Our talk last night w/DD (long but good)

[sdrjeolsen]

Thanks everyone for your input, I relly appreciate it. We did take some drastic measures, but I did want to fill out the rest of the details first. I was really frustrated so was only thinking along negative lines, something I'm working on. Anyhow to be fair, I do want to say, she used to be financially responsible till about 6 months ago when we moved. She actually had about 4K saved up after high school, but when she went to college, we reimbursed her fulll tuition for an "A", half of the actual tiution for any course that she got a B, if she got lower, she paid the full tuition, plus she was responsible for all books, fees, parking, etc. When we moved here she had drained her account to about 1600 even though she was still working 2 jobs in Tulsa as well. Then she didn't have a job for the 1st 3 months here because she was so unfamilliar with the area and was afraid of the roads (we live on a mountain and the one-lane roads have steep drop offs). So she did get a job in August, but was just treading water at that point (its a 50 mile round trip to the nearest city so she has high gas costs), that is why we helped a bit -maybe feeling we had a part in it with the move and long drive and all, but it just seems she took our good intentions to the extreeme.

The 800 loan was not all for overdrafts. She overdrew by 100 and the bank charged another 100 in fees. A couple weeks later her ins. was due 600, so I loaned her the 800, so she could get out of the hole and told her I wanted it repaid by the end of the year. Also told her that her insurance was coming due in March to she needed money for that too by the end of the year.

She does pay her car payment & insurance, her own portion of her cell bill, all her make-up, clothes and extra or name brand toiletries, etc., basically anything she wants that is beyond the basics that we provide.

I had asked a few times to see her account info and what she had put into savings, etc, but she always was on her way to work, going to bed, etc, so I had a feeling it wasn't happening and told her that shortly after Christmas we would sit down and talk about it.

So here is how things went.

I think the root of the problem is her "need" to spend so much on herself. I asked her why she feels the need to spend, what does she say to herself that makes it okay to go out and drop hundreds a week on name brand purses, clothing, etc.? It was an eye opener to her to realize that she does it because in school she was in her words "a nobody" and it makes her feel like she is finally important. I let her know that stuff never makes you important, you are important just becasue you are and until she is okay with that she will always feel unimportant. I also told her that she is trying to fill a need that can't be filled with a bunch of crap and in fact stuff really is an idol because it takes up so much of her time, thought and energy. I hope it was a lightbulb moment, she said she never saw it that way. At least its a step in the right direction.

Then since the borrower is servant to the lender, I took away her check book and debit card and said that when she has paid up what she owes she gets them back. in the mean time she will get 15 a week in cash, her tithe and gas in her car from her account; the rest is mine. She is finding all her pay stubs so we can make a reasonable budget together and she is opening an e-acount for automatic savings deposits today after work. She is going to be required to do chores around the hosue again and if she doesn't complete the list to my satsifaction she will lose her cell phone for the rest of the week. Also we are charging her rent, with a chore list where she can work off up to half of her rent by doing extra chores or reading financial books....thanks Luv2BeFrugal for the tip there, great idea! We tried to encourage her with what she is doing right and tried to show her where the rest of it will lead her 10 years from now if she doesn't make changes.

She took things rather well, in fact, I think she was relieved to have it out in the open. She is still talking to us and things are on good terms. She knows we did it because we love her and is determined to pick up extra hours to make it happen quicker.

Oh, and good news, she didn't wreck the transmission, just was almost out of fluid, the smell was the fluid burning on the engine. so she does need to take it in and have the leak repaired....at her expense. I think we did good, thanks again for giving me the backbone I needed.

[sdrjeolsen]

oh forgot to say, the insurance company made a mistakke, we didn't lose our accident free discount, they forgot to put it into the computer when we moved....arrrgh!

Also, I'm charging her interest on the loan.

[changed4life]

That's great you made so much headway in a short amount of time, with little or no battle.

It sounds like things will be under control and you've got a very balanced plan that will accomodate both you and your daughter!

Our parenting role is never really done, is it? My daughter is 15 and we are starting to pull our hair out trying to juggle all that needs to be juggled with her regarding the facets of her life.

[FrugalMomof3]

Iam so glad you talked to her about it and thing went well, congrats on being a head strong yet supportive parent.

[Jskell911]

Wow! I am so glad it worked out so well for all three of you.

[Luv2BeFrugal]

That's fantastic, Denise! Sounds like it went GREAT!!

I love that you showed her how her finances would look in 10 years if she kept going that way...that had to be a really good visual! (eek!)

So glad it went well!!

[emily_hope]

I'm glad things went so well.

[forHISglory]

I'm so proud of you for planning a way to talk with your daughter. A soft answer turns away wrath. It seems that your tone of love and concern and firmnness is hitting the right note. So often we react too quickly and with too much emotion. Sounds like you found the right balance.

[ktsmama]

Glad things went better than expected!!! I hope they continue to be better.

[Ceashels]

It sounds like it was a positive conversation. She gets a little more structure to her financial life, along with lots of learning and the acceptance of the responsibilities again. You get a DD that is willing to learn and become better from the experiences. Congratulations on handling the whole thing so well. I might use your situation as an example to a friend if you don't mind.

[sdrjeolsen]

I don't mind at all. If someone else can benefit from it, that's wonderful.

[Michelle68]

I'm glad that "The Talk" went well and she was able to open up to you. It sounds like you've got a good plan in place. Way to go----you're a great mom.


--Michelle

[jamie79]

good news!!!

[Jamauk]

Hey Denise,
I wasn't around much yesterday so I'm just getting caught up on your situation.

I'm so glad things went well wtih DD last night. It sounds like maybe she just got caught up in some things and didn't know how to get back out - what a great mom you are for helping her out (in a firm, but loving way!)

One thing I wanted to mention about charging her rent - when I got back from college my dad was going to charge me rent, but he was going to put it all in a seperate account and then give it all back to me when I moved out. That way I was used to paying for my living quarters - but I also had a nice cushion when I got my first apartment.

It didn't happen though, I ended up going to live with my mom - rent free - and I didn't learn ANY financial responsibility! However, I still think its a decent idea.

[Daisygirl]

Great parenting Denise. I am marking some of this stuff down for future reference. Your daughter is very lucky to have parents willing to teach her so much about money. Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone was taught stuff like this?

I am glad things went so smoothly for you.