Weird funeral question....

**stinkbug** · 03-31-2008, 05:03 PM

To try and make the story short....dd's FIL passed away this morning. He was hospitalized last week. Dd and family were on vacation and got called to come home because they were asking for next of kin. Her dh (SIL) is an only child and has no other family. Dd1 and us have been taking turns caring for their kids as they've been traveling 3 hours one way every day to the hospital. Dd called at 4:00am to say that he had passed. I went over this morning and got the kids up and ready for school, and dropped them off, etc.
She called to tell me of the arrangements for later in the week.....So, here's my dilemma: SIL and his father were estranged off and on for about the last 20 years, since his mom died. Lately things got very bad when they were visiting and he began making beligerant racial remarks in front of the kids. He constantly berates SIL and dd for having miliary jobs/careers. Never once when they were deployed to Iraq (over a year) did he send one card or letter to either of them. We've met him one time. He was an angry, loud, unhappy man (also had a drinking problem). I really do not want to go to his funeral. Is that awful? I didn't know him. He was mean to my dd and his own son (who we love dearly, like our own) I know I should go in support and all that...but I HATE funerals of any kind.....It is a 3 hour drive one way and .....well....what do I do???

**Missy** · 03-31-2008, 05:26 PM

I would go, to support your DD. Her kids are going to be hurting. Kids love family even if they aren't treated well by them. Their little hearts must be hurting and need support.

But if you don't go, don't feel badly.

**mombottoo** · 03-31-2008, 05:37 PM

Are your grandchildren going to the funeral? If not, you could offer to watch them while your dd & sil attend. You are never obligated to attend any funeral, especially one for someone you disliked while they were living. JMHO

**zakity** · 03-31-2008, 06:19 PM

Offer to watch the kids if they are too young to take to a funeral.

**forHISglory** · 03-31-2008, 06:45 PM

Funerals aren't really for the dead; they are for the living. And your living family needs you. Whether you just goto the wake or visitation, or the funeral, or you watch the home while they go, or take care of the kids: it all adds up to you being a caring and supportive person.

**IntlMom** · 03-31-2008, 07:27 PM

Originally Posted by zakity

Offer to watch the kids if they are too young to take to a funeral.

I like this suggestion. And yet, if the grandchildren are going, then you really should go and support your family. Sorry.

**C@rol** · 03-31-2008, 07:53 PM

Originally Posted by zakity

Offer to watch the kids if they are too young to take to a funeral.

Great advice. Be supportive of your DD.

**PrairieRose** · 03-31-2008, 08:03 PM

I echo watching the kids if they're not going to the funeral but if so I'd go on and go........

**Telephus44** · 03-31-2008, 08:54 PM

I wanted to echo "funerals are for the living." I've gone to several where I didn't even know the deceased, just to support friends and family who were grieving.

Although baby-sitting the kids (if needed) would also be a great help and support.

**Becci** · 03-31-2008, 09:03 PM

I work in a nursing home and went to the funeral of one of the residents. i didn't know him very well (only cared for him a couple of times) but his wife was also in the nursing home and I cared for her for quite a while (they were in different sections). I went to support the wife. I hold her in very high regard and wanted her to know that I was there for her. She was ever som grateful that I (and other carers) went.

Offer to babysit if they need it or go so that youcan be there for your family and to watch the children. I'm not sure how old your grandkids are but if your dd doesn't have to worry about them then that's one less thing on their mind.

**cissylu** · 04-01-2008, 07:31 AM

I guess I would offer to watch the kid`s . if there going to the funeral
I would definately go.
good luck!

**stinkbug** · 04-01-2008, 10:51 AM

Still don't know if we're going. Yesterday they found out that he had ANOTHER FAMILY on the other side of the country that SIL never knew about. E-gawds.....
I talked to dd and she said not to worry about going. They would rather have our help coming over to clean up the house and getting it ready to sell. It's going to be a HUGE job and we have lots of tools and experience with home repair, painting, organizing, etc. I will probably take our truck and stay there with dd till the house is cleaned out. I will continue to go over and take care of the kids and house/laundry/dog while they are running back and forth.
The only upside is that SIL met is 1/2sister that he never knew and they seemed to bond almost immediately. The poor guy has been alone most of his life since his mom died (he was 17) thinking nobody cared about him!!!
He and dd married a year ago....he's 37. (the kids are his and he has custody...exw is a loser and felon)

**Dixie** · 04-01-2008, 11:04 AM

You're a supportive mom and mil. I know they appreciate your concern. What a shock it must have been to discover the other family.

**shoiji** · 04-01-2008, 11:35 AM

I agree with Dixie. Sending much love to you and your family.

**COUNTRYBUMPKIN** · 04-01-2008, 12:41 PM

Show support to your dd and ask her if she needs you to watch the kids or go the the funeral and be there for her. Like someone else mentioned here....the funeral is for the living, not the deceased. May this man find the peace of God now that he has passed. God rest his soul.