Do you think I'm overreacting?

[sdrjeolsen]

I'm so mad I could spit. DD who is almost 20 told me this morning she has been having car trouble the last couple of days, she said her truck (which she is buying from us -only had 45K on it when she started driving it and now has 80K 3 yrs later) is occasionally making noises and it sounds like its getting stuck in 2nd gear. I went out and had a look, there were several small spots on the driveway that appeared to me to be transmission fluid. I told her that that is an extreemly costly repair that she doesn't want to have to make and maybe she is just low on fluid, to go ahead and go to work, but to take extra time and drive as slow as possible, to "pretend like it is in 2nd gear" and to come right back home so dh can look at it when he gets home.

So, she just called from a town 30 miles away where she had to pull of cause something smells like it burning!!! I asked what she was doing all the way over there (mind you its a 65 mph highway to get there) and she said she got off work early so she decided to go into the next town to buy a pair of slippers that she saw were on clearance and really liked. Ok, were talking Amelda Marcos here, the girl has enough shoes to outfit a small country.

She has 2 jobs, but keeps blowing it all, every penny, infact she just overdrew at the bank in October and I gave her a loan to cover it. She hasn't paid me back yet, but says she will (its about 800 dollars that she owes). I've warned her for weeks that her auto insurance is coming due, and she still doesn't have money for it yet (another 600). It's due in 3 weeks. Now she possibly has wrecked the transmission in the truck, an expensive repair for which I will have to cover till I'm paid back, which at this rate could be....um, never.

Ok, am I over reacting, I told dh, why do we continue to give her an interest free laon?? I think I'm going to start charging her interest and maybe even take her paychecks and debit card and give her an allowance till all is paid in full. But then I think, she will be 20 in 2 months and this is just a stupid teen thing just like all of us did when we were teens. Am I over reacting??? What would you do?

by the way, she had a second wreck, so we lost our accident free discount on all vehicles (an extra cost to us now of about 500/yr).

TIA for some input.

[jamie79]

I would be harsher then you are. She would be paying for repairs to the truck, the insurance for the truck, the difference in insurance since you no longer get accident free discount and if she is not going to school she would be paying room and board

[monkeywrangler71]

You're definitely not overreacting; under reacting maybe. I think I'd stop lending and start collecting if it was me.

[Ceashels]

I have to agree with Jamie79. I was paying rent as soon as I started working and as long as I had a job and lived at home I paid room and board. If she expects to be treated like an adult then she needs to make adult decisions. Her decision was not the best choice and it should cost her, not you. It wasn't as though she didn't know of the possible consequences ahead of her decision. If you end up taxiing her to her jobs, I hope you charge fare.

[Missy]

I dunno. If she's working two jobs i'd probably take payments from at least one of those paychecks.

Good luck, no i don't think you are over reacting.

[foxxyroxie]

IMHO.....

It's obvious she won't have to worry about the insurance payment because she just blew the transmission in her truck. Besides, it's her vehicle, it should be insured under her name on her own policy, not yours. That's how my mom did it when I got my first car.

I would refuse to loan her the money to fix the truck and deny the loan to buy replacement transportation. Obviously if she has two jobs she can more than afford the expense herself. I'll wager if she's walking to where she has to go or paying you daily for taxi service to get her back and forth to work, she'll be a lot more frugal with saving her money for repairs/replacement.

Trust me, I had to learn the hard way too. I just kept blowing my money, but my mom insisted I pay rent (it wasn't much but it was reflective of what I was making at the time), the insurance was in my name and the loan from her to buy my first car wasn't paid off yet when the car died. When I sold it, I didn't get what I owed her on the car and she made me give her a good portion of what I got from it and pay off the entire loan balance in full.

If her checking account is in your name, change that too. It's your credit she's screwing up too. Make the account in her name only, that way they can't come back to you for reimbursement of the overdrafts. I could see overdrafts of $20 or $100.... but $800!!!! That's totally inexcusable.

I know, it might sound hard-hearted, but so far she obviously hasn't learned her lessons, and she will keep up the behavior if you keep bailing her out every time. I wish you luck in dealing with the situation. It's hard to be firm when it's family... especially one of your children.

[FrugalMomof3]

I too would be much harsher than you. She would be paying for the car repair, the money back she owes you and she would also be paying rent. She's 20 now like you said, she has to have responsibility, mommy and daddy cannot keep doing eveything for her.

She can go buy shoes but cant pay you back what she owes you? Where is the responsibility in that? I say stop being her interest free bank and make he pay her own.

[frugalnana]

If you have to pay to fix it I would probably charge interest and have her sign a note to pay back the loan.
From experience and 3 cars later with our younger son. The first car we paid to have the transmission fixed to a tune of $2700 and then an axel replaced for $738.
Second car he kept blowing hoses the the radiator went. So for about three months he had no car and I took him everywhere at 19yrs old. Then we felt he learned his lesson and explained this was the final car. He is responsible for all repairs and if he borrows money he has to repay it. He is 20 also now. He's got the hint. At christmas he needed new spark plug wires and spark plugs and a new battery. Not to be mean but we told him it would be a christmas present and he didn't argue about it. Now dh did give him $50 and then I got him a coat he had been wanting. But he didn't expect these last two and was very appreciative.
I think also if she is blowing every penny she is earning you might need to sit down with her and try to help her see what she is wasting money on and that she should be saving.
Good luck.

[lovestolaugh]

I am so sorry that you are going through this with your dd. I know first hand how difficult it is to practice tough love but I think that maybe it's your best solution. I have a 19 year old niece who's making all kinds of bad decisions. She stuck my brother and sil with her rent because they cosigned on her appartment then she promplty moved in with her boyfriend without them knowing it. She dropped out of school and now has no health ins and has to start paying back her student loan asap. The list goes on of thoughtless things she has done. Finally, my brother had enough and they stripped her of her credit card, cell phone, truck (which they had paid for) and told her that she was on her own. To say that this was the toughest thing they have ever done would be an understatement but they were left with no alternative. They tried begging, threatening and bribing and could not get her to take ownership of her actions. They are praying that if she is out in the real world for a few months without mom and dad bailing her out that she might come to her senses. My brother won't even talk about her because he is so depressed and worried. Christmas he and my sil were very quiet and you knew that they were hurting. I am actually more worried about them then I am about my niece. She will eventually learn her lesson and I think will come around. I just hope that my brother's marriage and mental state stays good.
Maybe the best thing you can do for your daughter is let her fall on her face. Don't jump in and help her. If she is living at home, I would charge her rent or at least make her help out with utilities and food. If that means confiscating her credit cards and paychecks, so be it. You will teach her a valuable lesson. Your relationship will become very strained with her for awhile but I think that if you hold to your guns, in the end she will be a far more responsible and appreciative adult. WOuldn't you rather be the ones teaching her these lessons then some stranger that doesn't have her best interest at heart? Just my take on it. I don't pretend to have all the answers. I wish you all the luck in the world!!!

[sdrjeolsen]

thanks, dh & I tend to disagree on child rearing issues, he tends to be very lax in dealing with the kids, so I second guess myself a lot, he says I'm too harsh. But I was working as a kid for my money, paid my way for everthing, including college, would never have even considered asking my folks for a dime, and saved nearly every penny I made. This is not my child!!!! I think there must have been a switch at birth or something. I told Dh I'm flaming mad and the hammer is falling tonight when she gets home!

[stinkbug]

She is not a teen and this is not a stupid teen thing. She is showing no responsibility becasue she hasn't been given any....You keep bailing her out...she keeps making $ mistakes.
See a pattern here???

[Daisygirl]

She is never going to learn if it doesn't hurt a little. She needs to be responsible for the repair. It's gotta be hard when you and DH do not agree how to hnadle it.

I think sometimes we enable our kids. When we try to protect them too much they lose out on valuable, if somewhat painful, consequences that can help them down the road.

Good luck with this one.

[dianne9106]

I agree with everyone so far. You sound just like my mother did back then. You and your DH should come to an agreement - even if you're meeting him half way - it's better than it has been. Perhaps, if your DD had to walk or bum rides from her friends she might see the light on paying her own ins, or repair. I wouldn't start on a rant that has no end though, she still have to learn some lessons the hard way.
Good Luck!
Dianne

[Michelle68]

Our DD is 19 years old, also. Although she has some challenges developmentally, due to a brain injury at birth, we have tried to help her learn to be as independent as possible. After her second wreck, we put the car in her name and she bought her own insurance. We don't charge her rent because she only works part time, but she is responsible for her own gas, insurance and automobile upkeep, recreational expenses, etc. IMO, you are not over reacting at all. I think it might be time to let your DD take care of her own insurance, repairs, etc. I know it's difficult to stand back and let her take responsibility (it's been hard for us, too), but maybe that's just what she needs to grow and become a responsible adult. Good luck!

--Michelle

[sdrjeolsen]

Thanks so much everyone, I appreciate all the answers and support. I do feel at times my hands are tied because we dissagree so much on how to raise the kids. His folks gave them everything and enabled them to no end (his sister is 40 and she has never filled her own gas tank, when her husband is out of town, she calls dad to come fill it for her and he does...makes me furious, but that's where my dh gets it, that's what he thinks a caring parent does), with my parents it was like we were in book camp, very disciplined and you were expected to pull your own weight and then some. So we are 180 degrees different on this. I told him from the beginning I wanted her on her own ins policy and he woulnd't hear of it. Told him 2 years ago I thought she should be paying room and board, he said its a parents job to provide for your kids. He knows I'm flipping mad at both of them right now. I love him with all my heart, but i find it frustrating when he seems to listen to me after its too late. I told him enough is enough with her behavior and he agreed. He "didn't think it would go this direction" so we have a meeting with her tonight to set some new rules/expectations. I'll let you know how it goes. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to vent.

Dianne, thanks for the advise about a rant that doesn't end, when I get mad I have a hard time turning it off, I'll take that advise to heart.

Also gg, thanks for the kind words and advise on getting dh to see that its a good thing.

Thanks everyone, I knew you would be here for me, I feel better now.