Looking for others' opinions...

**Michelle68** · 01-19-2008, 12:20 AM

We have some friends who we've known for a few years. I was actually his nurse for a time..he's very sick and debilitated by muscular distrophy. They're both in their 60's and she's been caring for him by herself since I have known them. Just a few months ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer and given only 6 months to live. She seems to be doing better than the doctors have expected and now they've changed their prognosis to 18 months. They are dear, dear people and don't have a lot of money. She has one daughter who has, basically, taken most of their money and hasn't spoken to them for a few years. Now, thank goodness, they are beginning to speak again, but for awhile there, we're all they really had emotionally.

I've told her time and time again that if they ever need anything, to let us know. Well, a couple of weeks ago she called and told me that because she had changed Medicare providers, she was having difficulty obtaining her chemo meds and needed to borrow $185. I knew this was really difficult for her to ask and, of course, we said yes. She insisted that she would pay us back in three payments of $60-$65 each, even though I told her it wasn't necessary. ( We rarely lend money, but when we do, we do it as a gift.) This week I received a check from her in the mail for the first repayment. I worry that this is really a hardship for her and I'm hesitant to put it in the bank. I called and asked if she could afford it, and she said "Yes.", but I know things are SO tight for them right now.

Here's my dilemma-- my DH says we should just tear up the check and not let her repay us. I would agree, but at the same time, I don't know if she would be upset if we didn't put it in the bank.

Just wanting to get some opinions on this. Would you tear the check up or would you put the check in the bank?

Thanks in advance,
Michelle

**nodmicks** · 01-19-2008, 12:25 AM

I think I'd just give it back to her and tell her you really feel compelled to do this for her(I'm assuming by your post) and that you consider it a blessing to do it.

**Edna_E** · 01-19-2008, 12:35 AM

I'm with nodmicks on this. I think if you just tear it up, it may worry her that it has not cleared. If you did not intend for it to be repaid, it seems like a kindness you can afford to refrain from depositing it. If she insists on your taking it, I would not argue and would deposit it, but would then provide them with something else to ease the finances (and possibly time/energy) like groceries or comfort stuff.

**momtoadiva** · 01-19-2008, 01:34 AM

Knowing the diagnois of each could you set something up for them in their name to help when the time comes? Its not alot of money but it is too. Other than that I think the other ladies had wonderful ideas I esp like Edna's suggestion to use it to help in other ways.

**Neeley** · 01-19-2008, 01:37 AM

I have to agree with everyone else about giving it back. All are really good ideas on how to handle the situation.

**Daisygirl** · 01-19-2008, 07:11 AM

I agree too. You need to let her kow or she will never feel comfortable to use that money in her account.

You are wonderful to give like that. I can tell it is truly from the heart. I am sorry your friends are going through such a rough time.

**Lady_V** · 01-19-2008, 08:17 AM

Deposit the check if they keep insisting... and then buy gift certificates for the grocery or drug store they shop at?

It is a tough one... it is so hard for people with a terminal status to uphold a feeling of pride and control, they are poked, prodded and discussed as if they were not there.

**FrugalMomof3** · 01-19-2008, 09:09 AM

I would either tear the check up or give it back. I know at times I get in a financial hardship and am lent money and I feel compelled to pay it back and I do, knowing that even that slight repayment amount may hurt me in some way.

Let her know that it was a gift or I agree with maybe buying grocery store GC's and give it back to them that way.

**PrairieRose** · 01-19-2008, 09:22 AM

I would just not deposit it. She'll get the picture before too long. If she ever mentions it just act like you don't know what happened to it...you must have lost it or something. Good for you for being such a caring person.

**Michelle68** · 01-19-2008, 11:40 AM

Thanks for your help, everyone. I also like the idea of helping out in other ways, such as giftcards. I'l wait and see what she says. If she absolutely insists on us putting the check in the bank then we'll definitely turn around and use the money to buy her some gift cards to Walgreens (their pharmacy) or the grocery store. That way we can present it as a gift, rather than a loan.

--Michelle

**dcompton** · 01-19-2008, 11:48 AM

I think I would deposit it, not because you want it repaid, but because it is clearly important to her to repay it. And a gift card that she spends would be the same thing -- she would want to repay it. If you have cared for them, you know their tastes, so it seems to me that some gifts to save them money in other ways would be appropriate. Some groceries that you just "found on sale and thought of them" or cook them meals now and then. Things that look more like traditional "gifts" or just caring friendliness might be easier for her to accept.

**Jeanna** · 01-19-2008, 12:36 PM

I would do as others suggest. Either gift cards or if you feel she would be offended--as in it is charity send them or a money order in the mail without letting her know it is you. I think it is great that you are willing and able to help. We all should (speaking of me here) do more to help our neighbors and friends.