do you ever feel used?

**halloweenfreak** · 04-20-2008, 11:41 AM

dont get me wrong, i love my hubby but sometimes he just does things that irritate the crap out of me. he works long, rotating shifts at the tire plant. me being a stay at home mom, i feel that its my job to keep up with the house-meaning i only ask him to take out the trash and mow the yard. thats not too much to ask is it? well the last SEVERAL months, the only time he will take out the trash is if i tell him to, or he sees me doing it myself and then tells me 'i would have done it' when?? it was already overflowing into the floor waiting for you to deal with it.

and today was just the last straw. he was getting ready for work when i walk into the kitchen. hes piled more crap onto the already overflowing trash can and then tells me 'your house has been destroyed' i know he was meaning that coop had dug out all his toys and littered them all over the living room, but then i turn to see that my hubby has made tea this morning. there is puddles of water all over the cabinets. sugar is scattered all over the place, he evidentally spilled the tea at one point and then just left it there. i guess he fixed gaterade this morning also, cuz there is red powder all over the countertops too.

those 2 NEVER pick up after themselves. they come in and just dump their stuff and im expected to deal with it. i feel that theres a difference between maintaining the house and picking up their crap they're too lazy to deal with.
sometimes i feel like a maid around here and not a wife/mother. ok, im done ranting. thanks for listening.

**mmy2grls** · 04-20-2008, 11:52 AM

That can be frustrating.

Also be thankful that you get to be a stay at home mom while he works. I'm a single mom and have to do everything with no help with anything.

Could you maybe remind him to take the trash as he's walking out the door?

**Marie78** · 04-20-2008, 12:08 PM

I think it's great that you get to be a stay at home mom, but it only seems fair, since you are doing so much in the home, that your Dh do his part with the trash and the lawn.

I work 40 hours a week outside the home and my fiance works much less, he's at school less than 40 hours a week and only takes a couple classes and teaches a class each week. The rest of the time he's studying. I say this, because when it comes to house work: cooking, cleaning, trash removal, etc... I shoulder the majority of this burden.

When my fiance sees me doing something: cleaning the cat litter or sacking the trash, he likes to say, "if you would just leave it, I'll do it". Just like you, I say or think if you were going to do it, you would have done it already.

I refuse to do his laundry anymore, I wash: my laundry, our towels and our sheets each week. He is responsible for making sure his own laundry is washed now. I also remind him of the trash needing to go out, while he's standing in front of the full/smelly trash can. I have also assigned him certain nights to cook, if he doesn't then he can treat me to a dinner out. Either way, I don't end up slaving over a hot stove for an hour. Once in awhile he will vacuum if he sees me dusting or cleaning the bathroom.

I don't think it's fair that you should have to pick up after a grown man, none of us should have to. My mom made sure we picked up our own messes when we made them, when I have children (girls for boys) they will learn to pick up after themselves and pitch in around the house.

**Michelle68** · 04-20-2008, 12:41 PM

Arrrgghh! Yes, I feel your pain. I really think that generally men have a different level of mess tolerance than we do. It sometimes seems like the house to pretty much be a code violation in order for them to think that anything has to be done.I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated.

--Michelle

**Starlight9803** · 04-20-2008, 01:02 PM

I have similar issues around my house as well. I get annoyed sometimes, but I've found that DH just doesn't think about things the same way. Like - the spilled coffee on the counter - he honestly doesn't even notice it, or the mud he tracked through the kitchen, the wet towels on the bathroom floor. I tried reminding him about stuff, but it never sunk in. I eventually just had to get to a place where I could let it go, and just do it myself. Yes, it's a larger workload for me (and I not only do all the chores, I homeschool the kids as well), but it is easier just to get it done and not let it get to me. I carried a ton of resentment around about it, until finally it was just let it go, or go crazy LOL.

**happimommi** · 04-20-2008, 01:29 PM

I am glad I am not the only one, we also had a big pile of garbage falling out the kitchen can this weekend. It drives me nuts!!!!

**FrugalMomof3** · 04-20-2008, 02:06 PM

Believe me your not alone! I feel like this alot but sometimes I say to myself "He works to provide for me, I am a SAHM so I feel it's my job" although there are times I get so irrate I actually mention it to him but then I feel guilty I did since I dont bring any "money" into the house.

It's a never ending cycle, maybe you can talk to him about it?

**C@rol** · 04-20-2008, 02:16 PM

Sometimes when you are a SAHM your family does take
you for granted and think that that's what you are home
for to wait on them hand and foot. I think (JMO) what
you experienced was a bit much and maybe more
consideration should be given to you even though you
are at home. Hope things get better for you.

**dianne9106** · 04-20-2008, 04:22 PM

You so not the lone ranger here - LOL!! You see when my DH starts doing this crap - I tell him I am going to his place of work and start just opening drawers, cabinets, containers, bringing my crap and putting it in his area, deleting files, and making a sloppy mess. He usually comes and gives me a hug and says he is sorry. He is gone for 3 months now and I am trying to take the opportunity to organize things so he find them and then he has a place for his stuff. Of course I have adapted the whatever attitude and I have lost a bit of my motivation

I of course also have a teenager that I do gainfully employ to do chores. He is also a piggy sometimes - so I have to keep a firm hand on him - but that happens through his allowance system. Good luck - and know that sadly you are not alone!

**Holly** · 04-20-2008, 04:35 PM

I guess I'm the odd man out.
My fiance works his job and I figure the rest is up to me. I love mowing the lawn ( can't wait to be pushing it
around and getting exercise to boot )
The thing is he'll come home and grab the trash head for the burn barrel and then say I'll cook tonight
and you can watch a movie.
But then its because I get up at 5 am and make him coffee and a big breakfast. ( sometimes when he's heading out of town its up at 3 am and fix his breakfast and put up his lunch )
I guess its all in the prepective of whats really your individual relationship...

**WV_mom_of2** · 04-20-2008, 04:41 PM

LOL my dh does the same thing! I've started taking the bag out of the can and putting it in the floor. Then I put a new bag in the can and start over while I wait for him to take out the bag. When it gets to the point that we have two bags in the floor and the can is full AGAIN, I will ask him to take it out. Then he will take out the two bags and leave the can full! UGH!

It's not fair but I've finally decided that if I want help, I will have to ask for it. Now I say "will you please take out ALL OF THE TRASH?" I refuse to do everything myself and make a point of asking him to help. I have to say that he will do whatever I ask, but geez, he's 40 years old, I shouldn't have to ask him ya know?

**pip** · 04-20-2008, 04:46 PM

I understand what you are saying, i really do.

**StartingOver** · 04-20-2008, 05:04 PM

Originally Posted by Starlight9803

I eventually just had to get to a place where I could let it go, and just do it myself. Yes, it's a larger workload for me but it is easier just to get it done and not let it get to me. I carried a ton of resentment around about it, until finally it was just let it go

For years, I would get so upset about this as well. But after having the same arguments day in and day out, I gave up. I was not ever going to change him or his habits.

But I am training/teaching my kids to help out and when they see something that needs to be done, to do it and not wait until I have to ask them to do it. I find that if I don't "nag" dh to do something, he's more apt to pitch in. And I always make sure to tell him "Thank you, I appreciate your help." It goes a long way.

Hang in there! You'll find a routine that will work for the both of you.

**MomK** · 04-20-2008, 05:28 PM

I sometimes holler (to no one in particular) "Hey, y'all, I'm not runnin' a hotel here! Pick up your own dang stuff." This gets a chuckle out of DH, but usually he gets the picture.
(I'm a hick, so yes, I really sound like that.)

But seriously, I feel your pain. Sometimes men just don't get it. Even though you stay at home, you still deserve respect, and that includes people wiping up their own messes.

**latierra84** · 04-20-2008, 06:30 PM

Originally Posted by Marie78

I think it's great that you get to be a stay at home mom, but it only seems fair, since you are doing so much in the home, that your Dh do his part with the trash and the lawn.

I work 40 hours a week outside the home and my fiance works much less, he's at school less than 40 hours a week and only takes a couple classes and teaches a class each week. The rest of the time he's studying. I say this, because when it comes to house work: cooking, cleaning, trash removal, etc... I shoulder the majority of this burden.

When my fiance sees me doing something: cleaning the cat litter or sacking the trash, he likes to say, "if you would just leave it, I'll do it". Just like you, I say or think if you were going to do it, you would have done it already.

I refuse to do his laundry anymore, I wash: my laundry, our towels and our sheets each week. He is responsible for making sure his own laundry is washed now. I also remind him of the trash needing to go out, while he's standing in front of the full/smelly trash can. I have also assigned him certain nights to cook, if he doesn't then he can treat me to a dinner out. Either way, I don't end up slaving over a hot stove for an hour. Once in awhile he will vacuum if he sees me dusting or cleaning the bathroom.

I don't think it's fair that you should have to pick up after a grown man, none of us should have to. My mom made sure we picked up our own messes when we made them, when I have children (girls for boys) they will learn to pick up after themselves and pitch in around the house.

i think im going to do exactly this. i like it!