Later update.

**Edna_E** · 10-15-2007, 04:32 PM

Ok, a few of you have been following the saga of my mom. Who is now BACK in the hospital, facing more surgery. She has now gone through 2 cycles of choosing not to eat or drink, thus putting herself in renal failure. Both times the ER has administered IVs to stabilize her. Then she goes through more "stuff" (like dialysis), and eventually is released. She is becoming increasingly confused, depressed, angry, difficult, and occasionally flat-out demented (as in senile dementia). I am headed back over this afternoon, and am running out of steam both physically and emotionally - and trying to toally ignore financially for the time being.

Several people ask why I do not bring her here. I live in a remote small town that does not have much in the way of medical infrastructure. I think she'd have died if she had been here when this whole thing started (in June).

Her doctors ask why I don't go there and stay with her - for several months. Uhhh, for one thing, I live by myself on my own income. For a second thing, she is extremely difficult to live with (as in screams and throws things, and when she can walk she attacks). She does seem to realize that such behavior is unacceptable in the hospital or nursing home (so one would think she could extend that to her own home also, but she can't).

She says she wants to go back to her own house, and she adamantly argues that she could take care of herself better than she is taken care of in the nursing home and foster home - where she has made choices that border on suicidal. It gets tempting to permit her to try, against the advice of the doctors. If she continues to damage herself severely and deliberately in an environment that she hates, is it terrible to see if she will decide to live if she gets to go home to her cat (and, yes, we are still managing to maintain that situation as a possibility). Am I losing my mind - actually, there is no question about that, but REALLY, am I nuts to entertain the idea of letting her go home?

**Darlene** · 10-15-2007, 04:47 PM

I'm sorry Edna, it sounds like she really would be unable to take care of herself if she went home.
You aren't nuts, just way way overburdened. Are there any family members to help give you some relief? And these "friends" who wonder why you haven't brought her to live with you...are they offering to help? Probably not.
It sounds like she really needs care that you are unable to give her yourself. There is no sense in putting yourself in danger from her outbursts. She needs to be managed by people who know what she needs medically, both physically & mentally.
You need some respite and can't do it all. I hope you can find some help. Don't let others make you feel bad, they want to help tell them how.

I'm not much help but I hope in some small way knowing that I care eases some of your burden.

**baxjul** · 10-15-2007, 04:50 PM

I used to work in a nursing home as a nurse. I think that there is no way that she would be safe at home. I would continue to have her in a nursing home, where she will be monitored.

**brainyblonde** · 10-15-2007, 06:49 PM

If she were to return home, could you set up home care from an agency or maybe adult day care services? Perhaps a hospital/nursing home social worker may be able to offer some suggestions or referrals to services.

I agree with everyone else that it doesn't sound like she should return home, but maybe there are some alternatives to being in a nursing home.

**Michelle68** · 10-15-2007, 07:34 PM

Being a home health nurse, I can tell you that any home care you would be able to get for your mom would, in no way, be as comprehensive as the care she receives in a nursing home. Sometimes people are just not safe at home by themselves. And no, you are not going crazy. You are simply tired, and as Darlene says, overburdened. You want so much to just give in and make your mom "happy" and avoid all the tantrums and problems. It is so easy for other people to offer suggestions when they've never been in the same situation or had to deal with the same problems. I totally understand why you can't have her live with you, both for the medical and emotional reasons. I think the best thing you can do is to have her go back to the nursing home. She will have the care she needs and you will at least have some peace of mind knowing that she's not by herself. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this without any help.

--Michelle

**Mom23boys** · 10-15-2007, 07:51 PM

I know this is tormenting you. She is your mother and you want to know she will be taken care of. If you let her go home, will she REALLY be able to care for herself? How do you know she will not harm herself at home too? She may be making false promises to you right now just to get you to pressure the medical staff to release her. I would really listen to the advise that her doctors give you. Do they think she is stable enough to live alone? Would she feel better in a retirement community instead of a nursing home? My DH's grandmother lives in a retirement home instead of a nursing home and it is wonderful. There is still nursing care on the premises if she needs it. I know it is more expensive, but for her sanity it might be worth checking in to.

**jamie79** · 10-15-2007, 09:57 PM

I am sorry this is happening to the both of you

**gentledenny** · 10-15-2007, 10:20 PM

I am so sorry, someone has chosen you to be the one to make these decisions. I have to agree that your mom doesnt seem responsible enough to live on her own, and she doesnt seem responsible enough to live with you. Sounds like some type of living outside your home is necessary as in a assisted living or nurseing home. . I tend to agree, as i also had a mom who was very difficult to deal with until you got her into the doctors office. then she seemed to be stong, clear headed and GRRRRR> IT MADE ME SO MAD> I dont think you are being selfish if you dont bring your mom home. I know you love her but you dont deserve to be attacked and she doesnt need to be far away from emergency care.

**Edna_E** · 10-17-2007, 08:11 PM

Thanks to all of you for your support and advice. I was able to see both my mother's primary care Dr. and a specialist looking at a potential adrenal deficiency. They expect tests to show that there is not a problem with the adrenals, but it needs to be weeded out. They think that her renal failure is again due to her not eating and drinking (she decided to impose a 48 hour fast on herself - including liquids!) They also said that the dehydration and renal failure are causing a blood sugar reaction that tests as if she is diabetic but they THINK it will clear up as she is stabilized. And - all of the chemical imbalances contribute to her state of confusion and dementia (she actually yelled at me in front of the doctor for telling him that she had been fasting when she had just told him that she had no problem with her appetite - I think he got a better picture from that, though it was unpleasant. I did not think that letting her tell him an artificial story was going to lead to an accurate diagnosis, so again I am the evil child who doesn't let her have her way.) Anyway, I also succeeded in getting her stuff moved to a different foster home, whose owner she had spoken with and she seems inclined to want to work with for now. I also took care of the financial end of getting all of that set up and all of the paperwork. Not bad for a day that started with getting up at 3:00 am to be there by 7:00. Then I got up at 4:00 this morning to make it back to work by 8:00. At least I had the sense not to try to drive back last night when I was exhausted. And now I am going home and go to bed - to get up at a normal time tomorrow (YAY!). She has a place set up to be released to, and her Dr. is aware of the lack of reliability of info coming only from her, and she seems to be recovering from this round - so, in a manner of speaking, life is good again.

Thanks again to all of you, both for the proferred knowledge and for the emotional support. I do have siblings, but they are all hundreds of miles away, and 2 were rather severely abused as children by my mom and are not inclined to do much hands-on help. The other still has children at home, and an exchange student right now, and a high-profile job that accomodates phone calls and such, but doesn't easily accomodate several consecutive days off that are needed for her to travel to where my mom is. 3 of the 4 of us are emotionally exhausted, and the other has distanced herself.