I'm heartbroken!(long vent)

[mommy4ever]

My brother and family left today. What I've seen in the last 6 days SHOCKS me! I feel horrible for the 3 new kids. Well, mostly the eldest. There is a huge discrepancy in affection, in fairness to the new children. In the 5 days, I've heard about "my daughter" in reference to their 1st adopted daughter from SIL. not once were any of the other kids claimed as hers.

There are gifts that were given to the new children that she said point blank will be given to their 1st daughter(M). They weren't hers, the younger child(Y) will grow in a short time to fit the clothes, but sil said she'll be giving them to M. When they get to their home, she said she is putting all of M's toys away so the others don't play with them.

I had an issue with M while watching them(whole other thread). L(9 yo girl) was standing on the bottom step talking with me, and M cam up and punched her in the ribs. Completely unprovoked. So I had the discussion that this was Tia(aunt) house and that that behavior for ANY reason is not acceptable. I told SIL about it. her response is "Oh, well M learned if from L.. And anytime that M did something(which was often), it was always V(7yo boy), L or Y(5 yo girl) taught her that. Not once did mom hold her accountable. But, if L, V, or Y touched her, she screamed like they were killing her. And SIL would tear a strip out of them.

They got lots for Christmas, but weren't allowed to play with anything. There was candy, they weren't allowed to have it, yet M did. They are being treated as 2nd class citizens. In SO many ways, I think they'd be better off in the orphanage where they were taken off, at least they had nothing, not surrounded by riches and being denied.

When there was a discrepancy, I had witnessed some, but SIL was there to "deal" with it. M would lie through her teeth, and SIL wouldn't allow for the others to give their version. Dh saw a few things, I was there when other happened, and M would lie and was believed. L was told not to talk back if she tried to explain what really happened. Dh took SIL aside and told her what happened, and she said L must have siad something to provoke M to do it. M was never accountable for anything. you call a kid a liar and bad long enough, they'll become bad and liars.

SIL had NOTHING good to say about L. Only that "Supposedly she's an honor student". Yet, within a couple hours with me, I had a smiling, charming girl. All it took was a few minutes of one on one. I helped her do her hair. DH told me she came out of the the bathroom positively glowing. And every morning she asked to have her hair done. And I did. When she was a little out of line, I'd just talk to her softly, and she obeyed. Maybe needed reminding, but she wasn't the monster they were describing. Not once did I see anyting that was unusual or totally unacceptable. I"m heart broken for her, because first she was abandonned by her mother at 6yo, and now she appears to be around a woman who will deny her affection. My mother feels that L will end up being the free help at the house, the maid.

I never knew my SIL was like this. I knew she was bossy with my brother. But he needs to grow some cahones and FAST. She did NOTHING while here. I was solo with the kids the first 2 days. The 3rd day(Christmas) she went back to bed after we opened presents! I couldn't believe it. My brother tried to go for a nap too and I stopped him, his youngest wanted and needed a shower, and I wasn't about to do all her care for a 3rd day straight. I gave him 2 full days off, they both should have been there for their first Christmas, not Aunty. But anyway, i told him, I could give her a shower, but then on the 27th, he'd be giving me the day off and could tend the 3 toddlers I care for. It was harsh, but he realized what had happened. He was really good about it.

Then! We promised the kids we'd take them tobaganning, they'd never seen snow before nevermind sledding. SIL conveniently didn't tell db that she made plans until an hour before. So she tried to cancel the sledding. I told them, I promised them we'd go, and I wasn't going to break that promise. She wasn't happy, but db was happy to go, we with my parents, and dh we took 8 kids sledding. She didn't come. She had no interest. We sent db and my parents the next morning again with the kids, and again she didn't go. She stayed to help... help involved eating chocolate.

But the kids loved sledding, so Tia kept her promised, po'd SIL in the process.

And the way she treats my brother! He's "whipped". She does nothing, she barks orders. He's aged so much in the last 6 months with taking on the 3 kids. He's much better with them, but he's exhausted, he's frustrated so he's short with them, but it's ALL 4, not just 3. But I really disagree with how he's dealt with many things. First being his wife, he's NOT a doormat! Second is M, his first adopted daughter, she's way out of line. And then the new children. Sure they need to be told no when out of line, but you get more response with loving attention.

All kids want to please you, let them know when they have, a quick hug and a kiss on top of the head and a low "good job" is a private moment, and can make a kid glow. No need to make a production out of everything. When out of line and needing some correction, deal with it, no need to yell and scream at them. No need to make them feel they are terrible people. The kids were treated poorly overall. I know they have behavior issues. But it was unfair and harsh. And only for 3.

He needs to see what is going on. She's not a mother. She's a poor wife at best. (I like her too, she's quite nice and funny, but after this week, it's a whole other side of things). She's a slave driver, db does everything while she sits and expects to be catered too, and he does.

OHOH... listen to this. L was waving her hand in front of her saying M farted. SIL told her she was lying because M doesn't fart.

OMG. M is perfect in her mothers eyes, she doesn't see the trouble maker she is. She has always been. Since she could walk she's been mean. She pulls hair scratches, knows how to exclude people. She's terrible that way. She can also be a real sweetheart too. But she's not perfect. SIL needs to take off her rose colored glasses and see the real child and see that the others aren't as bad.

But anyway. I'm very frustrated and there's not much I can do about it. If I say anything, then I will end up alienating them, and these 3 needs as much love as possible. BUT, if this doesn't change, and soon, I'm willing to take that chance, and maybe at least my brother will open his eyes and see what happens. Both my dad and dh had the same opinion of how she;s treating him. "If you'd have talked to me like that, you'd have been gone LONG ago". I don't profess to be a perfect mother, nor are my kids perfect. Nor do I expect her to be perfect either, but at least TRY to be a mother to these children.

After I dropped them off at the airport, I cried. I'm still crying. The kids have so much potential, they aren't damaged beyond repair, their experiences at the orphanage aren't so bad that they can't realize their full potential. But the oldest 2, are going to have their spirit stomped and trampled if things don't change, and a child with a broken spirit is such a sad sad thing.

PS, next Christmas, we're "Going away" for the holiday. Away from every one and have a nice quiet, restful holiday here at home.

[bumplett]

((((hugs)))))

that's all.

[carlitasway]

Oh, my, that is very sad I don't know what to say.

[wulong32]

Thats just aweful. Im sorry to hear that.

[McD]

Hugs to you.

[DaisySue]

Why in the world did they adopt 3 more children if they were happy with the one they had? Sounds really screwed up to me!

Did they adopt all three together? And how old is M?

[ktsmama]

I will say a little prayer for the family. I hope your DB will eventually see what is going on.

Sending hugs to you!!!

[mommy4ever]

M is 6yo girl

They wanted more kids, supposedly. They have been trying to adopt for the last 4 years. This is what it came to. The 3 are biological siblings.

[mommy4ever]

I don't know why they adopted 3 more. I don't think they or she was ready for 1 more, nevermind 3 more. I had 8 kids for 2 days with dh. We had NO major issues, other than M being a little bugger. That was dealt with and she chose to pout the whole time. The rest of us had fun, we laughed and played. In the evening we all baked cookies. We planned an outting. So I have no idea what is going on with the resentment of SIL toward the kids.

My mom and I didn't want them to leave because it's going to be supremely hard on L and V. Y might be ok, because she is just little yet. Now V is a handful..lol. Is a rambunctious 7yo boy. My parents thought he was delightful. I think he's a typical boy, will question why he has to do things, will be a little stubborn on occasion. L was a wonderful little girl. She was a darling. I had to scold once, and she respected that. I'm going to miss her, and I feel so bad for her because SIL isn't treating her right.

[leezza]

I am so sorry that you had such a trying time during the Holidays. I think it sounds like a really good idea for you to have your holidays in 2008 with just your immediate family and really relax and enjoy yourself.



That Said:
I think that you and DH and your parents need to do an intervention with your DB......if he doesn't do something soon these poor children will be ruined for sure.......Side Note: Did SIL want to adopt these children or was it DB idea??? It seems like she was forced into it or something???? Like she is mad about it.

Good Luck,
leezza

[dolphin]

It's such a sad story and I pray that the children do well. It sounds like the Mom needs a real wake up call but from what you have written, I doubt even telling her off would help and it could keep them from letting you spend time with the children. So sad...

I knew a man and woman who adopted 3 little girls. They only wanted the youngest but felt it was unfair not to adopt all 3 since they were sisters. The Dad recently died and left $100,000 to the youngest and 'nothing' to the other 2. All their lives they knew their new dad didn't really want them. It's so hard on children when they know one is favored over the other because they will always question "what was/is wrong with me?"

[toile]

Adoption is so important to me so this breaks my heart

There is a thing called post adoption depression...
Also it can take 6 months sometimes for families to settle in?
Sometimes bonding takes longer too...
Could it be something like that?

I wish there was a way you could stay really connected to these kids...
It never hurts to have extra people loving them

I wish they lived really close to you.

[Jamauk]

big hugs to you.....it sounds like you have an amazing heart and spirit.

Being right in the middle of an adoption right now, your story completely reduced me to tears.

For the sake of the children, please please please mention something to your brother. Did you by chance take any video during their visit? Maybe if he could see it through your eyes (or a camera) it'll hit him like a ton of bricks.

My heart goes out to these children - they don't deserve this. Your brother sounds like a great guy that just needs to be smacked on the head occasionally (I remember your thread from before they showed up). Once you explained that he was leaving you to care for his children, it sounds like he really stepped up to the plate.

Maybe once to spell out how his wife is treating **his** children, he'll put a stop to it.


So sad.

[HappyMama]

I am so sorry for the children and will keep them in my prayers. I am so glad you will be in their lives you sound like an amazing Aunt and have a wonderful love and spirit. Blessings to you .

[baxjul]

I would definitely be pulling brother aside and telling him how it is!