Has anyone here disowned one or both parents?(long vent)

[carlitasway]

My dad and I have had a very hard relationship. He is a very selfish spiteful man. My grandmother(his mother) died last weekend. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday I was going back and forth, bringing food, going to viewings, rosarys, and finally the burial. Monday night was the immediate family viewing. Even though my dad and I had not been talking for some time I went to hug him because I know this had to be hard for him. He was very close to his mom.

He didn't hug me back or even look at me. I just let it go. My main focus was on my grandfather anyway. He is a wonderful and gentle man. The next day was the rosary. I prepared a couple of baked goods and a couple of appetizers to take to the funeral home because my great aunt and grandfather and other relatives were there and stayed awhile. I was also taking grandpa wherever he needed to go. That night, I again tried to reach out to my dad. Again he wouldn't look at me. I offered him a sweet I had made and he barked how he couldn't eat sweets. His tone was extremely ugly. I was done trying.

The next day was the burial and lunch after. I didn't try again because quite frankly it really sucked being rejected like that especially in a time like this. My dad was not acting like this just because he was upset. He's always been like this. Maybe not to this extreme but still bad.

My sister is getting married next month. She gave my dad an invitation. At the lunch after the burial, he handed her a note. I saw her go off to the corner to read it and then saw her go out crying. The opening sentence to the note was "I got your invitation, I'm surprised you sent me one, I threw it in the trash." Then it goes on to say how we are mean to him and his wife and his wife's daughter. How I didn't go up to them. I can not communicate with his wife because she doesn't speak english. Plus, she didn't look at me at the viewing or burial either! Plus, I have a feeling she's been encouraging his distance from us the past few years.

Anyway, the note basically said we were bad children and he wants to be with his true family only. I wasn't that surprised because he's been ditching me for years since the divorce for his 'true' families. This is like his fourth one. My brother was a senior when my parents seperated and my sister was in college. I was 11 so I've been dealing with this crap for quite some time. I went back into the hall so I could pull him outside to confront him and they had left. F*cking coward. I offered to drive my nephew who is 15 back so my sister could cry and let it out without him in the car with her.

We said our goodbyes and left and stopped my a Dairy Queen because we didn't eat at the hall. My nephew asked why my dad wouldn't talk to him. I explained he had some issues he's dealing with right now. I felt so bad for him because he was a little hurt by it. My kids got ignored too by my dad but they are only 4 and 5 so they didn't know it, especially with everyone else giving them a ton of attention. I really love that side of the family. They have a bunch of get togethers but we never go to them because we never hear about them. They tell my dad to tell us not knowing we are at odds. So we never hear about any events.

I'm completely done. I've burried my relationship with my father with my grandma. I know that sounds harsh and dramatic but I'm tired of his tantrums. I will not be going to his funeral when he passes. Even if he were to apologize I wouldn't try because I know another tantrum is around the corner. I'm sorry this is so long but I just have to vent.

[VanVivCam]

I would get in contact with a family member to let them know you want to attend family events but are never told about them by your father. See if they will call you instead of letting him tell you.

Now, on to your bigger problems....rejection is a horrible feeling. My mother rejected her family when she took up drinking and screwing around on my father. It hurt like He!!....and it still hurts...10 years later. I would just want to encourage you to be the bigger person around your father...please learn from my mistakes...I went almost three years without talking to Mom and when I did, it was to cuss her out! (I am not proud of this, by the way). Finally, when Mom and I were able to be close again she told me she was dying. I only had a few months with her and the situation was horrible. I think about her everyday and wish on a star how things could be different.

I don't understand how parents can act the way they do sometimes, but they do. Just be careful what you say and do, you can't take back hard words and horrible acts.

I guess what I am trying to say is if you MUST talk bad about him, maybe you and your sister get a bottle of wine and let it all hang out. BUT, when you are around him and his "true family"...Kill them with kindness! Kindness is the best way to treat someone that Craps on you.

Good Luck!

[carlitasway]

I would get in contact with a family member to let them know you want to attend family events but are never told about them by your father. See if they will call you instead of letting him tell you.

Now, on to your bigger problems....rejection is a horrible feeling. My mother rejected her family when she took up drinking and screwing around on my father. It hurt like He!!....and it still hurts...10 years later. I would just want to encourage you to be the bigger person around your father...please learn from my mistakes...I went almost three years without talking to Mom and when I did, it was to cuss her out! (I am not proud of this, by the way). Finally, when Mom and I were able to be close again she told me she was dying. I only had a few months with her and the situation was horrible. I think about her everyday and wish on a star how things could be different.

I don't understand how parents can act the way they do sometimes, but they do. Just be careful what you say and do, you can't take back hard words and horrible acts.

I guess what I am trying to say is if you MUST talk bad about him, maybe you and your sister get a bottle of wine and let it all hang out. BUT, when you are around him and his "true family"...Kill them with kindness! Kindness is the best way to treat someone that Craps on you.

Good Luck!

Thank you. I am tired of being the bigger person. I have been for years. I'm sure my sister and brother will give him another chance if he comes around again. I just can't anymore. He always apologizes and then does something even more spiteful and selfish the next time around. I'm too emotionally tired to deal with our relationship anymore. I've tried so hard and so long.

[Jaded]

I disowned my entire family except for my children and my mother for 10 years. My closest in age sister and I had just started talking again, a reconciliation pursued on my part, not hers, right before she died. I'm glad we did, but still, we hadn't seen each other in over 10 years. The only living sister I have is a whack job, and I'm only nice to her so I can keep up with what's going on with my mom. I have one cousin on my father's side that stopped communicating with me when I was 17. I haven't seen her since then. Her mother and father, my dad's only brother and his wife, are dead. My mother's sister and I are on speaking terms, and I just "sort of" reconciled with that side of the family, but it's not like it used to be. When my mother dies, I doubt I'll talk to my sister anymore.

Rejection is the LEAST of what they did to me. You have to consider the source sometimes. Your father is obviously a disturbed man, and consider that he's been through 3 working on 4 wives, so the fault is not in you. Any father who would do what he did to your sister isn't worth talking to.

[3-boys-4-me]

First allow me to say that I am sorry to hear of your Grandmothers passing.
I have disconnected myself from my father. Haven't spoken to him in years. I still miss him terribly. I know that now you can't imagine forgiving your father. However, if in the future you have the opportunity to salvage your relationship with him, I hope that you will do so. I hope that one day I will have that opportunity.
I hope you're able to get over your disappointment, hurt and anger quickly. I know it's hard. I know what you're going through. to you and your family during this very difficult time.

[smk0817]

I don't speak with my father. He abandoned me when I was 4, only to try to re-enter my life when I was 23. It was all a game for him at that point. He was trying to impress some woman with "how close" he was with his family. Once he started calling asking for money (usually to bail him out of jail) I got smart to the situation. He's a loser, a liar, an addict, an abuser in every sense of the word. I don't feel badly for our relationship. It was his choice. I tried...he didn't.

[ms. frugal kugel]

I'm sorry to hear about your Grandmother - I bet she was wonderful.

I've had endless, evolving strained relationships with both of my parents, and now one of my brothers. I will never disown them, but right now I won't try and contact 2 of them because they are too unstable and upsetting. The only advice I can give you is to take care of your own needs and theneed to be treated with respect. Right now I am in a "ball is in their court" time with my mother and brother. They will do what they do and I can't help that - they're adults. I still send cards so they know I care, but I can't tolerate verbal abuse so I don't call them. Honestly I'd be thrilled with a kind gesture or word from them, but I'm not willing to go begging or degrade myself to get it (or more likely not get it). I endured years of a painful, stress induced digestive syndrome trying to have a "normal" relationship. Very bad for a person's health to be around this, and bad for your children and siblings too.

Don't waste time with being bitter or trying to "fix" your father. He sounds like the child in the family rather than the father. He may change, maybe not but it's up to him. I hope that helps to know you're not alone!

[DAAC3DEC]

SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.........IS YOUR FATHERS NAME TERRI, CAUSE HE SOUNDS JUST LIKE MY FATHER, ONLY I STOPPED TRYING A LONG TIME AGO, TOO MUCH PAIN AND REJECTION......GOOD LUCK!!!

[latierra84]

wow.

my mother and i were estranged for years. i left home at 17 and went to an out of state college and after that we basically didnt speak for 6 years.

we're now working together. yes you read that right.. WORKING together. not just in the same company. the same building. the same department. the same room. her desk is right next to mine!!!!

when the position was offered to her she asked me what i thought about it. that was probs the first time i had spoken to her in over a year. we had zero communication. i didnt want to know what was going on with her and she was the same. i tried to make the job sound as awful as i could and told her that i hated it (not true) and things like that. she accepted the position. it was very strange at first. there are six of us in a single room and so everyone in there and i were already friends. we're all pretty good friends and so everyone knew that i had zero relationship with her so everyone was uncomfortable for a while. - now though, some days it really bothers me that she's here. i'll hear her talk on the phone and do that "mom laugh" that i know all too well. theres a whole background story to this but i wont go into here. anyways. - she seems happy that we're talking now again. - sometimes though.. i know that im not all that happy about it. she'll never change. she has good intentions and she's a good person. i just think that she was an incredibly selfish mother. think... joan crawford. only worse. much much worse.

- the way that your father is.. and i know this sounds cruel. but id just bury him and all of his words. set all of that on fire. youve tried and tried again. one day he'll realize that he's a jerk and it'll be too late. and he might not. he might forever live his life thinking that you were the wrong one. but he can just sit on it. i would be done with him after that stunt with your sister and that comment about his new family. if all he's doing is bringing you heartache.. you shouldnt have to have him lingering in your mind or in your heart. im not saying hate him til the day you die. im just saying let go. put that behind you and start fresh. if later on he wants to step in thats his choice (and yours to as to whether you want to let him in) but theres no need for you to spend time being angry with him anymore. he's old news.

[bee9984]

I saw my father this past April for the first time in almost 30 years. He remarried when I was 12 and that was that. He had his new life and I was not to be apart of it, he said I upset his wife. I still don't understand that part, she had no children and I am his only child.

I was not allowed to see him or call their home and I was only allowed to write once in a while. I once wrote him 2 times in a 3 month period and I got the "nasty" reply that I was not to do that and I will notice with him, if things don't seem right ,he will soon lose interest. I did not send nasty letters either.

I never gave up, sent him a Christmas card and side note with our childrens pictures every year. He would also send me a Christmas card and included some money in it for the kids so I knew he didn't out and out loath me anyhow, not because he sent a couple of hundred $ but because I did receive the Card, even though it was signed "from" and then his name.

I was bitter about it up untill around age 23 and then I remember thinking how life is too short for all of this bitterness. I just had it in my heart that if he can be so cold that is him, it hurt me yes indeed but I never once in my Christmas Cards mention anything about the past or anything nasty....I always let him know how much I loved him. I was at peace knowing that I may never see him again but at least he knew that I love him regardless of how mean etc he was to me.

Every situation is different and we all handle things in a different way and even if my father had not sent me a Christmas card I would have still sent mine and signed it with love.

My heart is truly breaking for you ((((HUGS))))

[Jayne]

Hugs to you all in these awful situations...My dd's are in the same type of relationship with their father...he has only seen his first grandson when he was a bout a year old and he is now 9 and he has never seen his second grandson or met either of my dd's husbands...I feel so bad for both of my girls, but they consider my husband their father and the grands only know dh as their pop-pop, so that makes up for some of the pain..

[mikandmari]

I know it's better to distance yourself than go through the aggravation of trying to pretend you have a relationship with this man. I know because it's what my DH when thru with his family. They've found fault with everything he does. We have gone on with our lives, but now it's getting complicated because his mother is dying (I'm sure I'll be posting on here for support!).

If it makes you feel better, write a letter. I did. I didn't expect a response, and of course didn't get one.... but d*mn if it didn't make me feel better!

Good luck.

[cab54]

It amazes me the way some parents are.

My dad, I wish I didn't have a relationship with. He was alcoholic, abusive, neglectful and then abandoned us.

NOW, he wants us all to take care of him in his old age........so we do, mainly because we can only be responsible for the way WE act, we can't change him or anything he's done. But we resent it in some ways, deep down and have no real feelings for him except sadness.

I'm sorry for you.

[GFNancy]

I have had my fair share of family problems and rejection too.

The most recent one was my stepmom. I loved her so much, and I fully believed that she loved me just as much as I loved her. I called her mom, my kids were her grandkids. She and my dad adored each other. It was great.

She pretty much kicked me into a ditch right after my dad died of cancer. My mom died of cancer 11 years before my dad died. When I called the house, she would talk to me as if I was a telemarketer. If someone else would have been in the room with her, that's what they would have thought.

I figured she was grieving and needed some space. So I backed off a little. I didn't want her to think I was mad at her for needing space. So I'd call every couple of weeks and get the same thing. Then when there was a family thing with her family, she'd be all over us being just as sweet and loving as ever. So I would think that she's finally ready to talk to me again, so I'd call her within a week. Telemarketer again.

This went on for two years before I finally had enough. I wrote her a letter saying that I just needed to know if she wanted a relationship with me. I told her to write me if she did, even if she still wasn't ready for whatever reason and just let me know. And I told her if she didn't want a relationship just not to write at all and we'd leave it at that. I never heard from her again.

There was one person in her family that I trusted not to "run go tell" everyone, that I was able to confide in a little bit. The only reason I did was because I was really worried that my stepmom was pushing me away due to some sort of psychological problem that may have developed that might have needed attention. So I wanted to give her a heads up that I was worried. My "aunt" said that she seemed fine and that she was working and seeing her friends. I was relieved, but I was really hurt too.

My "aunt" has my phone number, so does the rest of that family who treated me and my dad like long lost blood relatives for 10 years. I haven't heard from any of them. They're really stuck in the middle, so I don't have any blame for them, it just makes me sad.

Now, the only thing I can assume is that she never liked me much in the first placed and I got conned.

I really hope that your dad's family has someone in it that you can trust to be discrete and just ask to let you know when family events are so you can go. When you go, just pretend he's a cranky uncle. Be nice, pass the potatoes, and don't pay much attention to him. I'm sure there were more than a few witnesses to his outbursts and his snarky attitude, so there's probably not much mystery to what's really going on. But then again, you never know how someone like that talks about you when you're not there.

I think family just doesn't know what to do when someone is acting badly. A lot of the time I'm sure people mean to try to help, but don't want to make it worse.

Hugs,

Nancy

[Michelle68]

My dad is/was an abusive alcoholic whom my mom divorced after I walked in on him beating her when I was two years old. He has always been a very sick, manipulative individual who only had time for my brother and I when he would be drinking and hit his "maudlin" stage. I never really expected or really wanted much from him in terms of a relationship. Fast forward to just the past couple of weeks. He has just found out that he has lung cancer. With his health being so poor, they're not sure if surgery is an option. He is basically a very physically ill man who is now all alone. I was just talking to my mom the other day about this. Despite all the misery he has brought to our lives, I still feel some obligation to help him out in some way, but at the same time I know that, for the sake of my family, I cannot let him have a place in our lives. The parent/child relationship can be pretty complicated at times. It's even more so when the parent is such a mentally/emotionally unhealthy individual. I don't have any advice for you, only you know what is best for you and how you need to handle this relationship so that your emotional health doesn't suffer. I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you're going through and I'm sending hugs your way.


--Michelle