Seperate finances, second marriage...

**rsbs** · 02-19-2010, 11:54 AM

I know this is going to confuse most, and I guess what I'm looking for is suggestions on how to make our situation work... how to help DH to understand my frugality & support it.
DH & I keep (mostly) seperate finances. We have both been married before, & we each have a child from that first marriage. No children together. We each have individual checking, savings, & I have retirement accounts. We also have a joint EF that would cover 6 months of BOTH of us being unemployed. VERY proud of that. We seperate bills into equal amounts (we make almost the same salary, his slightly higher than mine) and each is responsible for our assigned bills. Obviously, DH pays child support for his child. And this system seems to work...
Except, we are not on the same page when it comes to our "extra" money. He does not save for retirement. His first marriage was frugal to the extreme & he's enjoying his money now. He is responsible & carries little to no debt, but he isn't saving either. He also likes to eat out. As we work together & have lunch together most days, this affects me DAILY. He also discourages my use of the kitchen at home because he's a neat freak. I litterally have to cook when he's away.

DH also doesn't budget. I budget to the last penny. The only way I can do everything (which does include a very unfrugal cheerleader daughter) and stay ahead is to budget. He doesn't understand that I have every penny accounted for...
Any thoughts?

**Greebo** · 02-19-2010, 12:19 PM

Who's idea was it to keep the finances separate?

**alotofgooddeals** · 02-19-2010, 12:26 PM

The budget thing i have no idea... My dh use to not like anything done in the kitchen either...because he to is a neat freak and he still is...he knows that he is a neat freak and knows that he takes it to the extreme and he has started working on it.. kudos to him as i really appreciate it... I mean my dh was to the point that it there are water droplets in the sink it freaks him out...He is working on it...the kids get something out of the cupboard and they don't shut it all the way.. it simply annoys him...we have a german shephard that sheds constantly and i mean constantly...he sweeps 6 times a day and still can't get all the hair...however back to the kitchen thing..if i want to do something in the kitchen.. I do it anyway and if he starts to say something he shouldn't I just ask him if it is all going to be worth it because at this point in our marriage 20 plus years i no longer am going to be silent...he walks away and i do my thing, i clean up by wiping down the counters, sweeping the floor and doing the dishes which to anyone elses standard would be sufficient....He has to come in back of me and redo because he basically can't help it...i seriously think he can't help it... its not a point of being a control freak i seriously think he suffers from a disorder and he admits that he probably does and we are working on it together... I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the clean freak world however your husband has to make compromises because its not fair to you to not feel like you cant breathe in your own home....been there and done that and will not do it anymore..

**rsbs** · 02-19-2010, 01:18 PM

Greebo, it was a mutual decision before we were married. We did alot of research on this & decided it would be a good way to keep required, but potentially resented (child support) expenses a non-issue.
I admit it is not ideal, but having had a conventional 1st marriage, I have to admit the financial differences are resented if there are different priorities and a shared bank account just the same, if not more so. Money killed my first marriage.

**Greebo** · 02-19-2010, 01:30 PM

"Dear, you agreed, when we got married, that we'd manage our finances separately. In order for me to manage MY finances to MY satisfaction, I'm saving for retirement. If you think I'm going to then carry YOU when YOU end up broke at 65, forget it. I'll live with you, but if you can't pay your bills when we're old cause you're blowing it now, we may end up moving to something you CAN afford on just social security, if you get any.

As for the kitchen - I need to cook to keep MY finances in order. STFU."

(Ok maybe I'm not the most diplomatic...)

**rsbs** · 02-19-2010, 02:00 PM

Although I LOVE that, I don't think it'd help!

**frugalwarrior2** · 02-19-2010, 03:14 PM

Sorry but i guess I gotta say your kidding yourselves. In the eyes of the law your money and debt are one. As if your retirement. Especially in the eyes of the law.
It doesn't matter what happened before as much as what's happening right now.
The house is 1/2 yours and you should cook in it if you like. You'll clean up, your a big girl. It does kinda seem like your both playing "whose in control". Him about the kitchen,you about spending.

**Ceashels** · 02-19-2010, 03:19 PM

Perhaps your conversation with husband should be about long term financial goals? Can a percentage of the "extra" money be saved toward something the 2 of you will enjoy together? Can you have a third for retirement, a third to long term goals and a third to be frivolous with?

As for the kitchen... it isn't HIS kitchen and it isn't YOUR kitchen. He can always be welcome to clean up after you cook but you are going to cook no matter what.

**Greebo** · 02-19-2010, 03:22 PM

Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2

Sorry but i guess I gotta say your kidding yourselves. In the eyes of the law your money and debt are one.

That's state dependent. In many states if one spouse runs up debt in their name only, the other spouse is not liable.

**Palooka** · 02-19-2010, 03:37 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

That's state dependent. In many states if one spouse runs up debt in their name only, the other spouse is not liable.

Yup! And I think there is only four states like this the last time I read about it. It's something I checked before I married the second time.

**annymoll** · 02-19-2010, 03:42 PM

I think if you have separate accounts and finances then you really have no say so over how he chooses to spend any extra, nor does he. Maybe in his mind, if you would tighten up the reigns on the unfrugal cheerleader kid, you would have more money to go out to eat with him.Everyone is a critic when it comes to money and how it is spent.Especially if it is not THEIR money, and your husbands money is not your money.It is your house together, so I would cook all you want. And it is easy to just say no on the offers to eat out. To me, if the object of this situation is to avoid resentments- it's not working.

**Greebo** · 02-19-2010, 03:48 PM

Originally Posted by Palooka

Yup! And I think there is only four states like this the last time I read about it. It's something I checked before I married the second time.

http://www.bills.com/blog/is-my-spou...dit-card-debt/

There are only 9 states where you can be liable for spousal debt even if you didn't sign up - they are "community property" states.

The rest - no.

**Palooka** · 02-19-2010, 03:57 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

http://www.bills.com/blog/is-my-spou...dit-card-debt/

There are only 9 states where you can be liable for spousal debt even if you didn't sign up - they are "community property" states.

The rest - no.

So there is more now or maybe I didn't remember the exact number because this was about 8 years ago that I read about it.

Where in the link does it say the states because I'm curious which ones. Maybe I missed it. I think Neveda and Cali is one.

**Greebo** · 02-19-2010, 03:59 PM

Spousal liability in community property states
Let us tackle the difficult states first -- the community property states. The community property states are Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington or Wisconsin.