Seperate finances, second marriage...

**rsbs** · 02-19-2010, 04:04 PM

Trust me. I would be much more resentful of the mortgage payment my DH makes to his ex-wife if I had to face it every month!

I suppose I am looking for advice on how to compromise with my DH, or at the very least - help him to understand why my decisions are important to me... a sentiment I've heard in other posts and that have recieved encouraging advice.

**annymoll** · 02-19-2010, 04:22 PM

Originally Posted by rsbs

Trust me. I would be much more resentful of the mortgage payment my DH makes to his ex-wife if I had to face it every month!

I suppose I am looking for advice on how to compromise with my DH, or at the very least - help him to understand why my decisions are important to me... a sentiment I've heard in other posts and that have recieved encouraging advice.

I would ask my husband to sit down with me and envision our retirement together. In my own opinion, it is easier to understand why financial decisions are important if I share a part in them , or if I see that it benefits me.If you do not share a financial future together, then I do not see how your decisions will be of much concern to your DH. Have you considered having at least one retirement fund that you contribute to equally, and that you both share? Maybe the DH just needs a little kickstart and an account that you are working with as a team may be a good learning tool. JMO.

**inneedofhope** · 02-19-2010, 04:45 PM

I like the above suggestion. I also think that the division of finances needs to be decided upon by each individual couple. You may want to see if you can approach the lunch out issue by asking if there is anything in particular he enjoys that you could prepare for your lunches to take to the office, just because you enjoy cooking for him.

**rowdy35** · 02-20-2010, 08:37 PM

sorry, I can't think of anything for you to do other than to let him know your thoughts on the matter. Some people respond visually to charts, etc. so maybe you can show him a chart with your goals to retire together as a couple ?

i on my 3 rd divorce now so i do understand your desire to keep the finances separate, I totally get that.

there isn't much you can do to change someone so you may have to accept the facts of your situation and learn to live with them. keep the dialogue open with him though and let him know your concerns. do it in a business like and adult manner though, and try not to get preachy or bratty about it. He may actually not be thinking long term and maybe doesn't even want to think that far in advance. some people never even think retirement until the turn 65, so you may just have to guide him and be patient.

Good luck

**kaurand554** · 02-20-2010, 11:42 PM

You mention that his former wife, was really frugal...

maybe he is just enjoying being able to give to you (the extravagance of lunch out), after paying the bills, and is happy to do so....., cause he loves you. You are thinking finances and he is thinking, I can do this for her so, why not....less for her to worry about.

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus..........

Maybe he just needs a chance to adjust from (I am assuming every penny of his was accounted for in his previous marriage) to being able to buy you lunch...........(after his debts are paid!), cause he can.....and wants to... (not because of the kitchen, from my understanding he is in control of his money for the first time in a very long time..)

I personally would not bring the $ value of lunch into it, at first, cause I think he is doing it cause he wants to............

I would say let's make a Sat/Sunday where we can cook together (and clean together) and make a once a month cooking so it is easier on us when we get home..... (and make enough so you have left overs for a few lunches a week....) it would be fun, family affair.... and save some dollars....

not that he will know it!

then go to, let's make "a day" the special day to eat out for lunch together.... make it a date

Then move onto retirement... in a totally different conversation............

**KimberlySi** · 02-21-2010, 08:58 AM

I totally know where you are coming from! The thing that seemed to help me the most was to be able to show my husband what I was saving. He made the comment to me that because we had seperate checking accounts he wasn't "seeing" the money saved. I also just picked up a loan payment that we didn't previously have. He understands WHY I'm trying to save money.

Perhaps you can write your personal budget out and show him why you feel you need to cut out some costs. This may help him understand why you are doing these things. Also keep him updated on where you are saving money.

Kim

**whiz** · 02-21-2010, 09:57 AM

The separate financial thing is tough. My wife and I had discussed keeping ours separate and setting it up somewhat like you are talking about. After going through a trial period of separate finances, we both happen to randomly pick up Dave Ramsey's "How to have more than enough," and that was the book that got us on the same page. One of the main points we are taking is how a marriage is strengthened through combining finances. Just a thought. We are both reading our copies right now, so I don't have all the info from it yet, but there may be things in there that could help.

As far as the kitchen, I am a clean freak in the kitchen, but we both understand that in order for us to attain our financial goals, we don't eat out much. It sounds like you are further ahead than us, but that is how my wife and I view that situation. I had to c..o..m..p..r..o..m..i..s..e....

I never had to consider any one else before I got married in May '09, and I turn 30 next month.