My dad passed away today...

[Michelle68]

...and I don't know how I feel. My dad and mom divorced when I was about two years old. He was a serious alcoholic who abused my mom and often times con artist who came and went through our lives. The past few years he had stopped drinking, though he had pretty much traded one addiction for another in the form of prescription medications. He had tried to become a part of my life again and, for only the second time in my life, sent me a birthday card this past December and spent Christmas with us. In October he had surgery for lung cancer, and the cancer was removed from his lung. A week ago, he began coughing up blood, was taken to the hospital and was found to have cancer in both lungs and his lymph system. My brother and I have been visiting all week long. The doctor told us he was his favorite patient because of his dry sense of humor. Everytime my dad would call me from the hospital, I would answer to his greeting of, "Nurrrse! Nurrrse! Where's my nurse?!" It would make me laugh. At 3:45 this morning I received the call that he had passed away. He had held on until my aunt and grandmother could come in from Las Vegas. They saw him last night and he was talking and joking.

I'm exausted now. I've been up from 3:45 AM and have made arrangements for his cremation and a memorial service. Of course, he had no money and no life insurance, so my aunt and my husband and I will be splitting the cost. My car's timing belt broke yesterday and I had to put it in the shop so I couldn't go see him yesterday evening. He told my aunt that he wanted me to take his old car because it was running and mine isn't. I guess he was trying to leave me something and take care of me in his own way, the only way he could. We are going to give the car to my brother and are getting mine repaired, because after the repair mine is actually in much better shape than his is.

I feel sad for what could have been, but never was. Does that make sense? We never had a decent father/daughter relationship and I feel bad because I think I should feel sadder than I do. My brother says our dad tried in his own way but never seemed to be able to get it right. I feel sad for a life that seems so sad and was wasted in so many ways. I have his wallet and behind the debit card, AARP card and library card is his Offender ID card from the Texas Department of criminal Justice. He spent about a year in jail a couple of years ago for outstanding warrants for DWI. It shows an older, sick-looking man with a prison haircut. I think about what a lonely life he must have had and wonder why he's kept this card, hiding in his wallet, all this time. Looking at it makes me cry. We never had a chance to connect.

Anyway, I'm sorry this post is such a downer. I guess I've been trying to take care of anything and just felt like I had to unload. Thanks for reading.


--Michelle

[luv-my-lexi]

Oh Michelle I am so sorry. For what you never got from him and for what it could have been. It sounds like he was trying so hard at the end.....but I know it just wasn't enough. to you during this difficult time with your emotions. Even though you were not close I think you will still be sad and it might be hard for a time.

[mmy2grls]

I'm so sorry

[FrugalMomof3]

I am so sorry for your lose, my thoughts are with you

[Missy]

I am so sorry. big hugs to you!!

[emily_hope]

(((HUGS))) Michelle, I am sorry that you lost your Dad. I lost my Dad to cancer, also. My Dad was a smoker and a drinker, so I can understand some of your situation. I wasn't ever real close to my Dad either. When I think of him, I try to remember the good times we did have. I hope you have some good memories of your Dad to hold on to. And again more (((HUGS))).

[Darlene]

Before even reading your whole story my first thought was about what could have been. I've been there. What is, is and I hope you know that he made his choices and you weren't the cause of anything. I'm glad you got closer and am sorry you didn't have him back with you longer.

You being a stand up person and doing what you are doing, please know that it means a lot and even though he didn't do the right thing back then you have. With my own family I know that to make the past right for myself is to do what I can with my own family to give them what I didn't have & pass on a legacy of love. I'm doing that, you are doing that and it's all we can do.
Past is past & we have a whole lot of future to spend with those we love.
I know it's not easy but it's OK to smile that melancholy smile & know that you made it through OK and that your kids have so much more. You are not alone. Remember the good stuff and pass that on, the bad stuff is old news and nothing to keep hold of.

[YankeeMom]

(((HUGS))) I understand Michelle.
I'm sorry for your loss.

[tbs727]

I'm so sorry, Michelle, for your grief over what you did and did not have. Don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do, it's natural.

[nuisance26]

~I'm sorry for your loss, Michelle.(((hugs)))~

[Pemberleyan]

Michelle, I am so sorry about this. Of course it makes sense to grieve the loss of what never was, the dreams that didn’t come to pass. And no apology is needed.

{{HUGS}}

[Dancing Lotus]

I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn't really matter what kind of parent a parent was, when we lose them it hurts. I can't imagine why he kept his prison card , but it must have meant something to him. Maybe he thought he would need it again or maybe he kept it so he would remember why he didn't ever want to go back. I'm just glad you were on speaking terms with him. God rest his soul and may you find peace.

[TheRootedNomad]

Many 's and prayers.

[AmyBoz]

I'll be thinking of you.

[cissylu]

Oh Michelle ,I`m so sorry for your loss. Don`t feel guilty for tyhe way you feel . it is very natural.
you have done all you can.
hug`s,I`m here for you if you need to talk.