VENT - Long, you might want to get a coffee.

**AprilP** · 01-09-2008, 05:27 PM

OK, first let me preface this by saying that this is not something I usually do, I'm not the type to look for sympathy or an "oh you poor thing", but I swear, sitting on this and bottling this up, I feel like my head is going to explode.

Here's the sitch:

My parents are having serious financial troubles. My mother hasn't worked in 20 years, and my dad recently "retired" early because he simply is no longer strong enough to work construction 12-14 hours a day due to his age and some injuries he sustained 10 years ago or so. So basically, they are not old enough to get SS and not "disabled" enough to get disability. The only money they get is a $300 a month "partial pension" from a company my dad worked for when I was a child.

In December BOTH their cars broke down. Mom's transmission went out - the garage wanted 1500 for a new tranny, so mom started driving dad's car. Then his car broke down - this time the motor blew completely. The garage wanted 1700 for that one. Needless to say, they didn't have the money to fix either one. I unfortunately couldnt help.

I decided to basically give my mother my car. I will still be making the payments, but for all intents and purposes, it's her car now.

Here's the part that raises my blood pressure. I work at the same company with my sister and know that she makes more than me. Her husband works in the Houston petroleum industry. I do their taxes every year, so I know he makes anywhere from 70-90K a year depending on how much overtime he works.

They have 2 incomes, and one child. Her hubby has a company truck, company credit card and company cell phone. We are now driving their truck to work. Because I have been driving both of us to work for the last two years, I am still expected to pay for all the gas to get us back and forth. Now, mind you, I drive a Ford Focus, and their truck is a Dodge Ram Quad Cab dually. 30 dollars will fill up my car (even at 3$ a gallon) 30 dollars barely gets the truck 1/2 a tank. 30 dollars will last nearly 2 full weeks in my car. Her truck is using 1/4 of a tank A DAY.

For the past 3 years (we worked together at our previous job too) I have bought her lunch every day, I drive her to and from the diet doctor weekly, I buy her child her school clothes and supplies every year since kindergarten.

Today, on our way to work, the brakes went out on her truck. Now, we're going to have to be late to work every morning and leave early every afternoon in order to pick up our girls from school (they go to school out of district, so no bus) because they can't "afford" to fix the brakes. She asked me if I could use my money to fix her brakes and they'd "pay me back." Yeah, like I'll ever see that money again.

I plan on buying my mother another car when I get my income tax refund, rather than buying the new carpet my house so desperately needs, but they won't even offer to help. I know they get close to 8,000 back every year on their income tax refund.

Am I wrong to be so PO'd I can't see straight? My sister is thinking about finding another job this year because she's not "fulfilled" here. Am I a horrible person for actually being relieved that I won't have to carry her anymore?

I know many people are going to say that I should quit "carrying" her now, but it's a simple fact that if I don't do these things for her, she will simply not eat and her daughter will not have any school supplies, clothes or lunch money. She will simply do without because she's too timid to say anything to her husband because it will "start an argument."

Now her husband is not a violent person, he would never hit her or anything like that, I just don't understand how someone who has been married to a person for 10+ years could be such a doormat. He's not a drug addict or anything like that, he seems to me to just be an immature person who spends his money on "fun" rather than pay bills. They've had all their utilities turned off constantly, practically every other month. They've alienated every rent-to-own company in the city by renting and not paying until they have the sheriff banging on their door to re-possess their furniture.

One more tiny thing I need to vent about. My grandmother passed away in March of last year, and the life insurance after expenses came to approximately 3,000 dollars. My mother decided to split it three ways between herself, me and my sister. Then I sat in her living room a week later and watched her give my sister the 1,000 that was supposed to be mom's 1/3, simply because my sister and her hubby were behind in their mortgage payments. But then I watched my sister and her hubby turn around and spend that 1,000 on "upgrades" to their camping trailer. Their mortgage is still close to 3,000 behind. (it's 750 per month).

My mother is constantly giving my sister money. I'm constantly giving my sister money. How come my sister never has any D**M money????

Whew. So sorry about that. I don't even care if anybody reads this, I just needed to get it out of my head.

Thanks.

**Jskell911** · 01-09-2008, 05:33 PM

Wow, I can absolutely see where you are so upset. I am going to say exactly what you would expect, you need to stop carrying her. End of story. It's up to her to stand up to her husband. They certainly make enough $$, so why should you play banker, especially if you know it'll end up being a gift and not a loan.

Sorry, but I just do not see any other option for your own sanity.

**jenloveschip2001** · 01-09-2008, 05:51 PM

Wow I'm going through the same thing. My mom is on disability and my dad had to quit milking because of back problems so they have very limited income. Then my brother has been living with them and won't hold a job and is getting ready to go to jail. They are always giving him money for cigerettes or gas money just so they won't have to listen to him and then call me and say how they are so broke. They have had lots of vehicle repairs this month that they can't afford. We have bailed them out lots and we finally just had to draw the line. I feel sorry for them but I am not going to risk my familys financial future. We have our own problems. Of coarse now there is the guilt and I don't think it ever goes away. We actually moved 45min away to get away from my brother and the whole mess. Life is so much more peaceful now. But I still see them about every weekend. Don't let them walk all over you, stand up for yoursef. I hope everything works out for you.

**Momto2Boyz** · 01-09-2008, 05:54 PM

I can see why you would have a hard time saying no to her...but I also see how frustrating it can be, since it seems that everyone keeps giving them money!

Well, maybe she will end up getting another job...then you won't have to worry about it quite so much!

I hope things work out for you, I'm sure the venting helped! It always works wonders for me!

**annymoll** · 01-09-2008, 05:59 PM

You do not owe your mother or sister a living. For shame, that your mother does not work and lets her child support her? Is she physically unable to work? Let your sister go to work in her own vehicle.It will save you lunch and gas fees.(Just pack your own meals.)As far as your niece- do whatever lets you sleep nights. And poo poo about your sister just not eating. People eat when they must. Look at the Donner party.Quit feeling so guilty.

**leezza** · 01-09-2008, 06:13 PM

April,

The only thing I think you should be worried about is your own family, husband and children.......If you are stressed by this whole mess can you imagine what your family is thinking even if they aren't saying anything about it. (I am not saying this to hurt you it is only an observation).

And if things are so bad for your parents where is she getting the money to give to your sister???? I think maybe they are both taking advantage of your kind heart.
Stand up to them both, you have nothing to feel guilty about.......you are doing the best job you can.

JMHO,
leezza

**mom2bobsarah** · 01-09-2008, 06:20 PM

While it is hard to not help it is harder to contain all this frustration at problems you should not even have. I am the queen of irresponsibility so I can say this, they are obviously being irresponsible with their money or they are just taking advantage. The fact that she will not ask her husband for money is absurd and I would bet maybe even a lie. How exactly does her husband think she pays for things? With a smile? I think you have every right to be po'd and I think that you have let people use you as their doormat for too long. If she asks why you are not buying her lunch anymore, be frank and honest. Tell her that since you are helping out your parents and funding the gas guzzler you just cannot afford to feed her anymore. As far as parents go, I can understand helping them. You have to do what you have to do. Good luck.

**nodmicks** · 01-09-2008, 06:51 PM

April I am so sorry. I agree with the advice you have already been given. I know it is hard but you do need to draw a line and put you and your household as #1.
I'd send them a Financial Peace or Total Money Makeover book too. They need to grow up(sis and bil).

**FrugalMomof3** · 01-09-2008, 08:25 PM

I am so sorry this is happening to you and getting you fustrated in the process but I agree with the other advice given, first and foremost stop carrying your sister.

**perSue** · 01-09-2008, 08:43 PM

I think everyone is enabling your sister.
I think everyone needs to STOP!
She (and her dh) will never learn to take care of themselves if everyone keeps getting them outta a jam.
Let her go w/out a meal... that's her problem!
Now, doing for her child, that's different. If she's too self-absorbed to care for her daughter, that's serious!

I'd say talk to your mom about how you feel - she may feel the same way.
Maybe try an intervention?
State you won't lend anymore money until:
1) she takes care of herself & her family
2) she/they repay all loans in full.

That's what I would do.

I totally understand where you're coming from...
It's ok to feel like you're tired of "carrying" your family... that happens... I'd call it burn-out.

Let her take care of herself and her problems.

Live your life and take care of YOURself.

I hope it works out.

**kaykwilts** · 01-09-2008, 08:49 PM

I don't blame you for helping your parents but stop bailing out your sister. They will never learn to manage money if you keep helping her. You are just going to resent her even more if you keep doing what you are doing.

**Tango** · 01-09-2008, 09:00 PM

I can understand why your so frustrated. But, you should take pride in how generous and patient you have been. You are obviously a very caring daughter and sister. I think you should have a heart to heart with your sister and let her know the stress is getting to you. Maybe the two of you could work out some of the resentment that's building up. Anyways good luck.
___________________
Krissy

**CristiK** · 01-09-2008, 09:23 PM

Wow. I think your sister could be playing you. All that money has to go somewhere...husband has a gambling habit he is hiding or something? Another book Dave Ramsey recommends all the time for this type of situation is called Boundries by Henry Cloud. She apparently thinks that money just appears out of thin air

(((((Hugs))))

**bumplett** · 01-09-2008, 10:07 PM

It's a repeat, I know -

you're sister never has any "d*mn money* because she's never had to ~ that's what happens when someone ENABLES for far too long.

Will she eat? WHO CARES!?

Will HER kid have school supplies? WHO CARES?! (well, I admit, that would hard for me too - so maybe, yeah, get the kid the school supplies)

I wish your parents the best of luck!

**ImEmile** · 01-10-2008, 06:54 AM

I absolutely agree with all of the above posters. You sister doesn't ask her husband for anything because you make sure she doesn't have to. If she does ask and he refuses, it's because you make sure he doesn't have any reason not to.

Let them clean up their own messes. I know it's hard where your niece is concerned but even there, she's THEIR responsibility, not yours. If they want to use her to guilt you into it, then offer to take custody of her so she can be your responsibility, otherwise, they can get their priorities straight. If they are willing to neglect her, then you have reason to report them to child services.

As for your parents, yes, you should help them out, but let them know that if any money you ever give them, or any money they are able to save due to your help, ends up with your sister, they're on their own. If they can afford to help her, then they don't need your help.

I hope things work out. I'm sorry you're in such a situation.