Need advice on cutting people out of your life.

**Dancing Lotus** · 11-21-2007, 11:32 AM

I know we all have a family member that we call "the black sheep". One who we would rather forget. Mine is my bil. We wont get into it but the guy is just an idiot. My dh and I actualy moved out of town get some distance between us. My mil followed us and bought a house a few streets over. Well she has since moved up north and given the house to my bil. GReat now he is even closer then ever!!!! Well he has a girlfriend thats got a lot a problems and she has taken to being my best friend, sorry but I dont need a best friend. My dh doesnt even want me to talk to her or let my kids around her at all but she just wont go away. She is so darn needy. My bil resently got arrested and she is now in the house alone with no car and a broken leg. Also she is flat broke. I didnt think it could get any worse but now her kids are comeing to live with and she doesnt even have a car to take them to school. She is hinting at me that she needs someone to take them for her but I dont wanna do it. My kids go to a different school and at a different time. I gotta get rid of her but she just keeps calling and she lives close enough to walk. She keeps telling me how I am the best person she has ever met and how she doesnt know what she would do without me. If you read all this thanks! I know I sound whiney and everybody says just dont answer her calls , just tell her NO. But its just not that simple.

**SammiesMammie** · 11-21-2007, 11:44 AM

Don't have advice, nor do I think you are being whiny...I feel your pain. Part of the reason we moved 1200 miles from our birthplace, was to distance ourselves from a couple of toxic people in our lives (family). I wish you all the strength in the world to tell this person "NO"..very hard thing to do sometimes. BTW does the MIL know that the GF is living in her house while BIL is in jail? Just a thought...Good Luck to you, I hope it works out.

**guest002** · 11-21-2007, 11:50 AM

Just keep telling her no. You don't need to give an explaination. Tech. she's not family.

Why can't her kids take the school bus?

Either way it's not your problem, it's hers.

We're a military family so when we need to cut someone out of our lives we just don't give out our new contact info when we move, LOL.

**mikandmari** · 11-21-2007, 12:01 PM

You're right, there are no easy answers, especially when she is 'acting' like she's being nice to you. I'd try to keep it civil, but be firm that you can offer no help, you have your own problems to deal with. Close the blinds and stop answering the phone if need be. Make yourself unavailable.

We are estranged from most of my husbands family. They were extremely combative

and spread hurtful lies about us. It was painful to my husband (and sometimes I think it still is) but overall, he is much more content and happy now. From what we hear... they no longer have us to fight with, so they fight with each other!

**Nightshade** · 11-21-2007, 12:03 PM

It's not "your" job to remove this harmful person from your lives.It's
your husbands job to make it plain that the door is closed.

To remove this kind of person (and bil) takes a cold heart. Guys do that
much better than women most of the time.

Tell hubby it's time to......."Protect & defend"

**carlitasway** · 11-21-2007, 12:22 PM

Could you tell her that you have a lot going on right now and that you need time to yourself to figure things out? Hopefully she'll get it. I agree, cutting people like this out is never easy. Good luck

**Dancing Lotus** · 11-21-2007, 12:24 PM

Originally Posted by Nightshade

To remove this kind of person (and bil) takes a cold heart. Guys do that
much better than women most of the time.

Tell hubby it's time to......."Protect & defend"

Your right it takes a cold heart and I don't have one. She brings me gifts and makes my kids cookies. She always gives them quarters when she sees them. I now none of this things means a hill of beans but they are part of why its so hard not to help her when she calls me. Today she called and wanted me take her to walmart but I told her I couldnt. I could, I just didnt want to.

As far as dh goes he has already decided to tell her to take along walk he has been restraining himself at my request. I was hopeing to find a nicer way. I kinda created this mess and I wanted to handle it my myself instead of running to dh.

**Dancing Lotus** · 11-21-2007, 12:27 PM

Originally Posted by PaulaPAFW

Why can't her kids take the school bus?

.

The school is within walking distance but her son is special needs so she doesn't trust him to walk. She can't walk them becuase of her leg.

**miss_thrifty** · 11-21-2007, 12:30 PM

Your hubby will just have to tell her in a nice way or excuse that your bust alot or tell her rightout:" Im sorry but my wife is not responsible for other people, her hands are full right now". Using that a excuse and your hubby doing it sounds better then you trying to push her away.

**Dancing Lotus** · 11-21-2007, 12:31 PM

I think I need to tell her that she lives a differnt life style then I do and I am not comfortable with it. I just dont want her to get the idea that I am calling her trashy or low class and have hurt feelings.
My dh has his entire future on the line if the is thought to be hanging out with people like her. He wont be able to get security clearance. He already has lost one dream becuase of his brother but there mother his huge on family and she just wont let my dh forget about his brother.

**Darlene** · 11-21-2007, 12:32 PM

Just say no. She's a grown woman who's made poor choices & now needs to stand on her own 2 feet, well when the broken leg heals.

Dh should make it clear to his brother that he and his family do not want them around due to bad choices that have made him someone you do not want your kids around.

**Dancing Lotus** · 11-21-2007, 12:33 PM

[QUOTE=miss_thrifty;798279]rightout:" Im sorry but my wife is not responsible for other people, her hands are full right now". [QUOTE]

I like the way that sounds.

**Darlene** · 11-21-2007, 12:35 PM

Originally Posted by AnnK

He already has lost one dream becuase of his brother but there mother his huge on family and she just wont let my dh forget about his brother.

Well Mom should have had him move in with her if she's so keen on making him happy.
Purge the bil and enjoy your life no matter what Mom wishes.

**shoiji** · 11-21-2007, 12:36 PM

Good luck with this. It isn't easy but toxic people can really drain you.

Try to remember that you are trying to protect yourself.

**Libby** · 11-21-2007, 01:08 PM

This may not be the most 'kind' way of dealing with her but I suggest you and hubby go over and talk to her for 5 minutes to explain things.

State that her lifestyle is very different then yours and your family commitments are too diverse as well and that you're already stretching yourselves to ENSURE that YOUR family needs are met - financially, emotionally etc. Assisiting her at her beck and call will cause your stable lifestyle to become unstable.

Kindly remind her that she is only the gf (not a SIL) of your BIL and since she chose to be with someone who's not as responsible as she needs, this does not entitle her and her kids needs to fall under your umbrella of care. It was her bf's mother who gave them the house, NOT YOU. Should she need anything, she should call upon her regardless of how far away she is. If its money shes after, ask her bf's mother. You are not a bank nor a taxi service. And this is where you ask her to stop calling upon you every 5 minutes.

Now on the other hand if there are basic things she needs - could she compile a list and on YOUR next run to the grocery store, would you be able to pick them up - just the bare minimum/necessities - no smokes, candy or beer etc. This is up to you should you feel that you need to help out. You would be in fact helping her/kids w/o actually being the primary leaning post. You set the rules, you shop when YOU ARE READY to shop and you get her what you get her. If she's really in that much of 'need' she'll accept any help she can get. If she dares whines/complains - she doesnt want help - she just wants to play the victim.

And btw no I do not think you're whining - I can totally see where you're coming from.