come across that I know he'd like or enjoy and I'm pretty sure he's going through the same with me. I still think of the shortterm plans and committments we had made together for the fall and how we're not going to do them/honour them.

We can't just erase each other after being so close for the past 8-9 months. Well atleast "I" can't. Maybe I don't want to?

Signed,
confused

**FrugalMomof3** · 08-29-2007, 07:59 AM

Originally Posted by frugalfarmwife

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Wish I had known this quote a while ago, while I am not actually going through what you are going through now, I am in contemplation stage, for me I feel it's better to try and works things out BUT sometimes things dont always work out how we planned or imagined, I am envious that you are much braver than I. Sending big hugs your way

**ktsmama** · 08-29-2007, 08:40 AM

Please don't feel like you are the only person who feels this way. I have been divorced for going on 3 years and I feel the same way. Most days I just want someone there to share things with and talk to. It has started getting a little better. I guess we just have to take things one day at a time.

We are here for you!!

**mommy4ever** · 08-29-2007, 09:12 AM

Shorty, sometimes things don't work out as we thought or hoped. Sometimes those people remain a dear part of your heart and memories. I've a person much like you described in my past. We were very good together, we cared very deeply, even loved each other. But just weren't meant to be. It's a bittersweet things. Even now, it's been 12 years, that something will remind me of him and it tugs my heart. All the what ifs pop up. But I'm happily married with 4 wonderful kids so I don't want to change what happened. He's a bittersweet moment in time. He helped shape me for who I am today. As he used to tell me "The universe will unfold as it should, no matter how anyone wants to change it". You'll have learned from him, grown with him, and changed some for having known him. It will come into play at some point in your future. You two handled it all maturely, parted amicably, and will likely keep in touch in the future when the emotional turmoil passes. It's hard, especially when you were as close as you were, to let go.

I like what frugal farm wife said. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. You are lucky to have special memories of an ex-boyfriend. So many people have nothing but horror stories to tell of how things ended and what brought them there.