Is your partner on board? or are you driving him to tears like me

**momtoadiva** · 01-28-2008, 03:53 AM

I talk to DBF tonight and something was brought up about our savings I told him yeah well I really want it to be so and so; it got really quiet and I ask him what was wrong? He mentioned that he had left his cc's on my nightstand the last time he was home and I didn't even say anything (Ummm I didn't know I was suppose to? he knows how much I depise credit cards what do you want a gold star? not that I said this but you know). Last week he needed me to put more $ into his acct and he wanted to know why, I looked at his acct online and told him well your spending $15-$25 a pop everytime your stopping at a truckstop and inquired why it had went up so much usually it' $8 or so to pay tolls. This phone call he says you know when I was stopping I was always picking up something for you or the kids and wasn't spending anything for me. Ummm ok but your missing the point, I don't need random stuff from a truckstop (I'm flattered you think of me but still). I futher proceeded to explain that I don't want him or myself to continue to work so hard until we are 6ft under; both our parents have to work hard just to make ends meets and I want better for us. I'm scared I'm pushing too hard; before we met he will tell you if he had it he would spend it. Now he see's what I want for us and brags to his mom the same but I seriously think he was crying about it tonight. What do you do with an ex-spend thrift ? Are ya'll still battling with your better half? how do you handle it? He's given 150.00 a week for spending on tolls, food or just whatever he wants...any other truck drivers wives out there? is this not enough $? TIA

**Jskell911** · 01-28-2008, 06:03 AM

Honestly, I do not have too much advice for you on this. I am the former spendthrift in our relationship, so I guess I can see it from his point of view. Except I got REAL frugal when we bought the house. But every now and then I do get the urge to spend! The difference id, I guess, that I made this decision, so I am totally on board here. And maybe, he's really trying, but it is such a lifestyle change. Give him encouragement and time is all I can suggest. Good luck!

**Heluvsme** · 01-28-2008, 07:42 AM

My husband and I are on the same page as far as our GOALS, but we differ in that I want to analyze it, talk about it, plan it, chew it up and regurgitate it. Basically, I want to go over it ad nauseum!! He on the other hand wants to know the plan of attack, and be done. Talking about it "does no good at this point, we just have to DO" he says to me!

I think you and your boyfriend are nice compliments to each other---he wants to get you and the kids stuff, yet he knows how you feel (i.e. leaving the cc's on the dresser) and tries to respect that. Maybe there's just a little more he needs to understand (you not wanting things every time he leaves) but that might be his only way of expressing to you how much he misses you. Show him you'd love a note from him, they're sweet, can be saved forever, and they're FREE!!!!!

~Dawn

**Momto2Boyz** · 01-28-2008, 08:05 AM

I have an ex-spend thrift too, and yes, he still has replapses and I imagine he always will! But at some point he realized that the money he wasn't spending was going into a savings account. And I think he realized that not spending money, wasn't a punishment...but was something that would give him more rewards in the long run. Does that make any sense??? It's one of those things, that makes perfect sense in my head...but I can't get out in words!

My husband drove OTR almost 9 years ago. We didn't really watch our money well then, so I don't really know how much he was spending when he was on the road...but I know it was ALOT! I'm sure it was more than $150/week. He drives locally now, and he gets $50/week, but that doesn't have to include meals now, since he is able to take his lunch and eat the rest at home!

If he is on board (which if he is bragging to his mom, it sounds like he wants to be on board, maybe just having a hard time), maybe see if he will keep a journal of all that he is spending. DH was out of control in Dec/Jan with his debit card, so I started keeping a list of everything that he spent, so I could show him what was unecessary and how much could have gone into savings if he had kept his debit card in his pocket, so to speak. He was astounded when he saw the numbers and so far hasn't used his debit card since!

I hope things work out for you! Just remember it is hard to adjust to be frugal for some, he might just need some time for the adjustment!

**Persimmon Lace** · 01-28-2008, 08:41 AM

Actually, yes you should have given him some praise for leaving the cc on the night stand. When someone is obviously making changes in the right direction you need to be more forthcoming with a thank you.

**Darlene** · 01-28-2008, 08:53 AM

Originally Posted by Persimmon Lace

Actually, yes you should have given him some praise for leaving the cc on the night stand. When someone is obviously making changes in the right direction you need to be more forthcoming with a thank you.

Keep praising him too & you will have a happy guy & be saving all at the same time. Win-win

**cab54** · 01-28-2008, 10:33 AM

Mine is not either. I just do the best I can on my part.

**kittykatstrong** · 01-28-2008, 11:12 AM

I agree with the PP. Reward the good ignore the bad.

Is he buying cards or flowers or just food that he knows you would like. Give him some examples of times when he did frugal things for you.

Slide up behind him and put your arms around him.

In your sexiest voice tell him about the time he washed your car, or wrote you that note, or called just because. Next time he does something frugal "reward"

him.

I don't know if it will help you, but it sure helped me.

**geckoace** · 01-28-2008, 11:25 AM

i agree praise him at this point. its hard to make these changes and im sure he feels like he is stretching himself to the limit, as he settles in to the frugal lifestyle you will notice him getting comfortable with more frugal things. it has taken me years but my hubby has really changed his ways.
i have also learned that if i give a little here and there on little things like occasionally being able to go out ot lunch with his coworkers when he wants; it is much easier to get him on board with the big money savers.

**FrugalMomof3** · 01-28-2008, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by Persimmon Lace

Actually, yes you should have given him some praise for leaving the cc on the night stand. When someone is obviously making changes in the right direction you need to be more forthcoming with a thank you.

I agree, this is actually a step in the right direction, let him know how proud you are of him

**peanut** · 01-28-2008, 01:24 PM

I think this is a conflict between different love languages. Some people view acts of service as a sign you love them. Others view gift giving as a sign you love them. I suspect you and your BF have differing love languages. You just need to be aware of what his and yours are and find frugal ways to meet them. The book by Gary Chapman "The Five Love Languages" covers this topic well.

As a former spendthrift I agree that you need to encourage and praise him...with hugs, kisses, whatever his love language is. I know my very tight DH had to be taught to give me what I needed to feel loved.

And he also had to give me hope that I could actually be frugal. If someone is constantly criticizing you or ignoring you, it is hard to have hope, and therefore hard to motivate yourself to even try. What worked for me in the end was to make it a game. I wanted things and I couldn't have them because of my spendthrift ways. I had to set priorities and determine needs vs. wants. Then the game kicked in and I was off and running. The envelope system really helped me. I am a very tactile/kinesthetic learner.

Be patient. Be loving. Your BF will come round.

{{Hugs}}
Jean

**StaceyS** · 01-28-2008, 02:09 PM

I have to remind myself that I came to frugality a few years ago, and he's just starting. My DBF is growing a lot, but I have to be patient with him because he's not used to living with a budget and paying your bills on time, etc. Some days it can get really frustrating! That's why I love this site so much - it gives me the encouragement I need.

**C@rol** · 01-28-2008, 02:33 PM

My husband and I are on the same page as far as our GOALS, but we differ in that I want to analyze it, talk about it, plan it, chew it up and regurgitate it. Basically, I want to go over it ad nauseum!! He on the other hand wants to know the plan of attack, and be done. Talking about it "does no good at this point, we just have to DO" he says to me!

This sounds exactly like me and my dh. I want to
make sure we are doing the right thing and going
in the right direction and like you, I have talk about it
, break it down, what if???, etc. Dh thinks about
says whether he agrees and says "Let's do it".

We are both on the same page as a matter of
fact he is more frugal than me. If he could
he wouldn't spend anything. He uses what
he has. I wish you luck with your DBF.

**frugalnana** · 01-28-2008, 04:00 PM

Once in awhile dh slides off the frugal pole. But I just nicely remind him and he hops back on. Sometimes myself I slide, but I know the world won't come to an end if I buy something not budgeted for.
Dh gets a set amount each week also and he does pretty good.

**FarmerSue** · 02-01-2008, 01:09 PM

Hmmmm, mine usually acts like he's been frugal his whole life, its me with the problems.....until I get the check book out to pay for farm repairs or custom work. YIKES! Can you up the allowance a little? If he comes in under it he'll be pretty proud of himself.
Prices on everything seem to be going up these days so it doesn't surprise me that a set amount doesn't seem to be enough.......my hubby and I have been hashing that out a lot lately.
Good Luck